Family Guy s17e19 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! I tell you, Sundays are the best, aren't they? You said it, chief.
Hey, Chris, what's the name of the girl on the end of the couch? I'm sure I've met her before.
I'll introduce myself to her.
That'll get her to say it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hi.
I'm Chris.
Hi, Chris.
Well, that didn't work.
ANNOUNCER (OVER TV): This Sunday at the Quahog Convention Center, it's Streaming-Con.
All your favorite YouTubers, Instagrammers, social media mavens and digital influencers under one roof.
Social media? Better swap my glasses for a monocle that will pop out when I'm confronted with modern talk.
LOL at thousands of the hottest Vimeos, memes, - epic fails.
- Heavens! Meet disgraced YouTube star Logan Paul and his cool bus, the Golden Throated Homeless Guy and his cool bus he poops in, - Newly Sober Cat - (CAT MEWS) - formerly Grumpy Cat - (CAT GROANS) - and teen influencers Tyler Oakley - Who? - Lele Pons - What? - GloZell - Where? - Joey Graceffa! - When? - Sunday.
I already said that.
- Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
With special guest star, everyone's favorite Internet how-to whiz, Corey from Corey's World.
What's going on, guys? I'm Corey from Corey's World.
And I'm gonna be live and in-person at the Quahog Streaming-Con, where you'll see I'm only five-foot-two.
And remember, that Nazi stuff I said was in the heat of a very competitive Halo game.
And congratulations to Goldblatt69, whose people definitely do not control the media and all banking.
Dad, can we go to Streaming-Con? Well, I wasn't watching all that closely.
Is it like a rodeo? Um, sure.
We're going to Streaming-Con! Giddyup! Looks like someone's going to Streaming-Con.
Rope a doggy for me.
Oh, awesome.
Look over there.
You can take a selfie in a hospital bed to get social media attention.
"Don't really want to get into it, but I'm fine.
" (RAPID CHIMING) Oh, boy.
Well, this is the last thing I wanted.
I'm gonna do a Instagram story here where I insult a loner and it becomes a whole thing.
What's up, everybody? I'm here at Streaming-Con 2019.
Weird ponytail.
They got a whole booth of cat GIFs here.
Jiff? How-how do you say Uh-oh.
Hey, man, I didn't say anything to that guy.
This is ridiculous.
You're hurting my wrist! So check this out, guys.
I got kicked out of Streaming-Con 2019.
Now, I don't know if anyone watching this is a lawyer, especially a constitutional lawyer, - but - (KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Hey.
Hey, guys, so I'm in my own trunk.
Uh, I think I'm gonna get murdered.
Uh, but before I do, I forgot, I'm supposed to mention Triscuits.
Really, all the Nabisco products, they're-they're solid.
You know, like, on the back of Triscuits when they give you the recipes for those snacks? Like, the-the mini pizzas? I swear to God, make those little pizzas.
Hashtag it: #PetesTriscuitLifeHacks.
Go ahead and check it out.
Recipe in bio.
- (TIRES SCREECH) - Whoa! (PANTING): I got away.
Hey, guys, I'm in an Uber, heading back to Streaming-Con.
Uh, man bun alert.
ANNOUNCER: Now seating for Corey: The Live Experience.
All religions welcome.
That's us! Come on, everyone! Hey, where's Brian? Hey, you know how Snapchat puts a fake dog tongue on you? - How'd you like a real one? - (BOTH GASP) - That was bad.
- Eh, times have changed.
Three years ago, I would've been a hero.
Three years ago, they would've been 12.
I need a nap.
Brian, turn on the heat and NPR.
RADIO HOST: We now return to NPR's Fresh Air.
TERRY GROSS: My guest today is a white music writer who has written a book about the history of hip-hop.
- (SNORING) - Stewie's loss.
I'm sure this'll be an enriching discussion.
Hip-hop has its roots in the call-and-response tradition of the Southern black Baptist church.
(SNORING) (TIRES SCREECH) (TIRES SCREECH) (YAWNS) Well, a nap was just what the doctor ordered.
- I feel like a new - And, of course, you can't write a history of rap without mentioning Gil Scott-Heron (BOTH SNORING) (CROWD CHEERING, DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (CAMERAS CLICKING) What's going on, guys? I'm Corey from Corey's World.
And today, I'm gonna show you how anyone can become an Internet celebrity, like me, Corey from Corey's World.
I bet you can't make my daughter Meg an Internet celebrity.
Dad, stop.
No, stand up, young lady.
Rectangle body, fridge bod, untapped market.
Go with that.
Everybody, hashtag #FridgeBodMeg.
(CHUCKLES) You're welcome.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - (GASPS) Oh, my God, Dad! I'm trending on Twitter.
That's awesome, Meg.
I say we celebrate by eating Triscuit pizzas.
- Is it good? - The recipe's right on the box.
- Yeah, but is it good? - You can make them with ingredients you probably already have in the house.
- Dad, what does it taste like? - That's right.
Ugh! It's like I dropped a tomato in some hay.
Yeah, it's like if a horse made a pizza.
Triscuits: make sure you have a drink nearby.
All right, Meg, now that you're an Internet personality, we got to build your brand.
Is there anything you can do? Uh, yeah, actually, I can (BLEEP) (EXHALES): I-Is Is there anything you can do in front of your dad? - I can shuffle a deck of cards.
- Oh, good.
With my (BLEEP) All right, we're taking your bedroom door off the hinges.
Is the lady who owns the Prius here? - Uh, actually, that's me.
- Oh, well, your wife's car is totaled.
- It's my car.
- Sorry.
We were, however, able to save your purse.
It's a gender-fluid Euro carrier.
Either way, we'll have it towed back to San Francisco.
Hey, there are plenty of closer gay cities, you big ape.
How did this turn into my fight? You're gonna need a loaner.
We have a pink Volkswagen Beetle you might feel comfortable in.
(GASPS) Ooh, Brian, we could be two in the pink! Take that one! Take that one! Yeah, I'm thinking of something sportier.
- The red Miata it is.
- Give me your manliest car! Bill, I need a Hummer.
BILL: Again? You're insatiable.
Wise guy.
(ENGINE RUMBLING) - (BRAKES SQUEAK) - Wow, that thing's big.
Brian, it's night now.
(INSECTS CHIRPING) What's up? This is Refrigerator Meg.
Thought I'd give you a tour of my refrigerator lifestyle.
Let's see what we've got in here.
Ooh, check, check, check it out! Boom! Mini cream! Oh, and what's this? Strawberry yogurt? Is-is your girl Meg some kind of health nut? No, turn it around: 35 grams of sugar! Yeah, through the roof! Check it, check it, what's this? A bacon drawer? Stacked.
Rashers on rashers.
Best part about these bad boys? Don't even have to cook them.
Cook them right in your stomach! Wash it down with a little cream! (STOMACH GRUMBLING) (BELCHES) (STOMACH GRUMBLING) Oh, boy, that's-that's going right through me.
Sponsored by Oscar Mayer and Land O'Lakes.
If it's not Land O'Lakes, it's not cream! - (FARTS) - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) PETER: Hey, Meg? You can't use the Charmin.
You're now sponsored by Safeway Rough 'n' Thin.
Don't forget to wash the tip of your middle finger - when you're done.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) (COMPUTER CHIMES) Mom, we've got a problem.
See, I-I promoted Magic Shell ice cream topping on my channel, - so-so they sent me a ton of it.
- Yeah, so? Dad Han Solo'd himself.
Oh, my God, he's gonna suffocate.
(CLAPPING) I created a vanilla ice cream Peter covered in Magic Shell.
- Why? - Because I must.
Don't listen to him.
He's an imposter.
- I'm the real Peter.
- No, you're not.
I made you.
I'm the real Peter.
Oh-oh, my God, I-I don't know which one to believe.
What do you mean? I'm a guy, and he's ice cream.
- (GRUNTS) - (GASPS) Thank God, Lois.
Does anyone mind if I turn the thermostat down - to 32 degrees? - (CAMERA CLICKS) (COMPUTER CHIMES) There ain't a reason on Earth to waste it It ain't a crime to be good to yourself - Lick it up - (PHONE VIBRATES) Lick it up - Yeah? - STEWIE: It's me.
Can you change the station? (STATION CHANGES, "LICK IT UP" PLAYING) Whoa, lick it up (STATION CHANGES, "LICK IT UP" PLAYING) Don't need to wait Oh Oh, yeah Five different stations, all playing "Lick It Up" by Kiss.
Hummer.
Well, it's nice of you to once again drive me to day care, Brian.
Sure.
It's only three klicks away.
I just hope I don't get branded a "Hummer guy.
" I can feel the Earth warming.
No one needs a car this big.
Yes, but I like how when you cut to an outside shot, Sam Elliott is narrating your drive.
SAM ELLIOTT (OVER RADIO): When you need to take a talking baby to day care, you'll move mountains.
And if the mountains won't move, drive right over 'em.
Hummer.
And, yes, Big Lebowski fans, I've seen the movie.
I don't need to hear the lines.
This place is paying Meg? Uh, to do what? Nothing.
When you have a million followers, people just pay you to hang out.
Yo, yo, yo! Everything here is made with corn syrup! - Just drink the corn syrup! - (CHEERING) (BELCHES) (CROWD GASPS) Oh, my God, she collapsed! We got to get her to the hospital.
Don't want to wait till you know me better - Anybody need a ride to the hospital? - (MUSIC CONTINUES LOUDLY) What? Does anybody need a ride to the hospital? - How is she? - (MUSIC CONTINUES LOUDLY) - What? - How is Meg? I'm worried! Her pulse is very weak! Her middle finger smells weird.
Meg has Type 2 diabetes.
The one where you're supposed to shame her, not feel sorry for her.
But I need to draw a little more blood for the lab.
As I suspected.
Sap.
- Vermont gold.
- I love sugaring season.
Me too.
"The moon, though slight, was moon enough to show "On every tree a bucket with a lid, And on black ground, a bearskin rug of snow.
" Robert Frost, "Evening In A Sugar Orchard.
" Robert Frost! What? Dad? It's okay, Meg.
You had a diabetic coma dream.
Dad's still an idiot.
I'm still an idiot.
Coming up, local anchor brings a concealed weapon to work, as is his right.
But first, popular Internet star Meg Griffin has Type 2 diabetes, and is also the new face of diabetes drug Pancresta.
Refrigerator Meg here.
If diabetes has you down, get your insulin levels up with Pancresta.
ANNOUNCER: Pancresta may cause heart disease, swelling, allergic reactions.
Do not take Pancresta if you are pregnant or plan on becoming pregnant.
If you have a problem with addiction, do not take Pancresta, as smoking Pancresta may mimic the otherworldly high of heroin.
Chopping up and snorting Pancresta may amplify and/or enhance sexual experience.
Rock concerts on Pancresta may be excessively transformative.
Pancresta may cause intense philosophical and scientific breakthroughs.
Pancresta can be delivered directly to your home, and since we're here, why not, we'll do a bump.
(SNIFFS) Pancresta is not for everyone, just the sexy people.
Lame losers should not take Pancresta.
Pancresta.
Makes opiates look like (BLEEP) baby aspirin.
Meg, like everyone who doesn't have diabetes, I'm not sure how it works, but I do know you could go blind, you could have organ failure, you could lose your feet.
No amount of fame is worth this.
James Woods High School will also be saluting their own diabetic Internet celebrity with a pep rally in her honor this Thursday.
Sponsored by Pancresta, which feels like being inside the warm, wet mouth of the Lord.
(ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) You know, I think you like driving this Hummer.
You're a Hummer guy.
I'm not a Hummer guy, Stewie.
I'm a responsible Prius driver who's making the best of a bad situation.
I didn't ask for this car.
I also didn't ask for these slowpokes in front of me.
- Out of the way, you old bag! - Brian, that's Paul McCartney doing "Carpool Karaoke" songs we can afford.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes Whoo! (HONKS) How should we end the scene, Brian? Sam Elliott or Kiss "Lick it Up"? Why not both? SAM ELLIOTT: "Lick it up.
Lick it up.
Oh, yeah.
" That's about all I care to read of that.
Refrigerator Meg here having one of my favorite snacks: french fry sandwiches on white bread.
Bad sugars and starches are the bomb! (WIND WHISTLING SOFTLY) (WIND CHIMES JINGLE) Meg's feet are gone.
Rotted.
I have a gift for knowing when something bad happens to someone's legs, kind of like a shining.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) CLEVELAND: How you doing, doc? (PETER SHOUTS) (CLEVELAND SCREAMING) (HORROR MUSIC STING) Oh, you were thirsty, weren't you? Good girl.
No! Good boy.
You're a boy car.
- Yeah, that's weird.
Stop that.
- Stop what? The way you're touching, feeding, - and talking to your car.
- His name is Mark McGrath.
What's happened to you? I-I don't know.
All I know is I love this Hummer.
God, the power.
I deserved a sweet ride for a little while.
It felt so good.
People turned their heads when I pulled into Hooters, Lids, GNC.
It's not fair! - How much creatine - I've been doing a lot of creatine! - (CAR HORN HONKS) - All set.
You can probably get another 130,000 miles out of this thing.
Well, let's see I drive about 4,000 a year, so when this car goes, I'll be Dead for 18 years.
Let me just say goodbye to the Hummer.
I'll miss you, Mark McGrath.
I'll miss scaring the hell out of homeless people with your cruise-ship-grade air horn.
I'll miss catching the eye of women smoking outside of government buildings.
But mostly, I'll miss driving a military vehicle 45 miles an hour through a school zone - to get Crest Whitestrips.
- (GLASS SHATTERS) The back side of this car is all wrecked.
Who fixed this thing, your wife? - No, she can't fix a car.
- That's my point.
She passed away last month.
She was addicted to Pancresta, so she didn't so much pass away as elevate to a higher level of consciousness.
Just turned into a smiling beam of light right before my eyes.
She told me to be at peace, and I was.
I'm hearing a lot of good stuff about this Pancresta.
Sorry, Mr.
Griffin.
I don't know what happened.
Looks like you got the Hummer for another couple of days at least.
Stewie, why did you do it? Oh, you were having so much fun, Bri.
Besides, the Earth is on fire.
One dog driving a Prius won't fix that.
Where to? Let's do donuts on Mark Ruffalo's lawn.
- (TIRES SCREECHING) - BRIAN: Yeah! (LAUGHS, WHOOPS) Hey, come on, you guys.
Knock it off.
Hey, why don't you turn into the Hulk? Oh, right.
You're just a Hollywood sissy.
I'm calling the cops! Oh, you hear that, Brian? Hulk's calling the cops.
(BOTH LAUGHING) SAM ELLIOTT: Turns out old Mark really was the Hulk.
(STEWIE AND BRIAN SCREAMING) And Brian and Stewie got tossed clear up to New Hampshire.
I'm Sam Elliott.
This concludes your B story.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Look at 'em all out there, Meg.
They're all here because of you.
Hi, Meg.
It's your friends, Patty, Ruth and Esther.
If anyone remembered what we look like, it would be shocking how fat we are.
You've inspired us to gain all this weight, and we just wanted to say thanks.
(GIRLS FARTING MUSICALLY) Dad, I can't do this.
All my friends are fat because of me.
I don't want them to lose their feet, too.
Everybody needs their feet.
SAM ELLIOTT: Feet.
Those little weirdos on the end of your legs.
I used mine to mosey on over to the A story.
I'm going out there to warn everybody about the dangers of unhealthy eating.
Meg, I am so high on Pancresta right now, I don't care what you say.
Three dimensions? No, six dimensions.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING) Be at peace, Meg.
Be at peace.
Phone.
Forgot my phone.
- GIRL: We love you, Meg! - GIRL 2: Eat something gross! BOY: I was gonna take you to prom as part of a cruel bet, but I'm fat now, too! Hey, everybody.
I want to talk to you guys about something important.
Being healthy.
I'm still Refrigerator Meg! But from here on, my fridge will be full of fruits, vegetables and lean meats! Yo, yo, yo! (BOOING) Bring back the fridge! CROWD (CHANTING): Bring back the fridge! Bring back the fridge! Bring back the fridge! Aah! - (ELECTRONIC CHIME) - What's going on, guys? I'm Corey from Corey's World.
Did you hear that all the Jewish kids stayed home from school that day? Is everyone okay, Principal Shepherd? Mostly.
We only had one fatality.
An old janitor was crushed under the bleachers.
Huh.
Has anyone claimed his feet? Yeah, and has anyone claimed his mop? Good news! The feet transplant was a success.
So good news all around.
PETER: Well, I'm glad everything's back to normal.
LOIS: No, it isn't! Meg got the dead janitor's feet, Brian and Stewie got thrown into New Hampshire by the Hulk, and you're a beam of light.
CHRIS: I have the shining now.
LOIS: And Chris has the shining now.
PETER: Lois, just do a line of Panc.
LOIS: (SNIFFS) Ah! Road House! PETER: Road House.
SAM ELLIOTT: Road House is a movie I was in.