Family Guy s18e12 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to A Quiet Place, starring a Jewish family.
(BELCHES SOFTLY) I'm finally all caught up on New Girl, if you guys want to talk about that.
I don't think they're going for it.
Wait.
I kind of like that Schmidt.
You kind of like that Schmidt.
All right, fellas, I got to get going.
Aw, come on.
I want to get one more beer.
Again! Again, again! Sorry, Peter, I got to work early in the morning.
Yeah, I'm out, too.
Aw, crap, I don't have any cash.
Hey, can one of you guys spot me? - Just put it on your card.
- I can't.
Lois'll see the charge.
She thinks I'm still at work.
Wa-peesh.
Wha-What is that? What do you mean? What do you mean, like "Wha-pshh"? - Like that? Like a whip sound? - Yeah.
How did I do it? Very incorrectly.
You don't have your own card, one that Lois doesn't know about? No.
Lois would kill me.
Ooh, what?-what?-what?-peesh.
Indiana James? Anyone? 456 Maple Drive, Suite 305.
The "suite" is just a mailbox.
This is where I get all my credit card bills sent to and any other mail Donna would be mad about.
- Like what? - Knives with gemstones, fat-butt magazines, whatever you think Ice- would keep in a nightstand.
But really it's for the credit card bills.
I get some of my stuff here, too.
Bills, catheters, residual checks.
- What are the checks for? - Mostly Seinfeld.
- You were on Seinfeld? - Yeah, that's right.
Peter, I'm telling you, get yourself a secret credit card.
- You'll save yourself a lot of stress.
- Thanks, Cleveland.
Ah, this is gonna make my life so much better.
Like when I used to make fart balloon animals.
All right.
Who's next? - Can you make me a giraffe? - Comin' right up.
(FARTING) (FARTING CONTINUES) There you go.
Don't pop that.
You'll throw up.
Oh, where did you find him? He found me.
Hey, look who it is.
You need us to pay for your drinks again? No way.
Guys, you are looking at the owner of his own credit card.
All right.
Good for you, Peter.
You gonna pay us back? Come on, Joe, I don't interrupt you.
Anyway, they even want me to do one of Tina Fey's "look how quirky and busy I am" credit card commercials.
- Wow, really? - Yeah.
- (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING) - Oh, wait.
I think it's starting.
I hear a piano shuffle and a clarinet.
Taxi! - Where to? - Any pet shop that sells snakes.
(SNIFFS) Somebody puke in here? Yeah.
Last night some guy Hey! It's you! Gotta go.
Hi.
Can I help you? Can I press the button that moves the clothes? Sir, that's reserved for dry cleaners only.
It's like a roller coaster ride for pants.
- Any calls? - Your mistress called.
She said she's waiting at the hotel for you.
Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can.
She said she's pregnant.
Do you know if that Mexican doctor takes credit cards? He does.
ANNOUNCER: If you're scummy and on the go, try the new Visa Gold Card.
VISA: It's everywhere you want to be.
(MUSIC ENDS) Hey, Dad, what do you got there? Chris, I got us lobsters for dinner.
Cool.
Can can I kill 'em? Hmm, let me think.
Of course you can kill 'em, sport.
- Yay! - Let's boil up some water.
(KNOCKING) Package for Peter Griffin.
Ah.
I didn't order anything.
I-I mean, I could have if I wanted to.
I have a credit card.
All right.
Lot of cool people on this route.
-(SCREECHING) -(SCREAMS) Aah! -(MUFFLED SCREAMING) -Stop! You're hurting him.
No, that's just air escaping.
They can't feel anything.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) - Hi.
Can I help you? - Yes.
I'd like one of those flashlights with a vagina in it, please? (THUNDER ROLLING) (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) LOIS: Oh, no.
PETER: O-Okay, okay, don't panic, everyone.
(CLICK) (PETER GIGGLES) CHRIS (CHUCKLES): Oh, he got you, Mom.
PETER: I'm surprised this thing still works after the day we had.
- Meaning I had sex with - CHRIS: I know.
- LOIS: We get it.
- MEG: Ew.
STEWIE: Five minutes ago, I had that flashlight under my chin to look scary.
Peter, are you wearing a costume from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country? Peter, give me the credit card.
How'd you find out? The UPS guy from earlier? Sorry, Peter.
New rule: I I have to report any adults bragging about having a credit card.
But but you said I was cool.
Did you even mean it? Did you even mean it?! You know what bothers me even more than all the money you put on that credit card? - Bonnie's new car? - Oh, I know.
What, does she think she's a (BLEEP) teenager? Wait, no, no.
What's worse is finding out how much you lie to me.
I found your account online.
Monday night you said you were working late, but there's a $62 charge at The Clam.
So whoever stole my card is still in town.
You just gave me the card, dummy.
You said you had to work last weekend, then you bought a T-shirt that says "Working weekends Does not compute" with Johnny 5 on it.
I wanted to wait, but Happy Mother's Day.
You're not gonna weasel your way out of this.
You want to act like a child, Peter? Then I'm gonna treat you like a child.
You're grounded.
On whose authority? General Chang.
Hey, Peter.
Lois still mad at you? Yeah, but she's acting like everything's fine on Facebook so she can post pictures of food.
(COMPUTER CHIMING) I mean, I've done some stupid stuff, but she's never grounded me before.
Well, you could just leave the house if you want.
You are an adult.
Brian, husbands are not adults.
They are people who pay for things but are still somehow burdens.
Worst part about it, I'm gonna miss my Sunday shift at Clappy's Birthday Restaurant.
We heard someone has a birthday.
SERVERS: H.
(RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) A.
P.
P.
T.
E.
Happy birthday, Charlotte.
Excuse me.
My table is celebrating the birthday of deceased Hawaiian pop singer Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.
(EXHAUSTED SIGH) Well, that's why we call it Clappy's.
Let's go.
H.
(PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - QUAGMIRE: Peter.
Peter, you're not gonna believe whose car just broke down on Spooner Street.
Tom Brady! - What?! - Yeah.
He's throwing passes to anyone who's able to leave his house.
- Ah, he's throwing one to Joe.
- (PEOPLE CHEERING) Oh, my God, Joe just stood up for a second.
JOE: He put that pass where only a walking person could catch it.
That's how good he is His pass made me walk! CLEVELAND: And here comes Gisele.
She's giving out Tag Heuer watches.
Aw.
Lois? Can I please go out and play with Tom Brady? QUAGMIRE: She's out here.
LOIS: Tom Brady's taking us all to see an Anne Hathaway movie.
Oh.
Uh Oh, no, I'm grounded.
Hey, it's my old wedding Tucks Medicated Pads.
Boy, my butt sure was like a match that needed to be extinguished that day.
Oh, what a day that was.
All the Preparation H I used on my fiery ring.
I got to escape.
But how? Wait a minute, you saw Shawshank Redemption, Peter.
How did Brooks get out of there? (ROPE CREAKING) Aah! - Hey, possum.
- POSSUM: It's actually o-possum.
PETER: O, is it? What the hell? Aah.
Peter, what are you doing? I got to get out of here, Brian.
I'm going crazy sitting around the house.
So you're tunneling out? Lois is gonna be furious if she finds out.
That's why Lois isn't going to find out.
Right, boy? - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about you not being a bad boy.
I'm-I'm not I'm not a bad boy.
Then do not say anything to Lois.
You hear me? Bad.
Bad dog.
So, we understand each other? Yeah, I'll be good.
Trust me.
I saw what you did to that black belt.
- (CROWD GASPS) - I don't care what color your belt is, you're a child and I am stronger than you.
- (CROWD BOOING) - Oh, boo yourself.
Boo yourself.
She was the one strutting around Pizza Hut with that trophy.
Yeah, who's the Girls' Regional Youth Karate Champ now, Kelsey? Huh? Kelsey? All right, down in the tunnel.
Time to way-too-easily make a torch.
Look, our Internet connection.
CHRIS: Mom! Never mind.
Mom! Never mind.
CLEVELAND: Donna! JOE: Bonnie! QUAGMIRE: I'm not on the Internet.
Some people in this neighborhood read.
Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony.
We laid my Uncle Reggie to rest with the respect that he deserved.
Aah! Uncle Reggie! I'm sorry we stuffed you in that Hefty Cinch Sak and pushed you in the pond.
Relax, guys.
It's just me.
You dug a hole all the way from your house? Pretty cool, huh? Yeah, but what if Lois notices you're gone? Trust me, I got it covered.
Peter, there's some salmon on the stove if you're hungry.
Well, it's what I made.
So, you guys want to see the tunnel? - Frick yeah.
- Let's go! - Right behind you.
- How 'bout you, Jerome? You in? Okay, well, he's busy.
Peter Griffin (DRAMATICALLY): you've been a busy boy.
- What was that? - Just a cool way to say something.
It wasn't that cool.
All right, it's pretty neat, Peter, but we should probably get out of here.
Yeah, sure.
Unless anyone wants to see a salamander.
Oh, look at it.
I named him Sally.
Slippy-ass little bug right there.
Okay, this is pretty cool.
Come on, I'll show you the rest.
Look at these handprints.
Somebody did the perfect cartwheel.
Actually, Peter, there's elbow prints and knee prints all around this thing.
The perfect cartwheel.
And there's scuffled dirt and a little bit of blood over here.
Perhaps the ancients cartwheeled everywhere.
Peter, did you trip on a root and eat it big-time? No, I did not.
Uh, hang on.
There's a guy tunneling the other way.
Pretty cramped, huh? (CHUCKLES) You said it.
Next time, I pay for business class.
(CHUCKLES) Right? That guy was in the paper for hitting his wife.
(RUMBLING) Peter, are you sure this tunnel is structurally sound? Don't worry, guys.
I'll cartwheel back for help.
Aah! (GROANS) A root.
(GROANS) I ate it big-time.
-(RUMBLING) -Look out! Oh, my God.
The tunnel's completely collapsed on both sides.
Oh, no.
We're stuck down here.
BEAVER: Hey, guys.
Hey, look, it's the dumb beaver.
- You live down here? - Sure do.
Welcome to my running-out-of-Airbnb.
(GIGGLES) No, but this is very serious.
Great.
Peter, this is just great.
Because you can't stand up to your wife, I'm gonna die.
Relax, Quagmire.
Nobody's gonna die.
What do you think happens when we run out of air, genius? Air.
Right.
You know, I'd only taken the other three elements into account.
Earth, wind, fire, water.
- Where's air? - Wind is air.
Who's that, Joey Swanson or Bill Nye the Science Guy? Peter, can't you dig us out of here? No, I left my tools at The Clam.
Uh, what's standard protocol for when the cops start looking for us? Uh, I'm not sure.
I just give out stickers if kids come to the station.
I guess the only chance we have is if Brian sells me out to Lois.
What I wouldn't give to be with a woman just one more time.
You can go over to that wall, make yourself a dirt-gina.
- This wall here? - No, silly.
That wall's a guy.
(ALL LAUGHING) TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Planet Earth, with its original narrator, who was let go.
NARRATOR: The Earth's oceans are very, uh vast? - And, uh, a lot of fish.
Yeah.
- (WHALE SINGS) Couple of whales.
Some flora and fauna.
Both down there in the, uh, uncharted depths? Wow, what are those? Sharks? We've, uh, probably got a commercial break coming up.
Uh Oh.
Oh, really? Four hours, no commercials? Wow, is that right? Some penguins over there.
Brian, have you seen Peter? N-No.
Why? Well, I haven't seen him all morning.
I'm worried he left the house and got into some kind of trouble.
He'll turn up.
I'm sure he's fine.
Phew.
Somethin' on your mind there, bud? - I'm not a bad boy.
- Uh, nobody said you were.
Good.
Because I'm not a bad boy.
I'm a good boy.
How would you like to be a very good boy? - Tell me how.
Tell me how.
- Where's the fat man? - Aw, damn it.
- But I promised Peter.
What is it? What is it, boy? (BARKING) The fat man dug a tunnel to go hang out with Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire? We've got to tell someone.
What is it, Stewie? (CRYING) Daddy went to a Peter Cetera concert in Cleveland with Robin Tunney? Robin Tunney from The Mentalist slept with the entire Cleveland Browns team? Bad Moms 1 and 2 are available on most streaming platforms? Don't-don't do that, Mila.
Not-not on this show.
Good afternoon.
I'm Tom Tucker, here with a story that's "anchor out of the studio" important.
Rescue attempts are underway to free four men who have been trapped in an underground tunnel.
One of the men is Quahog's own Peter Griffin.
Channel 5 reached out to his family for comment.
Here's what they had to say.
I'm about to take my laptop into the bathroom.
I ask that you please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Thank you.
Anyone else having trouble breathing? Could just be allergies.
Yeah.
Yeah, you think it's allergies? You don't think it's because we're running out of air? It's hard to say.
I don't know how severe your allergies are.
- Different people are allergic - You are such a moron.
- You know, I hope we do die down here.
- Oh, that's nice.
- So I never have to listen - That's a nice thing - to say to a lifelong friend.
- (SNEEZES) Ah.
Ah.
I'm gonna kill you, Peter! - (GRUNTING) - All right, calm down.
Let's not use the rest of our oxygen to kill each other.
So if we're all gonna die anyway, what's the worst thing you guys have ever done? Okay, I'll go first.
Lois once killed a woman.
Seems like a secret about Lois.
Yeah.
But I picked out the woman.
Well, I, uh I, uh, went to a Coldplay concert by myself.
What? That's terrible.
- Why would you do that? - I like Coldplay! They were playing in Boston, so I made the trip.
Great show, I got to say.
Very visual.
It was visual.
I was at that show, too.
What? You were there? No, I'm just kidding.
(ALL LAUGHING) Uh, I like Lil Yachty, man.
I don't know nothin' about that mess.
But I did go to that show.
Didn't mean to.
I said "Kid 'n Play" on the phone, but they didn't understand me, so I got Coldplay.
One other time I said "Kid 'n Play" and I got Cirque du Soleil.
I'm thinking maybe Kid 'n Play doesn't perform anymore.
(RUMBLING) What's that sound? Probably just the movie in the next theater.
I hope the rest of the tunnel isn't about to collapse.
MAN: Hello? This is the Quahog Emergency Rescue Team.
We're gonna get you out of there.
- (LAUGHS) JOE: Oh, fresh air! - QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God! - PETER: Oh, my God! - QUAGMIRE: Oh, we're saved! So, uh, full disclosure, the last time I did this, the guy got torn in half.
Probably won't happen again, but they want me to say it.
We're saved.
- MAN 2: Probably saved.
- MAN: I told them.
All right, whatever we do, we're not gonna talk about kissing practice.
- Totally.
- No way.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't.
You guys ready to come up? We've been doing kissing practice and I'm the best at it.
(CHEERING) (CHEERING) Yay.
The cop.
Okay.
(WHIRRING, CLACKING) PETER (OVER RADIO): Stop.
Stop.
I'm stuck.
You're slightly too big for the hole.
Can you take off your shirt and come up in just pants? Is Rebecca the cashier from Rite Aid there? She is.
Can you have her turn around? (GRUNTING) Gross.
Oh, that's not Rebecca.
That's Gretchen.
That's fine.
Peter? - Oh, Lois.
- I just want To be the one you run to I just want to be the one you come to - I just want -(GRUNTS) What the hell were you thinking?! Peter, the whole reason you were grounded was because you were lying to me.
And then you lied to me about the tunnel.
(SIGHS) Look, I-I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry I lied about the credit card.
And I'm sorry I lied about the tunnel.
I know I was acting stupid, and I deserved to be grounded.
Peter, I don't want to have to ground you.
You're my husband.
I just don't want you to lie to me.
I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid.
Act like a man and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
- What? - I'm sorry, Lois.
That's just the tunnel talkin'.
So, Chris, you happy to have your dad back? Yeah, you know what, Tom, I think we're all gonna go home and charge our laptops a little longer tonight.
You just never know when you're gonna run out of juice and have to use your phone.
(CHOKED UP): You know, just because we're reporters doesn't mean we're devoid of emotion.
Go on and head home with your family.
Thanks, Tom.
That's a (SNIFFLES) that's a very horny kid right there.
Oh, it's so beautiful here.
Nothing but the best for my beautiful bride on her honeymoon.
I'm sorry, sir, the chef said he can't make a chocolate chip gumball pizza.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, that's okay.
It's not your fault.
I'll just need another minute then.
(SINISTERLY): Her.
I'm on it.
I love you so much.
Mwah.