Family Guy s18e14 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Ah! This is so exciting! I can't believe Daddy actually bought a Minor League Baseball team.
I love coming to the ballpark.
Drunken Irish in front of a fishbowl of minorities.
What could go wrong? Dad, what are you doing? This is tailgating, son.
It's where you bring all your trash and you leave it for someone else to deal with.
Here, help me get this Christmas tree out of the back.
(SNAPPING, CRACKING) Meg's estrogen supplements? (DEEP VOICE): I'll take that.
Thank you.
So, what do you think of your first tailgate, Stewie? It's so great.
Dad gave me a sip of beer.
I'm gonna mention that to my teacher, and it's gonna be a big problem.
Oh, there's Bonnie.
We always have so much fun at these things.
Hey, Bonnie, who's on first? Who, the person's name or the pronoun? Ha! And it goes on like this.
Hey, Joe, how's it going? Sorry, Peter, no time to talk.
- It's my day to shine.
- What? (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
Handicapped person at the ballpark Ramps, private escort, meet the team.
MAN: Is there a Joe Swanson? - (GRUNTS) - Right here! Meet me at that sad balcony! (ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE") Well, here it is.
What do you think? Wow, Daddy, it's beautiful! Yeah, it's really great up here.
There's free food, a bar, and you can drop a plastic spider on a string - on your friends below.
- Really? Go, Quahog! (SHOUTS) I fell trying to lower a spider.
Good afternoon, fans, and welcome to Minor League Baseball.
I'm your announcer, Johnny "Feedback" Robinson, - here to tell you about all the - (FEEDBACK) Whoa! Hold on, hold on.
SOUND TECH: Step back from the mic.
JOHNNY (DISTANTLY): Like this? Okay? Now for tonight's starting lineup! First, your coach, Frank "Cardiac Arrest" Ross.
(GROANING) And the pitching coach, Bill "Doesn't Know CPR" McGillicuddy.
Damn it! Where am I gonna get another coach? (MUNCHING) I'm on vacation! Aw, darn.
That would've been funny.
Hey, Griffin, you want to be a Minor League Baseball coach? Seriously? Heck yeah, I do! Oh, man, I haven't been this excited since I met Cool Hand Luke.
Wow.
You got a cool hand, Luke.
Yeah, well, he doesn't follow the crowd.
He plays by his own rules, and women respond to that.
Check this out.
"Hey, baby.
You're looking fine.
" (KISSING SOUNDS) "Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Mmm.
" Oh, that's hot.
You mind if I get in on that? "Oh, yeah.
"Mmm.
"Just FYI, I'm either gonna finish too quick or not at all.
" All right, Griffin, that cutaway convinced me that you are, in fact, sure of this.
Now get down in that dugout and do your job, Coach.
Aw, thanks, Carter! I won't let you down, or my name's not Peter "Little Bingo" Griffin.
All right, little bingo.
Let's go.
Little bingo here.
Not a lot of bingo.
Don't want to play bingo for a long time.
Short game of bingo.
Don't even have to play a little bingo.
Could play a little banjo.
Whoa, this guy knows what he's doing.
I don't know.
I'm not convinced yet.
Ducks on the pond, guys, ducks on the pond.
Chewing up bits of bread, pooping in the pond.
Ducks on the pond.
Some of 'em brown, some of 'em prettier All of 'em ducks.
Ducks on the pond.
I would follow him into hell.
- (CLACKING) - Morning, team.
Peter, do you really have to wear those in the house? Yes, I do.
I'm a baseball coach now.
You knew that when you married me.
Peter, you want some eggs? I actually brought my own breakfast today, thank you.
Ow.
Gross! What the hell, Dad? (SIGHS) Meg, can I, um can I see you in my office, please? Hey, thanks for coming.
Take a seat.
- What's up? - (SIGHS) This is This is really the toughest part of the business, isn't it? Oh, my God, are you trading me? Look, it's nothing personal.
You've been very professional as a family member, but here's the thing We're sending you down to American Dad.
No! What? No! Look, they're not excited about it either.
I guess I could call The Orville.
(SIGHS) I'll do American Dad.
- (ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE") - (CHEERING IN DISTANCE) Okay, boys, this is it.
Bottom of the ninth.
We just need a bleep, a bloop, a walk, a balk, another balk, and, of course, a little bingo.
Let's go! (CHEERING) That's it, boys! Walk-off home run! Get out there and tear his clothes off! He just won for us! - Get him! - (WHOOPING) Yeah! Punch him! Good! Curb him! Okay, now pull his shirt over his head and waterboard him with the Gatorade.
Yes! Cut him with knives! Good! Burn him with fire! Yes! Way to go, you! All this is happening because you did something well.
(LOIS MOANING) (SIGHS) I'm sorry, Lois.
I, I'm gassed.
What's wrong? You want me to get the wedge? - What's going on, Coach? - I'm losing it.
Maybe we should call in the kid.
Hey, no problem.
You went eight full minutes.
Bring in the kid! (LOIS GIGGLING) (GRUNTING) - (BAT CLANGING) - (PANTING) All right.
Bring us home, kid, bring us home.
Little bingo.
Ducks on the pond, furry ducks, little man in a boat.
If you can find it, you're a better man than I am.
I can't believe the Quahog Whooping Scalpers are actually going to the playoffs this year.
To Coach Griffin! Hey, thanks, guys.
All right, it's time for me to Oakley-load for tonight's game.
Okay.
Forehead Oakleys, round-the-neck Oakleys, brim-of-the-cap Oakleys, back-of-the-head Oakleys, tucked-into-my-shirt-collar Oakleys, Everglades fan boat Oakleys, and Ray-Bans for my eyes, because Oakleys are terrible.
(ORGAN PLAYING "LET'S GO") JOHNNY: All right, it's Bucket-O-Shrimp Night, brought to you by Rocco's Lukewarm Refrigerator Trucks.
Rocco's We got it there, didn't we? - (STOMACH GURGLING) - Hmm.
That child's beach toy full of gray baseball stadium shellfish isn't sitting right for some reason.
Maybe I should smoke a cigarette for the first time ever.
(GURGLING CONTINUES) Okay, not a fix for now but definitely something I immediately want to keep doing.
Probably best to just add something hot and acidic to the mix.
Burnt coffee! Get your burnt, re-microwaved coffee! I'll take one! (GURGLING CONTINUES) Oh, boy.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt, I think I have to go to the bathroom, sir.
Not now.
We're about to do the national anthem.
(ORGAN PLAYING "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER") Oh, boy.
(GRUNTS) It's like Medusa's hair in there.
(GURGLING) I can't stop it.
Must sit in a way that pinches my sphincter shut.
- (GASPING) - (NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD) JOHNNY: Oh, my! Looks like Coach Peter Griffin is taking a knee during your national anthem.
I'm Canadian.
What is he thinking "aboot"? What's he doing? He's not protesting the anthem, is he? (FARTS) Uh-oh.
Shrimp buckets! All-you-can-eat shrimp! Right here, dude.
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, joined tonight by a very special guest, Channel Five's own Tom Tucker Senior, who hasn't been on the air since 1964.
Take it away, Dad.
Thanks, Tom.
More and more women are choosing to work outside the home.
I call them prostitutes And that's a wrap for Tom Senior.
Our top story tonight, local baseball coach Peter Griffin took a knee during the national anthem today, joining the fight for equalit.
Well, just finished a load.
Gonna do the laundry next.
Dad, check it out! You're on the news for taking a knee during the anthem.
- What? - They called you a hero and an activist.
- A hero? - Yeah.
Because you took a knee to support the fight against police brutality.
Yeah, yes.
That's what I did.
I can't believe my dad's a hero.
Oh, I'm no hero.
I'm just a white guy doing what black people were already doing.
In other words, a hero.
Well, can I just say, as the famed family liberal, I think this activism is great, Peter.
Doesn't matter if it's me or, say, you who gets applauded for his progressive thinking, as long as the message is out there.
Thank you, Brian.
(CHUCKLES): Wow.
You-you are furious.
Not at all.
As long as the message gets out there.
I'm no different than my peers Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, Dr.
Martin Luther King.
Hey, did you ever notice he has the names "Doc" and "Marty" in his name? - Let it go.
- Hello, Twitter.
- (TWEET SOUND) - (RAPID CHIMING) And I have to move out again.
I don't know, Peter.
This all seems weird.
You never been interested in these issues before.
A-Are you sure you're not just exploiting a real social issue so that people can call you a hero? - You heard Tom Tucker.
- I'm an activist now.
I'm gonna go down in history, like my great-great-grandfather, John Wilkes Photo Booth Griffin.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Seinfeld, which keeps getting edited down more and more for syndication.
- No soup for - (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Funny show.
Drinks are on me tonight, thanks to your boy Peter.
Wow.
Thanks, Jerome.
Well, thank you for supporting the cause.
Wow, people just give you things now? Yeah.
Being an activist is great.
I get all kinds of respect now.
Check it out.
Here comes Cher to congratulate me.
Peter, that's just a barstool with a fur coat draped over it.
Oh.
Well, I see Robert De Niro headed this way.
That's a trash can with a moldy pumpkin on top.
Ah.
Well, I definitely see Michael Rapaport over there.
That's someone's Boston Market that fell on the floor.
- Peter, you okay? - Yeah, so many liberals patted me on the back today that I lost my glasses.
(EYELIDS PINGING) We're proud of you, Peter.
(GRUNTS) In some comics, this means I'm sleeping.
All right.
In order to prove I'm an activist, I need to yell at people who are just trying to buy milk on their way home from work.
Hello.
Hi.
Have a nice day.
Hi there.
Hello.
Do you have a minute to save a child's life? Yeah.
I guess.
You got a minute.
Ticktock.
What are you doing? 30 seconds now.
I'm listening.
What am I even convincing you of? Tell me why Smokey the Bear wears jeans but no shirt.
Why would they do that?! - Is that what this is all about? - That's what this is all about.
Peter, what the hell? It's okay, it's okay.
"I voted.
" So yeah.
- What does that matter?! - Oh, well, I'm a part of the national conversation now, and I voted.
So my hands are kinda tied, so yeah.
You know what? This whole activism thing has gone on long enough.
You knelt at one game.
It's not like opportunity's gonna come knocking on the door, offering you money for it.
(KNOCKING) Hi.
I'm the president of Nike.
How'd you like some money? LOIS: For crying out loud! Mr.
Griffin, we heard about your protest and we no-heartedly believe that, with your help, we can conflate buying our products with genuine activism.
- I voted.
- Yes.
And now we want to give you a lot of money to star in a commercial for us.
- What do you say? - Well, I have two questions.
- Will there be a stipend? - Yes.
Ah.
And what is a stipend? It's a fee for being in the commercial.
I'm in.
How do you know what's inside you unless you test yourself? Don't do one push-up, do 100.
Don't run one mile, - run a marathon.
- (HORNS HONKING) Don't have one family, have a second family all the way across the country.
Don't just have a second family, have a third family in Santa Fe with an alternative lifestyle.
Don't spend any time with the first two families, make a commitment to family number three, and double down by announcing it at his war-hero father's retirement party.
Don't go to the funeral, 'cause, remember, you got two other families to deal with and a marathon to train for.
Don't just let Kenneth walk out of your life, take his life from him.
Don't just go to jail, go to death row by killing the two other families.
Don't just let anyone have their closure by apologizing, send a message that you're not afraid of hell.
(BLEEP) Nike.
You may not know this, but our full name is Nichael.
Oh, my God! Peter Griffin! - Can I have your autograph? - Sure.
My friends are not gonna believe I met you.
'Cause I'm a known liar.
- Okay.
- I love you.
You're my hero.
- (SIGHS) - I can fly.
Okay, I'm ready to move on to the next person.
Well, now I don't know what to believe.
Carter.
What are you doing here? Peter, ever since you made that stupid commercial, my ticket sales have tanked! Thanks to you, people now think the Quahog Whooping Scalpers are racist! You want me to sign your boobs? Peter, your kneeling days are over.
Two strikes, two outs, bottom of the ninth, down by one, bases loaded, Pewterschmidt up.
(CHANTING): Carter! Carter! He grounded out in the second, struck out in the fifth.
Hasn't been his day.
Here's the wind-up, the pitch Strike three! And he knew it.
(GRUNTING) - (CHIRPING) - CARTER: Aw.
Cute.
Look at the little birds.
Oh.
Disney's not gonna like that.
Cleveland? Wha Where am I? Welcome to WaQuahog.
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, my God.
Why wasn't this The Cleveland Show? This entire episode would have been our season five premiere.
What happened to me? Where am I? Have you ever seen Black Panther? No.
No.
God, no.
Well, this is WaQuahog, a secret part of Quahog with technology more advanced than any nation.
We brought you here to help you after you were attacked for your activism.
Really? So I'm the only white guy who knows WaQuahog exists? Well, you and one Postmates guy.
Hey, I got your Taco Bell breakfast.
Thanks.
Oh.
I don't, uh, I don't see a soda with that.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Um do you want me to go back? Well, I mean kinda.
Okay, but since it's WaQuahog it'll probably be, like, - 45 minutes, at least.
- Yeah.
I mean, I ordered the soda 'cause I wanted the soda.
(SIGHS) Okay, man.
- See you in, like, an hour.
- Right on.
You better give him a big tip.
Pretty sure the tip is already built into the service charge.
Wow! So this is, like, a secret kingdom cut off from the rest of the world? We got everything you need down here.
Even our own WaQuahog TV channel.
Oh, The Jeffersons.
Yeah, but they edit all the shows for syndication.
- Weezy - Mmm yeah.
- Now LeBron's a Laker.
- A Laker's now LeBron.
Yeah, that's not really working out, but thanks for having me here, guys.
It is our pleasure.
We want to thank you.
By taking a knee, you showed the world that you see the terrible injustices our people face.
Of course, being an activist, you already know all about them.
Oh, boy.
This is more uncomfortable than sports announcers in a too-small booth.
So, the Cowboys come in to today's game winners of four of their last five.
So, Troy, what do they need to do to beat this Eagles team today? Well, Joe, you and I were talking over chopped liver and coffee this morning, and we said it has to start with the run game.
I remember after that we Lady-and-the-Tramp'd a croissant together and said this O-line needs to get healthy.
That's right, Joe.
And I hope the viewers out there can see by the fact that our lips are almost touching that we are truly excited about today's matchup.
Straight from your mouth into mine, partner.
We do hope you'll join us in protest by kneeling at the next game.
You bet I will! C-Can I, can I just ask one question, though? What are Migos? Peter, everyone has to find out what Migos are for themselves.
(ORGAN PLAYING "CHARGE") A lot of eyes on you today, Griffin.
I'm counting on you to do the right thing.
The only kneelin' I want around here is Kevin.
Hey, Mr.
Pewterschmidt Front row seats thanks for having me at the game.
Pleased to meet you, Kevin.
I've got some seats for you - in the front row.
- Oh, great! Thanks! - Line of coke.
Lead the way.
- Sure.
Hey, what do you say we take a pit stop in the little boys' room.
ANNOUNCER: And now, please rise for our national anthem to be sung by Kevin Nealon.
And I have no idea how he convinced me of that.
I thought we were just talking about other things.
Oh, man.
I don't know what to do.
Kneel with us, brother.
(SNORTS) Whoa! That is good bathroom cocaine.
- (KNOCKING) - Somebody's in this stall! That's it! Hey, listen up, everyone.
I have something I need to come clean about.
(MURMURING) Cleveland, people of WaQuahog, I didn't kneel during the anthem because I was an activist.
I kneeled because I had fairly brutal diarrhea, and I'm sorry.
If I could take it back, I would still kneel, but for the right reasons now.
I see the struggle you face, and you deserve everyone's support.
And, Carter, I know you're just trying to honor the troops.
- I never said that.
- But, honestly, why are we even playing the national anthem at a sports event? It's not a solemn occasion, like a military funeral or, or sex between Salma Hayek and Ed Norton.
It's a game.
The problem isn't with each other, it's with the song.
We need a new song, one that unites all people.
MAN: Why is your phone all pink and sparkly? - You're talking about it, aren't you? - Oh, snap.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new national anthem.
("THE HAMPSTERDANCE SONG" PLAYING) Yeehaw! Here we go ("THE HAMPSTERDANCE SONG" CONTINUES) I'm making my way to the bathroom.
I have to poop again.
Well, I'm glad all that controversy is over and we got our old Peter back.
But I kinda miss Meg.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
She got traded to American Dad.
I hear she's doing great.
(AMERICAN DAD THEME PLAYING) Good morning, USA Ba-da-ba-da-ba, Stan's the dad And the alien's gay And then there's a fish and a boy and a girl Hey! Shut up, Meg.
Oh.
So it's just gonna be the same? Yup.
Yeah.