Family Guy s17e02 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: Previously, on Family Guy Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? - Right here.
- Heh.
You win! - All right! What do I win? - Another beer! More recently, and better, on Family Guy PETER: All right, you ready? All right, one, two, three.
- (GRUNTING) - Okay, all right.
- Uh, okay.
All right.
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, stop, stop, stop, - stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- What? What? What? - No, no, no, no.
Twist it.
- What? I am.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
- I I Other way, other way, you're twisting it the wrong way.
Even more recently, and not quite as good, on Family Guy Jess is going to live! (FARTING) Brian, did you hear that? Mm-hmm.
Stewie, I've got to get out of this.
And now, the current, better-than-the-pilot- but-not-as-good- as-Star-Wars-episode of Family Guy.
Sorry it took us so long to have dinner together.
Oh, that's okay.
You were busy being dead.
- (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) - (BRIAN FAKE-LAUGHING) Did you warn this guy when he married you he also married your friends? - (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) - (BRIAN FAKE-LAUGHING) I love his laugh! - (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) - Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Oh, Meg, you have to babysit for Stewie Saturday.
- Nope.
- Okay.
Chris, you have to do it.
What? That's not fair.
- I have a party to go to.
- Sorry, Meg found pictures on your father's computer, and she's blackmailing us.
She can do what she wants till we get some dirt on her.
I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.
(WHISTLING A TUNE) Oh, hey, Peter.
Be with you in a sec.
- I'm burning the place down.
- You got the bedbugs? That don't make sense.
This isn't the Red Rock Motor Lodge in Montgomery, Alabama.
Please send the lawsuit to our lawyer, whose address is below.
That's right, she's also a lawyer.
The mystery deepens.
I don't have bedbugs.
I'm burning it down so I can fake my own death.
Can you throw me that white fur coat - filled with HoneyBaked hams? - What? (SOBBING): I just I can't take it, Peter.
I thought I could marry Jess, but it's awful! I can't live this way! Hey, relax.
You're married now.
You don't have to worry about nothin'.
Everything's done for you.
I mean, I literally don't know where socks come from.
No idea.
Do they come from trees? From bushes? I don't know.
Get a hole in one, new pair shows up in my drawer, just like that.
Food, too.
I chucked the mustard onto the front lawn last week.
That night, back in the fridge.
That would be kind of nice.
Listen, stick with me.
We're gonna have a great adventure, like the astronaut who thinks the lowest number is three.
MAN (OVER SPEAKERS): And liftoff in five, four, - three - ASTRONAUT: Whoa! - two, one - Oh.
- liftoff.
- Whoa! This is our spot, Brian.
A place just for married guys like you and me.
Husbands Restaurant? I've never seen this place before.
- Is it new? - Nope.
Been here for 30 years.
You just can't see it until you get married.
Watch.
Take your ring off.
- Wow! - Wearing the ring also makes you wear giant khaki shorts with a belt and a lot of keys rattling around in the pockets.
- (KEYS JANGLE) - You're right! What are all these keys for? A series of sheds.
I got a lot of sheds back home.
Oh.
You have more than one shed? 'Course.
You always need an extra shed.
I even got one shed that just has an extra shed in it.
- You guys talking about sheds? - Hell yes.
I love my sheds.
- Me, too.
- High five on sheds.
Sheds! (BLEATING LIKE SHEEP): Sheds sheds sheds sheds Are those really Tom Arnold's sweatpants in that frame? Yep.
That's the Husbands wall of heroes.
There are a lot of fat guys here.
Well, yeah, Brian.
Every man's true weight is at least 20 pounds heavier than how they look.
You know how much energy it takes to hold all that in? You can finally let go.
Just relax.
Exhale for once.
Exhale like you never have to attract a pretty woman ever again.
(INHALES) (EXHALES) Wow, that feels amazing.
Now, let's order some food.
I'm starving.
Nice to meet you, Starving.
I'm Brian.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING) (PAGER VIBRATES) Oh, looks like they really want me to come to that party.
- We're gonna have to go.
- You you have a pager? - Yeah.
- You get paged? Yeah, that's how a pager works.
Why don't you just get a phone? Um, you mean one of your government tracking devices? No, thanks.
I'm using a pager.
"Oh, you're looking at your steps?" No, the government's watching where you're going.
It's not nap time, Stewie.
Wake up.
All right, we're out of here.
Okay, Stewie's going to the party.
- Yeah, but where's Chris going? - I have no idea! He's completely off the grid! Damn it! He can't hide forever.
(BEEPING) Where are you? Boy, this really is a high school party.
Complete with the popular kid who's clearly going to die in a car accident tonight.
Hey, Jagger, can you help out at the soup kitchen - tomorrow at noon? - Sure.
I should be alive then.
Yeah, he gone.
I see we're smoking.
We're not smoking.
We're vaping.
- What's the difference? - Smoking is for losers.
Vaping is for douchebags.
Aw.
I want to be a douchebag.
Do you own 19 hats? I only have one, but it's a Stussy hat with a flat brim.
Have a seat.
(INHALES) Whoo-hoo, it's delightful! Chris! Chris, isn't this cool? Stewie, don't say my name! There's an Alexa in here! Sir, we have eyes on Chris.
He's at a douchebag vaping party.
Sooner or later, they all get sloppy.
(CRUNCHING) I got to say, Bri, the guys at Husbands are a little worried about you.
They said you had four Scott Peterson fish sandwiches yesterday.
Fireball? No, because I'm not a Skidmore freshman at a Lake George share-house.
Or am I? Man, Skidmore's the best! You said it, Pete.
Race you to the raft? - (LAUGHS) - You're on! Yeah, let's go! PETER: But the water was too shallow.
Bryce broke his neck and never walked again.
This put an end to off-campus drinking and lake house rentals.
I was just fine.
I landed on Bryce.
JESS'S MOM: He's starting to smell.
He needs a bath.
JESS: He doesn't like baths.
JESS'S MOM: And I see you lost the alcohol argument.
Can't you hear them talking about you? Yeah.
I'm a dog, I can hear everything.
By the way, the Stranger Things monster just farted.
Whew! Must have been that fat chick I ate.
- Time for dinner, guys.
- Awesome.
I'm starving.
- (LOUD CRACK) - Oh! Oh Holy crap! Brian, you okay? (GRUNTING LOUDLY) Keep it down up there! (GRUNTING STOPS) Holy crap, Hal, what's wrong with you? (CHUCKLES) You love it.
How does it look, Doc? I'm sorry to say you have hip dysplasia.
What's that? I'm not re what dysplasia is, but I do know you don't often see a "Y" that far up in a word.
I took the liberty of X-raying my own hip to show you what a normal one looks like.
Why does it look like there's a Batmobile in your colon? Just keep your eyes on the hips.
So, what's the next step? I was hoping, whenever the Bat-Signal goes up in the sky, - this thing will just drive out.
- Uh, no.
For Brian.
Ah.
Well, wouldn't hurt to lose some weight.
And he won't be able to walk until his hip heals.
He'll need someone to take care of him.
I'll take care of him.
Like you took care of me when I was sick.
Come back in a week, we can check your pfft-pfft.
What is that? That's the sound a blood pressure machine makes.
I do impressions for the doctor talent show.
Do you know what this is? Braaap! Braaap! An MRI? Yes! Adding that to my set.
(TOILET FLUSHING) Oh, my God.
- Where there's smoke, there's - Just me vaping.
Stewie, if Mom and Dad see you with that thing, they'll kill me.
Get rid of it! No way.
It's awesome.
Watch this.
(INHALES) I'm not good at the football part.
(SNIFFS) It smells like raspberry.
Yeah.
It's basically the same as eating fruit.
- Vaping isn't bad for you? - It can't be bad for you if Stephen Dorff gave up acting for it.
It does seem like they're making it for kids.
This flavor is "baby formula.
" Let me try.
(INHALES) Yummy.
Watch this.
(INHALES) (LAUGHS) Like the movie The Ring.
Awesome! (BOTH SCREAM) Come back here, you.
(SCREAMS) Giggity, giggity, crabbity, giggity.
("STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU" BY STEALERS WHEEL PLAYING) Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you And I'm wondering what it is I should do It's so hard to keep this smile from my face Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Well, you started out with nothing And you're proud that you're a self-made man And your friends, they all come crawling Slap you on the back and say Ple-e-e-e-e-ease Ple-e-e-e-e-ease Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you And I'm wondering what it is I should do It's so hard to keep this smile from my face Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place.
E-liquid, please.
Anything that tastes like a Fruit Roll-Up.
Good, all good.
- Good.
- All good.
No worries, all good? - We're good.
- Good, all good.
Here you go.
You good? You all good? - All good here.
- Yep, we're good.
Good, all good.
This whole vaping thing was a very smart move.
It tastes great and I don't feel violently ill as long as some of this vapor is in my lungs.
Plus, when you wake at night shaking because you haven't had any in three hours, it's so easy to vape more.
Let's face it, this is the most fun we've had since Mom got hooked on coffee and bought that Alpuccino maker.
(COFFEE MACHINE, AS AL PACINO): Hoo-ah! Thank you for having us over for dinner.
Sometimes it's been difficult to cook with all the other things I have to do for Brian.
Oh, don't listen to her, I'm so easy.
I do have to go to the bathroom, though.
Jess really has been amazing.
(URINATING) She even set up surgery for me to have my hip fixed.
(URINATING CONTINUES, STOPS) Uhp, don't get fooled.
(URINATING RESUMES) I don't know what I'd do without her.
I think I've really found true love.
- (URINATING CONTINUES) - Well, that's lovely.
You know, I don't think we've said grace yet.
- BRIAN: Oh, yeah.
- Bless us, oh Lord, for these thy gifts, which we are about to receive.
BRIAN: Get out of there, Mountain Dew.
I'm here for Brian Griffin.
Well, this is it, Jess.
See you after my hip surgery.
He won't be needing this anymore.
Thanks.
Good-bye, Brian.
You mean "see you soon," right? Wait, why won't I need my collar? (DOGS WHINING) So, what's this? Kind of like a pre-op? Are all these dogs having hip surgery? Where do you think you are? This isn't a doctor's office, this is the pound.
You're being euthanized.
What? Jess is having me put down? Oh, my God, this can't be happening! Did you also eat a kid? Look, there's been a horrible mistake.
You've got the wrong dog.
Says right here I got to euthanize Brian Griffin, and you're him.
You wouldn't kill a singing dog, would you? Hello, my baby, hello, my honey Hello, my ragtime gal.
- - (CASH REGISTER RINGS) (CROAKS LIKE MICHIGAN J.
FROG) WORKER: Oh, now you're getting euthanized for sure.
(INHALES) (EXHALES) Hi, honey.
Mommy needs money for scratchers.
What the what kind of brazen thievery is this? Where'd you get this? Chris Griffin! You get in here! What is this? Um robot penis? Seriously, I'm absolutely jonesing right now, so give it back.
I know what this is.
I watch Bravo.
- I'm not doing it.
- You are too young - to be doing this.
- Maybe it's his and he's just - too dumb to hide it.
- And if that's not bad enough, you leave it out for Stewie to get his hands on it? I don't know, Mom, I'm not my brother's keeper.
- He's just a baby.
- Babies are stupid like that! - I'm taking it - (GRUNTS) and you are grounded, mister.
Now look what you did, you little son of a bitch.
She has my vaporizer.
You have to get it back.
That's your problem.
You lost your vape pen, I didn't lose mine.
Well, I guess you win.
- (GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS, CRIES) - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) (GRUNTS) Hey.
(GRUNTS) (BOTH GRUNTING) (BOTH SUCKING) Oh, tastes so good, like skin berries.
I'm alive with pleasure.
(BOTH SUCKING) It's possible we've taken this too far.
I'll just go down and get yours back.
I will never forget this day.
Mom, I need to talk to you.
Technically, that was not my vape pen, but I do need it back because it belongs to a friend of mine.
We accidentally switched jackets, not unlike that episode of The Brady Bunch when Greg (COUGHS) Oh, damn it, Chris, why do your lies have to take so damn long? You're smoking the vape pen? No, I'm sneaking a real cigarette like frustrated mothers are supposed to do.
You're such a hypocrite! At least vaping is healthy.
Oh, don't be an idiot.
Vaping is just as bad, and you look like a douchebag.
No, I don't.
I look cool.
Go ahead.
Hold it to your mouth.
Oh, my God, I'm a douchebag.
(INHALES SHARPLY, CRIES) It's okay, Chris.
Your secret's safe with me.
(PHONE CHIMES) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, what's up, Jess? I came to see how Brian's ALPUCCINO MAKER: Hoo-ah! Sorry, I'm just making an Alpuccino.
Oh.
Well, anyway, I was just wondering ALPUCCINO MAKER: Hoo-ah! Sorry, my mom wanted one, too.
Oh, that's-that's fine.
- So is Brian - Can I get you one? Uh, sure.
Is Brian going to, uh ALPUCCINO MAKER: Hoo-ah! When is Brian coming back? Oh, never.
I'm having him euthanized.
Euthanized? Oh, my God! (TIRES SQUEALING) Come on, come on.
(TIRES SQUEALING) Euthanize, euthanize, euthanize Oh, my God! I got to do something! Damn it.
Now I have to do that with every dictionary here.
Hold on, Brian, hold on.
(DOGS WHINING) (CAR HORN HONKING) Don't worry, buddy.
I'm on my way.
(DOGS BARKING) I'm warning you, if you kill me, the Internet's gonna freak out.
(TIRES SQUEAL) Please, it can't end like this.
There has to be something I can do.
Well, for 200 bucks, I'll strangle you with my bare hands and stare into your eyes as you die.
What? I'm not paying for that.
I meant I'll pay you.
Stop! That's my dog! Oh, Peter, thank God.
You got here just in time.
You want to make $200? I do.
(CHOKING): It's beautiful.
What the hell are you doing here? Brian, I can explain.
Explain what? How you brought me here to have me killed? Well, you're no better.
You could have saved my life in the restaurant, but you let me choke to death.
Okay, fine.
I probably could have done more to save your life.
I was just so unhappy being married, I I guess I felt letting you Che was my only way out.
God, that sounds awful.
Maybe I did deserve to die.
W-Well, and I should've kept taking care of you, instead of bringing you here to have you killed.
Maybe I deserve to be with someone who let me die.
Maybe we deserve each other.
It does seem like we're meant for each other.
I mean, gosh, maybe that's what true marriage is two people who want each other to die.
PETER (CHOKING): Now you're getting it.
So much beauty.
Oh, Brian, I'm sorry that Jess died during the commercial break, but it was a very nice funeral service.
Yeah, it's sad.
She was the love of my life, my heart, my ALPUCCINO MAKER: Hoo-ah! I took that from her apartment.
So, Chris, I hear you been doing some vaping.
So douchey.
Mom, you told him? - We had a deal.
- Thanks a lot, Peter.
You promised you wouldn't say anything.
Oh, I'm supposed to keep your secret after you lied to me about sneaking cigarettes? What the hell, Chris? You told him, too? - No, I didn't.
- Brian told me.
Are you serious, Peter? You said you wouldn't say anything.
I promised Meg I wouldn't tell anyone.
Oh, good job with that, dick.
Chris, the only reason I told him was he promised he'd keep his mouth shut.
Oh, nice job, Chris.
I should've known not to trust someone who kisses his own brother.
What? Wh-Who told you that? - Don't look at me.
- Meg told me.
How does it feel, Meg, you frigging town crier? - MEG: You're such a bitch.
- PETER: She's a bitch? Meg, you said you wouldn't tell Stewie's secret.
CHRIS: Stewie, you told Dad? STEWIE: I had to get it off my chest.
I didn't think he'd understand me.
PETER: I understand pieces now and then.