Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s18e07 Episode Script

What are you using? Mmm? Oh Have you tried this? I find it leaves fewer streaks.
But does it go on easy? No problem.
Yours is dearer than mine.
You get what you pay for.
Ye gods, I'm standing here wearing an apron discussing window cleaning fluids! A thing like this could alter your whole metabolism! You don't tell anybody.
Your secret's safe with me, Cleggy.
TAPE PLAYS A JAZZY VERSION OF "Last Of The Summer Wine" Theme Get something on! I've got something on.
Not the something you should have on in front of a lady.
Well, tha'd better look upon it as an old tracksuit.
Not the kind of track you'd find a lady on.
What DO you think you're doing anyway? Oh! I'm getting fit.
You've left it a bit late, haven't you? What are you getting fit for? I haven't a clue.
But doesn't it do tha heart good to know that if anything goes wrong tha's got a neighbour next door in the peak of physical condi Condition.
Here, get hold of this.
I were going to buy Nora Batty some perfume but all she ever uses is detergent and bathroom cleaner.
Buy her some bathroom cleaner.
What brand? Since when could you afford bathroom cleaner? A man has to make sacrifices for those he loves.
You know what your problem will be if ever you go senile No-one's going to notice.
He thinks I'm crackers, Norm.
Ah, well, only in the head.
I bet your elbow's quite sane.
I bet you're quite sane in the elbow.
You're both crackers.
What about him, then? What's he doing? It's none of our business.
Then we ought to find out.
I agree.
I think we should follow him.
What's he think he's doing? Well, he's obviously checking on something.
Bodies.
If it's bodies, I don't want to know.
Why should it be bodies? Why should he be looking for bodies? Some people do.
Look at all the old Egyptians they keep digging up.
Well, they won't find many Egyptians round here.
He's got no shovels any road.
I'm always wary of people with shovels.
Before you know it, they've got you digging.
Interesting area - full of possibilities.
There's Nora Batty for a start.
We wondered what you were looking for.
And wondering if we could be of any assistance.
Make sure he hasn't got a shovel.
Well, you could get me down from this wall.
Er, look, put your foot on him.
Why me? Well, somehow you're more suitable.
Would you hold the instrument? Do be careful.
It's my own invention.
What is it? What is it? It's brilliant, that's what it is.
And they said I was mad.
Who said tha were mad? Mainly our Derek.
I think I'm with their Derek.
He hates me being brilliant.
Yeah, people do.
I've noticed that.
It looks like a cuckoo clock.
That's just what our Derek said.
Technical cretin! It's a magnetometer.
I knew it! Immediately I saw if I said to myself - that is a Uttoxeter.
What's it for? Are we alone? Alone? There are four of us.
We're nearly a small crowd.
Especially him.
He's nearly a small crowd on his own.
I am, Norm.
Chatter, chatter.
Let the man continue! What my magnetometer is for and I tell you this in the strictest confidence.
Oh, rest easy .
.
security is a byword with me.
It's a device that I have perfected over a number of years for locating the hidden forces.
Not bodies? It's nothing to do with bodies.
And tha don't need a shovel? Ignore them.
Please go on.
What kind of hidden forces? The mysterious forces which underlie the universe.
Oh! Council taxes.
No.
I mean the hidden energies.
The powers.
Where the lines flow.
The magnetic hot spots.
Just a minute.
How does tha know when tha's found em? Because this thing gives off a signal.
Oh! Well, could you give us a demonstration? Oh, certainly.
LOUD, HIGH-PITCHED WHINE They go every year.
And back she comes looking brown.
She goes everywhere looking brown.
She never has a minute.
She has so many places to go to - JUST to look brown.
He never took his first wife anywhere.
Well, I say anywhere, I think they went to Blackpool.
People should have more respect for each other than to go to Blackpool! My Wally once took me in the motorbike and sidecar.
Ah, well, yes, in those days you DID.
People DID go to Blackpool.
We went up the tower.
I remember my Wally got quite excited.
Your Wally was excited? Yes.
Well, he found he could see where he'd parked his motorbike.
Ah-ha! Now, if tha's looking for personal magnetism, here's someone that will get tha dynamo going.
Keep away! Get away! Can I borrow your Uttoxeter? What have you got? What is it? Oooh, I've got something here.
Go and sit down! Ouch.
Magnetism comes in big lumps round here.
Fetch your father in.
Oh, just a minute! Put that down.
Oh, Mother! I'm surprised you let me father in to sleep! Oh, he's all right.
He's used to it.
In fact, these days, he isn't comfy unless he's standing on newspaper.
Weslah! Weslah! WESLEY! Get yourself in! HIGH-PITCHED WHINE OF MACHINE Did you see them? Which way did they go? Oh, no problem! That way! Stand there.
And don't move.
Where? There.
Page three.
That'll do.
I could do with a change sometimes.
It was on page three yesterday.
Now, listen and pay attention - this afternoon is the church outing.
I know.
I'm looking forward to it.
It's the one time I get some peace.
Hard lines, Father.
And you're going! I'm going?! I reckon he's barmy.
In the nicest possible way.
The older you get, the more you appreciate barmy.
He's not doing it systematically.
Can you go barmy systematically? I can't bear to see inefficiency.
Hey up! When it comes to buying a round I've never met anyone more inefficient at getting money out.
That's not inefficiency, that is caution.
Unlike you, I don't believe in throwing money about.
Throwing? Tha hardly gives it a nudge.
Nothing.
Very low on magnetism round here.
Hey up! Speak for tha self.
If you wouldn't mind a little professional advice He sounds just like our Derek.
Maybe I shouldn't ask, but what happens when you find a centre of magnetism? You form a power circle.
I knew I shouldn't have asked.
No.
I'm interested in power.
What kind of a circle? You hold hands in a circle, distributing the power.
Like "ring a ring o' roses, all fall down"? Not like "ring a ring o' roses, all fall down".
It's a power circle.
I'm not holding hands with people.
I'm a trained killer.
What are people gonna think if they see me holding hands with people? They'll think you're a very friendly trained killer.
I'd never be invited to the regimental reunions ever again.
The regular driver's off sick so you will have to drive the bus.
Cheer up.
It's only a church outing.
It's not like being called up.
It feels like I've been called up for something.
Oh, if it feels like that, yes, you've been conscripted! By 12 o'clock, I want you in a presentable condition.
Though looking at the state of you, that'll take some time.
Start now! I'm halfway through an engine.
We can see that.
Half of it's on your overalls.
So, get 'em off! And let's have you in that bath! It's terrible what can happen when you least expect it.
The circle has always been a source of power.
It were the back row of the stalls when I were a lad.
Throughout history primitive man used to dance and go round in circles.
And modern man is still going round in circles.
But why do we have to hold hands? To complete the circle.
But holding hands doesn't appeal instantly to the military mind.
I mean, dammit, it's not natural.
I mean, hands are for chopping, and strangling.
And trying to open items sealed in plastic.
Right! Now tha's found a place for the Uttoxeter Magnetometer! All right, please tha self.
We've formed a circle, we're holding hands, then what? Your system gets flooded with the power.
Well, his won't.
It'll flood through the holes in his trousers.
He'll have his wellies flooded with power.
I hope it won't interfere with my prospects of marriage.
It's something that happens internally at the molecular level.
Oh, the old molecular level.
You'll not feel a thing.
So we're standing there flooded with power at the molecular level What's it supposed to do? Well - and you can laugh as much as you like - I'm telling you this is good for general debility, rheumatism, hair loss and warts.
Did anybody with general debility, rheumatism, hair loss and warts ought to be holding hands with people? Has tha got owt for picking the gee-gees? I can't speak any louder.
I shouldn't be speaking at all.
Sometimes I terrify myself with how reckless I am.
I suppose I've always been the type to throw caution to the wind.
DOOR CLICKS Well? What are you doing dressed like that? Well, it's quite obvious you like "dressed like that".
So, right, get your coat.
Wh-wh-wh-where are we going? You're taking me out.
You're going to be seen out with ME for a change.
You can't go out like that! You're a married woman! Oh, it embarrasses you when I do it, does it? Yes, it does.
Well, tough! Get your coat! Will it hurt? It doesn't hurt! Not even at a molecular level? It doesn't hurt! Do I look the type who'd go around inflicting pain? Except on our Derek.
You don't mind pain, do you? I DO.
I really dislike pain.
When you've been wounded as often as I have, you get used to it.
I want a cast-iron guarantee this is not going to interfere with my sexual magnetism.
Hey up.
You can break that up.
I'm not having that in here.
Out! This is a friendly pub, but not that friendly.
Out! When I said we were going for a walk together, I meant TOGETHER.
Together means being TOGETHER! I wish you'd get something on.
You're not embarrassed when it's somebody else, are you? I don't know what you mean.
Somebody with skirts up to her nostrils.
I don't know anyone like that.
How do, Howard.
Hello, Eli.
How do, Marina.
There he goes again.
No system.
I don't know.
He's doing all the walking, I'm here on a park bench.
That's not a bad system.
THA is a system I can really handle.
Get your feet off.
People sit on that bench.
Give over, pigeons crap all over it.
The last thing tha need worry about are my feet.
Well, I don't know though.
If it's a choice between pigeon poo and your feet, that's a tough decision.
Well, it's not tough for me, I'll go for the pigeons every time.
I'm wasting me time here.
It's a magnetic desert.
I'm beginning to think Yorkshire's got a flat battery.
Well, you're not covering enough ground.
It's too much for one man.
Now, if the four of us linked up, we'd cover four times the ground.
You call THIS together? I-I-It's nearly together.
It's going to be nearlier together.
Hold me 'and! You can't walk about in public holding your wife's hand.
I don't see why not! I-I-It's not civilised! I-I-It's very unusual.
You'd better get used to it.
Nobody round here walks about holding hands.
I never felt easy with her choice of wallpaper.
It was him I used to notice.
He used to stare! They say he's good with a strimmer.
I'd have made him sit facing the wall.
When we had visitors anyway What's Edie doing with Wesley? Lift your legs, lift your legs! It feels funny.
Of course it feels funny.
It's a suit.
You're allergic to suits.
Whatever's the matter with Wesley? It's not Wesley, it's the suit.
Keep walking! Who said to stop walking? It's so long since he had it on, it's lost its circulation.
Keep walking, it needs the exercise.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE I've got one! It's here! Oh, it's here! I've got one.
There's one here.
Make a note of where we are.
One day soon people will be flocking round here.
They'll build a great sanatorium.
For warts? And general debilities.
I could be in line for the Nobel Prize.
Oh, that'll stuff our Derek.
He's been unbearable since they got the Toyota.
Can we go now? I've got a new polish to try.
Go? We may be onto something here.
That is, if the man is certain he's found something.
Try it yourself.
Oh, right, thank you.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE It's there all right.
You know, I had an instinct it would be here.
Tha didn't have a clue.
We need a circle.
We need to form a power circle.
What, round that lot? How are the four of us gonna surround that lot? Ah, well, I have a solution.
We're going to need more people.
How do you invite strangers to hold hands with you? If tha does it right, petal, tha won't be strangers for long.
It's a scientific experiment and if it's conducted with precision.
And if it cures rheumatism.
And warts.
We're not only looking for strangers to hold hands with NOW we're looking for strangers with warts.
I can't go on, Howard.
Have you got a puncture, love? Only in my heart, Howard! I hope the air isn't leaking out of THAT! You've wounded me, Howard.
Me?! Yes, you! Just cos you've got a moustache, don't be like Errol Flynn.
I don't even own a sword.
You've been toying with me.
Toying with you? We never have time for a toy! Not even a dinky toy! You were seen holding hands with a woman in a miniskirt.
That was Pearl! I wasn't born yesterday, Howard.
Not that I'm that old.
How are we going to find anybody out here? Well, we'll stop cars as they pass.
Oh, they'll enjoy that.
How do you stop cars? You stand in the road looking like you mean business and put your hand up.
It's a question of dominating.
Sounds like a question of getting run over.
How many people do we need for this circle? To cover that, we'd need about 40.
Some hope of finding 40 people here.
The last time there were 40 people out here, it was the Vikings.
What's this lot doing here? It's our church outing.
He ran the bus off the road.
I didn't run the bus off the road.
It was this suit.
I was trying to turn right and the suit turned left! It's providence.
Fate.
You wanted 40 people - there's 40 people here.
Er, now, er, ladies could you form up in ranks of three, please.
Three? Would you just left marker here.
That's right.
Other ladies here, three at a time, please.
Come along.
Right-o! Attention! By the left! Quick march! May I? Now, ladies Ladies, if I could have your attention, please? On my signal I would like you all to join hands! I wonder if he's got any cure for THIS little wart! I haven't seen you on the church outing before.
Erno, no.
You want to come more often.
Yes.
He's a bit shy.
You'll be all right with us, love.
We're very friendly.
Right, now.
Has anybody got any questions? Why don't we get a move on? As soon as our man has found the centre.
Give us your hand.
It's been a day for surprises! When we get back, you're going for a new suit! What do I want a new suit for? You need one that doesn't turn left.
Can I have your attention? Can we have your attention? All right, ladies, close up the circle.
Close up the circle.
He's worse than our Derek! HIGH-PITCHED WHINE It works! That cured his rheumatism!