Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s17e10 Episode Script
Brushes At Dawn
Of course, I was using tactics so secret I still can't reveal the operational details.
No, in certain areas my lips must remain sealed.
Sealed? Mm.
That's more than they've been since you came in.
Ah! What are you doing? I'm just gonna trim your sideburns! Ugh You should never approach a trained killer with a weapon! I'm sorry.
I was acting on pure reflex.
Even after all these years, I'm I'm still like a finely tuned machine.
I hope I didn't hurt your wrist.
I pulled back just in time.
Fortunately, you didn't get the full power of the warrior's grip.
Do you want a splash of perfume? Perfume for a trained killer? It's sweet jasmine.
Go on, then - just a splash.
Have you nothing to do? I'm just an interested spectator.
Carry on.
You've no right to be spectating.
Go on.
I'm looking for summat.
On my clothes line? Thy corsets.
I don't see 'em any more.
Has tha stopped wearing them? None of your business.
Cheeky devil! Oh, I miss seeing them corsets on the line.
By, they were a great windbreak.
They stopped my windows from rattling, I can tell thee.
You'll get all the rattle you can handle in a minute.
Promises, promises.
COMPO SNIFFS Who's full of Eastern promise? I've just had me hair cut.
It's sweet jasmine.
Sweet jasmine? 'Ey, up! You know what they're like.
They slosh it on before you can stop 'em.
Well, it's fine out here, but don't let's get into any confined spaces.
It gives thee a brand new image.
The ladies'll love it! BICYCLE BELL PINGS 'Ey up! Marina! Such a deeply masculine voice from a small pair of wellies! Cheeky! Take a sniff of this! I'm sure it's of no interest to the lady.
I wouldn't say that! Oh, how are you, Norman? Nervous.
It's amazing how quickly you can be surrounded by men! I don't know what the fuss is about.
It's just a little barber's spray.
Happy birthday! It's not my birthday, madam! Oh, well, here's a little something on account.
LAUGHTER Oh, come along, that man! Hey up, this is tricky stuff.
What, picking horses? No, not for you.
No, you've got a perfect record.
You get it wrong EVERY time.
I sometimes get a winner.
When? All right - so I'm lucky in love.
With Nora Batty? It's not only horses you can't pick.
Nora and me are all right.
She stops my windows from rattling.
What does he mean - she stops his windows from rattling? I don't think it pays to ask.
I never enquire too closely into people's affairs.
I get enough of that with Howard.
It's not your basis for a normal relationship, is it? She stops his windows from rattling? It's as well he never got double glazing.
ECHOING: You there! I say, you there! Lend a hand, there's a good chap.
Come along, now! Chop chop.
Come along, that man.
'Ey up! There's a dead vicar wants us.
How do you mean, there's a dead vicar wants us? He just popped up, from the grave.
Oh, don't talk nonsense.
I saw it.
I'm telling thee.
I don't want to see him.
If he keeps popping up out of graves, I don't want to see him.
I don't even know what to say to LIVE vicars.
He talks posh.
Not only dead, but chuffin' middle class.
Well, there must be some perfectly rational solution.
Ah, you've brought your friends along too.
Good chap.
Come along, now.
Chop chop.
He doesn't look like a dead vicar to me.
You need a mirror.
You can't be sure till you've seen them in a mirror.
Come along now, chop chop.
Follow me.
Wait here, you people.
Now we'll never know if he was a dead vicar.
The man obviously needs us for something.
His dinner, possibly.
If he needs us for summat, what the hell are we hanging about for? Let's go.
The man wants a hand, we give him a hand.
I'm not singing hymns.
Nobody asked you to.
They get you into church and make you sing hymns.
No, no, no.
It'll be to carry something.
If people want you for something, it's always to carry something.
CLATTERING Take these to the church hall.
And if you will, give them to Mr Chiselhurst.
He's in charge of the pageant.
Chisel Chiselhurst? "Know it all" William Chiselhurst? Trust him! I told you.
Carrying something.
At least it's not hymns.
Trust a Chiselhurst to shove his way in.
Oh, God! A stranger smiles at you, you know you've got to carry something.
This armour needs a polish.
I wouldn't have let my squad turn out in armour like this.
It would have been easier with a dead vicar.
LOUD CLATTERING Sounds to me like a wheel bearing's gone! Anyone home? Hello? Excuse me! You feel such a fool standing here with your armour undone.
Well, I'm getting rid of this lot.
I'm not carting this any further.
Looks like the armour's come! Look what's come with it! Good day, ladies.
Have you seen that oaf Chiselhurst? He's through there somewhere.
SNIFF, SNIFF Sweet jasmine.
CHURCH CLOCK CHIMES There's nobody here.
Come on, give us a cuddle! That's him.
That's Chiselhurst.
Come on, give me a cuddle.
I'm a widower now.
It's legal.
No need to be like that.
I fancied you even when we were at school! She don't fancy him! Steady on, lass.
It's not my fault if you make me blood boil! Ooh, how dare you! Nora Batty! What's tha doing with this idiot? It wasn't my idea! "Come and give me a hand with this!" he said.
I'LL give you a hand! It's not just a passing fancy! Move in with me, Nora! Clean house! He's after my bird.
I don't believe it.
Me neither.
Maybe he made a mistake in the dark.
A bit of healthy exercise will soon put him right.
It looks like he'll never be right! It's just temporary shock.
For now, he's lost his mental balance.
He's always struck me as someone liable to lose his mental balance.
I mean, you can't say those are the trousers of a rational human being.
He was always so down-to-earth and untroubled.
Nothing worried him.
There - that's mental for a start! Come along, that man! Return Of The Zombies.
Did you see the film? Terrifying.
He has the exact expression of someone looking at an official form.
HORN HOOTS What's up? He's been like that since he found Nora Batty in a cupboard with a man.
Nora Batty? It wasn't her fault.
She was tricked! Somebody went to the bother of tricking Nora Batty into a cupboard? Yeah, Billy Chiselhurst.
Stop at nothing, some people.
What? What? What? Don't YOU start! Hello! Is there anyone there? He needs a shock.
A shock put him into it.
A shock might fetch him out of it.
Ye gods! It's contagious.
Get him out.
I can't get through to him.
I can't sell him a thing.
He's beyond human aid! He's just shattered a perfect record.
There's nobody ever walked out of this shop without buying something.
Promise me something.
When he comes round, bring him back.
I'll send him.
I won't BRING him.
Look at it this way.
It's not that he's escaped.
It's more like he's temporarily out on bail.
Ah, that's my boy.
Steady does it.
We'll give him a cup of tea at your place, Clegg.
We can't take him home.
It's too near Nora's.
Thanks for the lift.
No problem.
How did she sound? Nora Batty? In the cupboard, she sounded angry.
I don't mean Nora Batty! I mean this old beast.
How do you think she sounded? I've been fine-tuning her.
She's a jewel, is this.
What did tha say? She's a jewel.
A duel.
That's it! I'll challenge him to a duel.
I'll murder him.
I'll teach him that nobody messes with my woman.
Nobody messes with my woman, boy.
Nobody's messing with anybody's woman.
I scarcely know the lady.
We just happen to meet occasionally, quite by accident.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, little impetuous person.
I mean it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to challenge him to a duel.
So we understand.
These things must be done in the proper manner.
You have to go through the correct form.
Dignity.
Ceremony.
Listen, I want to bury him, not marry him.
Are you sure about that? From some angles, he's prettier than Nora.
What do I do, then? You formally issue a challenge.
You slap him across the face with a glove.
Slap him across the gob with a glove? Very dignified(!) Anyroad, I don't have a glove.
Use a wellie.
Slap him across the face with a wellie.
He can't use a wellie! It has to be dignified.
What have you got? I don't know Not a ferret.
You can't slap him across the face with a ferret.
Shh! Ah - me paper.
That'll do.
Yes.
Slap him across the face with a sporting paper - very appropriate.
What's your problem? Keep away from Nora Batty! Keep away? I didn't get anywhere near Nora Batty! She knows some moves, does that one! Billy Chiselhurst, hear ye! I challenge thee to a duel.
What was that for? Oh, dear, I told thee! A duel! Couldn't you must pass me a note or something? Dawn? Why did tha say dawn? It's tradition.
These things must be done properly.
You meet at dawn.
He won't be up.
He will tomorrow.
But dawn! I mean, couldn't we take a crack at this a little more gently, say somewhere round abouthalf past eleven? Come on! How many times does he have to run round the park? As many as possible.
I mean, we've only got a few hours to improve his general condition.
Isn't it pushing it a bit at our age? Who's pushing it? We're sitting here on a park bench.
I meant him.
Oh, him.
Oh, yeah Well, no, no, no.
No, he'll be all right.
The Lord always looks after his idiots.
PANTING Howhow many more times, Norm? I can just see Nora now, being hauled into another cupboard.
HE GRUNTS ALARM RINGS KNOCKING ON WINDOW What's she doing open at this hour? It's for you.
Especially for you.
For me? Yeah! FRYING AND CRUNCHING What's going on? Wait and see.
He can't go out duelling on an empty stomach.
Get that down you.
More when you're ready! Me? Everybody's little hero.
It's almost worth getting up for! Wait a minute - I can't afford this! I've got gee-gees to support! It's on the house! We won't send you out on an empty stomach into all sorts of danger! Danger? What's she mean, danger? You're going to fight a duel.
What do you expect? Come on, man, you laugh at danger! What's tha think, Norm? You know me.
I'm inclined to laugh at any dollop who laughs at danger.
Ooh, I think he's so brave! And he's doing it for me! Danger? I laugh at danger.
Pass the sauce.
Where are we? Where are we? You're at the secret rendezvous.
Secret? Why secret? It's got to be secret.
You don't go advertising duels.
Rubbish.
I laugh at advertising.
Come in.
How do you feel? Full.
I'm not surprised, after three helpings.
Don't worry.
It'll probably never happen again.
Where's your weapons? A brush? You can do a lot of damage with a yard brush.
Ask Nora Batty.
Fighting for Nora Batty, with her own favourite weapon! You are atruly parfit gentle knight.
It's true, Norm.
A duel with brushes? There won't be a lot of blood, then, will there? I'm sorry tha's disappointed! Here's the opposition.
Here comes your opponent.
Hey up! He's bigger than I thought! You can eat him! Not after a breakfast like that! Where's your second? He's there.
I'm not sure of the duties of a second.
The question I want to ask is - do they get hurt? Is there any danger to seconds? No, there's no danger to seconds! Well, as long as you're sure! I wish you luck, then.
Thanks, Norm.
I think this is probably the noblest most stupid thing you have ever done.
Thanks, Norm.
Right.
Shake hands and take up your positions.
Shake hands? I'm going to fight him! Shakehands.
CRUNCH Here's your sturdy mount.
Will it take the weight of his armour? I should think so.
He's probably the shortest knight of the year! APPLAUSE Secret rendezvous! You must have opened your big mouth! I hope there's a collection for the artists! That would infringe your amateur status.
Oh, I should hate that(!) Nora's watching! How do you feel? Still full! LOUD BELCH Do you feel aggressive? Are you kidding? I'm a tiger! I'm a TIGER! Which one's Mr Simmonite? The one that looks like he's eaten three breakfasts.
If he fights like he eats breakfast My Barry has muesli.
Don't tell everybody.
They'll think it's a skin condition.
He ate that last piece of fried bread just for me! It's the little things you remember! Crumbs all over me floor is what I remember! I never thought he'd get up.
I never thought he'd make it on time.
He's doing it for me! One, two, three ALL: Oh! Will he be all right? He's usually all right.
All these years, he's never come to any harm! They rarely come to any harm.
Unless they've been experimenting with muesli! Oh, Mother! The armour's jammed.
They're locked together! We could cut them free.
Don't start cutting! Even WE don't know where everything is! That was his voice! I heard his voice! Where's my lass? Come here, Nora! This bloke Chiselhurst wants to apologise! NORA: Oh! I daren't tell you where he's got his armoured elbow! Get on with it! Apologise! Oh! I'm sorry, missus! It'll never happen again! Please give up digging your elbow in! Tell her.
Tell her! There is only one man in your life oooh and it's him! Not him! Wrong lid, wrong lid!
No, in certain areas my lips must remain sealed.
Sealed? Mm.
That's more than they've been since you came in.
Ah! What are you doing? I'm just gonna trim your sideburns! Ugh You should never approach a trained killer with a weapon! I'm sorry.
I was acting on pure reflex.
Even after all these years, I'm I'm still like a finely tuned machine.
I hope I didn't hurt your wrist.
I pulled back just in time.
Fortunately, you didn't get the full power of the warrior's grip.
Do you want a splash of perfume? Perfume for a trained killer? It's sweet jasmine.
Go on, then - just a splash.
Have you nothing to do? I'm just an interested spectator.
Carry on.
You've no right to be spectating.
Go on.
I'm looking for summat.
On my clothes line? Thy corsets.
I don't see 'em any more.
Has tha stopped wearing them? None of your business.
Cheeky devil! Oh, I miss seeing them corsets on the line.
By, they were a great windbreak.
They stopped my windows from rattling, I can tell thee.
You'll get all the rattle you can handle in a minute.
Promises, promises.
COMPO SNIFFS Who's full of Eastern promise? I've just had me hair cut.
It's sweet jasmine.
Sweet jasmine? 'Ey, up! You know what they're like.
They slosh it on before you can stop 'em.
Well, it's fine out here, but don't let's get into any confined spaces.
It gives thee a brand new image.
The ladies'll love it! BICYCLE BELL PINGS 'Ey up! Marina! Such a deeply masculine voice from a small pair of wellies! Cheeky! Take a sniff of this! I'm sure it's of no interest to the lady.
I wouldn't say that! Oh, how are you, Norman? Nervous.
It's amazing how quickly you can be surrounded by men! I don't know what the fuss is about.
It's just a little barber's spray.
Happy birthday! It's not my birthday, madam! Oh, well, here's a little something on account.
LAUGHTER Oh, come along, that man! Hey up, this is tricky stuff.
What, picking horses? No, not for you.
No, you've got a perfect record.
You get it wrong EVERY time.
I sometimes get a winner.
When? All right - so I'm lucky in love.
With Nora Batty? It's not only horses you can't pick.
Nora and me are all right.
She stops my windows from rattling.
What does he mean - she stops his windows from rattling? I don't think it pays to ask.
I never enquire too closely into people's affairs.
I get enough of that with Howard.
It's not your basis for a normal relationship, is it? She stops his windows from rattling? It's as well he never got double glazing.
ECHOING: You there! I say, you there! Lend a hand, there's a good chap.
Come along, now! Chop chop.
Come along, that man.
'Ey up! There's a dead vicar wants us.
How do you mean, there's a dead vicar wants us? He just popped up, from the grave.
Oh, don't talk nonsense.
I saw it.
I'm telling thee.
I don't want to see him.
If he keeps popping up out of graves, I don't want to see him.
I don't even know what to say to LIVE vicars.
He talks posh.
Not only dead, but chuffin' middle class.
Well, there must be some perfectly rational solution.
Ah, you've brought your friends along too.
Good chap.
Come along, now.
Chop chop.
He doesn't look like a dead vicar to me.
You need a mirror.
You can't be sure till you've seen them in a mirror.
Come along now, chop chop.
Follow me.
Wait here, you people.
Now we'll never know if he was a dead vicar.
The man obviously needs us for something.
His dinner, possibly.
If he needs us for summat, what the hell are we hanging about for? Let's go.
The man wants a hand, we give him a hand.
I'm not singing hymns.
Nobody asked you to.
They get you into church and make you sing hymns.
No, no, no.
It'll be to carry something.
If people want you for something, it's always to carry something.
CLATTERING Take these to the church hall.
And if you will, give them to Mr Chiselhurst.
He's in charge of the pageant.
Chisel Chiselhurst? "Know it all" William Chiselhurst? Trust him! I told you.
Carrying something.
At least it's not hymns.
Trust a Chiselhurst to shove his way in.
Oh, God! A stranger smiles at you, you know you've got to carry something.
This armour needs a polish.
I wouldn't have let my squad turn out in armour like this.
It would have been easier with a dead vicar.
LOUD CLATTERING Sounds to me like a wheel bearing's gone! Anyone home? Hello? Excuse me! You feel such a fool standing here with your armour undone.
Well, I'm getting rid of this lot.
I'm not carting this any further.
Looks like the armour's come! Look what's come with it! Good day, ladies.
Have you seen that oaf Chiselhurst? He's through there somewhere.
SNIFF, SNIFF Sweet jasmine.
CHURCH CLOCK CHIMES There's nobody here.
Come on, give us a cuddle! That's him.
That's Chiselhurst.
Come on, give me a cuddle.
I'm a widower now.
It's legal.
No need to be like that.
I fancied you even when we were at school! She don't fancy him! Steady on, lass.
It's not my fault if you make me blood boil! Ooh, how dare you! Nora Batty! What's tha doing with this idiot? It wasn't my idea! "Come and give me a hand with this!" he said.
I'LL give you a hand! It's not just a passing fancy! Move in with me, Nora! Clean house! He's after my bird.
I don't believe it.
Me neither.
Maybe he made a mistake in the dark.
A bit of healthy exercise will soon put him right.
It looks like he'll never be right! It's just temporary shock.
For now, he's lost his mental balance.
He's always struck me as someone liable to lose his mental balance.
I mean, you can't say those are the trousers of a rational human being.
He was always so down-to-earth and untroubled.
Nothing worried him.
There - that's mental for a start! Come along, that man! Return Of The Zombies.
Did you see the film? Terrifying.
He has the exact expression of someone looking at an official form.
HORN HOOTS What's up? He's been like that since he found Nora Batty in a cupboard with a man.
Nora Batty? It wasn't her fault.
She was tricked! Somebody went to the bother of tricking Nora Batty into a cupboard? Yeah, Billy Chiselhurst.
Stop at nothing, some people.
What? What? What? Don't YOU start! Hello! Is there anyone there? He needs a shock.
A shock put him into it.
A shock might fetch him out of it.
Ye gods! It's contagious.
Get him out.
I can't get through to him.
I can't sell him a thing.
He's beyond human aid! He's just shattered a perfect record.
There's nobody ever walked out of this shop without buying something.
Promise me something.
When he comes round, bring him back.
I'll send him.
I won't BRING him.
Look at it this way.
It's not that he's escaped.
It's more like he's temporarily out on bail.
Ah, that's my boy.
Steady does it.
We'll give him a cup of tea at your place, Clegg.
We can't take him home.
It's too near Nora's.
Thanks for the lift.
No problem.
How did she sound? Nora Batty? In the cupboard, she sounded angry.
I don't mean Nora Batty! I mean this old beast.
How do you think she sounded? I've been fine-tuning her.
She's a jewel, is this.
What did tha say? She's a jewel.
A duel.
That's it! I'll challenge him to a duel.
I'll murder him.
I'll teach him that nobody messes with my woman.
Nobody messes with my woman, boy.
Nobody's messing with anybody's woman.
I scarcely know the lady.
We just happen to meet occasionally, quite by accident.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, little impetuous person.
I mean it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going to challenge him to a duel.
So we understand.
These things must be done in the proper manner.
You have to go through the correct form.
Dignity.
Ceremony.
Listen, I want to bury him, not marry him.
Are you sure about that? From some angles, he's prettier than Nora.
What do I do, then? You formally issue a challenge.
You slap him across the face with a glove.
Slap him across the gob with a glove? Very dignified(!) Anyroad, I don't have a glove.
Use a wellie.
Slap him across the face with a wellie.
He can't use a wellie! It has to be dignified.
What have you got? I don't know Not a ferret.
You can't slap him across the face with a ferret.
Shh! Ah - me paper.
That'll do.
Yes.
Slap him across the face with a sporting paper - very appropriate.
What's your problem? Keep away from Nora Batty! Keep away? I didn't get anywhere near Nora Batty! She knows some moves, does that one! Billy Chiselhurst, hear ye! I challenge thee to a duel.
What was that for? Oh, dear, I told thee! A duel! Couldn't you must pass me a note or something? Dawn? Why did tha say dawn? It's tradition.
These things must be done properly.
You meet at dawn.
He won't be up.
He will tomorrow.
But dawn! I mean, couldn't we take a crack at this a little more gently, say somewhere round abouthalf past eleven? Come on! How many times does he have to run round the park? As many as possible.
I mean, we've only got a few hours to improve his general condition.
Isn't it pushing it a bit at our age? Who's pushing it? We're sitting here on a park bench.
I meant him.
Oh, him.
Oh, yeah Well, no, no, no.
No, he'll be all right.
The Lord always looks after his idiots.
PANTING Howhow many more times, Norm? I can just see Nora now, being hauled into another cupboard.
HE GRUNTS ALARM RINGS KNOCKING ON WINDOW What's she doing open at this hour? It's for you.
Especially for you.
For me? Yeah! FRYING AND CRUNCHING What's going on? Wait and see.
He can't go out duelling on an empty stomach.
Get that down you.
More when you're ready! Me? Everybody's little hero.
It's almost worth getting up for! Wait a minute - I can't afford this! I've got gee-gees to support! It's on the house! We won't send you out on an empty stomach into all sorts of danger! Danger? What's she mean, danger? You're going to fight a duel.
What do you expect? Come on, man, you laugh at danger! What's tha think, Norm? You know me.
I'm inclined to laugh at any dollop who laughs at danger.
Ooh, I think he's so brave! And he's doing it for me! Danger? I laugh at danger.
Pass the sauce.
Where are we? Where are we? You're at the secret rendezvous.
Secret? Why secret? It's got to be secret.
You don't go advertising duels.
Rubbish.
I laugh at advertising.
Come in.
How do you feel? Full.
I'm not surprised, after three helpings.
Don't worry.
It'll probably never happen again.
Where's your weapons? A brush? You can do a lot of damage with a yard brush.
Ask Nora Batty.
Fighting for Nora Batty, with her own favourite weapon! You are atruly parfit gentle knight.
It's true, Norm.
A duel with brushes? There won't be a lot of blood, then, will there? I'm sorry tha's disappointed! Here's the opposition.
Here comes your opponent.
Hey up! He's bigger than I thought! You can eat him! Not after a breakfast like that! Where's your second? He's there.
I'm not sure of the duties of a second.
The question I want to ask is - do they get hurt? Is there any danger to seconds? No, there's no danger to seconds! Well, as long as you're sure! I wish you luck, then.
Thanks, Norm.
I think this is probably the noblest most stupid thing you have ever done.
Thanks, Norm.
Right.
Shake hands and take up your positions.
Shake hands? I'm going to fight him! Shakehands.
CRUNCH Here's your sturdy mount.
Will it take the weight of his armour? I should think so.
He's probably the shortest knight of the year! APPLAUSE Secret rendezvous! You must have opened your big mouth! I hope there's a collection for the artists! That would infringe your amateur status.
Oh, I should hate that(!) Nora's watching! How do you feel? Still full! LOUD BELCH Do you feel aggressive? Are you kidding? I'm a tiger! I'm a TIGER! Which one's Mr Simmonite? The one that looks like he's eaten three breakfasts.
If he fights like he eats breakfast My Barry has muesli.
Don't tell everybody.
They'll think it's a skin condition.
He ate that last piece of fried bread just for me! It's the little things you remember! Crumbs all over me floor is what I remember! I never thought he'd get up.
I never thought he'd make it on time.
He's doing it for me! One, two, three ALL: Oh! Will he be all right? He's usually all right.
All these years, he's never come to any harm! They rarely come to any harm.
Unless they've been experimenting with muesli! Oh, Mother! The armour's jammed.
They're locked together! We could cut them free.
Don't start cutting! Even WE don't know where everything is! That was his voice! I heard his voice! Where's my lass? Come here, Nora! This bloke Chiselhurst wants to apologise! NORA: Oh! I daren't tell you where he's got his armoured elbow! Get on with it! Apologise! Oh! I'm sorry, missus! It'll never happen again! Please give up digging your elbow in! Tell her.
Tell her! There is only one man in your life oooh and it's him! Not him! Wrong lid, wrong lid!