South Park s17e01 Episode Script

I am so sick of that stupid bitch.
Blabbing, prissy little skank! Why do people talk on the phone like that? I can't even get a minute of peace before that bitch walks in holding the cell phone out like this and talking on speakerphone.
Nobody wants to hear your goddamn conversations you little bitch, you're not that important! Yeah, no dude, I'm telling you it was the worst pain in my entire life.
How many hours were you guys playing? Like six hours dude.
And my friends were all like 'dude Cartman we need you to keep playing defense.
' urhggh! You were playing football? Yeah but I was like, 'I can't you guys, I twisted my ankle'.
In the end though they really needed me to play so I played through the pain.
Know what I'm saying? That is not what happened you totally started crying and quit the game! Kyle, this is a private conversation! Then take that shit off speakerphone! Is that that same kid? Yeah it's that kid Kyle again.
He's a total boner.
Always listening in on my phone calls.
How do we have a choice? Stop listening to my conversation Kyle! What are you, the NSA? Lawrence, remember I was telling how the government listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails? Yeah, yeah you said that.
My dad said the government keeps a data base on everyone.
- Who is that? Is that Toby? - Yeah.
Dude, Toby are you over at Lawrence's? Yeah we're ditching school.
You're what? What'd you say? Me and Toby are ditching school.
I'm telling you guys the government thinks they can do whatever they want and we don't have any privacy anymore.
Just between you and me, I think everyone is too stupid to see what this is all leading to.
Did you guys read 1984? I don't think so.
Yeah, I didn't read either but I saw the puppet show version at Casa Bonita.
We have to do something about this.
We need to organize a rally.
That'd be cool.
That'd be what? It'd be cool.
I know right, a big rally to tell the government to stay out of our private lives! I'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog pages.
I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now.
I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long that's why this is so important, you know? Hang on I'm gonna make a video blog for my 'Stop Listening To Me' website.
Wassup everybody it's me again just kickin' it at my school.
There's gonna be a big rally to tell the government to stop gathering information on us.
Gonna tweet you all the details but keep it quiet cuz it's top secret.
You guys gonna update your blogs too? Dude I can't really hear you Lawrence are you outside or something? I said I got your tweet of the address.
Okay.
Well, put Toby back on the phone you gotta start googling everyone the directions to the rally site.
Toby you there, bro? Yeah, I'm here bro.
Bro you gotta, um, email Dex about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms.
Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else? Oh hell no you did not just invade my privacy again.
That is the last straw Kyle! Everybody! Everybody, hey! Just so you know we might have an NSA agent right here at our school.
What's the NSA? Just so you know.
The government is watching everything you do.
Always watching.
They say it's to keep us safe, but what price is safety, Kyle? The government watches everything we do? Hello? Hey government.
It's me.
Butters.
I just wanna say, wul, thanks for watchin' over me and doing everything you do.
And please watch over Mommy and Daddy.
And my friends Stan and Kyle, Craig and Token.
And even ol' Eric Cartman.
I know he can be a meany sometimes, but please watch over him too.
G'night government.
Oh yeah! And thank you President Obama for making me feel so safe and looked after.
And if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year.
Night, government! Dude they have gone too far this time! There is no doubt the government is tracking me.
We're gonna have to put off the rally.
They're spying on you? Yeah it's right here.
I went to Amazon to see if they had grand theft auto five and it says ' you might also be interested in the Blu-Ray for Star Trek.
' I'm totally interested in the Blu-Bay for Star Trek.
How did they know that unless the government is keeping tabs on me? This is war bro.
Forget the rally.
We have to go hardcore.
Like what? Alright.
Listen, I'm gonna get a job at the NSA and then I'm going to put all their secrets up on Twitter.
Nah don't do that.
No dude, I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee and I'm gonna hang hang on a second, Lawrence.
I think we have a nosey Nancy in the room.
Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised.
If I'm going to infiltrate the NSA and get all their secrets out to the public then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter.
You need that new thing where you don't need to type.
What they already something better than Twitter? You haven't you seen the Alec Baldwin commercial? No.
What Alec Baldwin commercial? Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin.
And I love social media.
But sometimes I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic.
I don't think that way, I just type that way.
That's when I realized, it wasn't me that was homophobic.
It was my thumbs, and they needed to be gotten rid of.
Dah! Dowwww! So then the problem was, I don't have thumbs, but I know that everyone in America still wants to hear everything I have to say.
Well, that's okay because now there's a device that can actually take the thoughts in your head, and send them directly to the Internet.
It's called Shitter.
Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull and any thought you have is uploaded to the Internet and on to all your Shitter followers.
I'm at a Yankees game right now.
God I love baseball.
People who take their cats on planes should be shot.
I'm at a really great musical right now.
In 1992, I had sex with the Queen of Monaco.
I had my entire fist up her ass.
Don't let your social media slow down your need to communicate with the world.
Go direct from thought to Internet with Shitter.
Just finished my Shitter commercial.
Time to do find a pussy sandwich.
Alright.
Wassup everybody wassup.
I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover and see if I can expose some of their secrets.
You can follow me on my Shitter account at hashtag keepthegovernmentoutofmybusiness.
com.
Wait! Shh.
I gotta be careful.
Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's trying to listen in.
What the hell are you doing? Kyle, if you wouldn't mind, this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only.
What's Shitter? Don't know if you've heard, but the government is actually able to monitor all our emails and Twitter accounts.
With Shitter, I don't even need a cel phone, my thoughts are sent directly to the Internet, and then to everyone else on Shitter.
Wow! Yes.
Now as I infiltrate the NSA I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers.
You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet.
Yeah because the government won't respect my privacy! How many people are on Shitter? Just two so far.
Me and Alec Baldwin.
I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich at this amazing deli run by two faggots in Chelsea.
Oh kewl.
I'll have to try it out sometime.
Lol.
In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas'house and I Kim Basinger.
Wow, that's cool.
She's cute, wink emoji.
Oh my God.
Oh God they saw me.
They saw me and they're gonna be so angry.
Maybe they didn't see me! No, no they saw me, they see everything.
I did something really bad.
Really, really bad.
Next! Oh God! But my parents always told me, "if you do something horrible then you have to admit it to your protector so that you can have forgiveness.
" Are these people nice? DMV people? There the meanest people on planet earth.
Oh geez.
Oh God! Here we go.
I yelled at a midget.
I was watching MTV, and this little person was singing a song, I think her name was pink and I didn't like the song and so I yelled 'hey get off TV you midget!' and I, uh, I was at Barnes and nobles with my mom.
And while she was looking for a book, I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine.
Um, and I wul, I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was looking.
There's more.
I took the picture home with me.
And I I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors.
And then I I put my wiener through the hole.
I have no idea why! How can I atone for it? I already said the pledge of allegiance 50 times! And I sang 'my country tis of thee' a hundred times, and I watched 'America's Got Talent' twice! What else can I do? Why not a thousand 'Living In Americas'.
Yes! Yes I will! Oh thank you! I will! Oh I feel so much better already! Livin' in America eye to eye hand to hand across the nation smoke track fat back! Many miles of railroad track! Say ow ow! Can I help you sir? Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job.
Alright.
And your name? Bill Clinton.
I don't see you on the list, Mr.
Clinton.
Oh.
Well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me.
If you're ever in Los Angeles be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt.
She can make a pussy sandwich that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money.
What have you got, Patricia? Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir.
I am extremely qualified sir and very eager to work.
I borrowed my brothers dick once to Daryl Hannah.
I, uh, was sure the appointment was today.
That's quite alright.
The NSA needs all the help it can get come on upstairs and I'll show you around see if you'll fit for the job.
Hello, sir.
My colleague and I are going sru the neighborhood and see if you like to know the truth.
Sure I love the truth! Okay.
We from the Jehovah's Witness we are kingdom hall of Jehovah's Witness and we believe, sir that maybe people the interpret the Bible wong.
What's a Jehovah's Witness? Yes sir, we believe the the truth.
I was once like you I not know what to believe but then I let my provider Jehovah into my heart.
Oh my goodness.
Your little cartoon has a girl on fire! Yes, because Jehovah will bring judgment and all will perish, like the little girl will burn in the fire.
Oh you shouldn't be handing out drawings like this, ma'am.
Don't you know that the government is watching you? The government watching me? Whazze? He said the government watching us.
Right now? How long they been watching us? Can I ask you something? When was the last time you went to your local DMV? I no go DMV.
I don't have car.
Oh you can walk there.
Trust me, you gotta go to the DMV, it's incredible.
See, I was like you once, afraid, unsure, doin' stuff I shouldn't do like showing people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire.
But you know what I've learned? That just going to the DMV and letting go of all my wrong doings filled me with a joy I had felt nowhere else.
Would you like to read some DMV literature? This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV.
But just go, everyone there is really nice.
Your government is watching you, and your government wants you to be happy.
Have a nice day! Right this way, bill.
Welcome to the NSA main office.
Ah yes.
So this is where the government checks up on its citizens.
There's a lot of people working here at the NSA.
Good people.
People who just want to keep America safe.
Only problem is checking all those emails, Twitter accounts and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower.
Hey Joe.
What'chyou got Miller? Got a 24-yearold male in Albuquerque.
He just emailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work.
Then he called a fitness center to set up a membership.
He liked the fitness center so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out.
Alright, keep an eye on him.
Let me know if anything changes.
Will do.
It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, and it seems there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone.
Sergeant! What have you got, Lawson? Got a 17-year-old female down in Jacksonville.
She called her friend and asked if she wanted to go see the Percy Jackson movie.
Then she emailed her mom at work at asked if it was okay.
The mom said yes, but called her husband first to make sure there weren't already dinner plans.
Alright, keep an eye on all three of 'em.
Will do.
If you think you've got the stomach for it then we could definitely use your help, young man.
Sir, you might wanna go check this out.
What have you got? He just put on his Twitter account that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln memorial.
the chief asked me to join him as he went to question the possible suspect.
I agreed to go along.
Hopefully the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions.
Lol well, well the NSA.
I should have known.
We want to talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting.
Hey man I was just blowing smoke.
Say what right does the government have reading my private emails anyway? Haven't you squares ever heard of the constitution? Yeah we've heard of that.
We've also heard of the declaration of independence.
See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you.
People who think their government doesn't have the right to go around poking their noses in the emails of its citizens that is until a plane flies into a couple towers and a little girl loses her life.
You wanna live in the land of the free and home of the brave, but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home and that land won't be home so long as folks out there want to take that American flag and shove it so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes for a week and as your sittin' there on the toilet with the star spangled montezuma's revenge there's one thing I can yeah, what's that? You won't care who's checking your Twitter account then.
I never thought of it that way.
I fucked Jack lemmon's makeup girl in a porta potty.
Hello, Craig! How would you like to know the truth? The truth about what? We're just goin' through the neighborhood and seeing if you've accepted the government into your heart.
Uh no, I don't think so.
Yes sir my colleague and I we want to share our experience at DMV.
We went to DMV and we admit to all our shortcoming and sins and a big tidal wave of a peace and sherinity went over our soul and touch our heart.
Okay.
You see Craig, once I came clean with the government, I no longer had anything to hide.
Then I found peace.
Have you read any DMV uhhh no.
Wul there's a lot of interesting stuff in here Craig, there's even some quotes from President Obama.
Could you read this part out loud? "Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and ****.
Yeah.
What do you think President Obama means when he says that? I have no idea.
Well, we believe that he means the government loves you.
And it wants to forgive you if you just let the government into your heart.
Yes sir, see I use to be like you I go around sending the nasty email send the nasty text put up the nasty pictures on my nassy Facebook.
But then I realize all of these they live forever because government keep a file on us.
So all that live forever up in what they call the cloud.
If the government, sir, if they gonna put that file in the cloud then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones maybe get those things off my record off the cloud.
Because we live forever, in the cloud.
Uh huh.
Did you follow all that Craig? I don't really think I followed all that.
I've done it.
I've infiltrated the NSA and gained their trust.
So far I have not ascertained how they are able to keep track of everyone in the country.
But I'm close, very close.
I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistle blower before I'm able to expose their entire operation.
what is that voice? Some little faggot in my head.
Hey so um, as I'm going through people's emails and phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with? Pretty simple.
Everyone has a file.
People who have a status of threat, possible threat or person of interest are the ones we really want to look at.
The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes.
Really? How big is my file? Uh, that is-uh, you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman.
All his blogs and emails have been watched for quite some time.
Jarvis, what have we got on an Eric Cartman.
Any files on Eric Cartman? Oh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit but central computer designated his status as fat and unimportant.
uh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant.
I think we need to change his status to ripped and sweet.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, there is a very important threat to national security.
We need to change Eric Cartman's status and that's when I masturbated to game of thrones.
I know it was wrong to masturbate and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty what the why do these people keep coming here? But I am done forever with game of thrones.
Next please! Thank you! Yay!!!! Congratulations, brother! How do you feel? I feel really good.
Wow! Those people over there seem like they're having fun.
I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, then at the DMV with all you wonderful people! Now let's all pledge allegiance! I pledge allegiance to the flag! Of the united what the hell is going on here? This is the DMV! There'll be no joy here! uh, people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong.
Hey I'm just trying to renew my license.
How much longer I gotta wait? Shut up! Sit there and wait and no cel phones or other things that pass time joyously! I'm gonna put a stop to this.
Look, I am telling you that you are making a huge mistake.
Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare.
Not according to the central computer.
The central computer is wrong.
You need to change his status.
Sorry, but if central computer says he's not a threat then we can't do anything.
Can't do anything? You're the NSA.
There's 300 million people out there.
How do you think we're able to keep track of every single person in this country? How do you think we're able to really know who is doing what? I don't know.
Alright, I'll show you.
But this is very top security stuff.
Because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it.
Then our enemies would do it.
We can't let our enemies get their hands on this.
Get their hands on what? This is how we know who's a threat and who's not.
How we know who is sleeping, and who's awake.
How we know you think I'm fat and unimportant now? I am Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you.
This is all being broadcast live on my Twitter zeppelin and on Alec Baldwin's new television show via Shitter! Hi everybody and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, "Free Pass With Alec Baldwin" your secret is out NSA! And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can you can kiss your problem goodbye.
You should have taken me down when you had the chance.
Now everyone knows the truth.
And everyone's gonna think I'm super cool.
Eric, honey, what's the matter? It didn't work, mom.
I infiltrated the NSA and I was a whistleblower and I thought everyone would be super pissed off at what I exposed about the government, but nobody cares! Nobody cares that the government is listening in on everything.
Nobody cares that Santa Claus hooked up to a big horrible machine! I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie, but they're keeping us safe.
No, now you just sound like everybody else! Honey, it's okay.
It's not going to be okay because now I'm a whistleblower against my country and I'm gonna have to hide out in Russsiaaaaaa.
No, you don't have to fly to Russia hon.
No, it'll be fine.
How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine? Okay.
I just want hot tea and codeine, mom.
Okay hon! Hello.
How would you like to know the truth? The fuck are you talking about Butters? It's time to let go, Eric.
Don't you see there's no other way? Just let the government into your heart.
It's too late for me, Butters.
I have to go to Russia and live with the commie dwarves.
It's never too late.
There's a place where you can start over.
what's this? Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you.
Your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes.
I can be forgiven? For everything bad I've ever done.
yes.
And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again? That's right.
That's pretty cool.
We've got a new member today! Eric Cartman, do you love your country? I do! I love my country! Do you pledge allegiance to the fly? I pledge it! I fucking pledge that allegiance! Hallelujah! You want us to kick them out of here? No.
No leave them alone.
It's a nice change to see people happy to be at the DMV.
Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well.
Perhaps instead of treating people badly, we can offer them comfort and hope.
Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things off their chest, confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world.
And then DMV's everywhere can become a place where people feel safe.
And when they do something wrong, we can offer forgiveness.
Don't you see what this could lead to? Don't you see what we could become? The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys.
The heads of the DMV were arrested and the director said : "Hey, it came with the territory.
" With the dvm shut down, Americans are being asked to confess wrong doings at their nearest post office.
We've just received word that the U.
S.
postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys.
It now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station.
WMZ News will be back in a young boy.