South Park s17e02 Episode Script

Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria should be considered in Booo! Boo, Wendy.
Boo Wendy Testaburger, boo.
Refugees from Syria should be considered in need of international protection.
Booo, Wendy, boo.
Boo, Wendy.
The vast majority of refugees from Syria are likely to meet refugees boo Wendy Testaburger, boo.
Boo, Wendy.
Liar.
Instead of boooing my opinion why don't you make a constructive argument.
I'm not booing your opinion, I'm booing your report topic.
No one even knows what a refugee is.
Booo.
Booo.
Mr.
Garrison can you do something about this, please? Mr.
Garrison.
Sorry, Wendy.
Nicely done.
Thank you.
Next report let's have Peter Mullen.
Ugh, jesus.
My report is on the vial and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television.
Fellow students, there's a plague of smut on our cable boxes.
Shows that figure reenactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicide.
I'm talking of course about murder porn.
Murder porn? That's more like it.
According to the Neilson ratings viewership in shows like Cold Case Files, Date Line Murder and Deadly Affairs is sky rocketing among married couples.
The increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex and innuendo to make spousal murder more titillating shows like Southern Fried Homicide, Sinful Secret and On The Case With Paula Zahn and it's all smut and garbage and it's trash! Your parents are watching this stuff.
Go home and ask them.
And as we ask them we must ask ourselves if they're obsessed with this stuff then how long.
How long before one of our daddy's dressed up in lingerie and bashes mommy's head in with a brick? Oh, crap! Who could that be? It's probably fucking Stan.
Hang a second, bud.
Come on in.
Hey, Stan, what's up.
His wife is having sex with the neighbor and when her husband comes home he wants more than just a divorce.
You guys are watching murder porn? Murder porn? Stan, this is just an investigative crime show.
Adults like documentaries.
Yeah, Stan.
These are based on real things like news.
It's informative.
Parents like informative stuff.
Okay.
Oh, we missed the murder? Did he cut them up? What's up, dude? Dude, you know Aaron Hagan? Yeah, the first-grader? You should come down to his house.
His dad just killed his mom.
What? Hey, that kid should not be seeing this.
What happened? You're making a mistake.
Let me go.
It wasn't me I tell you.
A burglar broke in.
He was black.
He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face.
He was black! Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned but we have to work together.
How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air? The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagan's DVR.
What more prove do we need? I called them about the smut out there and they told me if I didn't want my parents watching then I should spend more time with them.
Like it's my fault.
It's the result of a broken society in which profit comes before morals.
Booo.
Booo, Wendy Testaburger, booo.
I know we feel our hands are tied but we can do something about this.
There's an app to allow kids to block things their parents watch on television and it's password protect will with a security code that only a child would know.
Tonight at 10:00 it's the tale of love and seduction and murder on sexy betrayals.
Then at 7, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits on Southern Fried Homicide.
But now get ready for lust, betrayal and murder on Hot Load Case Files.
Oh, yeah, three of the best shows in a row.
Is the lube over there? It's over here.
Get over here, big guy.
Yeah.
What the what the hell? Yeah, hi.
We aren't getting our informative murder porn.
No, none of the channels with informative murder porn appear to be working.
The screen says how do you tame a horse in Minecraft.
Yes, we do have children.
A what? A parental lock? Stan! Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft? What? What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it.
You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Come on, you can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn.
Think if we watch shows about married people killing each other we'll do it? That's stupid.
I'm not going to go out and kill your mom because I watch investigative discovery.
It'd be impossible to clear all the DNA evidence anyway.
I'd have to kill the person I hired too because 99% of the time they tell.
I thought this through a lot.
Stan? You're a lousy kid I wish Jaden Smith was my son! Who do our children think they are blocking our TV content.
How are they able to do this with their smartphones.
It's all right.
They think they outsmarted out but we are the ones paying the cable company.
Can they remove it? No, they did the usual cable company runaround.
We'll see about this.
Excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now.
Sorry, sir, if you need it now perhaps you should switch to another cable company.
Oh, there's not another cable company is there? That's right, we're the only one in town.
Look, if our kids can block content then you must be able to block them.
As we told the other sir we can fix it but we just need to send a technician to your house to change out the cable box.
Great.
We just need a window of time you can be home how about between 6:00 A.
M.
to 3:00 P.
M.
all of November.
No, I can't wait around my house from 6:00 am to 3pm all of November.
Oh, you can't? Jeez, that's too bad.
You have to be home for the technician.
Can you go to Direct TV? I can't afford Direct TV.
Oh, you can't? Geez, that's terrible.
I guess have you to work within our time windows.
Well, any luck? No, just the usual cable company stuff.
Oh, well, I guess we'll have to live without our informative crime dramas.
Screw that.
Can we learn this Minecraft game to get around our kid's parental lock.
I tried.
It's unlike other video games I don't get it it's all retro like legos and kids online called me a grifer and kicked me off.
We can learn.
There's talk of a child that he'll teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price.
Hello? Hi.
Cory Lanskin? Yes.
We heard that you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults? Fuck off! We were told you're available for hire and we're desperate.
You are still wrong, misser.
I'm a simple kit with a simple passion for simple things.
We have 100 ounces of silver.
Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones.
Now, we're going to select an empty world.
Selecting an empty world will begin you being dropped onto a beach.
Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees.
Punching trees? Why would we punch trees? Just use your fucking brain.
How do you get wood? How do you get wood? Watching informative murder porn? No, in the Minecraft forest how do you get wood? Punching trees? Right.
You punch the tree to get the wood.
You get the wood to build the cabin.
Oh, I see.
When does the game start? You are playing the game.
This is the game.
I don't get it.
That's because your think like a dad.
Minecraft don't have no winner.
No objective you're just fucking building shit and seeing if other things can come and knock it down.
Now, let's click on the inventory and build a ****.
Yeah, sir, I'm getting it now.
- You are? - No! Randy, it's getting late.
Let's just go to sleep.
I almost got it Sharon I found out where the horse is now I just have to figure out how to tame one.
I'm not in the mood now anyway.
I miss being intimate with you.
Everything was so passionate and then it just dropped off.
I feel like we're loosing our bond.
We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.
I know but it's like we're just good friends.
A marriage has to be more than that.
It has to have fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes.
Magnacube? What the hell is that? I'm going to sleep.
I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.
There he is.
Hey Kyle, the parental lock isn't working.
Our parents are still watching murder porn.
How do you know? I caught my parents watching it.
**** **** **** **** from the cable company.
It's true.
I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem.
They broke the parental lock somehow.
That's impossible.
Are you guys sure you set it up right? Guys? Better get over here.
Butter's dad killed his mom.
Butter, what happened? I was out by the lake and I saw my dad out in this field.
He was holding sugar cane.
It didn't make sense because he had a hammer.
I saw him take my mom and yelled watch out for the creepers but she fell.
Wait.
You mean in Minecraft? Yeah, then my dad went berserk and threw me down a well.
I was trapped down there all night.
Your dad threw you down a well? In Minecraft.
What the hell is that? I was able to hoist myself out.
It was like I was frozen in the lake he had no idea how to swim out of it.
It was terrible.
That's it.
That's how our parents broke the pass code.
I never thought anyone would stoop so low.
What do you mean? Somebody's teaching our parents Minecraft.
Hello sir.
Had an incident last night.
Wonder if you saw or heard anything? No, what happened? Someone broke into your next door neighbor's backyard dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.
Punched his trees? Yes, across the street, someone built a cabin.
That's weird.
What were you doing last night? I was just playing mine my banjo.
I play the banjo too.
Well, thanks for your time, sir.
You may want to keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.
Will do, officer.
Will do.
Calm down.
I know we're all concerned.
Concerned? Thanks to you and your stupid app parents are still watching murder porn and now screwing up Minecraft too.
I spent three hours trying to get my parents to stop create my castle.
When I finally got away from them, I found they had taken all my dandelions.
Why did we agree to the stupid app? We're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn.
Why? Because one kid's dad killed his mom? For all we know they were doing drugs for year.
Maybe murder porn had nothing to do with it.
I agree with Cartman.
Maybe we overreacted when Booo, Wendy, booo.
It's true.
Maybe we need to trust our parents won't act out what they see.
That's enough.
Come on out and there won't be any trouble.
Give it up.
You have nowhere to run.
Huh? I'll never give up.
I don't even remember doing this.
Just leave me alone.
Nice one.
Your castle fucking sucks.
Go to hell you grifer.
All right.
We have to do something.
Hello? Cory Lanskin? Yes.
We heard you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.
Whassa Minecraft? We're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows.
It could be a matter of life and death.
Don't be angry.
My mommy always angry.
Get back in the meat locker.
Ouchie, ouchie! Mommy rape my no-no.
She loves me, right? Mommy loves me? I guess we have the wrong house, kid.
Okay.
Bye.
What, dude? Something he said.
Did you hear him? He said ouchie, ouchie mommy rape my no-no.
If I'd be caught lying that's exactly what I would have said.
Now that you built a workbench it's time to build something to take care of those fucking sheep.
Stop using your grown up brains and start Aha! Son of a bitch.
Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff.
A kid needs to make a living, don't he? You have no idea what this is about, do you? We were using Minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows.
Like Investigative Discovery? So, you know it? Yeah, I've seen that stuff.
Who the Bleep Did I Marry.
True Crime With Aphrodite Jones.
Real sick shit.
Your parents watch that stuff? We put a stop to it until you taught them Minecraft.
Your problem ain't with me, mate.
Sure, one or two people might act out what they see in video games, but cable television? People copy everything they see people do on cable.
You got this all wrong.
You wants to protect your family, you'll have to go fight the cable company.
Hey, guys.
Can I help you? Hello.
There are certain networks we see as harmful to our families and we want them removed, please? You don't want cable any more? No, no, just I.
D.
Network, A&E, Oxygen and Oprah's network.
All the ones with murder porn.
You don't like paying for all the channels? Our company actually packages channels together.
Can you unpackage them so we only get the channels we want? Oh, I'm sorry.
Our company doesn't work that way.
You want me to give you the number of a different cable company oh, wait, we're it, aren't we? Dang it.
Guess you have to deal with our packages.
Can we talk to your supervisor, please? Oh, sure.
Hey, David.
Is there a problem here? We want specific networks dropped from our cable.
You have to pay for the bundle you can't just pay for what you watch.
Darn it! You mean we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel? I guess if you don't want to be forced to pay for Oprah you'd have to shut off your cable altogether.
Fine, then we'll shut off our cable altogether.
Mitch, when can you get out to shut off cable boxes? Oh, man.
It's gonna be like three weeks.
There's a whole plug I have to pull out.
It's like four inches long.
Three weeks, huh? Is that okay with you guys? No, that's way too long.
- Oh, it is? - Geez, that's terrible.
Goddamnit I just don't want my parents to murder each other.
Can't you see we're just trying to keep our families safe.
I don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television will make our parents do it and we probably can't stop them from watching what they want to watch.
We're just trying to make it more difficult because cable makes it so convenient.
If they didn't have easy access they'd be bummed out but it's not our responsibility to give them what they want, is it? Hey, say the last part again? What? What was the last part you said? I said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want.
The part about your parents not get getting the channels easily.
I said it would bum them out.
How much would it bum them out? Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message from the president of your cable company.
Hello.
In an effort to comfort the anguished cries of children everywhere your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming.
Customers still wishing to view true crime networks will have to purchase a separate package which will require a technician to service your cablebox every night the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese.
We realize it may be an inconvenience to you and we hope you'll voice all your concerns to us because at your local cable company the customer is always our bitch.
Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want.
You know what, the guys at work took a bet on who would win in a fight you or Jaden Smith and they said jadensmith.
He can kick your ass.
He does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents.
Then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, dad.
I wish I could! I wish I could with him so I'd be rich.
I wouldn't have to live in a boring sexless marriage where all we do is piss each other off.
Oh, crap.
Sharon, I'm sorry.
No, you're right, Randy.
Without any sex we just seem to get madder and madder at each other.
No, you're right, Sharon.
We don't need murder porn to find passion in our marriage.
We just have to get the spark back.
Let's go away somewhere, me and you.
Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us.
Sharon? Hey, sharon, are you here? I'm here, Randy.
It's beautiful, isn't it come over here.
I built us a fire.
Look what I got you.
Diamonds.
They're beautiful.
Thought I'd surprise you and there's more where that came from.
I have a surprise too, Randy.
Oh, yeah, what's that? Sharon what the effing fuck was that? Sorry, couldn't resist.
Jesus, you stuck a pickax in my skull.
Oh, I did! That felt really great.
- Felt great? - Yeah! Well, hold on, stay by the lake.
I wanna kill you know.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
You put that sword right through my face! That felt so good! - My turn again.
- Okay, hang on.
I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep.
Can you go the cabin and get in bed? Yeah, OK.
I'm in there now.
You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house! You bitch! - Oh, I love you, Randy.
- I love you too, babe.