Family Guy s17e16 Episode Script

1 It's pretty cool we got our own mural, huh? Eh, don't get too excited.
You know who else has one? - The Ox-Bow Incident.
- What is that? Set in Bridger's Wells, Nevada in 1885, The Ox-Bow Incident is a tale of cowboys, cattle and conflict.
PATRICK CLARK (OVER SPEAKER): If you guys could just take a seat.
Okay, here we go.
It seems today that all you see PETER: Okay, welcome to Family Guy DVD commentary for episode 1614.
I'm Peter Griffin, joined by my wife Lois, our dog Brian, and our children, Meg, Stewie and Chris.
BRIAN: And for you kids out there, DVDs were plastic discs STEWIE: I-I got this, Brian.
Have you ever been at your grandmother's house and you look at her weird, old computer, and there's, like, a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.
PETER: Oh, and animation producer Shannon Smith is here, too.
SHANNON: Glad to be here.
This is actually PETER: Oh, wait, wait.
Look, look.
Lot of people don't know this, but that house is actually in Burbank.
People keep stealing their mailbox.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): We now return to "Winona Ryder Distracting from Other Speeches in History.
" Four score and seven years ago PETER: Wow, yeah, yeah, I remember this.
Winona Ryder kind of hung out on set all day, and it, uh, wore a little thin on all of us.
STEWIE: Yeah, I actually had to close a door on her at one point.
LOIS: I-I just remember she stole a ton of LUNA Bars from the office kitchen.
Like-like, filled a whole duffel bag.
Great news, everyone.
The new smartphone from Crabapple is out.
The new Crabapple phone? Awesome! LOIS: Yeah, the network doesn't like us using the names of actual companies on the show.
PETER: It's not so bad, though.
We can still say Burger Kong, McDarrel's, Kooka Cola, Pipsi, Chevrolump and all the big ones.
I want to be the first to get the new phone.
I don't care if it takes all day.
Don't you have work? Eh, I wouldn't mind missing work.
There's a secretary looking for reassurance about her overly short haircut.
I saw it in a magazine.
I needed a fresh start.
Stop pretending to stare at your phones, and just say you hate it.
Sir, I am trying to read.
STEWIE: Ah, the writer credits have begun.
I'm gonna give personal facts about each of the names that pops up.
Mom, will you tie my shoes? STEWIE: Smokes on the no-smoking balcony.
Weird church guy.
Instagrams cowboy hats at 3:00 a.
m.
Pushed his wife at a party.
Oh, my God, Cherry's the best.
We love her.
Hi, Cherry.
We love you.
Kids, time to gather up our old cords and chargers that no longer work and throw them in the garbage.
We can't do that.
Don't you know a lot of discarded electronics end up in the ocean and kill sea turtles? Well, then let's cut out the middleman.
(GRUNTING) I'm sorry.
There's a new phone.
PETER: That was cool.
I got to go to Fiji for that.
They got a ton of turtles there.
You can kill 'em, nobody cares.
MEG: Oh my gosh.
I just got it.
Crab-apple.
STEWIE: Take a lap, Meg.
Think about what you said.
Hey.
Gold phone is mine.
Already match fingernail.
CHRIS: Oh, this is where I fight that woman for the phone.
I was here first! That's mine! BRIAN: You know, I actually had a couple of ad-libs about Chinese working conditions that somehow didn't make it into the final cut.
STEWIE: All you said was, "Children make iPhones.
" This is a comedy show, not Mark Ruffalo's Twitter.
She wanted it more than me.
(CHRIS LAUGHING LOUDLY) STEWIE: Take it easy, huh? Peter, I'm just not sure it's such a great idea that everyone in the family got a new cell phone.
CHRIS: Is that my bottle of water? BRIAN: Wh-What? CHRIS: That open bottle Is that yours or mine? BRIAN: I-I I don't know.
Maybe yours? CHRIS: This is why we need a Sharpie in here to put our names on our water! BRIAN: Geez, Chris.
What the hell? STEWIE: Chris, relax.
Have a Pipsi.
Good morning, everybod Damn it! She's just gonna keep it like that for the next three years.
LOIS: You know, there's truth to that.
You-you can tell a lot about a person whose cell phone screen is cracked.
Like-like, if they're a girl, they definitely celebrate their birth week.
PETER: Oh, yeah.
Just trash.
Damn it, those phones have turned you all into mindless drones.
I knew this would happen.
Getting those things was a worse idea than MEG: You know, for an extra $12 a month, you can insure your screen, and they'll replace it for free.
PETER (SIGHS): Nice going, Meg.
You talked over the setup of this cutaway, and now we don't know what's going on.
BRIAN: Looks like Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea and Madonna are robbing a bank.
CHRIS: Um they're butt bandits? STEWIE: "Ocean's 36-24-49?" LOIS: Oh, I remember.
They're all skanks.
"Getting new phones was a worse idea than a skank robbery.
" - CHRIS: Oh, yeah.
- PETER: Right, skank robbery.
STEWIE: I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Today's sermon is about perseverance.
When I was run out of Boston by the Spotlight team, - I could've hung up my collar.
- (CELL PHONE BUTTONS CLICKING) Oh, my God.
Again? You guys have got to put those away.
You can't be on your phones in here.
Relax, Lois.
It's just stupid, boring church.
Not like we're gonna miss anything.
But instead, I packed my Bibles and my Tootsie Pops and headed down to Quahog.
With a renewed sense of spirit and a renewed reverence for Jesus Christ? (GRUNTS) PATRICK: Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Danny the intern is here with your paychecks.
LOIS: Oh, thanks, Danny.
DANNY: Hey, Chris, here's your paycheck.
CHRIS: Yeah, that gets forwarded right to DraftKings.
What's going on in there, Ollie? - He came back! - How is he? - Mad! - Thanks, Ollie.
LOIS: H-Hold on, Danny, it looks like you accidentally gave me Peter's check.
Wait.
What the hell? This number is four times what I make.
Peter, you always said you made the same as me.
(PAPER RUSTLING) PETER: I'm sorry, Lois.
I couldn't hear you over Meg's Snickers wrapper.
- What's this, now? - I can't believe this, Peter.
Y-You lied to me.
Let's get out of here, other altar boys.
LOIS: This is bull crap.
I'm calling Fox or Disney payroll right now.
(PHONE DIALING, LINE RINGING) WOMAN (ON PHONE): Fox or Disney payroll.
- Yeah, hi.
This is Lois Griff - WOMAN: Please hold.
(THEME FROM THE SIMPSONS PLAYS) LOIS (SCOFFS): Of course.
Yeah, Mom, that's not fair.
Meg is right.
That's not fair.
WOMAN (RECORDED): Thank you for continuing to hold.
Turn my family into brain-dead robots.
In fact, you know what? We're finally going to Old Sturbridge Village.
WOMAN (RECORDED): Thank you for continuing to hold.
See what life was like before all these screens.
A place where people farm their own food, make their own clothing and read books WOMAN (RECORDED): Thank you for continuing to hold.
Oh, come on, Lois, you only want to go to Old Sturbridge Village 'cause you once got hand-blasted there on a field trip.
Yes, let's just say the candles weren't the only thing being hot-dipped.
STEWIE: You see, Brian? That's how you do an ad-lib.
Went right in.
WOMAN (ON PHONE): Thanks for holding.
How may I help you, Mrs.
Griffin? LOIS: Yeah, I'll tell you how.
You can explain to me why my husband makes four times as much money as I do.
WOMAN: Oh, um okay, this is awkward.
But I I, um I assumed you knew.
Mr.
Griffin was able to negotiate a higher salary because he's still paying alimony to his first wife.
LOIS: "First wife"? What? Peter, you were married before? SHANNON: We actually freelance all our explosion animation.
STEWIE: Who are you again? - I-I'm Shannon Smith.
- STEWIE: Shannon.
Take a lap.
Never go to church.
How come you never told me you were married before? PETER: I don't know.
Just never came up.
LOIS: Never came up?! Well, who was she? - PETER: Sarah Paulson.
- MEG: Who? LOIS: Wait, isn't she that actress who's always biting her lip? PETER: Her very full lip.
CHRIS: I honestly have no idea who they're talking about.
BRIAN: Come on, Sarah Paulson's been in a lot of stuff, Chris.
CHRIS: Okay, pulled her up on my phone.
Looks vaguely familiar.
But I would legitimately suggest that people pause this right now and Google her.
MEG: Wait.
Wasn't Sarah Paulson a guest star in this exact episode? PETER: Yeah, in fact, she was in this O.
J.
gag.
Ah, look, Predator just cut her head off.
Not for real, though.
For real, she's actually coming into the booth right now to be part of this commentary.
SARAH PAULSON: Hi, everybody.
So sorry I'm late.
I was stuck in the canyon.
STEWIE: Is is that a euphemism for lesbian sex? SARAH: I don't think I've met everyone.
I'm Sarah.
LOIS: I understand you and Peter used to be married.
SARAH: Oh, that.
Feels like ancient history.
CHRIS: I like your shoulder blades, Miss Paulson.
They're very jutty.
BRIAN: Have a seat, Sarah.
Shall I explain what we're doing here? SARAH: That's okay.
It seems just like when I would do ADR for American Horror Story, for which I have received five Emmy nominations.
LOIS: Well, some of us have awards, some of us have children.
SARAH: What's that supposed to mean? LOIS: Well, I don't know.
You're the smart award winner.
You figure it out.
Because this is a godless show.
All right, I'll do it.
I'll pretend to be sick to get out of going to Old Sturbridge Village.
Mm, still 126.
Oh, I wish you were feeling well enough to come.
Maybe I should stay home and take care of you.
No.
Go, Lois.
Go watch dead-eyed pale women make bread.
SARAH: So, Lois, what will you be wearing to the Emmys this year? LOIS: I think you know I won't be there.
STEWIE: I won a surfboard at the Teen Choice Awards.
I left it in the kitchen at work, hoping someone would take it.
No one did.
Eat a meatball sub and watch football all day.
Man, this is an even better scam than Ferris Bueller's Day On.
Okay, I need you to file these and not be working with a shampoo Mohawk.
LOIS: So, Sarah, I-I guess you chose not to take Peter's name, huh? Decided to stick with "Paulson"? SARAH: Yeah, his name just felt kind of, I don't know, rough, you know? (GRUNTING): "Griffin.
" (CHUCKLING): Right? Just sounds kind of brutish and low-class.
I also won an Emmy for my performance as Marcia Clark in The People vs.
O.
J.
Simpson.
LOIS: You won an Emmy for wearing a wig.
Peter, may I speak with you outside? PETER: Oh, boy.
(GRUNTS) Uh-oh.
I think I'm stuck.
STEWIE: Oh, right, this is where the fat man got stuck in the banister slats.
BRIAN: Stewie, I'm gonna give you another crack at that, because I believe what you meant to call them was "baluster slats," not "banister slats.
" STEWIE: "Banister," "baluster.
" Same thing.
BRIAN (CHUCKLES): Stewie, "banister" and "baluster" are hardly the same things.
A banister is the handrail that sits atop the upright supports.
A baluster is the supporting structure itself.
- SARAH: Is this my water? - CHRIS: No, it is not! STEWIE: Brian, I've heard people say "banister slats.
" BRIAN: Well, those people, like you, would be incorrect.
STEWIE: So, the baluster is that big, round thing at the bottom of the stairs - where the staircase begins? - BRIAN: "Big, round thing"? (CHUCKLING): You're you're just guessing stuff now.
I believe what you're referring to is a newel post.
CHRIS: Mom and Dad are still out there arguing.
Shouldn't they be in here? SHANNON: I'll get 'em.
CHRIS: Wasn't Shannon, like, a P.
A.
here once? STEWIE: Shut your mouth.
Shannon's the only professional in this building.
PETER: friends were getting married.
- LOIS: How could I not know this?! - SHANNON: Hey, guys? We have to deliver this episode to the network today.
(PETER AND LOIS SIGH) SARAH: Oh, you guys are back just in time for my big role.
LOIS: Hey, take it down a notch, Sarah.
You don't even have an entry on the Family Guy wiki.
Even Gronk's dad has one.
Welcome to Old Sturbridge Village, everyone.
Here's a fun fact.
In colonial times, butter and soap were the same thing.
I get that it's a fact, but how is it fun? (CHRIS LAUGHING LOUDLY) CHRIS: Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) How the hell am I gonna get out of this? PETER: Shh.
Nobody talk for the next minute.
I'm about to sing my big song.
LOIS: Oh, go to hell, Peter.
It's no use.
I guess I'm just stuck halfway down the stairs.
(GENTLE PIANO MELODY PLAYING) Halfway down the stairs Is a stair where I sit There isn't any other stair Quite like it LOIS: What the hell is this? PETER: I'll tell you what it is: an homage to a classic song from The Muppet Show, sung by Kermit's nephew, Robin.
LOIS: I guarantee nobody got that.
SARAH: I know this song.
LOIS: Oh, shut up, Sarah! Where I always stop Halfway up the stairs LOIS: I don't believe this.
You're just singing the same song a frog sang.
How the hell was this not cut from the show? PETER: I kind of insisted they keep it.
I actually laid in my parking space as a protest until they gave in.
And all sorts of funny thoughts run LOIS: This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
CHRIS: Um, are they setting up a buffet lunch for us after this? STEWIE: No, I think it's just pizza.
PETER: Can we please just listen to the song? Halfway down the stairs Is a stair where I sit There isn't any other stair Quite like it I'm not at the bottom I'm not at the top LOIS: Are there even any jokes in the song? PETER: Do you not understand comedy? It's a reference.
The joke is I'm singing it.
LOIS: Sorry to break it to you that's not a joke.
PETER: Damn it, now it's over.
Thanks a lot, Lois.
You completely ruined it.
LOIS: You better not take that tone with me, 'cause this has been one hell of a day.
First, I find out you make four times what I do.
Then I find out you were married before? I mean, what else don't I know? PETER (SIGHS): Well, if we're being honest, Lois, you're really bad at having sex when I'm drunk.
It's like you don't even enjoy it.
LOIS: You're impossible! Do not speak to the wicked.
Throw heads of cabbage at him.
Damn it, Peter, this is all your fault.
STEWIE: They're not even going to explain how we all got stuck? (SIGHS) Season 16, ladies and gentlemen.
Suddenly, the family is stuck in the banister slats.
BRIAN: Baluster.
STEWIE: Brian, seriously, (BLEEP).
I can get us out of here.
I'm good at figuring things out.
Like when I figured out the secret of business: pointing at stuff during meetings.
LOIS: Peter, there's something you don't know.
Chris might not even be your son.
PETER: What? LOIS: I once slept with Philip Seymour Hoffman.
CHRIS: You what? SHANNON: These montage-style cutaway gags provide the animators the freedom to go "beyond the page," as we say.
PETER: You slept with Philip Seymour Hoffman? LOIS (LAUGHING): I sure did.
It was in his trailer during that tornado chasing movie.
And all I know is, nine months later, Chris is born.
CHRIS: Yay! I'm a bastard! SARAH: This scene reminds me of the time I was being honored at the Kennedy Center LOIS: Oh, baloney sandwich, Sarah! Baloney sandwich! In fact, you know what?! I'm tired of it, Peter! You're dishonest, you're disrespectful, and, frankly, I deserve better! PETER: So so what are you saying, Lois? LOIS: I'm saying this marriage is over.
Enjoy spending the rest of your life alone, and enjoy doing the show without me, 'cause I quit! (RUSTLING IN BOOTH) building a chair with my male friends.
Yeah, I can't believe SHANNON: Hi.
Shannon Smith again.
You know, if you need a new Lois, I do a pretty good one.
(BAD LOIS IMPERSONATION): Peter! STEWIE: That was sad.
Well, that was unexpected.
Well, I really regret confiscating everyone's phones now.
How the hell are we gonna get out of here? I got no idea, but we're in trouble.
Even more than when we were literally in the game Trouble.
BRIAN: Welcome back to the DVD commentary episode.
If you're just joining us, Lois has stormed out and announced that she's quitting the show after learning that Peter and Sarah Paulson were once married.
MEG: She also said Chris's dad might be Philip Seymour Hoffman.
BRIAN (CHUCKLING): More like See-less Hoffman these days, right? STEWIE: Hey, Patrick, can we edit that out? - PATRICK: Yeah.
- STEWIE: Okay, good, let's do that.
MAN: I don't see it.
Okay, there's also a real rock you can throw through the glass.
MAN: I found the fake one.
Great.
Oh, thank God.
Can you get us out of Man, this is gonna be easier than I thought.
- Wait, you're robbing us? - Sure am.
And apparently, I can take my sweet time.
MEG: Dad, I'm really worried about Mom.
Should we maybe check on her? STEWIE: Or be thinking about a paternity test for Chris? PETER (SIGHS): You're right, Meg.
This is awful.
You think your mother's actually serious about divorcing me and quitting the show? And what was all that stuff about Chris not being my son? That-that can't be true, right? - It's a burglar party! - (LAUGHTER) CHRIS: Hey, remember the one day that guy who plays the burglar was on set, he was passing out postcards for his one-man show? - (CHUCKLING): So tacky.
- STEWIE: I went.
Wasn't bad.
I think I sat next to his girlfriend, 'cause she laughed at everything.
I've got a package for a Brian Griffin.
I'm Brian Griffin.
Great.
Sign here.
- Thanks.
- (DEVICE BEEPS) All right, you guys.
Who's ready to have some fun? (CHEERING, LAUGHING) Hey, Brian, they used your account to buy a karaoke machine.
Halfway down the stairs PETER: And she said no one would know that song.
Well, look.
The burglars know it.
Oh, you're kidding me.
They're doing my song.
There isn't any other stair quite like it PETER: I-I gotta go find your mother, talk some sense back into her.
SETH MACFARLANE: No need, Peter.
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
- Seth MacFarlane.
- PETER: Holy crap.
It's the mouse from Sing.
I'd recognize your voice anywhere.
MACFARLANE: Okay, settle down.
CHRIS: Mr.
MacFarlane (CHUCKLES) what are you doing here? MACFARLANE: I'm actually here to tell you there's no need to talk sense into Lois.
Or for a paternity test.
Or for anyone to leave the show, because none of you are real.
You're all TV characters voiced by me, Alex Borstein, Seth Green and Mila Kunis.
- ALEX: Hey.
- SETH GREEN: Hey, what's up? - MILA: Hi, everybody.
- PETER: Wait.
What? Okay, ha-hang on a second.
If I'm not real, then why does a fat nerd pretend to be me at every Comic-Con? MACFARLANE: Please, please don't mention him.
- It'll only encourage him.
- PETER: And if you're me, then why do you sound like my dog? MACFARLANE: Because I'm also the voice of your dog, Brian.
BRIAN: Wait.
You do my voice, too? MACFARLANE: Yeah, I do your voice.
BRIAN: So, the guy who handles your money, he knows you by voice, right? That's usually just a call.
MEG: Wait a second.
If Dad's not real, then he's not really my dad, which means I'm not real? MILA: That's right, Meg.
You're voiced by me, Mila Kunis.
MEG: Okay, question: Why is the girl who voices me super hot and I'm not? MILA: Aw, that's so sweet.
You know, believe it or not, I've actually had two kids.
CHRIS: Um, Ms.
Kunis, I would just like you to know that I have no problem with you breastfeeding in this booth.
(CHUCKLES) May I ask if you're still producing? MILA: Uh, I, uh no, uh, Chris, I'm-I'm not, uh uh, producing.
CHRIS: What about you, Miss Paulson? Are you producing? SARAH: I can see coming here was a mistake.
CHRIS: Excuse me, Seth Green GREEN: Chris, I'm a man.
I-I can't produce.
CHRIS: Actually, I just wanted to say I enjoy your brilliant work on Robot Chicken.
MACFARLANE: Wait, Seth Green, are you feeding yourself compliments now? GREEN: Well, let's just hear Chris out.
MACFARLANE: Okay, you know what? We're getting off track here.
Like I was saying, none of you actually exists.
STEWIE: Yes, you keep saying that.
Stop telling such horrible lies.
SHANNON: Oh, Seth, since you're here, would you mind recording episodes 17, 14, 15, 16, and an NFL on Fox promo? MACFARLANE: Shannon, take a lap.
- (BOOTH DOOR OPENS) - MEG: Oh, hey, look.
- Mom's back.
- LOIS: Don't get excited.
I forgot my paycheck.
PETER: Lois, you can't leave the show.
LOIS (LAUGHING): Oh, yeah? Why not? PETER: Well, the captain of the Orville says that none of us are real We're all cartoon characters.
LOIS: Not real? What-what the hell are you talking about? ALEX: He's right, Lois.
Uh, my name's Alex Borstein, and I do your voice on the show.
LOIS: Are you saying the rough-edged comedy manager from The Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel does my voice? (LAUGHING): I'm so honored.
I love that show.
You are hilarious.
PETER: Yeah, Seth Green already did this bit.
LOIS: So, you're really saying that we don't exist? Peter, I-I'm not even sure what this means, but it sure makes it seem less important how much money you make compared to me or that maybe you neglected to tell me everything about your past.
PETER: Yeah, none of that stuff matters.
LOIS: You're right, Peter.
I love you, and whatever we share, whether it's real or not, I don't want to give any of it up.
PETER: Me, either.
LOIS: It's safe and familiar here with you.
So let's just bury our troubles and cling to whatever this is.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Philip Seymour Hoffman.
PETER: It's fine.
None of that matters.
MACFARLANE: Look, the truth is Again, this is Seth, not Brian The truth is, you should all be thankful you're animated characters.
Peter, you can drink as much as you want, and nothing bad will ever happen.
Lois, you haven't aged in decades.
Stewie, you get to travel through time and do things no baby could ever do.
And, Brian, you've had sex with more hot women than a real dog could ever reasonably expect.
Meg, I'll admit, you got the shaft.
Your actual life is better than your cartoon life.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need all the real actors to form a human shield around me so I can get out of the building without the American Dad people seeing me.
LOIS: Well, from now on, Peter, - I'm not going any - SARAH: Quiet! My character's talking! LOIS: Honestly, Peter, I don't know how you PETER: I know.
That right there was the main reason we split up.
Wiped out by the German aphid, which was oddly brought by the Swedes during the Great Depression Which, for those of you who are too young, was like a decade-long case of the Mondays.
Well, I'm guessing you folks are from out of town, too.
- (LAUGHTER) - PETER: I never got that joke.
Well, you guys, I guess we all learned something about not letting technology rule our lives.
And, Mom, next time we get baluster slats, let's make sure there's enough room to get our heads out.
(LAUGHTER) PETER: Okay, thanks for watching this outmoded form of entertainment.
Now let's all go around the horn and say what our favorite part of the episode was.
- Chris? - CHRIS: Pass.
- Meg? - MEG: Don't care.
PETER: Okay, Stewie's asleep, and I can see Brian driving away in his car.
And just so you know, he doesn't drive a Prius like you see on the show.
He actually drives a white, convertible Mercedes.
Basically the car a lady Realtor would drive.
Oh, animation producer Shannon Smith, I see you're still here.
You want to say something? SHANNON: Thanks, Peter.
Actually Oh, Fuzzy Door.
Bye.