Family Guy s18e06 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Good evening, Quahog.
Our top story: a local Yankee fan's dream comes true when he's diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease.
But first Hey, the TV went out.
OTHERS: Huh.
Oh, my God, the Wi-Fi is out.
(SCREAMING, SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) Okay, everyone calm down.
I know how we'll get through this.
This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told, The Mighty Ducks.
It was a time of great nonsense.
Dad, why don't you tell us how you and Mom fell in love and got married? And in go the earbuds.
Terrific episode idea, Meg.
Well, it was the 1990s, the decade of Viagra but also Lorena Bobbitt, so it was kind of a yay-boo period for penises.
After graduating, your mom and me moved to the city with all our friends.
(90S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING) (FOUR CLAPS) I lived with my best friends, Quagmire and Cleveland.
We were the kind of friends who were all good-looking, except for David Schwimmer.
And your mom lived across the hall with her friends Bonnie and uh, Bonnie.
God, we desperately need to get more female characters in this show.
I was the Chandler.
Not because of my sarcastic zingers but because I liked to take 40 Vicodin a day.
Guys, I've got big news.
Tell 'em, Quagmire.
I got a promotion at Blockbuster! - (GASPING) - (CLAPPING FOUR TIMES) Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news! I know, right? You know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is a new gear! Well, congratulations, Glenn! This calls for a fountain dance.
(90S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING) PETER: I was the least graceful at fountain dancing.
I just swung my arms and tried to fit in.
It was senseless.
We were in our clothes, for God's sake.
Everyone got wet.
It was cold.
You know, there were originally nine friends, but three of 'em died of pneumonia.
I'm still haunted by Chad's shivering last words, "Don't let Monica get Botox.
" We also hung out at our favorite café, Perk Place, where we would all sweat like crazy 'cause everyone in the '90s wore turtlenecks, vests, and Jamiroquai hats.
Lois, you look down.
What's wrong? Brad Pitt broke up with me in a pretty public way.
I just don't know if I'll ever date again.
Wait, I thought you and Dad dated in high school.
Did you break up? Uh-uh, story's not over, Meg.
Settle down.
Your father and I had dated for a few years, but I didn't know if it was going anywhere.
So we decided to take a break but remained close friends.
I actually briefly dated one of our roommates, Barry.
He was one of them what the fountain took.
My father had planned out my whole life for me.
He wanted me to marry one of Quahog's up-and-comers, Tom Tucker, Elmer Hartman, Seamus or Billy Zane.
It's meeting the man of my dreams And then meeting his beautiful wife And isn't it ironic Don't you think? It's like rain On your wedding day.
Alanis Morissette was America's sweetheart in the '90s.
She went on to become one of the CDs in the garage.
CHRIS: Wait, Seamus had arms and legs? LOIS: Chris, I'm not sure you have the green light to just chime in whenever.
Lois, let's go take a midnight swim at Sharkbite Cove.
Oh, sounds wonderful, Seamus, but I have other plans.
Okay, well, I'm definitely going.
Peter, why don't you admit it? You still got the hots for Lois.
It's obvious.
Nah, we're broken up.
We're just friends now.
(FOUR CLAPS) Looking back, I realize he was right.
But the '90s was an exciting time, and we wanted to experience all it had to offer.
Hey, guys, there's a great concert in World Trade Center Plaza this weekend! Really? Who's playing? They got Korn, Cranberries and Cake.
Oh, that sounds delicious.
But who are the bands? They're opening with Cake.
Wait, shouldn't cake be last? It's a dessert.
Korn is last.
Korn is a bigger draw than Cake.
Corn is not a bigger draw than cake.
- Cake is delicious.
- "No Doubt"? Well, I'm glad you agree with me, Quagmire, but that still doesn't address this issue of the order.
My last show was a Weezer concert.
Well, that's 'cause everyone smokes nowadays.
What band did we see last time at the Palladium? It was, uh, Blur.
Yeah, I can't remember, either.
It was a very confusing time in music.
Okay, time for another scene.
Let's transition with a '90s guitar sting that's way too long.
(90S-STYLE SITCOM THEME PLAYING) (FOUR CLAPS) (FOUR CLAPS) - CHRIS: Dad, what - PETER: H-Hang on, Chris.
It's not done yet.
(MUSIC ENDS) Okay, there we go.
CHRIS: What'd you do for a living, Dad? PETER: What any of us did never really mattered.
It was just "vague business.
" But despite having broken up, I would sometimes sneak away to the Internet to go flirt with your mom.
Well, I'm gonna go move my bangs with my pinky in front of the mirror.
- AOL GUY: Welcome! - PETER: Shh, shh, shh, shh! - You've got mail! - Okay, good, but quiet.
You've got male porn! Shh, shh, shh! Peter, quit trying to flirt with that clearly girlfriend of yours and come watch giant box TV with us! PETER: We all watched The X-Files, which would be Fox's last hit show.
And it was the heyday of the multi-camera sitcom, and Paul Reiser, its king, was must-see.
Perhaps I'll try this yogurt.
That's been in there since our wedding.
(GROANS) Perhaps I won't.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Peter, admit it.
You're still in love with Lois.
Yeah, every time you see her, you go, "Schwing!" Which is, like, the sound of being lifted by a boner, I think.
Yeah, but we decided we wanted to see other people.
That's only 'cause she got tired of waiting around for you.
Look, she loves you, but she ain't gonna wait around forever.
I knew they were right.
Your mom was the only one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
So I saved my money, and, a few months later, I bought a ring.
So, did you enjoy your pesto with pesto? Does this smile give you your answer? Lois, there's something I want to ask you.
Will you marry me? Oh, Peter, I'm-I'm so sorry, but I'm already engaged to Tom Tucker.
Passed over for Tom Tucker? That's terrible.
What do you think of that, fellow '90s star Joey Lawrence? - Meh.
- Oh.
Huh.
Okay, well, what would you think if I told you that Blossom would completely drop out of show business to get a PhD in neuroscience and then come back and make $15 million a year, while you would work steadily for 20 years, lose all your hair and go bankrupt? - Whoa! - (CHUCKLES): There it is! Yeah, that's the That's the thing I wanted.
Where's Dad? AOL GUY: You've got male porn! Peter, get in here and finish the story! Sorry, I was just watching some guy take it in the AOL.
- Goodbye.
- All right, where were we? Mom just said she got engaged to Tom Tucker? Well, deep down, I knew I loved your father, but I guess I just caved to my father's pressure.
And on my 28th birthday, he introduced me to my future husband.
(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC ENDS) (HIGH-PITCHED): He's your king-to-be A king to be forever A king who'll do whatever Her Highness Desires He's your king-to-be Thanks, Ollie.
Good afternoon, Lois.
I'm Tom Tucker, your king-to-be.
In other news, President Clinton sent me a congratulatory cigar, but it's a little moist.
PETER: Well, I wasn't gonna give up that easily.
So I decided I was gonna do the most powerful thing you could do in the '90s: make a mixtape.
Again, Peter, it's your mixtape, but you've got "Cotton Eye Joe" as song number two, number four, seven and eight.
You think it should be number three as well? No! I made it number three as well.
Oh, Peter, I got to say, the fourth and fifth time I heard "Cotton Eye Joe," it really got to me.
LOIS: I was so happy.
I knew Peter was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
But I dreaded having to tell my father.
Luckily, he was remarkably understanding about it.
I've decided to be remarkably understanding about this.
- Really? - Yes.
And to prove it, I'm going to pay for Peter's bachelor party at the MTV Beach House.
And I promise it's not part of a ruse to destroy your affection for Peter once and for all.
Oh, Daddy, thank you! PETER: I was thrilled.
Not only was Carter letting me marry Lois, but this was gonna be the ultimate bachelor party.
The MTV Beach House was located in the most hepatitis-rich part of Florida, known as Florida.
Whassup?! (CHUCKLES) Commercials.
No skipping those yet.
We partied the same way everyone in the '90s did, spaced apart by a few feet, dancing on our own.
JOE: Yeah, I was pretty much the coolest guy there.
With the best legs.
There were these other idiots there having a bachelor party, but I didn't know 'em.
They were losers.
- PETER: Joe? - JOE: Who's that? Peter? PETER: Yeah, get out of my story.
What the hell are you doing? JOE: I'm telling the story of my days at the MTV Beach House.
You get out of my story! I'm about to tell how I met Daria.
So, you partying hard or hardly partying? Hardly interested.
You're mean! (DARIA THEME PLAYING) La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la.
PETER: I even got to meet my heroes, Mark McGrath, Pauly Shore and Jamie Kennedy, and we became friends.
Guys, come be in my wedding.
Then we can all enter the 2000s together as friends.
Sorry, Peter, but we can't go with you.
We're not allowed in the 2000s.
Yeah, we have to stay back here in the '90s.
- Goodbye, Peter.
- PETER: And then, they all walked into the sea and disappeared forever.
Tell the world about us! PETER: I planned to, but then I found a half-eaten hot dog that only had a little bit of sand on it.
And most of the sand was very brushable.
You can pretty much wash a hot dog with soap and water, and you can still eat it.
I danced for eight hours straight on The Grind, occasionally going into the pool to pee.
Also, for some reason, I was the only guy - a bee was following the whole time.
- (BUZZING) Maybe it was 'cause of the Country Time Lemonade powder I'd been eating, or 'cause me and Quagmire were huckin' Capri Suns at each other.
But little did I know, while I was dancing and periodically peeing in the pool, Carter was orchestrating a plan to destroy my relationship with your mom once and for all.
Hey, you're Daisy Fuentes.
Oh, that's how I say my last name.
You're the hottest girl of 1990-this.
I've got a proposition for you.
(WHISPERING) Hey, there.
You're all that and a bag of chips.
What a cool phrase.
I hope it never sounds dumb and dated.
(BOTH GRUNT) (CROWD CHEERING, WHISTLING) (DAISY GRUNTING) Look, Peter's wrestling with Daisy Foo-en-taze! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BOTH GRUNTING) (DAISY GRUNTS) PETER: It all happened so fast.
Oh.
We're having fun 'cause it's not 9/11 yet.
Mmm.
PETER: But the next thing I knew, I was kissing Daisy Fuentes.
And it was on national television.
LOIS: I was home doing what girls did at the time Looking at pictures of John Elway.
(SIGHS) My horse-toothed dreamboat.
Denver looks beautiful.
(GASPS) Peter?! How could you?! LOIS: My heart shattered the moment I saw it.
I took your father's mixtape and hucked it into the ocean.
Right then and there, I vowed I would never see him again.
(LAUGHS) She said "wood.
" (LAUGHS) That was cool.
Yeah.
Wood! Wood! You're right! Wood.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (LAUGHTER) Daddy, tell us more about the black '90s.
Well, Magic Johnson got AIDS, and I was like, "What?!" But then, he came back the next season and scored 30 points in a game where no one would touch him.
And he caught it through heterosexual sex contact? Well, that is magic.
(LAUGHS) Terrific.
Thank you, Cleveland.
And thank you to the entire Brown family, whose last name escapes me at the moment.
(LAUGHS) Terrific.
Thanks, Dad.
Now back to your story.
I had just lost the love of my life.
So as a way to forget my pain, I threw myself into a dot-com startup with Quagmire.
We were two ambitious young entrepreneurs at the height of the dot-com bubble.
Oogle? Goo goo? Gah-gah goo? Gee-gee goo? Go go go? Keep saying baby words, Peter.
You're onto something.
We're close.
We're circling it! Goo-goo gah-gah? Oo oogle? Ooh eee ooh ah ah? Moments late, we'd found a business idea destined to change the tech world forever: Googoogle.
A search engine for all the info on the Goo Goo Dolls.
People are always gonna need information about them! PETER: We were on our way.
We rented office space, and watching it gave us the idea to rent office space.
(LAUGHS) Lumbergh.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Uh, clearly, we hadn't discussed the, uh, tone of our work environment.
I should say we haven't.
I thought this was to be a place of business.
We got over our initial differences, and then spent the rest of the day doing what everybody did in the '90s Debating what was better Forrest Gump or Pulp Fiction.
Forrest Gump is ridiculous! One guy does what he's told all the time and makes millions.
But a girl goes off, tries to be different, gets AIDS, and dies! I find your argument shallow and pedantic.
I didn't see either one.
I saw Ace Ventura 50 times.
Laughed so hard, I crapped myself in the theater.
Just thinking about it now makes me (LAUGHS) - (LOUD FLATULENCE) - Ow! LOIS: Meanwhile, my wedding plans with Tom Tucker were back on.
Are you ready? I can't believe the wedding is just two scenes away.
What's wrong, sweetie? I guess I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
What if this is a mistake? Trust me, you're doing the right thing.
It's gonna be great.
Now, listen, we don't have too much time before the wedding, so I want to go over something regarding the father-daughter dance.
It goes, "Dallah-hollah wallah-ballah-dallah Macarena, wakka-lakka-chakka-hakka-bakka Macarena.
" Daddy, I don't think "The Macarena" is the best father-daughter dance.
Well, how about another song from the '90s? Casey would waltz with the strawberry blonde And the band played on What? Wrong '90s? PETER: Like everything stupid in the '90s, Googoogle took off.
We celebrated in grand dot-com bubble fashion: by having an outrageous yacht party with lobster fights and hookers.
We did Ecstasy, which was terrible for you, and only ever made me feel fantastic.
Kids, don't do it.
It's too awesome.
They said it would burn a hole in your brain, - but show me the hole.
- LOIS: Peter, that's enough.
PETER: If you hate pure, unconditional love and experiencing the profound harmony of the universe, definitely do not try this drug.
There's also, like, a 90% chance you'll hook up, but really, no, don't do it.
Even if you don't hook up, you don't care.
But you'll hook up, guaranteed.
LOIS: Okay, Peter, let's move on.
CHRIS: And what was the name of that drug? PETER: But despite our success, something was missing.
Peter, we did it! What's the matter? You still sad about Brandon Lee? Yeah.
I never heard of him before he died, but when he died, it was so sad.
But also, it's Lois.
She's getting married tomorrow.
Somehow, all this success feels meaningless, knowing I'm about to lose her forever.
Peter, then you need to stop that wedding before it's too late.
But we've got a business to run.
You don't care about this business.
All you've ever cared about is Lois.
This is your last shot.
Peter, you get to that wedding.
PETER: They were right.
So I decided to get there the way everyone got around in the '90s Propelled by an explosion.
(LOUD EXPLOSION) (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) Do you, Lois Commondenominator Pewterschmidt, accept this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? (ALL GASPING) Peter? What the hell are you doing here?! Lois, can I talk to you privately? (LOUD EXPLOSION) What is it, Peter? Before you marry Tom, what's the Mortal Kombat blood code? I keep forgetting.
It's "A-B-A-C-A-B-B," but you can't do this now! You're ruining my wedding! Lois, if I didn't come here, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
I know I screwed up, and I don't deserve you, but I can't stop thinking about you, day and night.
It's been this way since the day we met.
I fell in love with you then, and I'll never stop.
Unless Daisy Fuentes felt something? DAISY: Uh, I didn't.
Lois, you're the only woman for me.
He cheated on you! No daughter of mine is going to marry a cheater! Daddy's right.
Peter, I'm sorry, but you blew it.
I was in love with you, too, but then you cheated on me.
You kissed Daisy Fuentes.
Lois, there's something you should know.
He didn't kiss me.
I kissed him.
Because you felt something? Because Carter paid me.
Well, that's something! Daddy is that true? I only did it to protect you from making a huge mistake! Lois, I may not be as smart or as handsome as the guys your dad wants for you, but I love you more than all of 'em put together.
That's a fact.
Just as sure as the Star Wars movies are a perfect isolated trilogy, unmarred by additional canon.
Oh, Peter! (ORGAN PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH") - Damn it, stop them! - PETER: One by one, members of Lois' family tried to stop me, but I laid 'em out.
There's something about punching someone - in a church that just feels good.
- (YELLING) (BELL TOLLING) (LOUD EXPLOSION) Cleveland picked us up in a white Bronco.
(TIRES SQUEALING) Why did you have a white Bronco, Daddy? I was driving my innocent friend O.
J.
and his ex-wife's head down to Mexico.
PETER: We eloped at Fenway Park, which I paid 50 grand to rent out the day before the dot-com bubble burst.
I now pronounce this the last straight marriage.
- (BOTH MOANING) - PETER: And I think I got swindled on the Fenway deal because there was a game that night.
- (BAT CLACKS) - STADIUM ANNOUNCER: It's a hit! No! That would have been the game-winning run! The Red Sox lose.
ALL: Boo! LOIS: I was having serious regrets about my decision, but was already pregnant with Meg, so there was no backing out.
ALL: Boo! (BEE BUZZING) This bee's chasing me! Somebody call Ace Ventura! - (LAUGHS) - (LOUD FLATULENCE) Ow! (BOTH LAUGHING) (ALL THREE LAUGHING) Aw.
Wow, Mom and Dad.
I feel like I learned so much tonight.
And not just about you guys, but also about the '90s.
Oh, there's a lot more to learn about the '90, Meg.
Like, for instance, are you familiar with a band called "Counting Crows"? I think I might have heard them in a Starbucks.
Yes, you have.
Anyway, their lead singer is this thing called Adam Duritz.
He looks like if Marc Maron had sex with a scarecrow and gave birth to a baby made of hemp.
I always thought he looked like the Cowardly Lion in a suburban white high school production of The Wiz.
- That's not what that is? - No, Chris.
But actually, the joke's on us, because this Sideshow Bob burnout slept with a primo roster of '90s tail.
- Jennifer Aniston.
- No.
- Courteney Cox.
- What?! - Winona Ryder.
- That guy?! Christina Applegate, Lara Flynn Boyle, Emmy Rossum.
Ooh, this is just making me angry.
- Mary-Louise Parker.
- I hear she's difficult.