South Park s18e07 Episode Script

I'm goin' down to South park, gonna have myself a time friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation goin' down to South park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" heading on up to South park, gonna see if I can't unwind mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! come on down to South park and meet some friends of mine butters: Whoa! It's all so real! This is amazing! It's like I'm there! I see all our friends at school! Oh, wow! If I hold up my hands, I can see them, too! Whoa! Wow! You were right! I can actually feel it! Butters, what the hell are you doing? I feel Stan! He looks totally real! That's awesome, butters.
Keep making your way down the hallway.
Your vital signs are looking good.
What do you see now? More of the school.
What are you doing, butters? The school and all the kids.
I still can't hear any sound except for your voice.
Yeah, they haven't worked out the audio yet, but -- [ snickers .]
He's so fucking stupid.
But I'm sure they will soon.
Ugh.
Okay.
I think I'm done, Eric.
I-I'm feeling kind of dizzy, and, uh -- butters, no! Are you crazy?! What?! What?! What?! What did I tell you about removing the headset when you're not back at the access hub? Oh, yeah -- that it would split my neurons and scramble my brains! I forgot! You forgot your neurons would be torn apart? Did you also forget that if you die in virtual reality, you die in real life, butters? I'm sorry! You need find your way back to my room.
Can you do that? Yeah! We only have 8 minutes before the battery protocols die, butters.
You have to hurry! Oh, Jesus! [ Door slams .]
Okay.
I'm back at your room! Cartman: All right, butters, sit down at the computer.
Now drop the stafernasy window.
We're just gonna make it.
Stafernasy window dropped! [ Door slams .]
Welcome back, dude.
Wow! That was cool.
How do you feel? Do you feel okay? I touched Wendy's boob.
[ Laughing hysterically .]
And then -- and then he -- he took of the shop goggles, and was all like, "whoa, I'm back!" Damn it if it's not the awesomest thing ever! Sounds pretty typical to me.
Come on, guys.
This is the "cure de gars" of butters torture.
"Coup de grace," cartman.
Thank you, Kyle.
Poor butters.
Can't you just leave him alone? Dude, butters is an asshole, and he deserves to be taken down once in a while, okay? Hey, Eric! What did you say to the principal for missing first period? Not that we were doing anything interesting.
[ Chuckling .]
Right, Eric? Yeah, I just told her I was running late and it won't happen again.
You know what I said? She asked me why I wasn't in school, and I said, "well, technically, I was at school.
" Tee hee! Sorry, guys, but Eric and I know a little something you don't -- not that it's anything that cool.
Right, Eric? Right, butters.
These guys are so dumb, huh? Yeah! See? He's an asshole.
Fuck him.
Each time you go into the virtual world, it becomes more and more dangerous.
Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, butters? Well, not 100%.
Even 10% is good enough.
Here you go.
Okay.
Subject is ready.
All right, butters, I'm booting up the core competency now.
[ Keys clacking .]
Edifice framework is online.
Vital signs appear to be normal.
Interim status? Interim status is go! Digital malcontent now at parameter Alpha.
Prepare for full graphic interfaces on my mark.
[ Door closes .]
It worked! I'm back in! All systems normal! All right, butters, behind you, you should see the door.
Go through it and head outside.
Going now! [ Thud .]
Everything looks good, butters.
You're doing great.
Let's get to work.
Okay.
[ Shovel scraping .]
[ Grunting .]
How much more of this am I supposed to clear up? You're doing great.
Almost done with this level, butters.
Just make sure you've cleared the driveway and, uh, walkway of all the virtual snow.
Okay! It's so realistic! The snow looks kind of fake, though.
All right, I think that's all of it! [ Crunching .]
Okay, nice, butters.
Um, now go to the front door and ring the doorbell.
This is the part where you collect the money.
There's a old fat lady here! She's holding out money for me! Just take the money, butters.
Okay, I got it! You got the money? Okay, great, butters.
Now get back to the access point.
Already? Aw, no! Yeah, butters.
The discrepancy bars are oscillating.
You need to, uh, come back.
Are you heading back, butters? Butters? All right, butters, you should get back to the access point now.
You're going off grid.
I'm sorry, Eric, but there's just one thing I got to do real quick.
There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing? Hello, dad! It's me -- butters! I know that.
What are you -- this is for all the times I got grounded.
Ohh! Ohh.
Ohh.
Ha! I could almost feel his balls on my fist! [ Laughs .]
How'd you like that, dad? Linda: Butters, why?! Oh, my God! That was incredible! Uh, butters, uh, get back to the access point now.
I feel amazing! [ Laughs maniacally .]
I'm back outside now! I'm a bad man! You hear me? Take that, you stupid cars! [ Glass shatters, tires screeching .]
Man: What the hell are you doing, kid?! Butters, it's, uh, time to stop.
Get back to my place.
Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like "grand theft auto"! Hey! Whoa! I'm in the car now! Oh, shit! Butters, butters, where are you now? [ Laughs .]
I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamppost! I'm back on my feet.
Oh, oh, that's cool.
There's a prostitute out here.
Okay, butters, let's call it good, okay? I'm gonna beat her up and take her money! Wait.
Hang on, butters.
Take that, you dumb hooker! Woman: What you doin', motherfucker?! I'm taking your money! Oh.
Oh, she stabbed me.
Uh, the hooker stabbed me.
Butters, get back to my room.
The veracrosses are destabilizing.
[ Weakly .]
I can't -- I can't breathe too good, Eric.
I can't see.
Are you still there? Oh.
I think I overdid it.
I got to take this thing off.
What the hell? What hell is that?! Aaaaahh! Butters? Butters? You're very lucky, young man.
You've got a couple hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch.
I-I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me.
I thought I was just in a virtual reality.
No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker.
We've called your parents, and they're on their way.
Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine.
Aw, nuts! Try and relax, and when your parents get here, we'll sort this all out.
Wonder how long I'm grounded for.
Butters.
Aah! Are you okay? Eric! What are you doing here? I'm not here, butters.
What? This is going to be hard to understand, butters, but you've become trapped in the simulation.
None of this is real.
Nuh-unh! Yeah-huh.
I told you never to take the headset off outside the access point, didn't I? We're actually both at my house right now.
You're wearing the headset, and I'm talking to you as a computer program.
That's why I can Manipulate reality.
What?! You see, in this world, things aren't what they seem.
Aah! Okay, stop! Stop! Listen to me carefully, butters.
The oculus compromise has been streamlined.
You can't trust anyone in this reality.
Say nothing to no one about the oculus rift.
If you think they know, they will kill you.
How do you know that? How would I know that the nurse is about to walk through that door? [ Footsteps approaching .]
Everything okay in here? Aah! Yes! Yes, everything's fine! Okay.
Butters.
No! I'm gonna get you back to reality, butters, but you have to give me time.
I've got to go.
The orion parameters are embellishing.
Just stay quiet.
[ Coin tapping, clatters .]
Aaaah! Well, are you happy, cartman? Butters is completely traumatized.
I'm happy that I totally got away with it.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
What's a 911 area code? Hello? [ Indian accent .]
Hello, Eric.
My name is Steve from oculus customer service.
There seems to be an error with our virtual headsets, and on behalf of the company, I would like to apologize and try to help.
With what? It is going to be very jarring for you, but there's been a malfunction with the headset you ordered from us.
Right now, you're actually in your room, at your computer, wearing an oculus headset, but you're in a coma-like trance, my friend.
Fuck you.
I understand your shock, my friend, but you have simply been in the virtual world so long, you have forgotten.
You should probably listen to him, dude.
Uh-huh.
'Cause I thought I was messing with butters, but I'm actually the one trapped in virtual reality.
The people you are talking to are just computer programs, my friend.
Guys, tell him you're not computer programs.
Maybe we are.
[ Sighs .]
Kyle, just don't be a dick right now.
I know this is very hard for you, but we don't have a lot of time.
You really think I'm that stupid, that I'd believe all of this, all along, has been me living out some kind of virtual reality fantasy? Fuck you.
Eric? Poopsiekins? Eric? Honey, maybe that's enough computer time.
It's been about 19 hours now.
I know you said not to disturb you with your new toy, but mommy thought maybe you needed to eat.
All right, I'll just leave it here, hon.
I'm turning in for the night.
Mommy loves you.
Stephen: What kind of person did we raise you to be?! You think this world is just there for your amusement?! You are not to leave this room, and you are not allowed to use the phone or computer! Please! You can't do that! I have to find a way out of this! Oh, no, mister.
You are grounded! [ Door slams .]
[ Door opens .]
[ Door closes .]
Are you fucking with me? What? What do you mean? Butters, I'm seriously.
Are you fucking with me? I don't know what you mean -- because if you are, it's not cool.
Eric, you said you were gonna get me out of this virtual world.
Butters, I talked to oculus customer service, and they said I'm the one who's wearing a headset and has forgotten he's in virtual reality.
Oh, really? Oh, that's a relief.
Oh, it's a relief, huh? Well, guess what, butters.
If I'm the one trapped in virtual reality, that means that you're nothing but a computer program! Oh, God! That's right! Oh, God! That's right! Now, you better stop messing around, butters, so I can help you out of this.
Because you know how I said if you die in virtual reality, you die in real life? Yeah.
Well, if you get grounded in virtual reality, you get grounded in real life, too -- forever! [ Cellphone rings .]
Hello? Kyle, it's butters.
I've been grounded! Again? No, no, you don't understand.
This time, I've been grounded for no good reason.
I didn't do anything, Kyle.
Uh-huh.
I think there's something supernatural going on.
I asked my dad why I was being grounded, and he said that for asking him, that I was more grounded.
It doesn't make sense! Butters, butters I'm -- I'm kind of super busy right now.
Please! Just go to cartman's house! I think the answer might be within the -- Stephen: Butters! Who is that?! Aaaah! [ Keypad beeps .]
Mrph! Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmh? Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm! You found cartman like this, and you think he's somehow trapped in virtual reality? Mrph! Fuck you.
Mrph? Get up, cartman.
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Okay, then, let's take him to the hospital.
You hear that, fatso? You're going to the hospital! Kyle, maybe this is for real.
Fuck you if you're in on this.
In on what? Oh, fuck you.
Yes, no, sorry.
But because you bought two business-class tickets, I cannot refund the fares.
That's right.
There is nothing we can do.
All right.
Have I answered all your customer concerns in a timely, polite manner? Thank you for calling Korean airlines customer service.
El pollo loco customer service.
This is Steve.
Oh.
Uh, we're trying to reach oculus customer service.
Oh, yes.
Uh, yes, my friend.
Oculus customer service.
This is Steve.
Yeah, our friend had been missing for a few days, so we went and checked on him, and he's in a coma, wearing your headset.
Oh, yes, yes! What is your name, please? Kyle.
Kyle, I need to advise you that this call may be recorded to help with better customer service in the future.
Is that agreeable to you? I don't care.
He doesn't care! I can continue! All right, listen very carefully, my friend.
The headset we sold you are having some minor problems.
You mean he's actually stuck in virtual reality? Yes, and that is why we are trying to locate all the headsets and do a recall.
Do you understand? It is a total recall.
Fuck you.
Fuck you what? He says they're doing a total recall.
Oh, fuck you.
All right.
Did I take care of all your customer needs in a timely and satisfactory fashion today? You haven't done anything yet.
But the customer service -- was that reliable, and did I accurately and politely respond to your concerns? We need help.
Our friend is in a coma.
Uh, let's see.
Uh, it looks like one of you is going to have to put on the oculus headset and go into the virtual world and convince your friend to get to an access point.
Could you try that, my friend? [ Electronic warbling .]
It's okay.
Everything is cool.
don't let anyone mess with your head, and it's all gonna be fine.
You're cool, Eric.
You're cool.
[ Doorbell rings .]
[ Dramatic music plays .]
Hey, cartman.
I need to talk to you.
I know.
Let's go to the backyard.
[ Birds chirping .]
Cartman, I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to believe me, even if it seems impossible.
Okay, Kyle.
All right, here it goes.
Cartman, you aren't really here.
Mm.
And why do you know that, Kyle? Because I saw you, okay, in your room, passed out with a v.
R.
Headset on.
Customer service said that one of us needed to put on the headset and come get you, and that's why I'm here.
Mm-hmm.
I know it's hard to believe, but you have to trust me.
And why did the guys send you, Kyle? What do you mean? Kyle, I want you to brace yourself.
This is going to be extremely hard to believe, but you are the one that's been in a coma with the v.
R.
Headset on.
[ Music stops .]
Fuck you.
[ Music resumes .]
I know it's hard to grasp, Kyle, but I was the one sent by customer service to try and convince you that none of what you've seen is real.
You bought the oculus rift headset, Kyle.
don't do that.
Calm down.
No! I put your headset on and came here to -- in virtual reality, yes, you did.
No.
Then I came into this virtual space.
You've been in the virtual space all along, Kyle.
Think about it.
We're archrivals.
Why would the guys send you in to convince me of anything? Fuck you.
Why would they send you in to convince me of anything? [ Music stops .]
Fuck! [ Telephone ringing .]
Thanks for calling best buy.
How can I direct your call? Yes.
My name is Kyle broflovski.
Can you tell me if I purchased an oculus rift headset there? Or if I did.
Or if you sold one to an Eric cartman? I'm gonna have to connect you to customer service.
Hang on a sec.
[ Telephone rings .]
Best buy customer service.
This is Steve.
Dude.
What? What? Hello? Yes, hello.
This call may be recorded to ensure good customer service in the future.
Dude, now this is getting weird.
Well, this looks like a lovely meal.
Too bad butters won't be enjoying it.
You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded, you can just go to bed hungry! Linda, do you remember why butters is grounded? What -- what did he do? Oh, I don't know, Stephen.
I let you handle all the groundings.
It's strange.
I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet -- and yet he is grounded.
[ Thumping .]
And no bouncing a racquetball, either! No, listen, I called customer service because I need help.
What am I supposed to do? Wait.
Stan? Hold on.
Is this my virtual reality or cartman's virtual reality? It's neither.
I know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is all actually real.
No, no, after we found cartman, I put the headset on and -- no, dude, dude, we've all been here the entire time.
Holy shit.
Then this is all real.
We've all been here from the beginning, taking turns on the oculus rift headset.
No, you guys, this is virtual reality.
How do you know? Because I'm a computer program.
God damn it, cartman.
I'm telling you guys.
I swear.
You have to believe me.
I am a computer program.
I'm not real.
He's lying.
I'm not lying.
Go ahead and ask customer service.
What was the name of the person who first called you for customer service? Oh, yes, yes, yes! That I can answer.
His name wasButters.
Butters called customer service first? Have I answered all your questions in a satisfying and courteous manner? Come on.
We're going to butters' house.
Hello? My friend? My friend, I believe we are having some technical issues with our phone line.
Please hang on.
I'm going to call customer service.
[ Telephone rings .]
Hello.
Customer service.
This is Steve.
Hello.
This is Steve with customer service.
Uh, no, no, no, no, my friend.
I am Steve with customer service.
Listen, my friend.
This is going to be very hard to comprehend, but none of what you are seeing is real.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
My friend, my friend, my friend, a customer who was in virtual reality called customer service, and it has created a customer feedback loop, okay? Here in India, we call it a customer feedback vindaloop.
Oh, fuck you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Do not fuck me because I am you, and then we will just be fucking ourselves! Now, have I provided answers to your questions in a courteous and prompt fashion? What do you mean, have you answered all my questions? No! You have not answered any questions at all! No, no, no, no, no.
Listen.
Listen.
If I didn't answer your questions, then we have given bad customer service.
But you didn't answer any of my questions! Well, what is more important, my friend -- the result or good customer service? I'm troubled, I'm troubled in mind if Jesus don't help me, I surely will die butters! Ah! But you guys can't be here.
Why not? Because I'm grounded.
That means no visitors.
Butters, when did you call oculus rift customer service? When we were playing with the oculus headset.
don't you guys remember? We were all messing around with it.
I played with it first and went a little nuts.
I forgot I was in virtual reality and I got grounded, and now I'm grounded in real life.
So, now we are in the real world? Yes! You guys I have accepted the reality that I am just a computer program.
The fact is that one of us right now is in a room wearing a v.
R.
Headset, seeing all this, and it's not me.
Butters! Aah! What are your friends doing here?! I'm sorry, dad! Oculus rift customer service: Hello? Hello, my friend? Are you still there? Yes, we're here! Listen carefully, my friend.
You are stuck in a paradox.
It turns out there are three things you cannot do in virtual reality.
You cannot die, you cannot get grounded, and you cannot call customer service.
This is why you are having problems.
You just don't get it, do you?! So, then how much of what has happened was in virtual reality? What's wrong with you?! That does not matter! There is only one thing that matters! What? Have I answered your questions satisfactorily and offered good customer service? That doesn't make sense! That's the paradox! Please, my friend! Please! I am not real! You are not real! Have I answered your questions and provided good customer service? This call may be recorded! You're getting it now! Yes! Yes, you've answered all my questions, and I am pleased with the customer service I've been provided! [ Electronic warbling .]
You guys? Are you there? Kyle: We're right here, dude.
Do you remember now? Yeah, I remember.
I'm heading back to the access point.
Oh, my gosh.
Linda.
What is it, Stephen? It's butters.
He's not grounded anymore.
He's not? No, I-I've got to tell him.
Butters? Butters! [ Groans .]
You can go outside and play, son.
You -- y-you mean I'm not grounded? No.
I don't know why or how, but it's over.
They did it! They figured it out! Whoopee! All right, I'm nearing checkpoint Alpha.
You guys still there? We're here, dude.
Just a little further, and we can finally end this.
Okay, I'm back in cartman's room.
Cartman: All right, Stan, just sit down at the computer.
All right, dude.
Take off the headset.
So, aside from all the bullcrap, what did you think of the oculus? It's pretty cool But the graphics suck.
Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore! There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing? Hello, dad! It's me -- butters! I know that.
What are you -- this is for all the times I got grounded.
Ohh! Ohh.
Ohh.
Ha! I could almost feel his balls on my fist! [ Laughs .]
How'd you like that?