Family Guy s17e11 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! NARRATOR: Previously on Family Guy STEWIE: Dad's working for the Trump White House? Huh hey, Stewie, can we do that again? Maybe a little more energy? (SIGHS) Uh, no? ENGINEER: I-I think we can use it.
Oh, yay, that's awesome.
Wow, the White House is great.
There's no wonder you spend two days a week here.
I'm sorry, can you hang on a sec? Got to close this window.
Melania's out there blowing bubbles for Eric.
(GIGGLING) Dad, I got one in my mouth.
It tastes like soap! Tremendous.
Amazing.
Okay, Peter, your main job here is to go in rooms before me to make sure there's no static electricity.
Don't go in there.
It's not safe.
Well done, Peter.
(ZAPPING) Everyone, welcome to our new place.
I think we're gonna enjoy the Beltway lifestyle.
Washington, D.
C.
is a wonderful city to call home.
And will we be putting our kids in the local public schools? No, I would not recommend it.
Dibs on the bedroom in which an intern got murdered.
Aw, I want the intern murder bedroom! There's no need to fight, kids.
An intern has been murdered in each of the bedrooms.
(CHRIS AND STEWIE GASP) Well, I think this sucks.
I want to go back to Quahog.
But we just got here, sweetie.
Tomorrow, at James Woods High, it's Scoliosis Spine Check Day.
It's the one day a year I get touched! Meg, your father got this great new opportunity, and we need to support him.
Let's give D.
C.
a chance, huh? Yeah, Meg, trust me Before long, we'll fit right in here, like a cowboy in a Chinese Starbucks.
(JANING) This is the most strangest place ever.
Yee! Ha! Oh, this ain't so different.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, this is so exciting! I've never been to a fancy White House party before.
We're happy you're here, Mrs.
Griffin, Mr.
Griffin.
And we're glad you brought your two children and former Governor Chris Christie.
That's, like, the fourth person who's called Meg Chris Christie.
(SIGHS) Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry everyone thinks you're a historically unpopular fatso from New Jersey.
Whatever.
I just want to go home.
Oh, you can't go home yet! We haven't even served dinner.
And I hope you saved your appetite, because, later, we're all wiping our ass with the Constitution.
Hi, Brian Griffin.
They let me write some of the liberal jokes.
How you liking 'em? Good, there's more coming.
Folks, to drink this evening, we've got red wine, white wine, and a fifth of bourbon.
What'll you have, disgraced political oddity Roger Stone? I'll take the fifth.
(CHUCKLES) That works on two levels.
Layered.
Man, the Trump White House is so awesome.
And for sure it's not crawling with Russians.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT): That's for actual, other American at this party.
So, what kinds of things do you hearing from our Mr.
USA President? I don't know, fellow American, but here's my Gmail log-in and password, 'cause I know I can trust you with it.
Wonderful.
Now, to please excuse, I have very aching gut from eating so much apple cake.
Ha! Doesn't get more American than that.
(PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (SIZZLING) Sorry! I'm just looking for the exit.
I didn't mean to Holy girl boner.
Ivanka Trump Has a gentle breeze indoors.
Tell those kids, if they ever want to see their parents again, they'll make the shoes! Do you know who you're dealing with? My husband is the son of a felon who went to prison for blackmailing his brother-in-law by entrapping him with a prostitute and then mailing a copy of the tape to his own sister! All that stuff Happened for real.
Is everything okay? Huh? Oh.
Yeah.
Sorry to be out of sorts.
I just Sometimes I wish I could meet someone else whose dad is a fat idiot who once had a hit television show and who, over time, has worn out his welcome.
- You know, Meg's dad is als - Shut up, Tiffany.
Yeah.
Shut up, Tiffany.
Meg, I think you'd look amazing in my brand of lifestyle products that are designed to represent a poor person's idea of what a rich person would wear.
- You think so? - Trust me.
When I'm done with you, you'll be pretty enough to marry an Orthodox Jewish son of a felon who's too stupid to get into Harvard the normal way.
And whose voice is way higher than you thought it would be? (HIGH-PITCHE): Hi, honey.
Ready for dinner? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Stewie, where have you been? (RUSSIAN ACCENT): Ugh, many American baby things am I doing.
So, what is your favorite ballistic missile launch codes? Whoa, is that Meg? That girl is pretty.
So pretty by D.
C.
standards.
With Geico, you can save up to 15% on car insurance.
Wow! Two-thirds of the people here are talking about me.
Because you're beautiful, Meg.
Thanks to you.
Come on, let me introduce you to the president.
He's kind of like my boyfriend.
Hang on.
He's still getting ready.
(WHIRRING) Hey, Dad, I want you to meet my new friend, Meg.
- Pleased to meet you.
- I've got to run, Dad.
Thanks again for getting me plastic surgery in my teens.
Um, yeah, anyway, it's an honor to meet you, Mr.
President.
This is amazing.
Yesterday, I was at Quahog Pond, pulling out carps just to watch them suffocate.
And now look at me, with the winner of the 46th-largest electoral college victory of all time.
And, I got to say, I'm a huge fan of your board game and your beef products and your fraudulent university and (DOORBELL RING) - Oh, my God! - Oh, please.
Every president since Washington has done this.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Dearest Martha, I cannot wait to once again place my hand onto your Gates of Venus.
HARRY TRUMAN: My darling Bess, tonight, I'm going to drop the Big One onto your Pacific theater.
GEORGE H.
W.
BUSH: Hey, Barbara Bush, working late.
Sleeping in office.
Crazy headache.
You look like my mom.
Good afternoon, I'm Tim Tucker, not my twin brother, Tom.
Our top story: mentally challenged boys' T-shirts.
Are they getting even longer? Um, guys, I got to tell you something.
Last night, at the White House, President Trump touched me inappropriately.
- What?! - Meg, that's my boss, all right? This is my career you're talking about.
I spent a whole day working on this.
You want me to just throw away in one day what I've spent a whole day trying to build? A whole day's worth of work, poof, gone in a day! Meg, you expect us to believe that the president of the United States would grab a woman by her (BLEEP)? That's ridiculous! How could you not believe me? Oh, hang on.
CNN's on, where I'm the loudest guy on an overcrowded panel.
This country needs stronger border security.
Our border security is the strongest in the world.
What we need is to take care of our children.
I can't get an erection! You think giving them amnesty is fair to the people who are already here? They're contributing to the economy.
I've tried all the herbs! Amnesty is never the answer.
It's not amnesty.
It's recognizing their contributions to our country.
They said to meditate, but I keep fallin' asleep! We need stronger vetting.
And to enforce the laws already on the books.
I'm terrified of being alone with my wife! It's too much pressure! Well, nothing's ever gonna change if Congress isn't willing to compromise.
- Exactly my point.
- A wall would solve this.
I wake up with an erection, but never when she's in the bed with me! A wall would solve nothing.
These children have rights.
I spent three grand on a Sandals vacation, thinking that might do it! Know what it was? Me being limp on a lazy river! Well, that's all the time we have.
- Thank you to Peter Griffin - No! Don't send me home to my wife! Democrats.
That's why we went to Sandals? Dad, did you hear what I said? Sorry, Meg, I got to go to work.
What? You're still gonna work for that man - after he assaulted me? - (DOOR CLOSES) Meg, you got to stop with these stories.
People hate a liar.
Just like closed captioning stenographers hated the Sleepy Hollow guy for some reason.
Did he carry a broadax? The mark on his hand Was it a bow? Oh, no.
No, no, no, it can't be.
When I cut off his head.
Okay, I'll take your questions.
Me With A Fake Mustache.
America wants to know what you're packin' up there.
I've heard 11 inches.
True? All right, that's enough from you.
Me With A Funny Hat.
I also have heard 11 inches.
Okay, any non-11-inch questions? Me With An Old-Timey Wig.
I've heard four handbreadths.
Mr.
President, the press briefing went very well.
Many people are saying it was the best press briefing in all of history.
Mr.
Griffin, you're not speaking to President Trump.
That's a butternut squash.
Oh.
Well, if this lumpy orange garbage vegetable is here, then where's President Donald Trump? Mr.
President, please, I'm not interested.
You'll regret this.
(SPEAKS HUTTESE) (CACKLING) Oh, my God.
Bob's Burgers is on! This show speaks to us young people, apparently.
That show and-and I mean no disrespect when I say this But that show looks like it was animated in a moving car.
And again, no disrespect, wonderful people over there.
But oh, my God, President Trump is assaulting Meg, I can't believe what I just saw, Mr.
President! What would your third wife, the soft-core girl-on-girl porn lady, think about this? Or the actual porn star your lawyer paid hush money to? I'm so sorry we didn't believe you earlier, sweetie.
Yeah, where do you get off behaving like this? - Why shouldn't I? You do.
- What? When you walked through that door, you insulted Bob's Burgers and the hundreds of people who work there.
Well, I was just kidding around.
No, you weren't.
You're just jealous 'cause it wins all the Emmys and the kids love it.
You seem to know a lot about Bob's Burgers.
Of course I do.
Bob's Burgers is my favorite animated show.
Wow.
There's your headline, Emmy voters.
Vote your conscience.
Anyway, my point is, if Peter Griffin gets to be a jerk all the time, then why can't Donald Trump? Huh.
That is not the dumbest thing you've ever said.
So are we square? No.
No, President Trump, we are not! I quit! - What? - That's right.
And you know what else? My days of being mean and insulting are over! From here on out, I'm gonna be the nice, kind Peter Griffin.
You can't walk out on me.
I'm the president.
Well, you're not a very good one.
Like that guy.
Or-or that one.
Or that one.
Hey, which one is that, anyway? I'm Grover Cleveland, the only president to be married in the White House.
Oh, what a nice story.
It's a great story.
I married a girl who I'd raised since the time she was 11 years old.
Oh.
Well, that guy's not getting a musical.
We now return to Pirates of the Caribbean, where the sound guy put the microphone too close to Johnny Depp's jangling bracelets.
- (BRACELETS JANGLING) - Hold it right there, Sparrow.
This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.
- What?! - I said - (JANGLING CONTINUES) - I've spent $65 million on vacation homes and daytime wine.
(JANGLING) All right, turn off that cheap celebrity slam.
The Griffins are gonna be better than that now.
- What? - You heard me.
We are done being mean and insulting, like Donald Trump is.
From now on, this family's gonna be nice and supportive.
Oh.
So if we're being nice now, maybe you have nice things to say to me, Dad.
Uh of course I do.
Your hair is, um very hat.
You're a hat owner.
You're also hatted.
Why does he keep coming back to the hat? Peter, stop.
Your nipples are bleeding.
All right, fine, I'm not a nice person.
I'm sick of complimenting your hat! I knew that fat man couldn't keep this up.
He always buckles under pressure.
Yeah, you're right.
Like at that Billy Joel concert.
(PLAYING "PRESSURE") Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Uptown girl! PETER: Trump! Who are you? I have dementia.
Peter Griffin.
Look, you were right.
I can be insulting sometimes, I admit it.
But so what? I'm just a guy from Rhode Island.
You' the President of the United States! You're not just a guy from Rhode Island.
You're Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
Many children have learned their favorite Jewish, black and gay jokes by watching your show over the years.
In fairness, we've been trying to phase out the gay stuff.
But you know what? We're a cartoon.
You can turn us off.
You're the president.
We can't turn you off.
And you're on, like, all the time! Yes, tremendous ratings.
Our Leslie Nielsen ratings are the highest in history.
Surely you can't be serious.
I am serious.
And don't call me Leslie.
Argh You really do find a way to screw everything up.
If I screwed up so bad, how come I'm a billionaire? Billionaire? Please.
You're worth $700 mil on the high side.
And most of that is borrowed or tied up and underwater.
That's why you ain't releasin' your taxes, Trump.
You're cash poor! Say that again.
I dare you.
You are cash poor.
(GRUNTING) (YELLING) (GRUNTS) Peter! Catch! Kill him in front of me, and I sex you.
Yah! (GRUNTING) (PETER AND TRUMP GRUNTING) Yah! (PANTING) (YELLING) (PETER PANTING) Aah! (YELLS) Yah! (BUZZING) (REPEATED BUZZING) MALE REPORTER: Sarah, any update? I haven't had the chance to ask the president if he is fighting with Peter Griffin.
Oh! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) - Yah! - Yah! - (ZAPPING) - (SCREAMING) (GASPING) (YELLING) (CHEERING) I wrote that one.
Why are we so damn divided, America? (GRUNTING) (OVER HEADPHONES): making Neil Armstrong the first man to walk on the Moon.
Who knows, maybe someone listening to this might be the first chicken to walk on the Moon.
(PEOPLE GASP) I got a sillier plane.
(YELLING) (YELPING, GRUNTING) (BOTH YELL) (GRUNTING) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Peter! Grab my hand! (GRUNTING) I can't! It's too little! (METALLIC CREAKING) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) (LOUD DEFLATING) Wha? Who who put this here? MAN (CHUCKLES): I did.
Sure hope that's okay.
("O CANADA" PLAYING)" (GASPS) Justin Trudeau? The hunky prime minister of Canada? He's not that hunky.
Very weak borders.
I was just kayakin' past, and it looked like you guys could use some help.
- Everything okay? - No, yeah, we're good.
He touched my daughter, but I punched him, like, a hundred times, so we're fine now.
I punched you, like, a million times.
I punched you infinity times.
I punched you infinity plus one times.
- Damn it! - Right on! Well, then, I'll just go do some awesome Canada stuff.
Hey, call me if you ever need help movin'.
(GEESE HONKING) Trudeau, away! That guy's the best.
You know who's really the best? Putin.
Putin's the best.
Yes, he is.
Putin is the best.
Ha! I write this part.
Am I not to be a stinker? Bye-bye, American situation comedy with drawings.
I'm glad we're back in Quahog.
And just in time to see my appearance on Jeopardy! - Peter? - What is it like to have an erection? I'm sorry, we were looking for "the electromagnetic spectrum.
" Betty, still your board.
I was not included in the final round.
I'll tell you one thing, I'm not gonna miss Washington, D.
C.
Well, we had a lot of fun this week and changed zero minds.
If you want to learn more about our president, consult the steele dossier, which is all about getting peed on.
He also, with whole heart and full throat, endorsed a pedophile for the United States Senate.
That didn't fit into tonight's narrative, but should not be forgotten.
And I am a proud hat owner.
Shut up, Meg.
From our family to yours, we're very frightened.