Family Guy s17e18 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (QUIET CHATTER) Ugh.
I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow.
- This is gonna suck.
- Oh, knock it off.
It's not gonna be that bad.
Besides, I couldn't leave you at home.
Last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at Internet corn.
(QUIETLY): Oh, God, what I wouldn't do to that.
What? N-No! No, it's not even mine! I just clicked on it! And c-come on, it's not like it's gay corn.
It's gay corn.
It was baby corn.
(APPLAUSE) Hi, ladies, and welcome to The Flow! (WOMEN CHEERING) We'll be starting the taping in just a few minutes, but I wanted to come out here personally and say hi to my fans.
Let's get everyone up, up, up and dancing like maniacs.
(DANCE BEAT PLAYING, WOMEN YELLING WILDLY) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING CONTINUES) (GASPING FOR AIR) (GRUNTS) - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (GASPING) First down.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING, APPLAUSE) Let's welcome our first guest, my colleague at Channel 5 and now a best-selling author, Tricia Takanawa.
(APPLAUSE) So, Tricia, tell us about your book.
I understand it's been number one on Amazon for many weeks, long time.
It's called Throw It Away: The Life-Improving Art of De-cluttering.
People nowadays own too much stuff.
I am encouraging them to throw it away.
Genius! So just throw everything out? Not quite.
If it kindles joy, you keep it.
But if no joy, you throw it away.
Can I look at your phone? No.
Use your activity book.
I already did all the fun ones at church.
It's very simple.
I came up with it after hiking to the top of Mount Asia and meditating on Epiphany Bridge.
Ah! Peter, these are Asian techniques, and they're new to me.
I have to buy this book, read two chapters, then leave it on my nightstand for a year.
That fart was the lady next to me.
Whatever.
I'm getting that book, Peter.
And it's for reading, not for killing spiders.
Oh, don't worry, Lois.
I got a better method for doing that now.
I'm really excited you're humanely relocating me to outside your house.
Oh, yeah.
Me and the fellas thought it was time.
SPIDER: Oh, no Kids! Peter! Get down here! Everyone, I just read Tricia Takanawa's book, and it was really inspiring.
She says that when you de-clutter your house, you de-clutter your mind and clear a path to true happiness.
How about a clear path to dinner, bitch.
So I want everyone to go through every single item you own, and if it doesn't kindle joy, throw it away.
See? This sweater, it's okay, but it doesn't kindle joy.
I'm throwing it out.
Now, get to it.
Wow, she's really all in on this.
Well, she's searching for something to fill her empty life.
You remember when she thought the solution was putting a lemon slice in a plain glass of water for a "very simple kind of pleasure"? Ah.
Perfection.
And just the thing to wash down six Xanax from four different prescriptions.
Mmm.
Tomorrow, this will seem like a new idea again.
Oh, my voodoo doll of Mom.
Yeah, totally throw.
It never worked, anyway.
LOIS (IN DISTANCE): Ow! What the hell was that?! Oh.
Keep.
(LOIS SCREAMS) Box of cords that go to computers from the 1980s.
Keep.
$70,000 in Camel Cash.
I should've pulled the trigger on that umbrella.
Keep.
Woody and Buzz, who definitely are not alive, so I can turn my back on them! Well, I guess they passed the test.
They're really not alive! LOIS (CALLS): Peter, what are you doing up there? Oh, nothing, Lois.
I was just making sure I kept my Woody and Bu I knew it.
Peter, there's nothing in your throwaway pile.
I know.
I'm keeping everything.
- Everything kindles joy! - That can't be true.
Even this old tin can on a string? I mean, what are you even doing with this? You're a grown man! Why would you possibly need this? If anything is garbage, this is garbage.
Sounds like things aren't going well - at the Griffins.
- This is why no girls allowed.
I hate to do this, guys, but Peter's been compromised.
Oh, look, my box of ribbons I've saved from various presents.
Oh, I'm not throwing that out.
That's a good ribbon.
This is a good ribbon, too.
These are all very usable ribbons.
Hey, little guy.
How's the sorting going? I'm not getting rid of my ribbons! (STRAINING): I just wanted to know if I could borrow a ribbon.
(GROANS) TV ANNOUNCER: If you love Game of Thrones on HBO, you'll love Cinemax's Boob Dragons.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (ROARING) Series pass.
Record all.
Priority one.
Peter, that's, like, your 50th bag.
What could possibly be in there? - Oh.
Have you not heard? - Brian, no! (SKIPPING): Well, everybody's 'bout the bird Bird, bird, bird (NEEDLE SKIPPING, SONG PLAYING DISTORTED) Bird, bird, bird Bird is the bird, bird Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that? I glued it.
"Surfin' Bird," uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
I love it! Perfect! (LAUGHS): Ah-ha-ha! So, Lois, what's your next "bored housewife seeking purpose in life" project after de-cluttering? Vegan baking? Handmade soaps on Etsy? Whoa.
You drunk already, bro? What's your next fake writing project, a rap opera about Grover Cleveland? (CHUCKLES): No, Lois, that would be ridiculous.
Mine is a '70s funk musical about William Howard Taft.
(FUNKY SOUL MUSIC PLAYING) Who's the big fat president Whose suits look like a flannel circus tent? Taft Right on Who's that presidential chub Got stuck in the White House tub? William Howard Taft They say this cat Taft Is a fat mother Shut your mouth I'm just talkin' 'bout Taft And we can dig it.
(INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES): Ah.
PETER: Ah, so good to be home.
Since when do you surf?! Oh, I don't.
I just rolled around in the sand and brought home this bucket of alive crabs.
(SIGHS) When the clutter is gone, the path to happiness is clear.
Lois, you could just pee in these like a space suit, right? Peter you don't kindle joy.
- What? - I'm sorry, but I'm looking at you, and I'm just not feeling joy.
What what are you saying? Peter I don't think I can have you in the house right now.
You're throwing me away? Yes.
I'm so sorry, Peter.
I just feel like if you don't kindle joy And that's what the book said You can't kick me out of my own house.
The house that I pay for? That I semi-pay for with help from your parents? That your parents pay for entirely, but I get to put the mortgage coupon in the mailbox? That your parents pay for entirely using autodraft from their account while I put a pretend mortgage coupon that clearly says "Not legal tender" into the mailbox? That your parents pay for entirely using autodraft from their account while I put a pretend mortgage coupon that says "Not legal tender" into Stewie's Sesame Street mailbox? That your parents pay for entirely using autodraft from their account while Chris puts a pretend mortgage coupon that says "Not legal tender" into Stewie's Sesame Street mailbox while I hold the plastic door open for him? That your parents pay for entirely - Peter, we get it.
- Okay.
What's happening again? I'm asking you to leave the house.
The house that I pay for? Thanks for letting me crash here, Quagmire.
No problem, Peter.
I'm sure Lois'll cool down in a few days, and you'll be back home.
Yeah, she'll be fine.
And you won't even know I'm here.
I mean, I need to keep up with my workouts.
And I can't sleep unless I have Dunkirk on at full volume.
(DUNKIRK SOUNDTRACK PLAYING, VOLUME INCREASES) - (RAPID GUNFIRE) - (MAN GRUNTING) But, yeah, this'll be great.
Hi, kids.
Do you need those hats? - I mean - It's the foundation of my look, but we can discuss it.
I feel like they're clutter.
I feel like you don't need them.
L-Let's just see what you look like without Whoa! You kids are Legos? Sorry you had to find out this way, Mom.
Oh.
Hi, Brian.
You're carrying clutter, I'll just throw it out.
Ha! A clean house means a clean soul, and a clean soul is a happy one.
That was a whole pizza.
And I didn't even start eating it yet.
You're surprised about a pizza? She threw out a whole guy.
Yeah, Lois might be starting to lose it.
Even her cutaways are getting a little too minimalist.
Have you noticed? Donald Trump's hair is unusual.
Oh, hey, don't use the toilet.
I'm making wine.
Peter, you got to get out.
The truth is I should have asked you to leave after the other night.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) (LOUDER KNOCK) - Hello? - PETER: Quagmire? Yeah? PETER: I can't sleep.
So? PETER: I can't sleep.
What do you want me to do? PETER: Will you read me a story? Peter, I-I'm-I'm in the middle of something here.
- Like, maybe a Clifford? - Peter, get out of here! - Clifford? - No! Not now! Quagmire, Clifford now? Ugh! Just read him the story.
"Clifford was just too big for the bathtub.
" - Isn't he big, Peter? - Clifford big! "So they decided to hose him in the yard instead, but Clifford couldn't fit through the door.
" See that, Peter? (SNORING) Finally.
All right, ladies, I guess we can Wouldn't you know it.
Oh, my God, they took the whole roof off.
Everybody thinks they can kick me out? Well, who gets the last laugh now? I get to sleep with all my stuff in a storage unit on the highway access road.
Okay, can't go to bed till you make one.
(SIGHS) All right, just got to make one.
I'm going to sleep.
(SIGHS) Something bad's gonna happen if you don't do it.
LOIS: Meg! Chris! What the (BLEEP) is this? - I've never seen it before.
- I don't know.
Stewie, she's got your time machine.
Well, don't drag that down the stairs or else (LOIS GRUNTING) (ROARS) Thank God, everything's back to normal.
Pe-tew.
Gross.
I tell you to clean your rooms, and the first thing you do is put all your science projects in Stewie's closet? - Mom, we didn't - Stop arguing and get rid of it.
And give me those glasses.
They're cluttering up your face.
- I need them to see.
- They're not bringing me joy! You realize there are four of us and one of her.
- If we rushed her all at once - That's not gonna work.
She's clearly developed the strength of the insane.
- What did you say, Chris? - Uh, nothing.
I'm sorry! Chris, I will not have your comic strip anger cluttering up my house.
It's negative, and it ruins my joy.
- Get it out of here! - Now you've done it.
You've made me 1930s work whistle angry! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Shut up, Meg! - What? I didn't say anything.
- You just did.
Your voice it's cluttering up my space.
Get out.
- But - Get out of my house! You know, Lois, one could argue that your bra is clutter.
Nice try, dirtbag.
Leave.
Figured it was gonna happen, anyway.
Might as well go out on my terms.
I cluttered my pants.
It did not kindle joy.
(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) (SIGHS) Well, that does it.
I got rid of all the clutter.
I made order out of chaos, (SINGSONGY): and it's beautiful.
Ah, there's even an echo in here now.
I'm so happy! LOIS ECHO: I'm very unhappy! My house is at peace, so I am at peace.
LOIS ECHO: You're all alone and sad.
Simplicity is good for the soul.
LOIS ECHO: Your soul is as empty as this house, this house, this house.
(PANTING) (PANTING) But I did what the book said.
I did it all.
Why didn't it work? Why am I still not happy? What have I done? Looks like there's only one thing left to get rid of.
The mirror.
(GRUNTS) - Look.
Towels! - They don't even match.
Who cares? They're still thirsty.
She's not here.
Come on.
(ECHOING): Wow.
Everything's gone.
What's that? "Words, letters, letters and words, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, more words and letters.
" Chris, can't you read? No, I know the letters when they're on their own, but, you know, when they team up like this, I'm just, uh I'm sort of outmatched.
"It was my fault, not yours.
"I'm so sorry, and I love you all.
"Goodbye.
"P.
S.
Please throw this note out.
It is clutter.
" Oh, my God.
Where could she be? You don't think she killed herself, do you? We're gonna need professional help.
I got to call Joe.
(PHONE RINGING NEARBY) - (BEEP) - JOE (QUIETLY): Hello? Joe, are you in my kitchen? JOE: No.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
- (PHONE RINGING, BEEP) - Hey, Bon.
BONNIE: Did they have the French bread pizza? Not a good time, Bon.
Well, she's dead.
It's a suicide note.
It doesn't actually say she's gonna end it.
Maybe she just took off somewhere.
I'll call Cleveland.
Maybe he saw something.
(PHONE RINGING NEARBY) (QUIETLY): Hello? Are you stealing my copper plumbing? - No.
- What are you doing? Nothing.
(PHONE RINGING) Hey, Donna.
DONNA: Did you check the counter for Keurigs? Not a good time, Don.
Dad, how can you be so sure Mom is at Mount Asia? We cut a whole scene where we figured it out.
You got to just trust me.
Boy, feels like Rocky, huh? - Huh? - Okay! Look! We're almost there! (SIGHS) I don't even care that I left my phone in my pocket.
I had too much.
But then I had nothing.
But then that wasn't enough.
(YELLS) PETER (ECHOING): Lois! Lois, don't do it! Wait.
Is this really 'cause of all my stuff? No, Peter, don't come any closer! Please don't jump! Please! - I love you.
- (SHRIEKS) (GRUNTING) - (SCREAMS) - Lois! (WOMAN VOCALIZING TO ETHEREAL MUSIC) Feels like Cliffhanger, huh? Huh, Chris? CHRIS: Okay! (SCREAMING) - Mom! - Oh, my God! (SCREAMING) (GRUNTS) Lois, are you okay? I'm fine! I'm fine.
(LAUGHING) Everything's fine! I was saved by garbage! I'm garbage.
Everything's garbage, and garbage is wonderful! Oh, when Mommy's unstable, I feel unsafe.
We're so glad you didn't kill yourself.
I wasn't gonna jump, you idiot.
I just came here to think.
You made me lose my balance, but when I landed in all that garbage, I realized it saved my life.
Literally, yes, but also it saves my life every day.
The joy that you find in everything The fact that every little thing you see kindles joy for you That's the right attitude, Peter.
And I'm gonna try to have that attitude from now on.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, Lois.
Now let's go home.
I can't wait to sleep in my own bed.
(DUNKIRK SOUNDTRACK PLAYING LOUDLY) - (RAPID GUNFIRE) - (MAN GRUNTING) Oh, just leave it for now.
We'll deal with it later.
Oh, okay.
Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, that de-cluttering thing was nice for a while, but I definitely went overboard.
I don't know.
Somehow, an idea I got from a two-minute segment on a morning talk show didn't bring me the life satisfaction I thought it would.
On the bright side, our sparse, white living room looks like the John Lennon, Yoko Ono "Imagine" living room.
We can't afford "Imagine," so just imagine this is "Imagine.
" (PLAYING "CAMPTOWN RACES") Boop-boop, deedle-Dee, Dee-Dee-Dee Imagine, imagine No religion, nothing matters - Everything is bad.
- (SONG ENDS)