Family Guy s18e04 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Welcome, everyone.
My name is Von Jiener, and I'm Vice President of Creative Bankruptcy for the Fox TV network, which, at the time of this writing, is still a thing that exists.
Just from looking at your clothes and weight, I can tell you all watch a lot of free network television.
Am I right? (LAUGHS) Excellent.
You have been selected to be part of a focus group that could affect one of America's most beloved television shows: Family Guy.
That woman looks exactly like me.
That's your reflection, Peter.
Oh.
I'm beautiful.
As you may or may not care, Family Guy is in its 17th season.
And since Fox is now owned by Disney, which will someday be owned by Netflix, which will someday be owned by Pornhub, we have decided that Family Guy is ready for a reboot.
Reboot? I thought they said it was a couple of tweaks.
Yeah, we're supposed to trust these idiots? That woman has her finger up her nose.
That's still your reflection, Peter.
Oh.
She's beautiful.
Now, as most unfunny women will tell you, women are very funny.
That's why our first reboot is built around the very popular Louise.
- LOIS: It's Lois.
- Whatever.
The mom.
- (UPBEAT SITCOM MUSIC PLAYING) - LOIS: This is our time This is our moment This is a short song for syndication.
Lois! Going to work, huh? Yes, Joe, I'm going to work.
Great! More and more women are doing that.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGS) Good morning, goddess.
You know, I just want to say again that you were totally right last night to bring up that thing I did wrong 11 years ago.
And please feel free to bring it up again anytime, even if we're talking about something completely unrelated.
Thank you, Peter, I will.
(LAUGHS): Oh, I-I know you will.
- Morning, Lois.
- Hey, girl.
Oh, hello, gay couple who's constantly jogging.
What are you up to this morning? Just adopting and pucker-kissing.
Yeah, we're network TV gay, so all we can do is adopt children and pucker-kiss, no tongue stuff.
- Isn't that right, sweetie? - BOTH: Mwah! Well, I'm off to my high-powered job at a fashion magazine, greeting card company or winery.
I can't wait to see which.
LOIS: Oh, yay! It's a winery! Good morning, Judy Greer.
Morning, Lois.
How was your night last night? Great.
I worked out, made dinner, a little family time, and had Peter's ankles up in the air by 11:00.
God, I admire you.
That's what you're here for, Judy Greer.
(GASPS) Oh, I almost forgot.
Bert wants to see you in his office.
- Oh? What about? - He didn't say.
But it sounded hashtag serious.
Aw, meeting with the boss.
This is gonna be worse than finding a spider in the kitchen.
Oh, my God.
Peter, there's a spider in here! Yeah, I know, genius.
Hi, Lois.
I wanted to let you know I'm considering you for a big promotion.
Really? That's amazing.
(CHUCKLES): Well, the job's not yours yet.
It's between you and one other person, Smarmy J.
Tie-Straightener the Third.
I hit a gay jogger on my way to work today.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Sorry I only satisfied you twice tonight.
I found a pouch of Big League Chew earlier, and my jaw is worn out.
You did great, Peter.
Good night, perfect.
Aw, I just don't know what to do about this thing at work.
I Are we still talking about that? I mean, it's fine if we are, w-we just We talked about it before dinner and-and during dinner and after dinner.
No, you're right.
I'll be fine.
Good night, Peter.
(SIGHS): Oh.
I just want this promotion so bad.
Okay, so we are talking about it.
You know what? I'll make a vision board.
See my success and be my success.
My testosterone is so low I could not have thought of that.
Would you like me to put on our sleep ocean noises with an occasional shocking seagull screech? Yes, thanks.
I have a big day tomorrow.
Good night.
(OCEAN WAVES SLOSHING) (SEAGULL SCREECHES) Excuse me.
(CLEARS THROAT) May I have your attention, please? Now, I know you're all wondering who is going to get the big promotion, and I'm proud to announce that person is Smarmy Excuse me, where do I put this briefcase full of money? Uh, who are you? I'm president of Wine and Paint Night Incorporated.
Lois Griffin just landed my account through her wit, charm and professionalism.
Is that so? Well, in that case, the big promotion goes to Lois Griffin! - (CHEERING) - (FANFARE PLAYING) What can I say? I love my wife.
Eh, it's my show.
Why shouldn't this be me? 'Cause I'm the funny one.
Not on this show you're not.
Or am I? Ah, I thought we had one more face.
So, what did you think? And please keep in mind that your spontaneous comments will affect the jobs of hundreds of people.
Come on, you idiots, don't screw me.
The show is from a woman's perspective, but it still felt like it was written by a man.
Okay, well, what if I told you shut up? Yeah, kind of changes things, doesn't it? Anyone else? I'm sorry, I was scrolling through the weather in random cities.
Great! You're taking this very seriously.
You know what, I don't really get Family Guy.
What's so hard to get? You just need to have grown up in the '80s but still be a teenager.
So, based on that one episode featuring Lois, how many of you would likely watch a second? LOIS: Son of a bitch! Anything else? Huh, 76 in Santa Fe right now.
Hey, what's going on in that room? It's a focus group of Arby's executives watching us eat.
- Oh! - No way! - He ate it! - People will eat anything! 50 bucks says the fat girl eats a third Big Beef 'n Cheddar.
Who's on it? - Okay.
- I'll take that.
-You got it.
- Oh, come on, buddy.
- Don't do it.
Here she comes.
All right, kid, take your time.
- Yeah! - Gross! -Damn it! Many recent shows have found success by rebooting themselves as gritty supernatural teen dramas, like Teen Wolf or Riverdale, which are watched by as many as 6,000 people a year, so we thought a similar approach might work for Family Guy.
I'm guessing we're wrong, but let's find out for sure.
(SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) FEMALE SINGER: Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh It's a show for teens A sexy show for teens Something's not normal But what does normal mean In a world that's on fire? Hey, Goldman, great job with sports today.
Thanks, Chris.
We're almost ready for the important sports game.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Ruth.
Good gender-fluid shower? Great gender-fluid shower.
Dad, what are you doing here? Putting my gender fluid in the shower.
Also, I'm the town sheriff, but you don't find that out till later because it's not relevant to the story.
Chris, there you are.
Patty, what's wrong? Why aren't you in bitch class? It's your sister Meg.
She's dead.
(GASPS) I have to go.
Wait, where are you going? I'm gonna go to a club I'm too young to get into and listen to a band that's on a label owned by the same parent company as the network.
Hey, who left their gender fluid in the shower? (SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER RUMBLING) FEMALE SINGER: Sexy rain Sexy rain.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) So, what can I get for you sexy teens? Um, how's the vegetarian lasagne? Terrible, even at the best restaurants.
We'll have five of those.
It just doesn't make sense.
Who would want to kill Meg? Um, can we all be quiet? (CHUCKLES) We've been asked to nod our heads while the band plays the song our parent company is aggressively marketing.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) One of us is Richard Gere's kid Ooh One of us is Richard Gere's kid Ooh One of us is Richard Gere's kid.
I can't even with this.
I'm gonna go get some air and pebble-up my nipples.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (LOW GROWLING) (SLOW, DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) FEMALE SINGER: Interior club Moments later.
You guys, check it out.
Patty just got into the college for people with bright futures.
Oh, cool.
Is she still gonna major in "lot to live for"? Yep.
I think she's the one kid who's gonna get out of this sexy town.
(PATTY SCREAMS OUTSIDE) - Patty?! - I'll be right there.
I just have to drink a product- placement beverage first.
Peach Coke? Stop.
(HOWLING IN DISTANCE) - Patty! - Where are you? Patty, are you out here? Patty? Oh, I hope nothing happened to the most disposable member of our cast.
Guys, look! She's dead.
Boy, she she did stiffen up those nips, didn't she? Y'all ready for your lasagnas? - We're in the woods.
- (HOWLING IN DISTANCE) Guys, it's time to fire up our superpowers, because we're also lesser-known Marvel characters.
- (WHOOSHING) - (FANFARE PLAYS) And I'm your neighbor, who you didn't know was also a superhero, Captain Pedantic.
Are you here to protect Zac and I? Zac and me, but yeah.
(GROWLING) (GUNSHOT) Now is when you find out I'm the sheriff.
I'm laying on a pinecone.
(EXHALES) He means lying on a pinecone.
Now what happens? Now one of us will become a breakout movie star and leave the series, wrecking it for the rest of us.
Yay, it's me! - Sir, what did you think? - Pass.
Okay.
And how many of you would watch it if the girls were wearing white shirts and black bras? Peter, did you write the focus group questions? What? Course not.
"And if you're impressed by the size of "Alexander Skarsgard's penis, that doesn't make you gay, right?" - (POUNDING ON GLASS) - PETER: Answer him! I know you've been here all day, but it's not like you have jobs to go to, so I'm going to show you one more reboot idea.
Which Wi-Fi should we be logging onto? Glendale Galleria Public.
Yeah, that's what I've been trying.
Sometimes networks will cancel a show only to reboot it with less-popular characters from the original, while the more-popular actors go on to find greater success in movies or ugly public divorces.
(FAMILY GUY THEME PLAYING) On which we used to rely Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us He's a Fam ily Guy! TRICIA TAKANAWA: Family Guy Again is filmed before a live studio audience.
(PHONE RINGING) CHRIS: I'll get it.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Hello? Oh, hey there, Stewie.
Or should I say, "G'day, mate," since you're in Queensland, Australia, where you moved with Brian and Meg after Mom and Dad died? (LAUGHTER) Oh, married life is pretty good.
No, still no kids, but I've been practicing - a lot by myself.
- (LAUGHTER) Masturbating, yes.
Between you and me, I think Tricia might be barren.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Uh, Stewie, I better go.
Tricia's giving me that look.
(LAUGHTER) Okay, give my love to Brian and Meg, and hopefully we can come down there for the season finale.
No? You're just not gonna be a part of this at all? Okay, then.
Bye, Stewie.
Chris, I'm standing here in the living room because I need to talk to you about something very important.
Look, we've been through this.
It's my house, and I want to wear shoes in it.
Chris, I offer you a choice.
You can either continue wearing shoes in the house or continue having sex with this age-defying Eastern physique.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (CRICKETS CHIRPING) Chris, I'm lying here listening to you toss and turn, and wondering if there's something you'd like to discuss.
I don't know.
It's just, it's been so hard since Mom and Dad died and Joe moved in with all his big band records.
(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE) Joe! Chris, I'm lying here asking you to kick Joe out of the house.
What? He was my dad's best friend for 20 years.
I can't do that.
Chris, I offer you a choice.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Luckily, I'm the town windower.
For me, every day is a pane.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) FOCUS GROUP MEMBER: Can we please stop this? Yes? If I give you back my Diet Sprite, can I leave? How did you feel about the show? - I didn't like it.
- Could you be more specific? I just don't like the people or what they're saying or doing.
If you could sum up the show with one sound, what would it be? - "Blech.
" - For me, it was more like the last squirt of a plastic mustard bottle.
(BOTTLE SQUIRTS) Is that our mustard? No.
I always bring one with me in case the show is kind of (BOTTLE SQUIRTS) - Everybody, shut up! - Hey, it's that sheriff from The Q.
You people don't like anything.
Well, if you're all so smart, what do you want to see in a Family Guy reboot? Yes, unemployable neck tattoo guy.
It's a Bible verse.
Doesn't matter.
Anything above the Adam's apple means drugs.
I like Netflix.
Could you be Netflix? Yeah, Netflix is awesome.
Of course it's awesome; it's Netflix.
Look, we're stuck being Fox.
We have to deal with it, okay? - MAN: I watch Fox.
- No, you don't.
Nobody does.
Yeah, I like shows that are binge-worthy.
First of all, "binge-worthy" is not a word, it's a marketing tool.
You've been brainwashed, sir.
But fine.
We'll make Family Guy binge-worthy.
(DRAMATIC, PULSING MUSIC PLAYING) (DARK, GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) (BLOWS) (DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) See? Wasn't that terrible? All right, we only have the room till 6:00, so what else? - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - It's not 6:00 yet! What else?! Young Sheldon is good.
How about Young Family Guy? How about I murder your whole family? - What about BoJack Horseman? - Hard no.
- You'd get to be a horse.
- Hard yes.
- Normal words, but a horse guy.
- WOMAN: Can we please stop this? You just asked for specifically that.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR) - It's not 6:00! What else? - I like that Antiques Roadshow.
- Fine.
And you're saying this is? George Washington's poop.
That's correct.
I have some news you might not like.
The poop is only two weeks old.
What? How can you be sure? Well, for starters, there's a Skittle in it.
Ah, the general had a sweet tooth, huh? Um, that was horrible.
Eh, I'm gonna tweeze the Skittle out and go back in a week.
I like those Netflix stand-up specials.
Great.
Matter of fact, we filmed one back when I was an all-setup- no-punch-line comedian.
So, any of you out there have a futon? - Yeah, yeah, right? - (CHATTER, DISHES CLINKING) I Ubered here tonight.
(MAN COUGHING) Man, Starbucks.
Facebook, huh? And how about that new chip in credit cards? Anybody ever been to Georgia? The new iPhone is large.
(WOMAN COUGHING) EDM music.
MAN 1: Boo! You stink! MAN 2: Yeah! Dane Cook already did all these halves of jokes.
Hey, hey, this is my job.
I don't go down to Burger King.
That was terrible.
Netflix should make 800 more of those.
All right, what else? What else you guys want? I like that thing James Corden does: - Carpool Karaoke.
- I can do that.
Hi.
You having a good night? I did.
Just had a devil's three-way.
You know, me and two guys.
I think that's just gay sex.
Why are you telling me all this? Isn't this Taxicab Confessions? No, this is Carpool Karaoke.
We're about to sing an Adele song.
Oh, that's gay.
Pull over by this hot guy and let me out.
I thought I read you guys were phasing out gay jokes.
That quote was taken out of context and widely misunderstood.
All right, what's next, you sheep? I like the Olympics.
Can you guys be the Olympics? Well, NBC hogs all the good sports, so we'll get stuck with the boring ones that the announcers always have to keep apologizing for.
PETER: Welcome back to pairs diving.
And once again, we are so sorry for this.
Brian, anything to add? BRIAN: No, just our deepest condolences to a bored nation.
PETER: And we've got Lois down at the pool.
- Lois, anything? - No.
Guys, just so sorry that any of this is happening.
I-I mean, even once every four years seems like just way too much.
BRIAN: And they're up in the air, and now they're in the water.
PETER: What is it again? A splash is bad? BRIAN: Uh, yeah, I think so.
PETER: That's so stupid.
I'm sick of all the voices on your show.
- Can you change them up? - To who? I like Jon Benjamin voices.
Can you all be Jon Benjamin voices? - (ALL VOICED BY JON BENJAMIN): Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Quagmire.
- Hey, Cleveland.
Giggity.
(NORMAL VOICE): What can I get for you fellas? Nobody touches my voice.
(JON BENJAMIN'S VOICE): I liked all of that.
Um, except for the bartender.
Hey, guys, The Coffee Bean's Wi-Fi doesn't need a password.
Everyone, the reboot is off.
It turns out the executive who ordered it was just a squirrel who snuck into the office.
- What? - Yes.
But in fairness, it was the same squirrel who green-lit Brooklyn Nine-Nine, the show that challenged the notion that only attractive people can be on television.
So, what does that mean? It means Family Guy is just fine as it is.
(CHEERING) Well, the Family Guy reboot is off.
What other ideas do we have? (CHITTERING) Brooklyn Nine-Ten? It's possible this guy only has one idea.
(BOTTLE SQUIRTS) You know what, I'm glad, after all that, they let us keep the show the way it was.
Well, not exactly the way it was.
Hey, buddy, I brought over my big band records.
- They wanted more Joe.
- They wanted more Joe.
(GLENN MILLER'S "PENNSYLVANIA 6-5000" PLAYING) (PHONE RINGS) JOE: Your show should have more Joe Swanson.
(PHONE RINGS) JOE: Your show should have more Joe Swanson.