Family Guy s17e17 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Ugh! This sucks, Mom.
We really have to spend the whole day cleaning out the garage? Yeah, come on, Lois.
You know I have plans today to go see Pervert Hamlet.
To be with this skull sexually, or not to be with this skull sexually.
That is the question I answered when I was with this skull sexually a little while ago.
Huh.
All these spray paint cans are empty.
What? Really? (LAUGHING): H-How could such a thing have come to pass? Screw this.
Quick, before your mother gets back, everything in the garbage.
We're throwing all this stuff out.
Wait.
You're throwing away Stewie's Big Wheel? Relax.
It's not even his.
I took it from a front lawn after a rain storm.
(CAN RATTLING) I thought they'd never leave, Factory Red.
So, I guess Thanos got the Mind Stone.
Wow.
So now he's got all of 'em.
- I guess so.
- What does that mean for us? I have no idea.
I knew it was gonna be us.
Oh, my God.
There's a hot woman over at the bar.
You know, I never forget the back of a head.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Glenn Quagmire.
I'm sure that kind of thing works great for the younger crowd, but I'm 44.
44? Oh-ho, why am I trying so hard? Come on, let's get out of here.
Look, I'm not some bimbo who falls for tired pickup lines.
Wow.
That was painful.
Like that time I passed a kidney Stone Phillips.
(GROANING): Oh! Aah! Aah! (SPLASHING) KIDNEY STONE PHILLIPS: Or was it murder? - Hey, Doug.
- Hey, Stewie.
Taking the Big Wheel out for a spin? Yep.
Where are you headed? Oh, I was just gonna drive through some puddles and see how long my tracks stay wet.
The record is seven sidewalk squares, by yours truly.
(LAUGHING): Allegedly.
(LAUGHING): Okay, get out of here, you nut.
What the deuce? Where is it? (SIGHS) Boy, I tell ya, no better way to start your day than a morning dump in a neighbor's yard.
QUAGMIRE: Come on, Brian! It was a soft steamer, almost impossible to pick up.
Brian, have you seen my Big Wheel? I can't find it anywhere! What? No.
Did you look? Oh, wait a minute.
Peter threw out a bunch of stuff from the garage yesterday.
Maybe it was in there.
Threw it out? But today is our trash pick up day! (GASPS) We're too late! I've got to get that Big Wheel back.
Will you drive me to the town dump? Really? Can't we just maybe buy you a new one? No, Brian.
It has to be that Big Wheel.
It's very special to me.
I lost my V-card on that thing.
You what? Yep, went over a speed bump really fast and broke my hymen.
Stewie, you don't have a hymen.
- Yeah, not anymore.
- No, you're a boy.
I have to correct you there, Brian.
I'm a man.
'Cause, you know broken hymen.
Boys don't have hymens! Okay, then I may have just ripped my taint.
Either way, I love that bike! Hi.
Can you help us? We're trying to locate a lost Big Wh - (INSECTS BUZZING) - My God, there's just so much garbage.
(MOANING) Yes, we are in search of a Big Wheel that was erroneously discarded and collected today.
Oh, then it probably came in with the morning load.
Sorry.
That term always makes me blush.
But if it just came in, that's bad news.
Usually the newest, top layer of trash just blows right into the ocean.
Yeah, I'm afraid your Big Wheel may be gones for good.
Dear God, this is horrible! I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind! Phew.
Ooh, something smells good in this box.
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind! Damn it.
Monica's not responding to any of my texts.
You're still trying to bang that 44-year-old? - What are you sending her? - Mostly porn.
Just shots of rods.
All angles.
Up, down, left, right.
Lois, maybe you could help me ask out this woman I met.
She's close to your age.
But she won't respond to any of my texts.
Oh, well, that's easy.
Just ask her if she's all caught up on This Is Us.
(PHONE VIBRATES) She says, "I'm one behind, so no spoilers.
Hysterical laughing face, hysterical laughing face.
" How-how is that funny? It's not, but you're in.
Great.
This is exactly the stuff I need to know.
Lois, will you teach me the ways of the middle-aged woman? All right.
I'm a sucker for romance.
Thanks, Lois.
This could open up a whole new world for me.
Like one of those kids who gets a device that allows them to hear for the first time.
- Billy, can you hear? - Yes! Amazing! This is amazing.
Your mom and I are going to get a divorce.
I'm in love with someone else, and I didn't want to say it with the silly hands.
Brian, I've been doing research on my Big Wheel.
If it ended up in the ocean, it most likely has traveled to Garbage Island.
What's Garbage Island? The other name for the North Atlantic Garbage Patch, an enormous cluster of man-made debris floating in the middle of the ocean.
This is terrible.
We got to raise awareness, - let people know about it.
- I agree.
It's like a giant garbage whirlpool.
Brian? You heard me.
Anyway, I'm heading there to find my Big Wheel.
Perhaps you'll come with me.
Boating to an island of garbage? I'm in.
Maybe Peter will come, too.
Hey, Peter, want to go on a boat ride? Oh, uh, I can't be in stories for a couple of episodes.
(WHISPERING): I'm real-life pregnant.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
(HIGH-PITCHED): I know! Anyway, Mama's got to get off her feet.
All right, time to retrieve my Big Wheel from Garbage Island.
Let's do it.
Hey, how'd you get the money to rent this boat anyway? Oh, I got a part-time job at Target.
Okay, technically, I work at the weird, in-store Pizza Hut.
ANNOUNCER: The Target In-Store Pizza Hut.
Feed it to your fat kid while you buy off-brand tennis shoes.
Now, Glenn, I'm gonna help you get into the mind of a middle-aged woman.
STEP ONE: we all go frigging nuts over Yankee Candles, so to help you learn all the flavors, I made a little quiz.
I'm gonna give you a name, and you tell me if it's the name of a Yankee Candle or a porn star.
- Okay.
- Black Coconut.
Porn star? No, that's a candle.
Amber Gold.
- Candle? - That is a candle.
April Showers.
Um both? Very good.
I tried to trick you there, but you got it.
Both.
Okay, okay, I'm writing this all down.
But, Lois, Monica agreed to have dinner with me tomorrow.
- That's great! - I suppose.
But I don't think I can pull it off by myself.
Will you come and just be nearby to give me tips and help me get through it? Fine, but I'll have to rearrange my schedule.
Friday nights are when Peter and I do edibles and go to the aquarium.
This is awesome.
Peter, I'm freaking out.
Yeah, don't-don't don't ruin it for me.
Okay, I spy something blue.
Uh the ocean? Nope.
The sky? Hey, you got it in two, bud.
That ties the record.
Stewie, I'm starting to wonder if we didn't think this all the way through.
No, it's fine.
It'll all be worth it once we get to Garbage Island.
Not a lot of wind today.
No.
Hey, what causes wind? Well, if my reading material has taught me anything, it's just a cloud with lips.
Blustery is a good word.
Uh-huh.
Mm Moana.
Mm.
I never saw Moana.
You never saw Moana? (PHONE VIBRATES) Your blowout looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
So, um, I noticed a yoga mat in the back of your car.
- How often do you do yoga? - (PHONE VIBRATES) - Is everything all right? - Hmm? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
My, um my-my dad locked himself out of his car.
Oh, sorry.
Do you need to help him? Um, no, uh, no.
He, um, he broke, uh broke the window with his foot.
High heel.
My dad's a woman now.
- Oh.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) (CHUCKLES) You're lucky we came here.
I almost suggested Mickey D's.
(LAUGHING): Oh, my God.
That's so informal.
Are you talking about McDonald's? - (CHUCKLES): Yeah, yeah! - (PHONE VIBRATES) Another thing I was just thinking about is "AMBER Alert, white Honda Accord, license plate" Uh, uh, I mean, Pinterest sure has some neat pictures of sinks.
Doesn't it? Listen, what if we just bail on dinner and head back to my place? Great! I'm in.
Wait! You have to pay for the bread.
Hey! You have to pay for the bread! You have to pay for the bread! You have to pay for the bread! The bread! (CRYING): You have to pay for the bread! (CRYING) (CREAKING) (GRUNTING) Moana? Oh, my God.
Brian.
Look! We made it! We made it to Garbage Island! My God, I don't believe it.
Whoa, look at all the packaging from Mickey D's.
What? Oh, my God, I've never heard that.
"Mickey D's.
" That is just great.
Anyway, let's start looking for my Big Wheel.
Hey, check it out, a VCR just sitting here.
I'm taking this sucker home.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) - Oh, crap.
- Brian, you idiot.
Now how the hell are we supposed to get back to land? We're both going to die.
Oh, look, a message in a bottle is washing up.
Maybe this'll help.
PETER: DEAR ENGLAND: Enclosed, please find one bottle fart in exchange for Russell Brand.
We feel this is appropriate compensation.
Yours, et cetera, America.
- (FLATULENCE) - (GROANING) Damn it, Brian! How could you sink our boat? We're going to die! MAN: You guys need any help? - Aah! - Aah! Who the hell are you? Name's Taylor.
'Sup? How the hell did you get here? Oh, I, uh I-I fell off a booze cruise.
- You what? - Yep, washed up here.
Matter of fact, we all did.
How are you all planning to get back home? Get back home? Why would we want to do that? Yeah, we've got everything we need here.
There's tons of free, half-eaten food that washes up.
And we just bang each other all day.
That, uh that doesn't sound terrible.
Hey, so, we've been stuck out here for over 20 years.
Can you catch us up on all the important things that we've missed? So, no way! Kylie Jenner and Tyga are no longer together? Splitsville, my friend.
How did Robert Kardashian die? - Guilt cancer.
- From what? Oh, boy.
So people thought the dancing Judge Itos were funny? For a while, yes.
Is Leno still doing it? No, he's not hosting anymore.
Oh, so Conan got The Tonight Show? - (SIGHS) - Oh, come o A-And so what about Craig Kilborn? Is he still on? I'm actually right here.
Oh, right.
Hey, Craig.
Oh, hi, Glenn.
I haven't seen you in a while.
H-How are things with Monica? Who? Monica, y-your hot date from the other night.
Oh, yeah.
I plowed her.
Thanks again.
But-but I thought she was the one.
Yeah, no, what I realized is that all those texts you sent me, they're like my bible now.
I just keep using these same tips on different women.
I owe you, Lois.
You've opened up a whole world of middle-aged legs to me.
(HUMMING) Oh, my God.
Quagmire's terrorizing middle-aged women, and I'm responsible for it.
I've created a monster.
Oh, no! My Luna Bar for women.
(HAUNTING MUSIC PLAYING) Please call the DWP.
I'm stuck in here.
(SEABIRD SQUAWKS IN DISTANCE) Hey, what day is it? Trash day.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Brian, look, I found my Big Wheel.
- Cool.
- It's more than cool, Brian.
I believe the Big Wheel may actually be our ticket off the island.
You see, I've calculated that, even with both of our weights, it will still be capable of flotation.
My plan is to attach six Jimmy Buffett margarita machines to it, which should be able to propel us home.
Home? I don't think I want to go home.
What? What are you talking about? I'm saying I like it here on Garbage Island.
O-Okay, I-I don't think I can talk to you, because, right now, you're making less sense than an M.
C.
Escher floor plan.
So, how's it coming? Are we gonna finish on schedule? I don't know, Mr.
Escher.
I've never put six stairways all in one spot.
And I've lost, like, ten of my guys in here.
Hey, I need a hammer! I hate this place! I quit! (GRUNTS) Uh, 'scuse me, I'm-I'm looking for anything by Mike "Bubble"? LOIS: It's "Bublé," you idiot! Oh, hey, Lo Ow! That feels great! Glenn Quagmire, I tried to help you meet a nice woman, but you just couldn't help yourself, could you? What are you talking about? I thought I was helping you find love, and, instead, you used me as a tool to get down every middle-aged woman's pants in town.
Slacks, Lois.
They call them slacks.
You wouldn't know that if it wasn't for me! (SIGHS) You're right.
You were kind to me, and I took advantage of it.
I owe you an apology.
Well, thank you.
Here, let me make it up to you.
I'll buy you a coffee, and do you like the music of Ray "LaMountain"? "LaMontagne.
" Thank you.
Hey, beautiful, you want to take a pointless girl-stride walk and listen to Ray LaMontagne? - Sure.
- Great.
See ya, Lois.
Last chance, Brian.
You're really not coming with me? I'm sorry, Stewie.
I'm not.
I know it's weird to say, but it's kind of just too perfect for me here.
I see.
Well, I should go.
Fort Lauderdale Tanya found a four-piece puzzle she's been struggling with.
TANYA: Where does the cow go? It's all corners, babe.
(SIGHS) I have to say, I never imagined saying goodbye to you, Brian.
So long take very good care dear friend of mine farewell.
That's odd phrasing.
Sorry, it's been hard to think straight.
From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.
These are things you don't say to a baby.
Goodbye, Brian.
Goodbye, Stewie.
(WHIRRING) Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my lady In the sun with your hair undone Can you hear me now Callin' your name from across the bay? A summer's day laughin' and a-hidin' Chasin' love out on Thunder Island Do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Do-do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do Hey, hey, hey, hey - Do-do-do-do, do-do-do - (SCREAMING) Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do Stewie, what the hell's going on? We're back in Quahog? - We are, Brian.
- Why? What happened? You're an enormously important part of my life, Brian, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you.
I assumed it unlikely you'd change your mind, so I added the fans from many, many Dell laptops to the back of my Big Wheel so I could simply tow everyone back to land.
Wow.
Thank you.
That means a lot to me.
Well, our journey taught me something, Brian.
You can throw away just about anything in this world, but you can't throw away a friendship.
No, you can't, Stewie.
Cool if I say goodbye to the garbage? You do what you got to do, you gross dog.
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do Hey, hey, hey, hey Do-do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do.
Sweet sunshine So, sha-la-la-la-la-la My lady In the sun with your dress undone Now every mile aw (MUZAK VERSION OF "THUNDER ISLAND" PLAYING) Sausage and pepperoni for Alan? Alan? (SNIFFS) God, that smells good, doesn't it? - Alan? - Yeah.
But, actually, I ordered just pepperoni.
(SIGHS) Can I see your receipt?