Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s17e02 Episode Script
Bicycle Bonanza
I used to think God invented beetles, but then Wesley Pegden said it was Hitler.
Hitler invented beetles? That was the Volkswagen Beetle.
He didn't invent creepy-crawly beetles! I'm glad about that.
That means I can go back to liking beetles.
What's to like about beetles? I think they're wonderful! They look like tortoises, some of 'em, and yet they can fly! Me Auntie Meg had a tortoise.
She had something slow and idle, but that was her husband.
Wasn't it your Auntie Meg who bit that rent man? Probably.
Was any of your family civilised? Nah - they couldn't afford it! Hello! Hello! Not you! It was an expression of surprise, not a greeting! Tha weren't talking to me? No, I wasn't talking to you.
I was referring to yonder vehicle.
He's gone, Norman! He's started saying hello to strange vehicles! He's probably lonely.
Tall people tend to be lonely.
First I've heard of it! Where's your evidence for that? It's the distance between the head and the feet.
It gives rise to this cosmic sense of alienation.
Ye gods! How did we get into this? All I meant was: "Hello! What's an off-road vehicle doing here, apparently abandoned?" Maybe it's broken down.
It doesn't look it.
YOU'RE the one that looks broken down! Do I look broken down, Norman? Wellthis side's not bad.
It's my best side.
Why are you walking this woman when you could buy her a bicycle? She's got one! And he makes you walk? That's perverse.
Bring him in and make him buy you something before you forgive him.
Come on! Ooh! Come out.
How does it look? Wonderful(!) Well, off you go and spread the word about it! How do I do that? Target the cycling community! How do I recognise the cycling community? They'll be on a bicycle, you muffin! Now You stop every passing cyclist and tell them about my bonanza bicycle sale.
There could be a little something in it for you.
Oh, listen at me! I must stop throwing money around! Go on! They weren't very friendly! If you found someone dressed like you peering in your car, would you be friendly? YOU started peering in! Only to see if I could help! She looked really miserable! You can understand him buying an off-road vehicle, but you can't understand why he's taking her with him! Maybe she were good over the rough spots.
Fair enough if she was good over the rough spots.
I wouldn't mind something to transport us to wilder, more untamed places.
Ooh! I bet she could do that, all right! I meant the vehicle.
Oh, the VEHICLE! We ought to get off-road more.
Forget it! I've got strictly two-wheel drive knees! I'm with him! Where's your sense of adventure? I left it at Nora Batty's! Mine got lost somewhere.
I remember taking it on honeymoon but coming back without it.
I was tempted to wave and drive past.
But you'd tell everybody Wesley's too mean to give lifts.
I have already! He did.
We just said you were eccentric.
Why would you think I was eccentric? You're in love with your Landrover, aren't you? I don't see what's eccentric about that! She's a great little beast, is this! She's all battered and tatty! Look who's talking! Ah - but he does more to the gallon! He'd be in trouble if he had to take his MOT! I suppose you want a lift? Yeah.
Off-road.
Why off-road? That's a good question! I was just going to ask that! Because off the road is where the freedom is! Wilderness! Adventure! And guess who will be freezing in the back? There isn't room in the front for all of us! Bicycle bonanza! "Catch every cyclist!" she said.
Come on How am I supposed to catch every cyclist? This way to the cycle b Oh, no! Oh COMPO AND CLEGG LAUGH I always thought she was unreliable.
You can tell by the 'ats.
You're right! You can tell a lot from people's hats! She always chooses something flimsy and flash.
Well, they can't say that about yours! The kind of hat decent people would never wear.
Except for a wedding.
You've got to go a long way before you find somebody wearing a hat like yours! Let's go.
Hello! You're getting a better class of customer in here these days, I must say! Little petal Give us a kiss! Oh, get him off! Get him off! Sit down! Take the stress off your trousers! I don't know how you dare leap about in trousers like that! I'M leaping about? Wait till you see him! Oh Oh, God! It's a good job I'm physically fit.
You certainly look fit(!) Three teas and a breakfast, please.
One breakfast? I seem to have worked up an appetite.
I'm not sitting watching thee eat a breakfast.
All right.
Make it three breakfasts, please, Ivy.
Ye gods! With extra fried bread! You've never gone big on health foods, have you? No.
I'll wait till I get old.
He thinks yoghurt's a city in Eastern Europe! It is! Our Annie's kids went there on holiday! That'll be cash in advance.
'Ey up, Norm - he's got all stiff again! LOUD BURP Stop that! I enjoyed my breakfast! Put it in writing and stop that! Hmm.
Bicycle sale? Don't stand here.
It's like standing in front of a train! TRAIN WHISTLE I told you.
Stop moaning.
We haven't bought them - only rented them for the day.
Good money I could have spent on the gee-gees! Now, bring them back in the same condition or you lose your deposit! What deposit? Didn't we arrange it? Oh, dear.
I should have warned you about the deposit.
She's a tough nut, is that Auntie.
I wonder if she's ever been robbed? Last year.
She caught a thief on her premises.
What happened? She sold him a piano.
Well, theyseem quite good machines.
They're just what we want for off-the-road exploring.
I've picked you some good machines.
Take care.
One wrong move and you could lose your deposit.
That's life.
One wrong move, and whoopbang goes the deposit! I don't want to seem picky, but we've already got bicycles! All right, all right! We needed to find a source of bicycles for hire.
We've made an important contact for our future business! What business? Bicycle trekking! Off-road! Off the beaten track! Remote places! Wild scenery, the wind in your hair and none of the problems of a four-wheel drive vehicle! Come on, Clegg! We're in just the right area! Nature's given us some wonderful advantages! Nora Batty! I don't think he means that! He means the OTHER rugged, natural features.
The difficulty is deciding where to start amongst all the possible routes.
I'm trying to pick you a novice's, easy ride, which at the same time offers a variety of conditions and terrains.
Terrain? I'm not going if it's going to rain! Terrain, terrain! I'm talking scenery here! He went to school but he picked up very little except Shirley Steadman.
Ah, but I got top marks in her! Perhaps you'd better pack some sandwiches, Clegg.
Make sure the route goes past a pub.
I suppose that's a good idea.
Our clients are bound to want the odd refreshment stop.
THIS client will certainly want the odd refreshment stop! We all know about that.
Watch what you're doing.
One false move and you could lose your deposit! I hate making sandwiches.
The bits in the middle never keep still.
That's why we lost the Battle of Hastings.
The Normans had outside catering.
Our lot were all making sandwiches! That looks more interesting than shopping! Where are you off to? Bicycle trekking.
Off-road.
Wild scenery.
The wind in your hair! It is.
It's better than shopping.
I could get me bike! You'll stop where you are! Don't think you can go sneaking off! I'm watching you! Tha's got enough wind in thy hair.
Remember, Howard - one false move and you can lose your deposit! PANTING COMPO GRUNTS Tha calls this bike trekking? All we've done is wheel the perishing things! These are only provisional bicycles.
When we get going, we'll all have mountain bikes.
We'll ride up hills like that! Goody! That's something to look forward to - riding up hills like this(!) You'll thank me when you're glowing with fitness! Oh, stop exaggerating! Just look at that view! Look at those hills! I'm having a vision here! Me too! Spots before me eyes! Little red squiggles! I've got some green ones! I don't think I've got any green ones.
Have a look.
I can see these moors being explored everywhere by eager bicycle trekkers.
We may be in at the beginning of something big here! How can you stand that close to him? He's got little green squiggles! It serves him right for standing that close! Suppose there's no cure? Be brave.
Anyroad, we can ride down.
The road's quite level.
Road? The whole point of bicycle trekking is to get off the road! Which way are we going, then? That way! BOTH: That way? Across the fields? What's the point of bicycle trekking if you don't get off the roads?! Right.
Now, follow me.
Enjoy the view.
I've picked a route through some wonderful scenery.
Magnificent infantry country.
Right.
Let's see how Auntie Wainwright's bicycles perform.
Ah.
It's not good sandwich country.
What? It's the sort of route where all your middles drop out.
The thing to do is to relax.
Enjoy it.
Take our time.
Appreciate the wonders of nature.
Right.
Wellcarefully avoiding the cowpats - off we go! It's steeper than it looks! Like Nora! Don't worry about it.
Use your brakes to control your speed.
It's what they're for.
PING! PING! 'Ey up, Foggy! One false move and tha could lose thy deposit! Did you see that? Did you see that paratrooper's roll? My Barry's taken up body-building.
SPLUTTER Well, I hope it's his own! You can see the difference already! Drink your coffee! Oh, Mother! I just hope word doesn't get back to his building society.
Mother, all he's doing is developing a few muscles.
What does he want muscles for in a clerical position? There's no good comes of muscles.
It's not the muscles.
It's what they get up to once they've got them! I'll say this for Howard - he's never given me much trouble with muscles! Why has your Barry suddenly gone funny like this? He's a fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Well, he sounds foreign for a start! I hope your Barry's not developing foreign muscles! Foreigners seem to have some funny muscles.
I hope they're not compulsory when we get our single currency! I'm not having Brussels waving its muscles at me! Where does your Barry do this body-building? In the bedroom! SHE SUCKS HER TEETH You can put a stop to that for a start! To preserve your marriage, get them quickly accustomed to the idea that the bedroom is simply for sleeping in! Or wallpapering, sometimes! Yes - or wallpapering, sometimes.
Mine'd have to do body-building to be strong enough to do wallpapering! Yes.
It's best when they're at the peak of under-development.
It is.
I like Barry body-building.
He could do with a few muscles.
If he follows gentlemanly principles, there's no need for muscles! Oh! You see? With proper map reading, off-road can be a pleasure.
You didn't know that.
With proper map reading, off-road could be a pleasure.
I thought he were going to find us some good bits! This IS a good bit! Give me a map and I'll find us the good bits! Uh-huh.
Keep in formation! Take your positions from me.
Look - why don't we just walk out? I know it's going to be messy WALK out? I've seen these swamps before.
There could be bottomless places! One false squelch and you've gone! All right, clever clogs - what now? Don't interrupt - I'm working on it.
When he said off-road, he really meant off-road! Tha got us into this.
Tha can get us out.
I've told you.
I'm working on it! There's an idea forming! Tha hasn't got a clue! It's all flannel! I've told you there's an idea forming! Let's hear it, then! HELP! Is that his idea? Well, he's had worse! ALL: HELP! HELP! HELP! ECHOING: HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! Are we ready, then? Ready! I think so! I told you I could get us out.
Ready! Off you go! I don't want to hear about bicycles again.
I second that.
Don't look at me.
I'm not arguing.
As long as we're all agreed.
No more bikes! Never! I'm always ready to go along with the majority.
Have you heard about the bicycle bonanza?
Hitler invented beetles? That was the Volkswagen Beetle.
He didn't invent creepy-crawly beetles! I'm glad about that.
That means I can go back to liking beetles.
What's to like about beetles? I think they're wonderful! They look like tortoises, some of 'em, and yet they can fly! Me Auntie Meg had a tortoise.
She had something slow and idle, but that was her husband.
Wasn't it your Auntie Meg who bit that rent man? Probably.
Was any of your family civilised? Nah - they couldn't afford it! Hello! Hello! Not you! It was an expression of surprise, not a greeting! Tha weren't talking to me? No, I wasn't talking to you.
I was referring to yonder vehicle.
He's gone, Norman! He's started saying hello to strange vehicles! He's probably lonely.
Tall people tend to be lonely.
First I've heard of it! Where's your evidence for that? It's the distance between the head and the feet.
It gives rise to this cosmic sense of alienation.
Ye gods! How did we get into this? All I meant was: "Hello! What's an off-road vehicle doing here, apparently abandoned?" Maybe it's broken down.
It doesn't look it.
YOU'RE the one that looks broken down! Do I look broken down, Norman? Wellthis side's not bad.
It's my best side.
Why are you walking this woman when you could buy her a bicycle? She's got one! And he makes you walk? That's perverse.
Bring him in and make him buy you something before you forgive him.
Come on! Ooh! Come out.
How does it look? Wonderful(!) Well, off you go and spread the word about it! How do I do that? Target the cycling community! How do I recognise the cycling community? They'll be on a bicycle, you muffin! Now You stop every passing cyclist and tell them about my bonanza bicycle sale.
There could be a little something in it for you.
Oh, listen at me! I must stop throwing money around! Go on! They weren't very friendly! If you found someone dressed like you peering in your car, would you be friendly? YOU started peering in! Only to see if I could help! She looked really miserable! You can understand him buying an off-road vehicle, but you can't understand why he's taking her with him! Maybe she were good over the rough spots.
Fair enough if she was good over the rough spots.
I wouldn't mind something to transport us to wilder, more untamed places.
Ooh! I bet she could do that, all right! I meant the vehicle.
Oh, the VEHICLE! We ought to get off-road more.
Forget it! I've got strictly two-wheel drive knees! I'm with him! Where's your sense of adventure? I left it at Nora Batty's! Mine got lost somewhere.
I remember taking it on honeymoon but coming back without it.
I was tempted to wave and drive past.
But you'd tell everybody Wesley's too mean to give lifts.
I have already! He did.
We just said you were eccentric.
Why would you think I was eccentric? You're in love with your Landrover, aren't you? I don't see what's eccentric about that! She's a great little beast, is this! She's all battered and tatty! Look who's talking! Ah - but he does more to the gallon! He'd be in trouble if he had to take his MOT! I suppose you want a lift? Yeah.
Off-road.
Why off-road? That's a good question! I was just going to ask that! Because off the road is where the freedom is! Wilderness! Adventure! And guess who will be freezing in the back? There isn't room in the front for all of us! Bicycle bonanza! "Catch every cyclist!" she said.
Come on How am I supposed to catch every cyclist? This way to the cycle b Oh, no! Oh COMPO AND CLEGG LAUGH I always thought she was unreliable.
You can tell by the 'ats.
You're right! You can tell a lot from people's hats! She always chooses something flimsy and flash.
Well, they can't say that about yours! The kind of hat decent people would never wear.
Except for a wedding.
You've got to go a long way before you find somebody wearing a hat like yours! Let's go.
Hello! You're getting a better class of customer in here these days, I must say! Little petal Give us a kiss! Oh, get him off! Get him off! Sit down! Take the stress off your trousers! I don't know how you dare leap about in trousers like that! I'M leaping about? Wait till you see him! Oh Oh, God! It's a good job I'm physically fit.
You certainly look fit(!) Three teas and a breakfast, please.
One breakfast? I seem to have worked up an appetite.
I'm not sitting watching thee eat a breakfast.
All right.
Make it three breakfasts, please, Ivy.
Ye gods! With extra fried bread! You've never gone big on health foods, have you? No.
I'll wait till I get old.
He thinks yoghurt's a city in Eastern Europe! It is! Our Annie's kids went there on holiday! That'll be cash in advance.
'Ey up, Norm - he's got all stiff again! LOUD BURP Stop that! I enjoyed my breakfast! Put it in writing and stop that! Hmm.
Bicycle sale? Don't stand here.
It's like standing in front of a train! TRAIN WHISTLE I told you.
Stop moaning.
We haven't bought them - only rented them for the day.
Good money I could have spent on the gee-gees! Now, bring them back in the same condition or you lose your deposit! What deposit? Didn't we arrange it? Oh, dear.
I should have warned you about the deposit.
She's a tough nut, is that Auntie.
I wonder if she's ever been robbed? Last year.
She caught a thief on her premises.
What happened? She sold him a piano.
Well, theyseem quite good machines.
They're just what we want for off-the-road exploring.
I've picked you some good machines.
Take care.
One wrong move and you could lose your deposit.
That's life.
One wrong move, and whoopbang goes the deposit! I don't want to seem picky, but we've already got bicycles! All right, all right! We needed to find a source of bicycles for hire.
We've made an important contact for our future business! What business? Bicycle trekking! Off-road! Off the beaten track! Remote places! Wild scenery, the wind in your hair and none of the problems of a four-wheel drive vehicle! Come on, Clegg! We're in just the right area! Nature's given us some wonderful advantages! Nora Batty! I don't think he means that! He means the OTHER rugged, natural features.
The difficulty is deciding where to start amongst all the possible routes.
I'm trying to pick you a novice's, easy ride, which at the same time offers a variety of conditions and terrains.
Terrain? I'm not going if it's going to rain! Terrain, terrain! I'm talking scenery here! He went to school but he picked up very little except Shirley Steadman.
Ah, but I got top marks in her! Perhaps you'd better pack some sandwiches, Clegg.
Make sure the route goes past a pub.
I suppose that's a good idea.
Our clients are bound to want the odd refreshment stop.
THIS client will certainly want the odd refreshment stop! We all know about that.
Watch what you're doing.
One false move and you could lose your deposit! I hate making sandwiches.
The bits in the middle never keep still.
That's why we lost the Battle of Hastings.
The Normans had outside catering.
Our lot were all making sandwiches! That looks more interesting than shopping! Where are you off to? Bicycle trekking.
Off-road.
Wild scenery.
The wind in your hair! It is.
It's better than shopping.
I could get me bike! You'll stop where you are! Don't think you can go sneaking off! I'm watching you! Tha's got enough wind in thy hair.
Remember, Howard - one false move and you can lose your deposit! PANTING COMPO GRUNTS Tha calls this bike trekking? All we've done is wheel the perishing things! These are only provisional bicycles.
When we get going, we'll all have mountain bikes.
We'll ride up hills like that! Goody! That's something to look forward to - riding up hills like this(!) You'll thank me when you're glowing with fitness! Oh, stop exaggerating! Just look at that view! Look at those hills! I'm having a vision here! Me too! Spots before me eyes! Little red squiggles! I've got some green ones! I don't think I've got any green ones.
Have a look.
I can see these moors being explored everywhere by eager bicycle trekkers.
We may be in at the beginning of something big here! How can you stand that close to him? He's got little green squiggles! It serves him right for standing that close! Suppose there's no cure? Be brave.
Anyroad, we can ride down.
The road's quite level.
Road? The whole point of bicycle trekking is to get off the road! Which way are we going, then? That way! BOTH: That way? Across the fields? What's the point of bicycle trekking if you don't get off the roads?! Right.
Now, follow me.
Enjoy the view.
I've picked a route through some wonderful scenery.
Magnificent infantry country.
Right.
Let's see how Auntie Wainwright's bicycles perform.
Ah.
It's not good sandwich country.
What? It's the sort of route where all your middles drop out.
The thing to do is to relax.
Enjoy it.
Take our time.
Appreciate the wonders of nature.
Right.
Wellcarefully avoiding the cowpats - off we go! It's steeper than it looks! Like Nora! Don't worry about it.
Use your brakes to control your speed.
It's what they're for.
PING! PING! 'Ey up, Foggy! One false move and tha could lose thy deposit! Did you see that? Did you see that paratrooper's roll? My Barry's taken up body-building.
SPLUTTER Well, I hope it's his own! You can see the difference already! Drink your coffee! Oh, Mother! I just hope word doesn't get back to his building society.
Mother, all he's doing is developing a few muscles.
What does he want muscles for in a clerical position? There's no good comes of muscles.
It's not the muscles.
It's what they get up to once they've got them! I'll say this for Howard - he's never given me much trouble with muscles! Why has your Barry suddenly gone funny like this? He's a fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Well, he sounds foreign for a start! I hope your Barry's not developing foreign muscles! Foreigners seem to have some funny muscles.
I hope they're not compulsory when we get our single currency! I'm not having Brussels waving its muscles at me! Where does your Barry do this body-building? In the bedroom! SHE SUCKS HER TEETH You can put a stop to that for a start! To preserve your marriage, get them quickly accustomed to the idea that the bedroom is simply for sleeping in! Or wallpapering, sometimes! Yes - or wallpapering, sometimes.
Mine'd have to do body-building to be strong enough to do wallpapering! Yes.
It's best when they're at the peak of under-development.
It is.
I like Barry body-building.
He could do with a few muscles.
If he follows gentlemanly principles, there's no need for muscles! Oh! You see? With proper map reading, off-road can be a pleasure.
You didn't know that.
With proper map reading, off-road could be a pleasure.
I thought he were going to find us some good bits! This IS a good bit! Give me a map and I'll find us the good bits! Uh-huh.
Keep in formation! Take your positions from me.
Look - why don't we just walk out? I know it's going to be messy WALK out? I've seen these swamps before.
There could be bottomless places! One false squelch and you've gone! All right, clever clogs - what now? Don't interrupt - I'm working on it.
When he said off-road, he really meant off-road! Tha got us into this.
Tha can get us out.
I've told you.
I'm working on it! There's an idea forming! Tha hasn't got a clue! It's all flannel! I've told you there's an idea forming! Let's hear it, then! HELP! Is that his idea? Well, he's had worse! ALL: HELP! HELP! HELP! ECHOING: HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! Are we ready, then? Ready! I think so! I told you I could get us out.
Ready! Off you go! I don't want to hear about bicycles again.
I second that.
Don't look at me.
I'm not arguing.
As long as we're all agreed.
No more bikes! Never! I'm always ready to go along with the majority.
Have you heard about the bicycle bonanza?