Family Guy s17e13 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (SINGSONGY): Stone fruit season! Now, those are what my granddaddy called "proposin' peaches.
" Don't be shy, now.
Dig in.
(LOUD SLURPING) (LAUGHING) Whoa-ho! Here I go.
(LOUD SLURPING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Don't you do it.
Don't you go to the gross side.
It's out of my control.
They're too juicy.
We exchanged a look earlier.
We have a grossed-out, no-fun alliance.
(SLURPING) So, you guys like peaches, huh? - Yeah.
- Hold on.
I need a large pane of glass.
Well, I got her phone number.
How do you like them peaches? "888-LAP-BAND"? Covered by most insurance.
Guys, check it out.
In honor of opening day at Fenway Park this weekend, the Red Sox are offering four tickets behind home plate to the person who makes the best Red Sox ad.
- Oh - My - Freaking - (FARTS) Guys, winning those seats is our highest priority.
Even higher than my dream of winning socks-on karate.
(GRUNTS) Point! Winner! - Ow! - Ow! Ah, this is the life.
- Thanks, Peter.
- I still can't believe you won by filming yourself pooping in a Yankees helmet.
I am not a subtle filmmaker, and my audience wouldn't have it any other way.
Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of? They ran out of those mini batting helmets, so they're serving it in athletic cups.
Did you buy that from a certified vendor? He wasn't behind the counter, but he had a blue shirt on.
I think somebody might be having a little fun with you.
Yeah, come to think of it, he did have a friend filming, and he made me eat the first seven bites in front of him, and he didn't charge me anything.
Do you, uh do you want this? I'll take a bite.
Four beers, please.
Anything else, fellas? PETER: Uh, yeah, I'll have a beer.
Anyone else want another? PETER: Yeah, why not? - Quagmire? - QUAGMIRE: I'm good.
PETER: I'm good with one more.
- Cleveland? - I'm fine.
PETER (SLURRING): Yeah, I'm fine with one more, too.
I-I'm gonna take it with me to the can.
All right, now to have the only exciting thing in the game happen as soon as I turn my back.
(CHEERING) (CHEERING, WHISTLING) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (CHEERING STARTING AND STOPPING) (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Hey, buddy, that's just a break in the line so people can pass through.
End of the line's that way.
Yeah, it's all the way to that guy with the scorebook just waiting for someone to talk to.
Don't get used to Benintendi's two-strike hitting.
His history will tell you it's not a sustainable pace for an everyday outfielder.
Aw, screw that.
I'm using the ladies' room.
How bad could it be? (PETER SCREAMS) I saw a mouse.
Buddy, if you really gotta go, you can use that one.
A bathroom for Prince? I can't use that.
I'm not Prince.
(CHUCKLES): It's not for Prince.
Space Cats? I'm not a Space Cat.
Sir, I can assure you there's no such thing as Space Cats.
Now, can you direct me to Earth's reserve of yarn? Aw, screw this.
Excuse me, ma'am, could you direct me to Earth's reserve of near-empty tuna tins? Are you a Space Cat? - He's been made.
- We've got to call him back.
(BEEP) Psst, psst.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Psst, psst.
(CLICKING TONGUE) Guys! I found the best toilet in the whole place.
- Next time - Peter! You're on the jumbotron! - (GASPS) Where? - Right there! - (GASPS) Here? - There, Peter, there! (GASPS) Here? Yes? It's right in front of you, Peter! - (GASPS) Right here? - CLEVELAND AND QUAGMIRE: No! - Oh, over here? - Damn it, Peter, you're gonna miss it! (GASPS) Is-is this is this it? (GASPS) Aha! Where? (CHUCKLES) Guys, look! I'm on the jumbotron! ANNOUNCER (OVER P.
A.
): Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Boston welcome to Peter Griffin, the fist transgender Red Sox fan.
Peter, you used the transgender bathroom, so now everyone thinks you're transgender.
Cleveland, what are you eating your Cracker Jacks out of? Oh, the guy said they were out of regular boxes, - so he gave me this box.
- What did he look like? Like this.
Hey, that's the ice cream guy! I got a handful, too, Peter.
You want to see who can finish faster? You're on! It looks like we've got ourselves a good old-fashioned Cracker Jack off.
Good morning, Peter.
We saw the game last night, and, well, we just want you to know that we wholeheartedly support all transgender people.
- But I'm not - Peter, before you say anything that might clear all this up, let me tell you about our stellar transgender employee benefit package.
Benefits? I'm trans-listening.
Well, as such, you're entitled to supplemental time off, our on-site masseuse and a $60 gift card from Nordstrom Rack.
- Nordstrom?! - Rack.
- Yeah, but Nordstrom! - Yes, I understand.
But it's just Rack.
Well, in the words of trailblazer Caitlyn Jenner, "I will do anything for money and attention.
" So brave.
Great.
We'll send the paperwork down to your office.
Well, better use the men's room one last time.
Lot of history in there.
You.
And you, the Hungry Hungry Hippo.
You'd always swallow it before I could see what I did.
And one last look at my crack imprint on the walk of fame.
God, I remember that day.
I would find out later that when you put your ass in wet cement, you're just sealing it shut forever.
Best they could do was poke holes in it so it comes out like Play-Doh spaghetti.
Anyway, that's the first act.
Peter, pretending to be transgender to get time off work trivializes a real struggle in this country.
Did the did the Space Cats get to you? I don't know what that is, but you got to knock this off.
And direct me to Earth's reserve of sun-dappled window seats.
Lois is right, Peter.
Besides the fact that you're lying to your employers, you're taking advantage of a civil liberty that so many oppressed people have fought their entire lives for.
Shut your mouth, Brian.
I'm part of a movement.
Hey, what is "transgender," anyway? Is that the stuff in potato chips that makes your bum go bam? (GROANS) It-It's pointless arguing with you.
Cool.
Now, in order to pull this off, I'm gonna have to look the part.
Lois, which dress may I borrow? None.
My closet is off-limits.
Fine.
There's got to be something in the attic.
I can't even begin to describe the density of illness I feel in my bone marrow right now.
That is-that is how appalled I am by this.
- Other guys? - Sorry, Peter.
I don't see you getting away with this one.
Look, Peter, the good news is you still fit in your wife's wedding gown.
Not every guy can say that.
It's actually Meg's.
She commits murders in it.
What's this, now? That's just it, Peter this whole thing is a joke to you.
Are you forgetting I have a dad who's a woman? No, of course not.
That's the first thing everyone thinks of when they see you.
But Th-this isn't like that.
And I thought you guys would support me.
Like we all supported Joe on that road trip.
- Boy, I am stuffed.
- Oh, I forgot to mention, one of you guys has to be in charge of changing my diaper the whole trip.
Why don't we all just switch off? Oh, there will be other jobs for other people.
Okay, I guess we should, like, draw straws or something.
Actually, I've been observing all of you for the past few hours, and I choose Quagmire.
- What?! Why me? - You've got long fingers.
And I feel like you wouldn't crack if things start to go south.
(SIGHS) Fine.
How do I know when it's time? Well, I'll turn to you, very sincerely, and I'll look you right in your eyes, and I'll say, "Quagmire, I've got poopies.
" Ugh.
Now, Quagmire, I've - You got poopies.
I know.
- No! You're supposed to let me say it! Quagmire I've got poopies.
- Dad! - Dad! How goes the transition, Mr.
Griffin? Like Huma Abedin, I'm trying to forget about my Weiner.
Whoa, we're doing Cheers, not Frasier.
- (SIGHS HEAVILY) - Tough day, Dad? I don't get it.
How does Rebel Wilson always look so fetching? - Does she, though? - You could be, too, if you just let your hair down a little.
Now you just take that beautiful hair down to the salon, and you'll be a ten.
On a scale of a billion? Thanks, Chris.
Thanks for helping me at 11:30 on a school day.
There was a shooting.
(INTRO TO DAVID BOWIE'S "QUEEN BITCH" PLAYS) She's an old-time ambassador Of sweet-talking, night-walking games But she's a queen and such are queens That your laughter is sucked in their brains.
I'll take 'em all.
Well, hello.
- Where you going, Dad? - Out.
Now that I'm living as a woman, I can say whatever I want to men and they can't hit me.
Oh, hey, Peter.
Sully could've made it to an airport.
Hey, you shut your mouth! That man is a hero! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Woman.
(SIGHS) Well, it's definitely true that I respect the boundaries of women.
Oh, hey, Sherry, uh, just-just get in the fireplace.
I'll-I'll spit down the chimney.
Hey, Joe.
How's the suspension going? When you get married, you don't think you'll be home together all day.
It's, uh trying.
BONNIE: Who's at the door? (JOE INHALES DEEPLY THROUGH NOSE) (YELLING): It's my friend! So, what's up, Peter? I just wanted to tell you that I'm the one who planted the evidence that got you suspended.
What?! I'm gonna kill you! Ah, ah, ah! Woman.
Oh, right.
BONNIE: Joe, close the door.
You're letting the bugs in.
Is your daughter still killing people? She is.
Hey, Chris Brown.
I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan of your music.
(LOUD SMACK) This is just gonna make me listen more.
Oh, hey, Ray Rice.
Would you mind pressing "lobby"? What do you got, potatoes in your ears? I said press "lobby"! Now, Peter, one of the perks of being a woman is that you get to go out and have a white wine, squeak-fart lunch with your friends.
Did you hear Diane's husband left her? (HIGH-PITCHED, SQUEAKY FART) Yeah, you could tell from the wedding - they were not gonna last.
- (HIGH-PITCHED, SQUEAKY FART) Oh, it's a shame.
And they have two kids! (HIGH-PITCHED, SQUEAKY FART) Marriage is hard.
(LOUD, WET FART) Those machines in the ladies' room don't vend pants, do they? Don't let 'em take my salad.
I'm still working on it.
This is so great.
Now that I'm a woman, I can lean-dance into anyone's karaoke song.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye Yeah! It's a work night! - (WHOOPS) - Hey, come on.
Get out of here.
You're ruining my birthday party.
Your skin makes me cry Sing Justin Timberlake! Come on! I waited an hour and a half for this! And, hey, get off that bar! Why? Because you're at Lowfan O'Reilly's.
(GROANS) All right, where am I on the screen? Oh.
"Float like a feather in a beautiful world.
" Dah, dah, dah.
Okay.
Flippin' special But I'm a creep What? What happened? Ah, I knew you'd catch it.
I'm parting my hair on the other side now.
Oh, Peter, thank God you're okay.
Hello, bosses and not my family.
You really gave us a scare there.
Oh, what do you mean? Well, you went into a coma after you were hit in the head by a fan.
Oh, it was funny.
- And then it wasn't.
- A coma? Well, I feel tomato now, beige spots.
And since the company was paying for your medical care anyway, we fulfilled your letter of medical intent for your sex reassignment surgery.
- What? - She's saying that your surgery to become a woman was a complete success.
It's much easier going that way, believe me.
Just a chop and a mop.
Congratulations, Peter.
You're officially a woman.
No! That is one nutty hospital.
Peter, I'm sorry this happened, but it's your own fault.
You should never have pretended to be someone else.
That's right, but now that it's done, maybe I can help you with the transition.
You know, I've always been a great supporter of the LGBLT - Nope.
- LGTE.
- No.
- GED.
- Unrelated.
- L.
I.
E.
- The Long Island Expressway? - NKOTB? - The wrong stuff, Brian.
- WNBA? Yes.
Yes, WNBA.
Mom, you know, our world today is filled with people like Dad trying to find their identities.
Whether it's cutters, or people who cut themselves, or people who drag knives across their thighs to feel something.
(SIGHS) You're right, Meg.
I guess we'll just have to deal with this, like when Chris won that hundred-dollar scratcher and talked down to everybody.
Your house is so cozy, Joe.
Wish I could get by with just two bathrooms.
Technically, one and a half.
Leave us alone.
I said, "Leave us alone," but deep down, I respected and even desired Chris for his success.
It would take another eight years before I summoned the courage to kiss him at a backyard barbecue, and from that moment on JOE: Bonnie! Bonnie! I've got poopies.
Thank you for showing me the 90 things women have to do before going to bed.
Okay, now quick break to cry for no reason.
Can we do one last judgmental scroll through Facebook first? Of course.
Congratulations, you went to a dance club.
You know, Peter, if I didn't know better, I'd say you'd been a woman for years.
Now we just drift off to sleep, thinking about Rick from Midas Muffler.
I probably won't be able to sleep 'cause I had two sips of tea at 3:30 this afternoon.
That's okay, Peter.
You can just read on an impossibly bright iPad while I toss and turn in a pissy way.
(LOIS GROANS) You almost done with the chapter? Oh, there's no chapters.
It's a Clifford book.
Thank you, young man.
Hey, now that we're all settled at this table, you guys want to move outside 'cause it's such a nice day? Okay, why don't you go save us a table outside, and we'll be there soon? (CROWD CHATTER) Taken.
Sorry.
You know, it's fun back here.
You don't even know you're in Quahog.
Please don't talk to us.
You're too fat.
(HIGH-PITCHED, SQUEAKY FART) You want me to start a new tab for you? No, you can just keep ours going.
Your friends left the minute you came out here, and they didn't pay their indoor tab.
I feel so alone.
And that bitch stole my hairstyles! Well, hello.
PETER: That's what he said to me! IDA: Peter? - Ida? - Come, sit.
Well, look at you.
Yeah, look at me.
- What's wrong? - It's a long story.
Yeah, I've heard.
Peter, everything is gonna be okay.
I promise.
O-Okay.
Now, I'm going to tell you a story.
When I first met you, Peter, I was already at the end of a long journey to find the courage to become a woman.
But before that, I lived for 61 years as a miserable, miserable man.
I grew up in the small town of Football, Texas, and from the age of eight, I was mercilessly teased for being different and "dressing funny.
" Then, at the age of 14, I had an epiphany.
It was so clear.
I was a girl trapped in a boy's body.
I'm having a hard time focusing without a drink, but go on.
It took me 47 years from that day to officially own who I am.
Is there a waiter or? In those 47 years, I became an expert at hiding my secret.
I became a war hero and raised a family, but I was dying inside, and the deeper I buried it, the more unhappy I became, and eventually, I even thought of ending my own life.
But I couldn't do that to Glenn.
(SNIFFLES) I had no idea.
It's clear you had no idea.
You know nothing about what it means to feel this struggle.
Yeah, you're right.
I kind of stumbled into all this, but you've been dealing with it your whole life.
Yes, I have.
And my story, to one degree or another, is every transgender person's story, and all those stories are the price of admission to finally feeling at peace with who you are A price you never paid.
Ah, I'm so sorry, Ida.
I feel really awful, and I'm a really bad person for what I did.
I deserve what happened to me.
Touching story, other people humans.
Now, could you direct me to Earth's reserve of other dog butts? That's right, that's right.
Everybody natural.
Peter, listen to me.
You were a bad person.
But now you've taken a journey.
It just took becoming a woman to make you a better man.
But I'll never be that better man.
I can't afford the surgery to go back.
I think I might be able to help you with that, Peter.
- Really? - Yes.
I've got an idea.
What a day.
Oh, Peter, you started a Kickstarter.
Not exactly.
BRIAN: Oh, that's that's not a "K.
" Look at that.
You're up to six inches.
That's two inches past your goal.
It's not important what the goal was.
What's important is this community cares.
Congratulations, Mr.
Griffin.
Your surgery was a success.
You're a man again.
Sully was a hero! Well, I'm glad everything's back to normal.
I'll say.
Dad, you lost a wiener but came out a winner.
(GIGGLES) Well, that does it for our crossover episode.
Thanks for coming, cast of Bob's Burgers.
We didn't get to do anything.
Show's 22 minutes long.
Not everything makes it to air.
But, hey, you have the floor if there's something hilarious you want to say.
I'll just sit here and be quiet.
Give us two Emmys worth of amazing.
Maybe a funny burger name? No? Girl in the bunny ears? Boy, I love it when characters are expressed by props.
I kind of feel like this is less of a crossover and more of a roast.
No, a roast is good-natured.