Family Guy s17e07 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, Meg.
Where are you going? Are you kidding? The Olympic qualifiers are today.
- I'm competing.
- In what? - I'm a bi - Knew it.
- Athlete.
- Didn't know it.
If I win today, I'm going to the Olympics.
Why is this the first we're hearing about this? It's not.
God, how could you guys not know about this? I've been training for years.
Peter.
Peter, I need you to hold my ears.
Aah! (BOTH GROANING) Oh.
Oh.
(ALL GROANING) - Who wants chowder? - (ALL RETCHING) Okay, I'm off to go train for the Olympics.
Ew! Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Hey, Ma, I'm gonna go train for the Olympics.
Mama? Mama? Ma? My goal becomes clear: the broccoli must die.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) All right, I'm off to train for the Olympics.
See? I've been training since I was Lacey Chabert.
- So, are you guys gonna come? - I don't know.
The Yule Log Channel just put on another log, and I really like it when the wood goes "crack, crack, pop, crack, pop.
" We all like that.
Sorry, Meg.
That's okay.
I guess I'll just drive there by myself in my Jeep! Wait a minute.
You have a Jeep? Well, why didn't you say so? Come on, family! Let's go do TV commercial driving meant for a professional driver on a closed course.
ANNOUNCER: Jeep: The toughest four-letter word on wheels.
For the driver who doesn't like to stop going just because they've run out of road.
Ow, my balls! Why'd you do that? Head out where the real fun begins.
There was plenty of road left! Where the paved roads leave off.
Aah! My balls! It's too bumpy.
Potholes and bumps and ruts can come as they will.
Ah, they're getting rattled and smushed.
Jeep's welded, rugged and riveted frame Please go back on the road! Takes punishment in large doses - My balls! - And comes back for more! I like safe driving.
My balls! Thanks again for coming, guys.
It really means a lot to me.
Of course, honey.
We wouldn't miss it.
Plus, it's a good excuse to put on my winter coat and find items from last year still in the pocket.
Ooh, sticky pennies, a rock-hard Starburst, an appointment card for my next dental appointment that's already come and gone, a ticket stub for a matinee of Interstellar, an unwrapped piece of Dentyne, a yarmulke from when that Jewish guy died, a breath mint from the now-defunct Clorets corporation, printed-out Mapquest directions to Dave & Buster's, Iron Man Band-Aid, Flintstone vitamin I didn't take 'cause it was Barney, refrigerator magnet from local electrician who is now arrested, and balled up tissues with last year's flu on it.
You done with your pocket bits? It's freezing! So the biathlon combines cross-country skiing - and rifle shooting? - Yeah.
Well, that doesn't sound so hard.
Can I try? I don't know if that's a good idea.
My event starts soon.
Meg, it is my duty as a bad father to prove that I can do anything my kids can do.
Okay, fine.
Here we go.
All right, I think I'm getting the hang of it.
I have to say, I'm very proud of Meg.
Who knew she was good at something? Yeah, does anybody else in the family have any secret talents we don't know about? I'm the Quahog edging champion.
That's great, Chris.
Now what's that? It's the practice of erotic sexual denial.
Go wait in the car.
And no edging! RON HOWARD: But he did continue edging, bringing himself to the verge of sexual pleasure, only to stop at the last moment.
I'm Ron Howard, and I do voice-overs for this show now, too.
KRISTEN BELL: But that was the only voice-over Ron Howard did for the show.
He asked for too much money.
I'm Kristen Bell, and I do reasonably-priced voice-overs.
MAN: But her voice-overs were not reasonably priced, so they turned to me, a guy who sounds like Morgan Freeman, but is not, in fact, Morgan Freeman.
My name is Josh Robert Thompson, and I perform for scale.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) You're going down, Meg.
- Lacey Chabert?! - That's right.
This should be my Olympics.
- Shut up, Meg.
- No, you shut up, Meg.
No, you shut up, Meg.
PETER: Shut up, Megs! Yay, Meg! Wow.
Meg is going to the Olympics! Let's celebrate by burning our lips on vending machine hot chocolate.
- Ow! - Ugh! Mine has whipped cream, so I didn't get it on the first sip.
Ow! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Thank you.
Um, I-I'm not really good at public speaking, so I'll just say farble shlup muckle blop.
All right, Meg, I'll take it from here.
Hi.
I'm Lois Griffin, Meg's mother.
You may also know me as the lady who threw a plate of cheese during that city council meeting.
(CROWD MURMURING) But we got the streets plowed, though, right? (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) MAN: The cheese worked, yeah.
I just wanted to say how proud we are of Meg's accomplishment.
So it looks like the Griffins are going to the Winter Olympics in Korea! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Do you think there'll be a gag about the Jamaican bobsled team? - No, probably not.
- Oh.
'Cause I was working on my exaggerated shiver.
Burr.
Burr.
Oh.
(JAMAICAN ACCENT): Yeah, man, it be cold.
(LAUGHING): Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, maybe.
There might be.
Don't-don't go far.
Don't go far.
My race isn't for a few days, so we should have plenty of time to hang out.
Anyone want to grab some food? Sorry, Meg, I can't.
I'm trying to land you some endorsements, and I have a lead with a very popular IBS medication.
Quick, say, "I never let traveler's diarrhea keep me grounded.
" No! Well, then you're just handing this thing right to John Kruk! Oh, my God, Brian, look.
- Who is that? - Oh, that's figure skater turned flamboyant commentator Johnny Weir.
I wonder where Tara Lipinski is.
I heard they always have to be within quipping distance of each other.
Oh, she's in the hat! Isn't she amazing? I feel like she's my soul mate.
How is she your soul mate? She looks like a baby, and she's best friends with a gay guy.
- Her life is my life.
- I'm not gay.
Well, it's not me! Come on, let's go meet them.
Hi.
I just had to come over and introduce myself.
My name is Stewie, and I'm a huge fan of you guys.
Oh, it's nice to meet you, Stewie.
Yeah, it's always so nice to meet our fans.
And can I just say, the shape of your head is stunning.
Really? I get a lot of grief for it.
Some people say it looks like a football.
Okay, I don't know what that is, but they're just jealous.
Every one of them.
Remember, nothing normal looks good.
Well, I have to say, you two are the best thing to happen to sports since the New York Knicks finally changed their name.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your 2018 New York Pieces-Of-Dog-(BLEEP).
(CROWD BOOING) (EXHALES) Bitty bitty bop.
Funky, funky.
Wow, I can't believe I'm on a first-name basis with Tara Lipinski.
Now, refresh my memory: is Tara the one who had the DUI? No, that's Oksana Baiul! Oh, sounds like something Gandalf says at the foot of a mountain.
Oksana Baiul! Okay, we can go in now.
Oh, God, here she comes! Act like I said something funny.
I don't know, Stewie.
I think the Special Olympics serve an important purpose.
So do I! Who thinks they don't? I don't know.
Ask this guy.
He's a dog.
He's just learning how to talk.
So, hey, Tara, are you doing anything later? I was thinking maybe we could grab dinner or something.
Yeah, sure.
You seem cool.
That could be fun.
All right then, it's a date.
Oh, I just need to make a call.
I was supposed to help the speed skaters get their tights over their thighs.
(GRUNTING) Stewie, it's not gonna fit! Hey, we can do this.
I worked with Garth Brooks.
Shirt and pants.
Little secret Garth wears leggings.
The denim pattern is projected on.
Hello, Kansas City! Stick to the agreed-upon choreography, please.
Ask who else has friends in low places.
BROOKS: Hey, who else here has friends in low places? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) All right, we got 'em back, baby.
Whoa, Ryan Lochte? - Uh, where? - You.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, are you athlete? No, I just like wearing clothes that feel like pajamas.
That's most of what being athlete is.
Wait, aren't you a summer sport guy? Oh it's cold.
Here's a beer.
Follow me.
MORGAN FREEMAN: Peter partied all night with international bozo Ryan Lochte.
And this voice-over was actually covered by my original payment.
Stewie, I'm very impressed.
I didn't know you skated.
Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me.
Like I'm always full of surprises.
- (SNAPS FINGERS) - (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) - BRIAN: Did it work? - Yes.
Yeah.
You were supposed to be quiet! Would you like to join me for a dance? Wow! STEWIE: But that's not how it really happened.
Would you like to join me for a dance? BRIAN: Oh-ho! Wow.
Ow! Ow! I bit my tongue! - I swallowed the piece! - Oh, my God, are you okay? Don't go on the ice.
It's too slippery.
I'll crawl back.
Don't watch me.
(GROANING) - Hi, hi, hi.
- Oh.
Hey, Johnny.
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom real quick.
B-R-B.
Oh, she's a regular Tinkle Britches.
(DEEP VOICE): Get the hell out of here, you little maggot.
Wha-Wha Johnny? - What happened to your voice? - This is my voice.
You think I actually talk like that? That's just something I do to get the skater chicks.
- Does Tara know? - Nah.
She don't like guys like me.
(HIGH-PITCHED): She likes guys like me.
Wait, but she had a great time with me tonight.
(DEEP VOICE): Yeah, that's what she does with her gay friends.
But you're her gay friend.
What'd you say, you little (BLEEP)?! Is everything okay out here? (HIGH-PITCHED): Yeah, I was just looking at his shirt.
I love this Nordstrom Rack.
How was the tinkle? It was good.
I also dumped.
You're so bad.
Anyway, sad emoji face, Stewie has to leave.
Oh.
Okay.
Bye, Stewie.
I had a wonderful time.
Me me, too.
(DEEP VOICE): Not as good as I'm gonna have.
And I know what a (BLEEP) football is.
Killed me to say that.
Hey, you flush underwear in train toilet?! Yeah, they, uh, th-they were done.
This illegal.
I want you off train! What are you gonna do about it? You're just a train conductor who has a huge kicking foot? Aah! Oh! Where the hell am I? Oh, my God, I'm in the wrong Korea.
That's it.
Like your missiles, I'm about to go ballistic.
PETER: But that's not how it really happened.
That's it.
Like your missiles, I'm about to go ballistic.
Ow! A northern bird flew into my nuts! (GROANS) Go to commercial.
(SNIFFING) That's weird.
It doesn't smell like open butt in here.
Peter? Huh, he's usually up by now dry-heaving in the shower.
Hi, I'm pink-eyed Bob Costas, live from our Pyeongchang studios, here to bring you breaking news, and occasionally blink off-synch in an attempt to satisfy my searing eye itchiness.
A U.
S.
tourist, Peter Griffin, has been apprehended by North Korea and is being held prisoner for what I'm being told is trespassing and doing that thing with your eyes that makes you look Chinese.
Damn it.
Why does Peter have to ruin every family vacation? Just like he ruined our trip to La La Land.
Hey, guy who's never been uncool in a movie, I requested "Dominick the Donkey" like an hour ago.
It's Christmastime, and I want greaseball songs.
(SIGHS) Hey, chingedy ching, hee-haw, hee-haw It's Dominick the donkey Chingedy ching, hee-haw, hee-haw The Italian Christmas donkey La, la, la-la Ooh, like the movie! La-la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la-lee, oh, dah! Again.
(DEEP VOICE): Hey, sorry about last night, bro.
- No hard feelings? - Yes, hard feelings.
I told you, I really liked her.
Yo, relax.
We only had awesome sex.
Geez.
All right, see you later.
I got to go wash Tara's lipstick off my ass.
Well, at least I have a side, you neutral Swiss cowards! Oh, hey, Stewie, how's it going? Terrible.
Johnny Weir's making my life a nightmare.
I really thought I had a shot with Tara Lipinski, and he ruined it.
I'm sorry to hear that.
You want me to take him out for you? Really? You'd do that for me? Of course.
I owe you for getting me that job with Gloria Allred.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) CHRIS: They say if you get a job doing what you love, you never work a day in your life.
Now it's clothes, now it's clothes, now it's clothes.
This is for my brother, you Tom Hiddleston lookalike! - (DEEP VOICE): You serious, bro? - Oh, no.
Now you're gonna beat me up like a Batman fight, only with gay words.
Kids, Brian, I've got some bad news.
Your father has been kidnapped by North Korea.
We've got to save him.
But my race is this afternoon.
I know, but your father needs us.
I don't care.
Where was he when I needed help? Where were any of you guys? This was supposed to be my week.
Down here, it's my time.
It's my time down here! - Is that from Goonies? - I think so, yeah.
So you guys can all go.
But I'm staying here, and I'm competing.
And I'm gonna go inside, outside, inside, outside.
And I'm gonna get 'em on the run, boys.
And once I get 'em on the run, I'm gonna keep 'em on the run.
Wow, she knows a lot of Sean Astin speeches.
Go.
You don't care.
The only thing you care about is nugs, chilling and grindage.
Encino Man.
Sean Astin, deep cut.
Me? Oh ANNOUNCER: Racers, take your mark.
(STARTING GUN FIRES) SPECTATOR: Go, everyone but her.
(CHEERING) Wait, before you kill me, can you at least give me an extra bullet so I can pretend to catch one in my teeth? (GUNS CLICKING) MEG: Lacey Chabert! Meg! (GROANS) Meg, that was amazing! But how we gonna get out of here? - We're surrounded.
- There's only one way.
An impossible video game escape.
Ooh, can it be GoldenEye? - Sure.
- Yes! PETER: Bond.
James Bond.
Don't worry, Meg, it's less sad because they don't bleed.
Oh, don't shoot this guy.
He was nice to me.
Aw, never mind.
These guys are terrible shots.
I love this almost James Bond music.
Meg, this is what 1997 looked like.
It's my turn next try.
I want to go next.
You think one guy had to shovel this whole walkway? Oh, great, more stairs.
This is how you know we're done.
Peter, you're safe! Yep, and it's all thanks to Meg.
But, Meg, what about your race? Well, I realized that it wasn't worth doing if you guys weren't there with me.
Oh, Meg, we are so sorry for how we treated you this week.
You may not have won a gold medal in the games, but you won one in our hearts.
What do you say, guys, should we go home? I don't know, I'm thinking maybe we can hang out a little bit longer, see what else Korea has to offer Uh-oh.
No! You leave Korea now! - (GRUNTS) - PETER: Meet me wherever I land! MORGAN FREEMAN: Peter landed somewhere in the DMZ, and was recaptured by North Korea.
Fortunately, tensions caused by this international incident were resolved by the steady hand of Dennis Rodman, who let Kim Jong-un win in a one-on-one basketball game against him, continuously saying, "Oop, you got me," in a way that was just convincing enough for Kim to believe.