Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s18e06 Episode Script

Oh, it's going to be one of them days, is it? What do you want? Happy Birthday! It's not me birthday.
It could be.
Don't go away.
I've got a proposition.
I don't want your propositions.
Just listen! That's all I'm asking.
Take the flowers.
I don't want them.
I can't accept gifts from strange men.
Take one flower and I'll bring the rest tomorrow night when it's quiet and cosy.
Oh! Come on, my little Tweety Pie! Tha knows I'm not the marrying kind but I might consider something with visiting privileges.
You don't miss the army, do you? I don't suppose it misses me.
Then, you were only in for the war.
It seemed long enough at the time.
I don't know how I managed to tear myself away(!) I stayed on as a regular but it was never the same after the war finished.
No, you miss the excitement and the challenge.
It's the little things you miss - the comradeship and and brewing tea up in your little slit trench.
The cough of a dying sentry.
I suppose the time has come for me to face it.
You're going to get new trousers? I'm not going to get new trousers.
I hardly call that facing it.
That's the trouble with your trousers.
Any minute you expect to be facing it! It's more serious than trousers.
There's not much more serious than your trousers.
It's Nora Batty.
Yes, well, that IS serious.
I'm getting nowhere with Nora Batty.
Well, that must be a relief.
I've half a mind to try and forget hercompletely.
You mean like her husband used to do? Well, she's not the only attractive bird.
Trouble is, she's the only one living next door.
It must be terrible when the mind goes.
Well, I expect he's used to it.
I've a good mind to go back to my first love.
What? Social security? Audrey Mottershaw! But that was at school! So? Well, have you seen her since school? Well, tha knows how things are! Tha drifts apart.
That's some drift.
You've kept it all this time.
You're just an old sweetie, aren't you? I am, Norm.
Are we talking about BIG Audrey Mottershaw? GBH in a gymslip.
We had this big thing going.
Yes, she used to beat you up.
Couldn't keep her hands off me.
She were lovely.
She was horrible.
Aye, well, all right, but I mean she were nearly lovely.
Well, which one's her? That one.
That's Billy Cinders.
Never! Just imagine! All these years you've been in love with Billy Cinders! How do you propose to find her? I mean, you don't know where she lives or what she looks like.
I know what she looks like.
Oh, no, you know what she used to look like.
I'd recognise her anywhere.
She'll be kneeling on somebody's chest.
Yes, she was very mature, even at school, wasn't she? Didn't her voice break before ours? Serve thee right if I end up with Audrey Mottershaw! Or even Billy Cinders! Mottershaw? Audrey Mottershaw? She were in tha class at school.
Did she always have a mucky neck? No, that was him.
A girl with a mucky neck! No, that was Ruby Milburn.
How do you remember Ruby Milburn so well? She had a crush on me.
It's true! She used to walk him home.
Didn't she? Only as far as Arnold Street.
Lord, the things you miss when you're a milk monitor.
Norman Clegg! The way she fancied thee and tha never went any further with her than Arnold Street.
Never mind me.
What about Audrey Mottershaw? Ooh! Yeah, that's her.
Ooh, I remember now! Big AudreyMottershaw! Where do they live? I know where they used to live.
But they pulled it down.
Oh.
Well, that's her! That's Audrey Mottershaw! SHE probably pulled it down! Fancy pulling her house down.
How do I find out where she lives now? You probably won't.
It's too long ago.
I'm going to try.
You're a little demon, aren't you? She may not even live round here any more.
I'm going to find her.
You are! You're just an old romantic.
I'm getting nowhere with Nora Batty, Norm.
And I've got to do summat about my love life before I'm past me peak.
Judging by those trousers, you've a peak or two left.
Couldn't you advertise in Wrestlers Weekly or Rugby News? Even if you find her, she may not remember you.
Rubbish! Ah, well, if she thinks of rubbish she might remember you.
I'm going to find her, Norman.
I'm going to find Audrey Mottershaw.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
She's probably not even called Mottershaw any more.
Not a Mottershaw? Of course not.
She'll have changed her name if she got married.
Listen.
If she knelt on his chest, her husband could be called Mottershaw.
No, no.
She'll have a different name entirely.
Like what? How should I know? I'm just trying to tell you, it won't be easy.
Somebody must know if she got married.
Yes, well, who do we know that takes a keen interest in who marries who, who nearly married who or might've married who, except they got lucky? Nora Batty.
The Yorkshire Encyclopaedia Of Wedlock, Courtship And Whispers And Rumours.
Just a minute! I can't ask Nora Batty to help me find another woman.
On second thoughts, though - that'd serve her right.
She might be delighted.
Hmm, she might even smile.
Give over! I'm breaking her heart.
Comes a time when a man has to be rock hard.
Are you sure you want to disturb Nora Batty? Wouldn't it be wiser to drop her a postcard? I've got a good reason! Hmm.
And I've got a good reason for staying well out of your way.
She can't bite thee.
Ah! Ruby Milburn did.
When? Where did she bite thee? Behind the bicycle shed.
She claimed she had healing teeth.
She could cure warts.
A sort of pioneer of acupuncture? Entirely self-taught.
He's lying.
Go and ring Nora's bell.
I don't know what the fuss is about.
Now, get away! That's what all the fuss is about.
It's a deadly brush.
Powerful as the bite of Ruby Milburn.
She always does that the first time, but the second time she knows tha's serious and tha's not messing about.
Keep away! The THIRD time she knows tha's serious and tha's not messing about.
Well, what do you want? Well? Speak up! Listen! Who married Audrey Mottershaw? Mottershaw? Mottershaw? She was in your class.
Did she have a mucky neck? No, that was Ruby Milburn.
That's the one! She was related to 'im who came by with firewood.
They were cousins.
He 'ad family in 'Uddersfield.
He kept chickens.
He had a lad with impetigo.
He used to paint 'im purple and he turned out brightest of the lot! Nowwho married Audrey Mottershaw? It was a Duffield from Headley Terrace! Tha's a good lass, Nora! Where's Headley Terrace? Oh, they pulled it down.
There she goes again! Everywhere Audrey Mottershaw goes, she pulls it down.
At least she didn't have a mucky neck.
Fancy being bitten by a mucky neck.
She swore it wasn't contagious.
Congratulations! Congratulations! You with the dog! Excuse me? Congratulations.
You're a winner.
A winner? Yes.
Come inside.
Get your gift.
Why me? You're the hundredth person.
Every hundredth person who passes by wins a gift.
How can you afford that? Oh, everybody asks that.
Let's say it gives me pleasure and it's worth it for the advertising.
There's no advertising like word of mouth.
What size gift? Come inside - have a look.
What about the dog? Oh, bring the dog! We're an equal opportunities establishment.
There's eight Duffields.
Write 'em down.
What do you think I'm doing? Eight Duffields.
She must be one of them.
Maybe you'll find one you like better.
I've got me mind set on an Audrey.
Ah! What are we looking at? Hello, Eli.
Is it interesting? Dead boring.
Well, there we are then.
Eight Duffields.
Did tha write them all down? Calm yourself, I wrote them all down.
I wonder if she's changed.
It's to be hoped she's stopped kneeling on people.
I hope you're going to change before we go looking for her.
I am.
I'm going to smarten myself up.
She'll not recognise you if you smarten yourself up.
I don't care.
You have to make an effort.
"You're a winner"! The wife'll go mad when she knows what it cost! The old witch even sold something to the dog! Come on, that man! I'm coming! HE CLOMPS DOWN THE STAIRS Oh! Ta-tee-ta-ta Ta-ta-ta-tee Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tee.
It's Yves St La Ferret.
You look ridiculous.
The lapels aren't bad.
I like the lapels.
It is the best of my wardrobe.
I don't know.
Oh, we'll find you something.
Well, Clegg will.
I can't wear Cleggy's old suit! It's old-fashioned.
Oh, it's true.
It was old-fashioned when I got it.
I like old-fashioned.
It's smarter than what you've got.
I can't go courting feeling old-fashioned.
This is a big moment for me.
I've got to make a big first impression.
You usually do.
Howard's about your size.
Howard's a midget.
He's a big midget! What do you lot want? It's funny you should say that, Howard What chest is he? Never mind going technical.
Find him an old suit.
When he says old suit he means SMART suit.
You're getting very finicky about whose suit you borrow.
It could be a big day for me, Norm.
For me and Audrey both.
Let's not get maudlin.
There's only an old one I used to wear in me wilder days.
You had WILDER days, Howard? You know what it's like to be young and fashionable.
Fashionable sounds right, Howard.
We'll settle for that one, Howard.
Fashionable? Fashionable sounds good.
Just be careful with it.
We'll take care of it, Howard.
It'll be under my personal supervision.
I like the style.
I'm glad something suits.
He's very picky.
You feel rejected when somebody turns down your suit.
Especially somebody like him.
Don't knock it.
If anyone needs to get more dressy, it's him.
It's a bit tight.
Well, don't fasten the buttons.
That's reckless advice.
I hope he meant the jacket, not the trousers.
Don't fasten the buttons if it's the jacket we're talking about.
Ho-ho-ho! You really were WILD in those days, Howard.
DRUM ROLL It's the old Bo Do-diddly-bo-bo.
I like the style, kid.
Yeah, fits like a glove.
Pity it doesn't fit like a suit.
Ye gods! Did I ever look like that? It's a bit of class, is this - ba-da-ba-dooby.
# Boo, boo, bip, ba, boo-ba-dee # Boo, boo-de-le, boo, be-boo-dee # Boo, boo # When did you go through a period like this? I thought everybody did.
Not everybody, Howard.
# A touch of the old Bo Diddley # Mind me velvet collar! That'll be number 12.
Mind Howard's velvet collar! To tell the truth, I'm hot under the collar myself - now it's close.
My Audrey could be behind that door.
Well, go and find out.
I will! I will! I'm going! I'm going.
Now what? It's not the place.
I got a gut feeling.
You're chickening out! You'll get used to chickening out.
I did.
I can't go barging up to the front door like the rent man just in case Audrey's there.
It's why you came.
It's not fair.
Presenting myself after all these years without warning.
I don't want to damage her emotion-er-rally.
Ye gods! He wants someone to go for him.
You want me to see if Audrey lives there! I knew tha were a good lad sometimes.
All right, stay here and mind Howard's velvet collar.
A-hem! Er I'm looking for the lady of the house.
That's not my Audrey! What's he dressed up for? He's heading for romance.
He looks a bit shook up.
Well, er He's heading FROM romance.
Everything suddenly went black.
With lace trimmings.
Now, look Wesley, we want a lift to that address.
It's miles away! That is why we want the lift.
The answer's no! Hang on, Wesley.
It's the last on the list.
We're looking for Audrey Duffield, nee Mottershaw.
Audrey Mottershaw? Didn't she have a mucky neck? No, that was Ruby Milburn.
She were HIS bird.
She had the mucky neck.
Only at the back.
Mottershaw? Didn't she used to kneel on your chest? That's the one, yeah.
Showed us all how to shave.
What's he want to see her for? Because Well, we think he's going insane.
I'm getting nowhere with Nora Batty.
At least she doesn't kneel on your chest.
Isn't life wonderful, hmm? Even Nora Batty has her good points.
I'll get the Landrover! She was always heavy with her pastry.
That lodger got too much attention.
I never knew that! I should have known.
When you neglect pastry, it's a bad sign.
Look where you're going, Mother! No good comes of it.
When passion's spent, there's always pastry.
What's the point of doing good pastry? They go off, anyway! They come back for decent pastry.
MINE never went off! Ah, no! He had certain advantages for not going off.
You'd have killed him! Mother! Does tha think she'll recognise me? No chance.
I can't recognise you.
Don't get too excited.
You've no room for getting too excited.
I mean, it may not be her when we get there.
It's the last Duffield.
What are you doing with this lot? I'm dropping some stuff off for Auntie Wainwright.
Where do you think you're going? YOU ride in the back.
Why can't I ride in the front? It's all greasy and oily in there.
You see how he looks after you.
The next right, Mother.
Are you sure? The next right! I meant the next ROAD on the right, Mother! Now she tells me! I've had enough of this.
I'm getting inside.
Why is there never a man when you want one? It's so rarely you need one.
We don't need a man.
We just need a bit more shove.
I never thought of you as needing a bit more shove.
Is it in the right gear, Mother? Don't ask me technical questions - you'll have to ask your father! Ooh! Ow! Argh! BANGING AND THUMPING Help! Help! Help! Let me out! Open the door! Oh! Oh dear! Where the hell am I? Look at the state I'm in! Listen.
Don't worry how you look.
It's the wrong Duffield.
What? I've just been told.
Audrey Mottershaw that was went to Canada.
Who says? She went to Canada.
If you'd asked me I could have told you she'd gone to Canada.
Now she tells me! What WAS he doing in a wardrobe?! Is he all right? She cares! She cares! Tha better take care of me, kid.
Tha nearly lost me to Audrey Mottershaw.