Family Guy s18e08 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: Coming this winter: actors who don't look familiar in shows you're pretty sure you've never heard of on networks you've definitely never heard of.
First, it's The Marriage Man on Geego Audience Prime Plus.
Then Frenemy on Goldstar.
And don't forget The J.
Tory Hampton Show on Traxx.
Lump Monkeys on Forge.
Comeuppance on LFR America.
Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids.
And Snapchatters on Perspire.
Who's watching them? Probably no one.
Are they comedies or dramas? We're not even sure.
Turn your office watercooler into a modern-day Tower of Babel.
- The Marriage Man! - Lump Monkeys! - The J.
Tory Hampton Show! - Lump Monkeys! (SHOUTING CONTINUES) Gay Paree! ANNOUNCER: TV: what a mess.
Hi, everybody.
You know how I've been dieting like a maniac the last couple weeks? Aw, damn it, that means we're having people over.
We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom, and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.
I can't believe you invited the whole family.
You know I hate big Thanksgivings.
Don't worry, Peter, it's gonna be fun.
And I can handle most of the prep myself.
I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.
- That's not so bad.
- Oh.
Pick up some wine for the adults.
I can do that.
A-And put the extra leaf in the dining room table.
(BLEEP) Oh, stop it.
It's so simple.
Yeah, right.
That table ain't been opened in five years.
It'll be fine.
Just don't drink while you do it.
And for God's sake, don't lose your temper with Chris.
All right, one, two, three.
Hup! (METAL SCREECHES) One more time.
Hup! (METAL SCREECHES) Okay, all right, bend the knees.
Let's give it a good pull.
- Hup! - (METAL SCREECHES) Yeah, I think one side is stuck.
Do you, son? Okay, on three.
One, two, three.
- Hup! - (METAL SCREECHES) Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! (BOTH PANTING) I think it's still stuck.
Oh, is that right? Lot of narration.
It's like opening a table with Ken Burns.
Um, why don't you go easy on that stuff? This "stuff" is the only thing stopping you from getting so karate-chopped right now.
Okay, big pull, on three.
All right, one, two, three.
Hup! It's this one side, it's just stuck.
I know it's stuck! Everyone sees it's stuck! Are there voices you're hearing shouting, "It's not stuck"? 'Cause if you hear any argument from anybody who says it isn't stuck, you send them to me, and I will so karate-chop them in the face! Got it?! I'm not sure that that's What?! What aren't you sure about? Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hey, Chris.
Table looks stuck.
Oh, really? "Sky blue," says star witness.
You know what's crazy about this time of year? Everything is pumpkin spice.
We all follow your Twitter feed, Joe.
God, Thanksgiving is such a pain in the ass.
I hate hosting.
I hear you, Peter.
I hate Thanksgiving, too.
Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.
Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
(MOTOR WHIRRING) - Wendell.
- COMPUTER VOICE: Joseph.
It's just Joe.
I think you know that.
My Thanksgiving's also a nightmare.
Donna's cousins are two-thirds of Tony! Toni! Toné! - Which ones? - The "E" and the "I.
" Aw, no Tony with a "Y.
" That is correct.
We lack the alpha Tony.
Well, at least you guys celebrate with your families.
Last year I spent Thanksgiving with my old blow-up sex dolls.
Here you go, Carla.
See? We can do other things together.
How's the turkey? I made it myself.
Oh, don't look so surprised.
(AIR HISSING) Ah.
Someone's getting sleepy.
Must be the tryptophan.
I'll put a pot of coffee on.
Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee? Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee? Dad, coffee? I wish I had given you more siblings, Glenn.
You know, sometimes I envy the guys in the town jail.
They get a turkey dinner on Quahog and don't have the hassle of hosting their families.
Well, yeah, but they're in prison.
Nah, jail isn't prison.
Prison is big and scary.
Jail is just a sleeping deputy with keys that can be grabbed by a long broom handle or a mischievous dog.
Do black people ever go to jail? No.
They go to prison.
Well, maybe going to jail is what we should do.
- Peter, that's ridiculous.
- H-H-Hear me out, hear me out.
We'll commit a small crime and get put in jail for a couple days.
- That's insane! - Peter, Peter, you're crazy! - Ridiculous! - Lump Monkeys! - Have you lost your mind? - Lump Monkeys! All right, Joe, there's chaos at the top.
Time to step up and be the leader - of this group of friends.
- PETER: Lump Monkeys! Guys, what if we all go to Vermont? Let's just do Peter's thing.
Okay, if we want to get arrested, the best way to do it is to get caught on the Ring app stealing people's packages.
(NO AUDIO) I forgot to steal the package.
I think this is probably enough.
I don't know exactly what this is, but this this is crime.
MAN: Swanson! Police Superintendent Chalmers.
My brother is superintendent of the schools in Springfield.
Our parents divorced when we were very young.
I was raised entirely by our mother, he by our father.
We've never met.
There's a lot of backstory.
And you four are under arrest.
(ALL GASP) I can't believe the plan worked.
Here we are, the city jail.
What's going on? Why aren't we stopping? You guys think you're the first ones to have this idea? The jail's already full of dads getting out of Thanksgiving.
Well, if we're not going to Quahog jail, where are we going? The only place where there's room for the weekend: the state penitentiary.
You guys thinking what I'm thinking? Wacky mug shot montage.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, uh, are my friends coming? No, they're all calling lawyers.
You used your one call on this party photo booth guy.
Eh, we'll see who has more fun this weekend.
Yeah, it just doesn't seem right.
We're in here, and everyone on Wall Street is free as a bird.
Joe, now is not the time for your bland political musings.
This sucks.
The courts are closed for Thanksgiving, which means we can't even go before a judge till Monday.
That's five whole days here.
What the hell are we gonna do? Well, if we're congress, we'll do nothing.
All right, that one was sharp.
Good job, Joe.
And you know, maybe-maybe prison won't be so bad.
Maybe we just got to make the best of it.
Like those guys over there.
Look.
They're playing leapfrog.
No one's jumping, though.
And that guy in the back definitely has to get up higher.
Who taught these guys how to play? Peter, please stop watching it.
Guys, I think we're in trouble here.
Come on, we're gonna be fine.
Joe, you should be more terrified than any of us.
What if someone figures out you're a cop? It's not gonna happen.
I spent years undercover.
I'm a master of disguise.
What? You're in a wheelchair.
You can't disguise yourself as anything.
(IMITATING CHRIS): Is that so, Dad? Chris? But that's impossible.
I've seen Chris standing up many times.
(AS CHRIS): Have you? Hey, Chris, I got two tickets for the Sox.
- Want to go? - You got it, Dad.
Oh, charley horse.
Oh, another charley horse, huh? Well, you sit tight, Chris.
I can just take Joe's brother-in-law Wendell.
COMPUTER VOICE: Christopher.
It's just Chris.
I think you know that.
The conjugal visit room is being used.
So, does your foot reach? Peter, enough.
You ruined Thanksgiving.
I have to host 20 people by myself.
- You smoke now? - Yeah.
I have a husband in prison.
That's who smokes, genius.
Stewie, why do you look like 1976 Elton John? I'm trying to keep a low profile.
You know that old sitcom premise where the kid has two dates to the prom? Well, I, um I may sorta, kinda be engaged to four prisoners.
You're what? Stewie, that's crazy.
Oh, relax, Brian, I'm just humoring them.
It's not serious.
Stewie, don't forget, we're meeting DJs tomorrow.
Sure thing, Clint.
His mother thinks it's her wedding.
But we'll see.
How did you even meet these guys? Easily.
They were my pen pals.
You have prison pen pals? Yes.
A lot of people write prisoners.
Even Hollywood celebrity Kal Penn.
Kal Penn writes a prisoner? Yeah.
Ken.
Lives in California.
You've never heard of Kal Penn's pen pal Ken in the Cal pen? How could I possibly have heard of Kal Penn's pen pal Ken in the Cal pen? Through this song.
Well, I do get a yen every now and then To pick up a pen, like my pal Kal Penn And a note I will send every now and again To my pal Big Ben who is locked in the pen 'Cause he beat up some men and he got five to ten And he'll do it again Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah Kal Penn.
- Who was that for? - What are you talking about? Phil Spector's in this prison.
Kid, I know talent and shooting waitresses in the mouth, and you've got talent.
We're gonna make a record.
God, every crevice of this prison is terrifying.
Eh, it's not so bad.
I made one-eye contact with Bill Cosby.
Well, well, well.
Three "wells" is never a good sign.
- I think you guys have our lunches.
- Called it.
Uh, sorry, sir.
We don't want any trouble.
Yeah, we-we'll sit somewhere else.
Come on, guys, let's avoid confrontation.
And whatever happens, let's make sure we're not goaded into fights by simple playground taunts.
Damn.
I was hoping for chicken.
Nobody calls me chicken.
- Peter, no! - (BLOWS LANDING) Aw, damn it, I lost a front tooth.
Well, hopefully in the prison yearbook I'll just look like a cute kindergartner.
PETER (READING): Mad Dog, next time, I'm asking for the "top bunk".
LOL.
Love Pete.
I'm starving.
We haven't eaten since we got here.
That's 'cause other prisoners keep taking our meals.
And God knows what else they're gonna do to us.
We have three more days here, and we're not gonna survive three more minutes.
That's 'cause you don't have a gang - to protect you.
- A gang? Yeah, when you're in a gang, no one will mess with you.
That's why everyone joins one.
I used to be in a gang.
It was called the Republican party.
Our friend is very political.
So, how do we get into one of these gangs? Actually, you guys showed up at the perfect time.
Tomorrow is the start of Prison Rush Week.
Get in one, and you're home free.
That's a great idea! Let's celebrate by pretentiously analyzing some prison wine.
(SNIFFS) Okay, I'm getting notes of, um uh, well, feces.
Man, getting in a gang is gonna be harder than I thought.
JOE: Speak for yourself, Peter.
What gang is this? We're the Not Cops.
We're all definitely not cops.
So you think firemen are cool? Firemen cook spaghetti.
And I think y'all know who I joined.
Are you now Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland? I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland.
Hey, you know Muslims can't drink alcohol, right? I am Cleveland "Hurricane" Carter.
Well, Quagmire, guess it's just you and me now.
Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13.
- What? How? - It was easy.
- I said I was loco.
- Loco! - Si.
- Muy loco.
Well, I can be loco.
I have a teardrop tattoo on my cheek.
Where? I don't see it.
Not-not that cheek.
Peter, that's an unwiped watermelon seed.
- Loco? - No.
No loco.
Hey, Peter, is that your baby over there? (DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE) We want fun.
We want upbeat.
And for our dance, we want "You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift.
Great, great.
I also have some more classic options, - like "At Last.
" - (CHUCKLES) Okay.
So so, what I need is someone I can work with.
Can you be that person? There you guys are.
I haven't seen you all day.
Me and the Not Cops were watching Die Hard and not commenting on the believability of the police work.
Could John McClane really foil a giant heist outside his jurisdiction, then just walk away and do zero paperwork? We don't know or care, 'cause we're not cops.
And I got my law degree.
I am now Cleveland J.
Roman J.
Israel, and I will be wearing wine-colored suits.
- You look crazy.
- Well, in his defense, the movie was set in the '70s, wasn't it? No, it's modern-day.
Oh, my stars.
All right, everyone, that's lanch.
I mean, lunch.
Sorry, it's my first day.
This sucks.
Everyone's eating lanch but me.
I'm never gonna find a gang.
Hey.
You look like you could use a friend.
Well, let's just say in prison, this guy comes off.
I meant my gang.
We're looking for members.
- I-I bet you'd fit right in.
- Really? You only have to do one thing first.
As the new white guy in prison, you have to shiv the new black guy.
Oh, you guys are that kind of gang.
This is prison.
No one survives on their own.
So it's either him or you.
Man, I don't want to hurt Cleveland.
But I don't want to die.
And it would be nice to have people to go to Smash Mouth concerts with.
Wait, you guys go to Smash Mouth concerts, right? We're Nazis, Peter.
We like Smash Mouth.
Come on, there's got to be a way you'll let me in the gang without shivving Cleveland.
Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
There was this prison movie, and-and there was this guy who wanted to win over the other prisoners, and you know what he did? He ate seven eggs.
It was amazing.
So, you bring me seven or some other reasonable amount of eggs Peter, I know it's 50 eggs.
Ah, you're a film buff.
Yeah.
Before this, I was in the USC directors program.
Well, if you can call it that.
You think you're learning about film, but, really, you're getting a degree in politics.
(SCOFFS) I know, everything is so political.
So political.
Best advice I ever got: whatever business you think you work in, you really work in sales.
Because you're always selling yourself.
Yeah, wow, that is that is good.
- You are smart.
- Well, I didn't say it.
- I'm just repeating it.
- Well, still, y-you recognized its value.
That-That's not nothing.
Well, we're so happy you're all here.
We thought it might be fun to kick things off with a game of Heads Up! - Daddy, do you want to start? - No.
You just hold this up to your head, and then we're gonna give you clues to help you guess it.
I only like games with sticks.
Okay, ready? Go.
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
It's a show.
Annie Get Your Gun.
No, it's on TV.
Oh.
Poirot? What is that? I've never heard of that.
Uh, it's a Belgian detective on PBS.
We just love it.
It's about seven castaways.
There's a professor a-and a millionaire a-and a movie star.
- Poirot! - No.
We already said it's not Poirot.
It's about people who took a three-hour tour.
No, it's not.
It's about a Belgian detective.
It's on PBS.
The title character is played by Bob Denver.
- It's pronounced "David Suchet.
" - Who's that? - I'm gonna guess Poirot.
- It's not Poirot! Damn it, just pass! Okay, this is a movie Roman J.
Israel, Esq.
ALL: Yay! Come on, Peter, it's him or you.
And-and he's not so great.
Don't forget, he's the one who told you all those Schoolhouse Rock! Spoilers.
I had no idea that bill would become a law.
- (SCREAMS) - Sorry, Peter.
My gang said I wasn't really loco unless I shivved someone, and you're the one guy without gang protection, so - (SCREAMS) - Sorry, Quagmire.
As a Not Cop, I have to shiv a guy in the Latin gang and then blame it on Cleve (SCREAMS) No one made me do this.
I'm just sick of your overt racism.
Guys, guys, stop.
Stop.
Look at us.
We're shivving each other on Thanksgiving.
Oh, wait, no one shivved Cleveland.
(SCREAMS) But what are we doing? What are all of us doing? Fighting in here amongst ourselves while Brooks is out there waiting for all of us, bagging groceries, adapting to this new world seamlessly (WHISPERS): Brooks hung himself.
Oh, my stars.
The point is, in life, you need to be thankful for what you have.
I wasn't, and it got me in here.
I let down my family, especially my wife.
I just wish she was here so I could tell her I'm sorry.
LOIS: I am here, Peter.
Not now, prison ladyboy who talks like my wife to please me sexually.
LOIS: No, Peter, we're here.
Lois! What are you doing here? I thought you were having Thanksgiving with your parents.
Chris got caught watching cousin Katie pee, so that kind of ended things.
Well, I wanted to get caught.
That's It's part of it.
And the truth is, Peter, we're not a family without you.
Can you ever forgive me? Of course I can, Peter.
- (IN LOIS' VOICE): Hi, Peter.
- Who's your little friend? Not now, Prison Lois.
So it's over? And what was Venice? Same thing it always was, babe: a dream we both wanted to believe.
(CRYING) - Peter, who was that? - Not now, Front-Sex Lois.
The important thing is, my days of selfishness and red-wig twinks are over.
I'm ready to come home with you.
But, Peter, you're in here till next week.
MAN: Not anymore.
Hi, I'm the warden and definitely not a psychotic prisoner who just stabbed the warden and stole his clothes.
Shh, shh! Everyone, the warden's talking.
By the rules of prison and The Love Boat, you've made up, which means you get to leave wiser and happier.
I love you, Lois.
I love you, Peter.
Hey, Lois, one day, let's go to Venice.
- You promise? - I said it, didn't I? Donna! - Bonnie! - Sex doll! - Oh, yeah! - (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) (CHUCKLES): All right, guys, settle down.
Well, we're certainly glad to have you home, Peter, but I hope you learned your lesson.
I learned a hard lesson, Lois.
But it's not all bad.
I got to make a license plate for our car - that says "butthole.
" - Isn't that too many letters? Excellent question, Chris, and yes, it is.
But I took off a "T" and the "E" at the end.
I felt that was the right way to go.
Trust me, people will get it.
What's buthol? - PETER: That's not how you say it.
- Yeah, I've heard of buthol.
It's some kind of alternative fuel.
PETER: You're ruining a smart joke.
DJ: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, for the first time, Mr.
and Mrs.
Clint Beltran! ("AT LAST" BY ETTA JAMES PLAYING) (GUESTS CHEER) At last Hey! You were right.
My love Has come along.