Family Guy s18e02 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (SCOFFS) - Fake news.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Here you go, guys.
A little hot coffee.
Where'd we even go last night? I have no idea.
- Cup of coffee, Joe? - Yeah.
Thanks.
(JOE SCREAMS) I remember we got really excited about something.
That's right, that's right, we had that million-dollar business idea.
- Does anyone remember it? - More coffee, Joe? Sure, I'll take another cup.
- (JOE SCREAMS) - Didn't anyone write it down? Wait a minute, maybe it's in my pocket.
Peter, are you just rubbing pocket cloth over your wang? I'm actually popping a leg pimple, mister smarty pants.
Damn it, I'm sick of us always forgetting our great ideas when we're drinking.
Well, down at work, we wear body cams.
We could just do that when we're drinking.
That's a great idea, Joe.
Thanks.
Now maybe you'll take down those three billboards you put up about me.
That's not true.
(SCREAM-SNEEZES) Wow, Joe, these are pretty cool.
Yeah, they're not as heavy as I thought they'd be.
And we can live stream the footage on my iPad.
(LOUDLY) How do we talk when they're on? Like, different? No, Peter.
Use your normal speaking voice.
- All right, let's hit it.
- Hang on, guys.
I'm just gonna say goodbye to Lois.
(BEEP) Where the hell do you think you're going? PETER: I told you, I'm going to the Clam with the guys.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
Another night out with the losers.
PETER: Losers?! Name five things wrong with each of them.
With pleasure.
Lois sends her love.
Come on, let's go.
What does she mean, "Can't eat an ear of corn"? I can't help it if my adult teeth never came in.
She says I call Steinfeld Steinfeld? Of course I do, that's his name.
Jerry Steinfeld.
Pardon me, to quote his famous bit.
She says I say erverybody weird? I say erverybody just like erverybody else does.
You do say that weird.
(SCREAM-SNEEZES) TV ANNOUNCER: This Sunday, we turn the Quahog Convention Center into a mud pit for the 28th annual Quahog Monster Truck Rally and gun show.
See giant monster trucks.
Shoot at monster trucks! And best of all, you can smoke inside.
See the Ghost Rider while smoking inside.
Fire an AR15 while smoking inside.
Or just stand around and smoke inside.
Seriously, we're cool with it.
Throw your butts on the ground.
We don't care.
Watch real loud trucks and smell the smoke that reminds you of your dead alcoholic stepdad who you're glad is dead but still miss anyway.
Rest in peace, Gene.
Forget which beer can is your ashtray.
And whenever you feel like it, shout racial stuff.
You will not be the fattest person there, and if you are, get that shirt off! Come get your picture taken with Tila Tequila, and smoke a cigarette with her.
Spray soda on somebody.
Punch a baby.
Smoke inside.
Loud trucks, guns.
It's all happening at the Quahog Convention Center, so hold in all your farts till this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! - Farts.
- (FLATULENCE) All right, here we go.
Million-dollar business ideas.
Open forum, no self-editing.
Wide-open slate.
No such thing as a bad idea.
- Beer in a bag.
- Bad idea.
Oh, oh, I got one.
Big Tic Tac, so you don't have to eat so many little Tic Tacs.
Nice, Glenn, you're on the board.
All right, any ideas.
No bad ideas.
- Soup in a sleeve.
- Bad idea.
All right, Peter, you're so great, why don't you give us an idea? Okay, you know how they put ice in urinals? Well, what happens to that ice at the end of the day? It's wasted.
We collect urinal ice and sell it to local bars.
Peter, that'll never work.
Oh, no? Is that the tinkling of ice I hear? All right, let's check out what we did last night.
QUAGMIRE: God, that's so shaky.
CLEVELAND: It's hard to watch.
PETER: What is that one? JOE: That's mine.
I'm basically a human Steadicam.
- It's beautiful.
- So smooth.
Lot of guy butts.
Yeah, my sight line's a little lower than most.
Look at a girl butt once.
What the hell were we doing here? PETER: Oh, this must have been when we were jumping around to "Jump Around," like the song asked us to.
JOE: Oh, yeah, I was so into this song.
Look at my footage.
I was going bananas.
PETER: All right, let's fast-forward a little here.
Just looks like we're drinking at a random bar.
We ain't talking about any million-dollar ideas.
Wait, wait, pause it.
Zoom in on that napkin.
What does that say? There it is.
"Warm cuts.
" Like cold cuts, but warm.
Our million-dollar idea.
Warm cuts? That's dumb.
If it's so dumb, how come we're pitching it on Shark Tank? PETER (ON TV): Now, when we first started Warm Cuts, it was just a gross idea.
But this year, we're on track to get sued for $12.
5 million.
That's quadruple the projections.
You know what, I like your product.
But more than that, I like you guys.
I'm in, and I'll give you exactly what you're asking for: $100,000 for ten percent.
What do you say? PETER: Does anyone other than Robert have an offer? Wait, why are only three of us on Shark Tank? Yeah, where's Quagmire? Oh, my God, is that Quagmire, you hooked up.
All right.
Oh, no, wait, wait.
It's on film.
That's not all right.
What if my boss sees this? What if my dad sees it? It's fine, Glenn.
You can't even see your face.
You did it again, Glenn Quagmire.
Oh, my God.
Joe, you have to delete this footage.
Sorry, Glenn, the footage is automatically uploaded to the Internet every night.
The Internet?! Oh, my God.
Excuse me, ma'am, no porn at the bar.
Oh, it's okay, I'm transgender.
Oh, I-I had no idea.
Do whatever you want all the time.
Oh, Glenn BRIAN: Howdy, stranger.
Brian? What are you doing here? - I'm an alcoholic.
- Oh, right.
So, you saw the video, huh? Oh, yeah.
It's just so hard.
Well, it has to be for sex.
No, no, I mean-I mean it's difficult to watch your son embarrass himself so publicly.
Yeah, that parent-child relationship is so special.
Sometimes you want to shake 'em by the shoulders and say, "Aah, what are you doing?" But you just got to give 'em the biggest hug you can and let 'em know that you'll always be there for them.
- How's your son, Brian? - We don't talk.
But, Ida, you can't blame yourself.
As much as you want to save your kids from their mistakes, it's their mistakes that help them grow and change and become their best selves.
You know, Brian, that's what I like about you.
You're so wise and kind.
I think that's what originally drew me to you.
Yep, here I am, Mr.
Wisdom, sitting at the bottom of a bottle, just like every Tuesday.
- Brian, it's Thursday.
- Oh, boy.
Why do you always run yourself down? You're handsome, you're loyal.
You give your paw after a couple of tries.
Come on, paw.
Paw.
Paw There you go.
Good boy.
I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
Ehh, mirrors kind of freak me out.
(LAUGHS) And-and funny, too.
Except for a job and your own home, you are the full package, Brian Griffin.
Ida should we get a room? Absolutely.
(SCOFFS) They've got one person working back there.
Morning, sleepyhead.
- Morning.
- Some night, huh? Yeah, it really was.
They dropped a USA Today outside our room.
- You want to read it? - Oh, God, no.
Well, I guess we'll pretend this never happened, and I'll see you in another two years.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
You know what? No.
What are you doing Friday night? Well, that depends.
Is Friday Night Videos still a thing? No, it hasn't been for quite some time.
Well, then, I'm free.
Does that mean you're asking me out? I guess it does.
You're not ashamed to be with me? No, I'm not.
I don't care anymore.
I guess I'm just not as hung up as I used to be.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - MAN: Room service.
Oh, my God, you ordered room service?! Are you crazy? What if somebody finds out I'm in here having goofball sex? - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - MAN: Hello? Room service.
I've got your eggs and Snausages.
Snausages.
Table 13.
The fish is for the gentleman, and the chicken is for the lady.
Got it.
Great.
Is that our food? WAITER: The fish is for the gentleman, and the chicken is for the lady.
I'll be right back, folks.
Well, thanks for picking me to break in your new Discover card with.
Hey, thanks for co-signing for it.
My pleasure.
(YAWNING) Brian, I can't help but notice you're a little uncomfortable spending time with me.
I thought you said you weren't ashamed of me.
What are you talking about? Because I made you lie down in the back seat all the way here? You looked tired.
It just seems like you're always taking me to out-of-the-way places to avoid being seen together.
- Like yesterday.
- Come on, that's not true.
I just wanted to show you a beautiful view.
Wow, check out that big blue marble.
Look, there's another shuttle.
- Get away from the window! - (GROANS) Okay, maybe, maybe this has been a little weirder for me than I thought.
I'm sorry, Ida.
I I really care about you and you deserve better.
- Can I help you? - The fish is for The fish is for me.
And the chicken the chicken is for my girlfriend, Ida Davis.
"Girlfriend"? Are you sure, Brian? I'm sure.
And from now on, I'm not hiding anything.
Like Peter and his formaldehyde jars.
- Peter? - Yes? Is this is about my work? Hi, I have a Styrofoam cooler with weird tape on it? Ah, that must be the cat brains and baby bodies.
Are you making people? (LAUGHS): He'll be flattered you called him that.
(CACKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) Hello, everybody.
I have some pretty big news.
- It may come as a surprise, but - It's about Ida, isn't it? It has to be.
Why else would Ida be in our house? Meg's right.
I-Ida's only been here, what, - like, twice her whole life? - You think they did it again? - Well, what else could it be? - They do have a lot in common.
Two mature people with dwindling options.
Like, I know Brian was squeamish about sleeping with a trans woman before, but it's 2019 now.
Yeah, things that were gross five years ago are now heroic.
Wow.
Brian and Ida.
Good for them.
Well, that's a relief.
Now the only other person we have to tell about us is Glenn.
Oh, God, I haven't even thought about that.
Mr.
Quagmire hates Brian.
Yes, my big brother's right.
Quagmire thinks Brian's trash.
Well, just have him over here for dinner.
We'll help you.
We're here for you, Brian.
You know what? You're right.
I can do this.
After all, I'm not the first person to deliver tough news.
Like when they found Waldo.
There are many things I can't go into at this time, but I can confirm that a body was removed from Waldo's apartment this morning.
REPORTER: Is this being treated as a suicide? Again, I can't confirm.
But to that point, instead of always asking "Where's Waldo?" maybe some of you should've been asking "How's Waldo?" Good day.
Glenn, Ida, it's so nice that you could both come over for dinner.
Thanks so much for having us.
(PHONE VIBRATES) No response from Peter.
What the hell? I thought we were going to the Clam.
And Quagmire just texted back "Can't.
" I don't like it.
They're doing something without us.
So, Brian, what's, uh, what's new in your world? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, well, um, thank you for asking, Lois.
- I see them.
- They're both in there.
Looks like a dinner party! Uh, actually, I have some news that happens to pertain - to my dating life.
- Really, Brian? - Oh, do tell us.
- I knew it! Well, it's kind of big news.
Those scalloped potatoes? Well, what's the big news? Go ahead, Brian.
Tell him.
Ida and I have, uh begun dating.
You're, you're joking, right? It's true, son.
Brian and I are in love.
What?! When were you gonna tell me this? - (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, Peter just texted.
He says he's stuck at work.
(SIGHS) They are working that poor man to death.
I'm so glad you dropped in.
Brian is cooking breakfast.
That's right, get ready for Eggs a la Brian.
Scrambled eggs with a side of toast.
What? How is that "a la Brian"? That, that's just That's, that's great.
That's just great, Brian.
I am very excited for this unique breakfast.
Cool, cool.
How many globs of ketchup do you want? Uh, chef's choice.
So, um, how long has this been going on, Dad? Listen, Glenn, I know this is an adjustment for you, and you and Brian haven't always seen eye to eye.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
He's just, uh, kind of a big personality.
(CHUCKLES) So, Denver Airport.
Kind of up there, huh? Mile-high.
Yeah, that is the height of the airport.
Now, O'Hare Airport, why on the ticket is it "ORD"? Uh, it was originally called Orchard Field.
Really? Huh.
Uh, so why is Wilkes-Barre/Scranton "AVP"? I'm not gonna go through every airport with you, Brian.
You know, Glenn, Brian thought you two could hang out this afternoon, and I think that's a great idea.
Yeah, Quagmire, what do you say? (SHUDDERING) All right.
I guess I can do that.
- Well, great.
- (OVEN TIMER CHIMES) Oh, the ketchup's hot.
Everyone goes cold, I go hot.
And that's the "a la.
" This sucks.
I don't want to be here.
Come on, Glenn.
If I'm gonna be dating your mom, it's important that we spend some time together.
Hi, we have two guest passes from a museum member, Ida Davis.
I'm not seeing an "Ida Davis.
" (QUIETLY): Uh, try "Dan Quagmire.
" - "Lieutenant Dan Quagmire.
" - Ah, the lieutenant.
And how's he doing? Still have his penis? No, he doesn't.
And that's a weird question to ask.
I'm a weird guy, I work at a museum.
See? It's not so bad.
It's like Night at the Museum in here.
- How? - Well, you know, like, the guys are gonna come to life.
- Like, who? - Um, the guys, you know? When it's, when it's nighttime.
- You didn't see the movie, did you? - No.
Why did you bring up a reference to something you know nothing about? I it just, it reminded me of, uh Brian, don't bring up a reference to someone whose favorite movie it is, because you'll just embarrass yourself.
That was a natural history museum, this is a science museum.
What, you think this tidal chart's gonna come to life? You think this moon rock is gonna walk across the room and riff brilliantly like Robin Williams playing Teddy Roosevelt, God rest both their souls? Be very, very careful treading around Night at the Museum.
Okay, let's get this game started.
- Do you believe it still fits? - From when? Thank you for throwing this barbecue.
It's so good for the boys to spend real time together.
Okay, let's play.
Kids versus the parents.
All right, we're gonna destroy those kids.
Uhp, someone's on the wrong team.
Boy, they're in such a hurry not to be kids anymore.
Your time will come, trust me.
I'm older than the adults.
I'm older than all of you! It seems like that sometimes, I bet.
- Get down there, champ.
- (SIGHS) All right, as the one adult on a team full of children, I'm gonna act good-natured while being subtly furious at all your mistakes.
Okay? Break on three.
One, two, three - Break! - Football! Let's focus, Chris.
Can we just focus for a minute? And let's all face the same direction.
Okay, I'm gonna call the plays while I'm covering my mouth with this play card.
Peter, that's not a play card, it's a Denny's menu.
Let's run Moons Over My Hammy on three.
Hey, guys? Gonna need your help over here.
They got a real All-American at QB.
(QUIETLY): God.
Down.
Hut! Hut! Good hutting, Glenn.
That's my boy, hutting.
Way to hut! Shut up.
Stop complimenting things that don't need it.
Hike! Uh-oh, look who's on the loose.
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you Oh, no, I missed you by total accident.
Yeah! Six points, bitches.
(CHUCKLES): Whoa, that was some great move, buddy.
- (DINGS) - Aw.
Did you see and hear the wink? That means he did it on purpose.
No, no, way.
He did it all by himself.
(DINGS) Ah! There it is again! Brian, you're the best dad ever.
What're you talking about? I beat him.
I wish I had a dad like that.
Me, too, bud.
Brian, you're very sweet to do that.
To do what? I'm the one who scored the touchdown.
- You sure did, Glenn.
- He's not my dad! I already have a dad, and it's my mom! All right, Brian? Stop trying to be my dad, you fraud.
Glenn, sweetie, calm down.
No, I'm not gonna calm down.
I can't take this anymore.
Listen, Dad, the first time you hooked up with Brian, it was awful, I hated it.
But you were confused, you'd just gone through a huge change, you didn't know if you had any options, so you settled.
But you're a beautiful, intelligent woman.
And now you've had time to adjust and your choice is Brian? Why in God almighty would you choose him? "Because I love him," a resolved Ida said.
- I'm also a published author.
- Self-published.
You're also a pompous, pretentious, hypocritical blowhard.
- Who attended Brown.
- For one semester.
- You went to Brown? - For two months.
See? See, that's what I mean.
His whole life is a lie.
I can't take this anymore.
It's either him or me.
- I choose Brian - Yes.
To talk to first.
Brian, I've loved every minute that we've spent together.
I never thought I'd meet someone who I connected with on so many levels, - much less an Ivy Leaguer.
- Come on But as special as you are to me, I have to put my son first.
- But Ida - He's my son.
I've made my decision.
Bye-bye, Brian.
You're history.
And this time, history's not coming back to life.
Night at the Museum.
I'm sorry, Brian.
I'll never forget what we had together.
I understand.
Can you guys wrap this up? I see Peter coming with some kind of problem from the game.
(CRYING): Quagmire, we agreed that it was a two-hand touch, and then Chris hit me with one hand, and I said that didn't count, but he still wouldn't count the touchdown.
So I drilled him in the head with the ball, and now he's not moving.
He can blink his eyes, but nothing else.
- So, is my dog still your dad? - Uh, no.
Chris, he said the touchdown counts! (CHARACTERS SHOUTING OVER TV) (BOTH LAUGHING)