Family Guy s18e03 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) Go, Stewie! Ha! Isn't this exciting? Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem.
("STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYING) Boo! Get on your feet! Boo! Down in front.
Okay, need to stay focused.
What are those for? Power songs that get me focused.
The wheels on the bus go round and round All through the town.
It's the same thing Ryan Lochte listens to before a race.
Stewie, you're taking this way too seriously.
It's a meaningless event, like a bar mitzvah.
Today you are a man.
- Great.
Can I drive? - No.
- Can I vote? - No.
- Can I drink? - No.
- Can I have sex? - No.
- Can I cash the checks? - Yes! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Lois, why'd we got to come here? This place is a bunch of rich snobs.
We have lunch with my parents twice a year.
Consider yourself lucky.
Under normal circumstances, you'd never be allowed in a place like this.
Griffin, come on.
They're waiting for your order.
Sorry.
Do you have oysters? - We do not.
- Aw, shucks.
(LAUGHTER) Damn it, Griffin, you've been staring at that menu for five minutes, and you peed your pants.
Um, do you have oysters? Get up.
They have to clean the chair.
Hey, Brian, you don't have a metal detector on you, do you? Okay, Stewie, you got a medal.
Way to go.
Do I sense a hint of jealousy? Stewie, didn't it strike you as odd that everyone got a medal? You didn't win anything.
It's a participant medal.
They give 'em to every kid with a pulse.
And like every other medal or award you've ever gotten, it means nothing.
What? (GASPS) Stewie, I-I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have said that.
I lost my temper.
- (SOBBING) - Slow down! (GASPS) No, no, no, no, no.
How could I be such a fool? This is a wall of lies.
And that's a hole of lies.
Everything I've ever won is worthless! Aah! You won't make a fool of me any longer.
Oh, no! It's all right, Stewie.
Stay calm.
This is why we have a house fire captain.
Okay, when I read your name, please respond with a "here.
" - Griffin, Mac.
- It's Meg.
Sorry, it looks like "Mac.
" - Griffin, Liam.
- It's Lois.
Again, please respond with "here.
" Oh, my God, Chris is still in there! Somebody save Chris! (BYSTANDERS GASPING) (CHEERING) You know what? He's earned that.
God, look at this place.
Our whole house is destroyed.
Oh, here comes the insurance guy.
Everyone start crying about losing your new golf clubs and Grant Wood's American Gothic.
Oh my new golf clubs with the titanium shafts.
Oh, my classic depiction of the austere steadfastness of rural America! You know, I don't care.
It's not my money.
Oh.
Peter, I spoke with my parents, and we can live with them until our house is fixed.
Great.
It's gonna suck worse than Mueslix.
You know, the German health cereal? Guten Morgen.
Try me.
I am made of oats and fiber.
Okay.
Sounds healthy.
Ja.
Also, I am German and wouldn't mind watching you crap.
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come, come.
It will be mine and yours little secret.
Just the two of us.
Please, take me home.
Uh, okay.
But just you.
I don't feel safe now.
Stop talking! Concentrate on the pooping! ANNOUNCER: Mueslix, the weird European cereal that likes to watch you poop.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Aw, why we got to stay with your parents? You know, sometimes I get the feeling they don't respect me.
(GRUNTING) (BRAKES HISS) (WHIRRING) Thank you for not interrupting my bit.
Come on in.
Wow, check out this media room.
Maybe you burning down the house wasn't so bad.
My actions were justified.
I'd been fed a massive societal lie in the form of participant awards.
Hey, kids, how would you like to hear this on the screen instead of the great show you came to see? (CHILDREN CHEERING) That's what you sound like.
Honest.
Please cooperate and do your part in keeping this theater quiet, so everyone, including you, can enjoy it.
Remember, lots of adults and kids, too, paid admission to enjoy the show.
We must insist on absolute quiet.
Otherwise, we will be forced to evict all disturbance makers from the theater.
Those asked to leave today will be refused admission to this theater in the future.
Thank you.
Wow, what a dick.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
I've deleted all my old tweets, so don't even bother looking for bad stuff.
Screen grabs can be faked.
But, first, it's that time of year again for the annual Quahog Pie Cook-off.
The winner will take home the coveted Pie Champ trophy.
Brian, this could be my chance to finally win a legitimate award.
- You think you're up to it? - Of course.
I just have to apply myself.
Like Chris, when he worked at that casino.
No more bets.
The money that could have gone to your kids is gone.
No more bets.
The money you worked hard for is gone.
Fools, fools, fools.
Ooh, double zero.
Nobody thinks about that one.
And guy walks quickly away from table without a word, replaced by an older white man with a much younger black woman.
No more bets.
No more bets.
Brian, are you ready for my grand creation? - Serve it up, bitch.
- Well, that was uncalled for.
But get ready to be wowed.
(CRUNCH) What the This is mud.
Yes.
It's a mud pie.
I used Legos for the fruit.
Stewie, you can't submit this.
It's inedible.
Okay, now I know you're full of crap, because everyone else loves it.
Mmm, num-num-num-num-nah.
So delicious, Stewie.
Best pie ever.
Wow! Tastes great, Stewie.
Mmm, so good.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Not so hammy, Meg.
He's not an idiot.
Stewie, can't you see they're faking it to make you feel good? What are you talking about? (SLO-MO): Wow! Mmm.
Num-num-num-num-nah.
So good.
We must insist on absolute quiet.
My God, you're right.
They're all just lying to protect my feelings.
This pie is garbage! And the contest is next week.
I have to drop out.
No, you don't.
You just got to do the work.
Stewie, you're a smart kid.
I know you can bake a pie, and I'll help you.
You will? Thank you, Brian.
This calls for champagne.
Pop.
Glug, glug, glug.
Bottoms up.
Go with it.
Ugh.
Korbel? - It's not Korbel.
It's - Go with it.
Yes, I had some left over from Denise's wedding.
- Who's Denise? - Go with it.
Fine.
How is Denise? Did she have the abortion? - Abortion? - Go with it.
No, her alarm didn't go off, so she missed it.
So, Brian, is this your first orgy? Not going with it.
Peter, would you like to join us in a parlor game? Parlor game? Lois, why do you always start talking like a snob when you're around your parents? What? It's the way I was brought up.
I know, let's play "The Minister's Cat.
" I don't know what that is.
It's simple.
In alphabetical order.
Go.
The minister's cat is an affable cat.
The minister's cat is a boisterous cat.
Penrose! The minister's cat is a covetous cat.
The minister's cat is a devious cat.
The minister's cat's an eclectic cat.
Peter, your turn.
Go.
- Wh-What? - Peter, hurry.
I don't I don't know this cat.
Damn it, Peter, you ruined the game! Peter, perhaps the word you were looking for is "forgotten.
" Midnight Not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone.
You kids are too young to remember that, but your parents are gonna hate it.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (SIGHS): Finally, a place to escape.
Oh, hey, Babs.
Hello, Peter.
What brings you out here? I had to get away from that stupid game.
I don't know, whenever I'm here, I feel out of place.
It's just a different world than I'm used to.
(BELCHES) Bring that up again, and we'll vote on it.
Whoa, where'd you learn a line like that? Oh, there's a lot you don't know about me.
You know, Peter, you and I are not so different.
You struggle to get erections, too? You may think I've always been a part of this high-society world, but I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Well, that probably would've torn your mom's uterus.
My point is, I'm not from an upper-crust world, either.
I just had to act that way to impress Carter, who cared about that stuff.
I was struggling to be something I wasn't.
In many ways, I still am.
There's an Ed Sheeran song for every emotion you're feeling right now.
Ooh, no, thank you.
You know, I like hanging out with you.
Hey, what do you say we ditch this stuffy place - and head to the Clam? - The Drunken Clam? Why, I haven't been there in decades.
I'd love to.
- To the Babsmobile! - (ALARM CHIRPS) ("BATMAN THEME" PLAYING) You got vehicles with your face on 'em, too? You know it, stinky.
Oh, I didn't like being called stinky.
(TIRES SCREECH) Babs, I got to hand it to you.
You turned a crappy night into something great.
You know, I've never dropped bowling balls from an overpass before.
They fall quick.
That was the most fun I've had in decades.
It felt good to reconnect with the girl I once was.
Hey, listen, you got to stay true to that girl.
She's an amazing person.
A real person.
Not some stuffy Newport snob.
Oh, sometimes I feel trapped in this world, forever trying to live up to everyone else's expectations, especially Carter's.
Sounds like you've wasted your entire life.
Thank you, Peter.
You've helped me more than you know.
Mwah.
Yuck.
Well, Brian, I've studied pie-making, and the key is to find the absolute freshest ingredients.
Therefore, we must go wherever and whenever they're to be found.
- Where are we? - 1666, England.
Home of Sir Isaac Newton and one of history's most famous apples.
Which will be part of our pie.
(SHOUTS) Gravity never happened! Good morning, family.
And before anyone asks, I brought this owl from home.
I did not take it from the enclosed owlery.
Just want to make that clear.
Home-brought owl.
Peter, what did the two of you talk about last night? - (HOOTS) - Yeah, who? You can see why I stole this from the owlery I-I mean brought it from home.
Damn it! My mother.
After your night together, she told Daddy she's leaving him.
- (HOOTS) - Yeah, who? All right, I'm already getting tired of this owl.
I'm gonna go put him back in the owlery.
Peter, enough.
You've got to make this right.
Now, that one seemed less earned.
(SEABIRDS CALLING) (TIRES SCREECH) Babs, I've been looking all over for you.
- What are you doing here? - This is my hometown, Peter.
It's where I grew up.
In fact, as a rebellious teen, I used to come down to this boardwalk and feed Alka-Seltzer tablets to the seagulls.
(SQUAWKING) Babs, you got to come home.
Carter needs you.
I'm sorry, but I-I can't do that right now.
(SEAGULL SHRIEKS, POPS) Peter, you've been able to stay true to who you were.
- I've lost touch with that.
- (SEAGULL SHRIEKS, POPS) It's been buried by Carter and his money.
I want to find it again.
Listen, Babs, I understand what you're doing.
I really do.
Sometimes I feel suffocated by Lois and my stupid mother-in-law, but you got to come home.
- (SEAGULL SHRIEKS, POPS) - I don't think so, Peter.
You and Carter are meant for each other.
You go together.
L-Like the couple from the movie Grease.
Mr.
Rama-Lama-Lama-Ka-Dinga- Da-Dinga-Dong, do you take Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda- Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom - to be your wife? - I do.
And Miss Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda- Wadda-Yippity-Boom-De-Boom, do you take Mr.
Rama-Lama-Lama- Ka-Dinga-Da-Dinga-Dong - to be your husband? - I do.
If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(ALL GASPING) Mr.
Chang-Chang-Changity-Chang-Sha-Bop! Peter, where have you been? Listen, Carter, unless you want to lose Babs forever, you better get down to Weekapaug.
Why the hell would I do that? If you want to win her back, maybe, for once, you try to fit into her world.
You got to become a regular guy.
What? No! Never! Daddy, Peter's right.
You got to do this for Mom.
All right, fine.
I'll take a quick choke-myself-awake nap and be ready to go.
(SNORING) (CHOKING) (CLEARS THROAT) All right.
All right, let's go.
- I'm so nervous.
- You made a damn good pie, Stewie.
You should be proud of yourself, whatever happens.
Good afternoon, Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker in a T-shirt? And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
This year's Quahog pie-baking champion is Fjurg Vanderploeg.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Everyone is welcome to taste my pie.
Sorry, Stewie.
You did your best.
These were old pros.
But, hey, look.
You took fifth.
Fifth? Is that good? - Do I get a medal? - You get a ribbon.
Does everyone who participates get a ribbon? Only ten out of 14.
My God.
I did it.
No, Stewie, you did it Oh, wait.
Sorry, I thought you - I thought you said "we did it.
" - I did not.
Good job, little boy.
Maybe someday you can come by my store and have all the cake you want.
- Ooh, that sounds promising.
- Okay, that's enough.
And maybe this winter, you can go fishing in my ice hole.
BRIAN: I said enough! (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) I think I went too big with the boots.
Buddy, I think you might be in the wrong place.
Yeah, you get lost on the wrong side of town, boot boy? - (WHISPERING): Peter.
- Just go with it.
It's all part of the ruse.
I say we take his pants down, see what he's working with.
And while we're at it, give me that pool cue.
I got an idea where we can put it.
- Peter, shut up.
- Carter? Is that you? Oh.
Hey, Babs.
I hang out here all the time.
Yeah.
He comes in here with me.
And I'd even take a lie detector test to prove it.
Well, good thing the bar is having Lie Detector Wednesday.
Wh-What? Just a few easy warm-up questions.
Have you ever had condomless sex with a man? Okay, test over.
Carter's never been here in his life.
Damn it, Peter.
I'm leaving.
(CREAKING) - (GASPING) - My truck! Time to waste this fancy-pants.
(GRUNTS) Babs, you saved me.
And the bartender's unconscious.
Let's take his pants down, see what he's working with.
(CHEERING) (CRYING): Babs, I'm sorry.
I tried, but I can't do it.
I'll never be the real man you want me to be.
I'll always be just a spoiled, spineless, rich dandy.
Carter, I appreciate you trying to be the man I want, but being back home here has made me realize you already are.
What? I am? I've discovered I'm not the same girl I once was.
I've changed.
I've grown accustomed to life with you.
I thought I wanted this life back, but have you ever had a Milwaukee's Best? It's an awful, awful, awful - It's one of our sponsors.
- Delicious beer, but, still, ours is the life I want, and you are the man I want.
Newport is my home now, and I'm ready to go back there.
Oh, Babs.
(MOANING) Ah, old love.
(CREAKING) Well, I didn't pay for my beer, but I left a hell of a tip.
(LAUGHTER) Damn it, Griffin! You've been staring at that menu for 22 minutes, and now you're sitting in a double pee puddle! Peter, I'm so relieved that my mother's back with my dad.
Yep.
It all worked out.
Only one thing left to do.
Get drunk, go upstairs and weird out the kids.
(QUIETLY): Chris.
Are-are you awake? Chris, you do you want a You want a Tom Brady kiss? Chris, wake up.
I-I want to give my son a Tom Brady kiss.
(STEWIE CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)