Family Guy s18e16 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (SLURPS) Ah.
Nothing like drive time radio to remind me that I don't make enough to afford satellite radio.
DEVIN: Hey-hey! You're listening to WQHG 97.
1, and we are Devin and Lawrence, formerly known as Weenie and The Butt.
LAWRENCE: That's right, Devin.
Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women came forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against each of us.
HIGH VOICE: De-De-De-Devin and Lawrence! SINGERS: Sexual misconduct 97.
1 FM.
DEEP VOICE: Rebranded to phase out Weenie and the Butt! SINGERS: WQHG 97.
1.
HIGH VOICE: They got Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd, Me-Too'd! SINGERS: But there were still six months on their contract - Overlooking that for now.
- DEEP VOICE: FM! HIGH VOICE: Devin, Devin, Devin and Lawrence! DEEP VOICE: Court-ordered overcorrection! (RATTLING) Damn it, what's wrong with the AC? DEVIN: And don't forget, Quahog is expected to experience record-high temperatures this week, according to our respected meteorologist - Dr.
Jessica Sturgess.
- (HONKING, TIRES SQUEALING) Formerly known as Weather Girl Aah-Ooh-Gah Knockerson.
(SIREN WAILING) Sir, could you please roll down your window? I can't.
I spilled honey on it and it won't move.
Please just step out of the vehicle.
(CLACK) (STRAINING) Sir, you were swerving back there.
Plus, you're drowning in sweat.
Have you been drinking? No.
I don't start drinking till until the drive home.
Why are you slurring your words? Sorry, I had Cap'n Crunch for breakfast.
The roof of my mouth is in shreds.
(CHUCKLES) I find that story relatable.
You're free to go.
Man, I can't believe that cop thought I was lying.
The only time I lie is when I play poker.
ANNOUNCER: It's make-or-break time.
$75 million at stake.
Betting starts with Peter Griffin.
Ooh, he's not looking at much of anything right now.
And those mirrored sunglasses, not doing him any favors.
All in.
(PHONE RINGING) Got to take this.
It's my wife.
(WHISPERS): Are you here? Okay, you two just hang out in the store while I return this keyboard.
I'm going to watch the older boys play Fortnite, because I'm not old enough to play Fortnite myself.
Hi.
I'd like to return this keyboard.
Was there something wrong with it? Well, it said it was designed for writers, but when I sat down to work, it just wasn't flowing through me.
- Do you have a receipt? - Uh, no.
- (YELLING, GRUNTING) - Can't you just look it up? Do you have the credit card you used to pay for it? I actually paid using store credit for another return.
Do you have the original packaging for the item? (CHUCKLES): No.
No, that's that's probably with the receipt.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) (OVER SPEAKERS): Manager who's dishearteningly younger than me to the service counter, please.
This better not be another overring.
Corpowate's gonna have my ass.
Well, we can probably throw out this sunflower butter now that Stewie's classmate with the peanut allergy died.
Oh, there you are, Peter.
Listen, I need you to Why are you so sweaty? The AC in my car broke.
Not from the honey.
And fat-guy sweat is like a battleship.
Once it gets going, you can't just turn it around.
So until the weather cools off, you're gonna be dealing with a slippery walrus.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a potential rival to my beach supremacy.
(BELLOWING, GRUNTING) Now? No, let them tire themselves out.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Dad, what are we doing here? Now that I sweat all the time, it's just natural that I be a very sweaty bomb defuser.
(BEEPING) Steady.
You can do this.
All you gotta do is remember the song you learned in bomb school.
Green is good and green is good And red is good and yellow is good And clip whatever you want.
Now, who can tell me what he did wrong? He made up a song about cutting wires? He made up a song about cutting wires.
Don't do that, guys.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Indiana Jones and the Temple Beth Shalom.
You must be Mr.
Jones.
It's Dr.
Jones.
(GASPS) Oh, a doctor.
You should meet my frumpy daughter.
Wow.
What are you all dressed up for? Well, thanks to my car's AC breaking, I've been asked to be an overly sweaty Southern lawyer during a landmark civil rights case.
Mr.
Griffin, you may proceed.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): May it please the court, Your Honor, opposing counsel, members of the jury, Madam Stenographer, Bailiff Clarence, Snack Cart Steve, elderly widows with paper fans, woman in the third row with a flower hat, Deputy Fife, Boo Radley, Yay Radley, Herman Munster judge, lazy dog who wandered in due to the heat, crazed Al Pacino, old Robert Duvall, young Robert Duvall, in-between Robert Duvall, the books of John Grisham.
The defense rests.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jesse Eisenberg and Emma Stone in Opposite Eye Sizes.
Sorry, guys.
All I have left are one pair of extra-large contact lenses and one pair of extra-small.
BOTH: Uh, we'll be fine.
Well, I just got off the phone with the electronics store.
Your stupid fight caused $3,000 worth of damage.
Well, I'm not very good at math.
Y-You lost me.
- A thousand dollars.
- Wow! - Another thousand dollars.
- (LAUGHS): Oh, my goodness! A third thousand dollars.
Now you lost me again.
I don't think Chris can count to three.
How are we gonna pay 'em back? Whoa, what do you mean, "we"? Yeah, do you expect all nine of us to chip in? Come on, we got to think of some way to raise that money in a hurry.
Good afternoon, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
OUR TOP STORY: actor, director and odd-nostriled punch line Zach Braff has successfully Kickstarted another movie.
The shameless film star who made a movie college kids used to like is again asking people who have less to give him more.
That's it! We'll set up a Kickstarter for the three grand we need.
But, Brian, people don't just donate money on Kickstarter.
It has to go toward some sort of project.
Okay, then we'll say we're making a movie.
And who will we get to direct? We'll raise the money we need, pay back the store, and then e-mail the backers, saying we ran into trouble and couldn't finish the project.
Great idea, Brian.
Much better than that version of Free Solo narrated by a concerned Midwestern mom.
MIDWESTERN MOM: Oh, that's too high, Alex.
That's too high.
Oh, I can't watch.
Now, now, why wouldn't you just have a nice lunch at Applebee's? - (BIRD SCREECHES) - I like that bird, though.
Griffin, why is this floor wet? Oh, sorry, that's from me.
I-I got a little perspiration problem.
Hey, what time is our meeting, Oscar? It's Aah! Sorry.
What time is our meeting, Aah-scar? Damn it, Griffin, you've become a liability in this office.
- Why? 'Cause I'm drunk and have a gun? - No.
- 'Cause of the cocaine? - No.
'Cause I use office petty cash to have sex with high-end escorts? No.
But your perspiration has become a serious problem.
I'm afraid you're going to have to work from home - until you get it under control.
- All right, if you insist.
Hey, Candy, sorry I couldn't finish 'cause I'm so freakin' gacked on ski powder.
I thought the gun would get me there.
Anyway, here's the office cash.
Careful of the wet floor.
You're pregnant.
So, Dad, are you excited for your first day - of working from home? - Yes, but I'm very late.
Busy dad morning goodbyes.
(CHEERING) (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) Forgot my phone.
(CHEERING) (PHONE RINGS) (WHISPERS): Are you here? So, Mom, you're okay with Dad working in the house - all the time? - Oh, yeah, it's nice having a coworker.
'Cause being a housewife is a full-time job.
For some pretty tough bosses! (CHUCKLING) (CHRIS CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) Hi.
So, is this your break time? - No, sir.
- Oh, okay.
I was wondering if my watch was off, maybe.
- It's not.
- You see, Mom, we try to stay focused on the task at hand here at Griffin, Griffin, Griffin, Griffin and Griffin.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Good morning.
Griffin, Griffin, Griffin and Griffin.
Huh.
I thought our letterhead had five Griffins on it, Meg.
But you were right to leave one of them off, because you're (BLEEP) fired.
(BEEP) - (LINE RINGS) - LOIS: Uh, hello? Hey, Lois.
I'm at the small bodega in the living room lobby trying to pick out a new baby card for Janine.
Wai Who's Janine? (CHUCKLES): Yeah, right? Anyway, should I get one with a baby with SpaghettiOs on his head, like, "This is what it's gonna be like", or one with a stork with an injured back? Peter, I don't care.
Well, time to live out my dream of becoming a bodega cat.
PETER'S VOICE: I'm between the breads.
Again, I want to say I'm so glad all of our schedules lined up so we can work together.
And, as a reminder, we've got New York on the line.
- New York, are you there? - (CAR HORNS HONKING) Stewie, is there anyone specific on the line in New York? Brian, you're just showing your ignorance.
The phrase is, "New York on the line".
- (HORN HONKS) - MAN: Hey, buddy, move that piece of junk! Go Mets! And that's the best city we have.
All right, so, we've heard from New York.
- What have you guys got? - This, this can't be the meeting.
New York, I'm gonna put you on hold for a second.
Brian, you're embarrassing us in front of New York.
Now get it together.
All right, let's show them the pitch video we put together.
My name's Stewie, and this camera saved my life.
I was born on the wrong side of the tracks.
My father made holes in belts, and my mother was the Italian guy on a pizza box.
The old man wanted me to go into the family business.
MAN: Hey! I don't hear any holes being holed! I want to make movies, Pa! Don't make me beat you with the instrument with which I make holes in belts! It's called an awl, Pa! You son of a bitch! Ma! Do something! FEMALE VOICE: Frank, no! STEWIE: Six months later, my old man died when they canceled The Tony Danza Show.
The one that was on during the day.
Anyway, all that is why I want to make a movie about a dog who joins a hockey team.
Morning, handsome.
Mwah.
Now, Lois, you have been accused of an unwanted touching.
- When? - Just now.
- Just before the flip.
- Uh, this is ridiculous.
Lois, please.
Now, the way this works is we simply gather information and I make up my mind an hour ago.
Peter, please tell us what happened.
I'm sitting there at my desk, trying to watch porn on sites you guys haven't figured out yet, and she comes in and kisses me.
(CRYING) Now, Barbara, the reason you are here at Super HR is there's been an accusation of unwanted touching and an overly sexualized work environment.
That's it.
Peter, no more working from home.
I want you to go back to the office.
Peter, how can the company make this right? Bring back Lay's WOW chips with Olestra.
Mr.
Griffin, those chips were recalled in the '90s for causing explosive diarrhea.
You heard me.
- (CHIPS CRUNCHING) - Mmm.
So good.
(STOMACH GURGLING) Uh-oh.
(EXPLOSIVE FART) All right, boys, get me up to speed.
Brian! Chris! Stewie, what's the matter? Our Kickstarter What? (STAMMERS) Did we not hit our goal? I also want to ask a question without looking at the screen.
Oh, oh, we hit it all right.
Whoa.
We actually have to make this thing.
Gentlemen, it's time to start inappropriately touching actresses on the casting couch.
Okay, I have been made aware of the allegations.
Is there anything you can say on your behalf? I'm trans? You just won HR.
All right.
Dishes washed, kids off to school, taking my boobs out of my bra.
(SIGHS) Alexa, play Mom Spa channel.
(CALMING MUSIC PLAYING) All right, you're gonna have to catch me up.
I just stepped off a bird from Omaha, and I have a very tight window.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
I don't have the bandwidth for this right now.
This is a lot for me to unpack, honestly.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Well, I'm gonna have to circle back with Ken to get it past the goal line.
Unless, Wendy, do you want to run it up the flagpole? Well, at the end of the day, it is what it is.
Look, look, look.
Listen, listen.
Look, listen, look, look, listen, listen.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but when push comes to shove, look, listen, look.
Okay, I'm gonna put a pin in this.
I got to go crowd the gate so people think I'm in first class, even though I'm in boarding group seven.
- (BEEP) - Peter, for God's sake, can I not just have 15 minutes of peace and quiet in my own kitchen? All right, I'll stay out of your way.
I will simply do my work and not say a word.
(WHIRRING) (SIGHS) Peter, we are gonna have to fi WOMAN (OVER P.
A.
): Attention, please, we are gonna begin pre-boarding Flight 238 to Scottsdale, beginning with our first-class and Prestige members.
Oh, that's me.
I got to go.
Scuse me, is there any way I can get on the plane now, even though I'm in the seat whose back touches the bathroom? Okay, welcome to the first official table read for The Untitled Kickstarter Project.
Chris will be on speakerphone from down the hall, and, as a reminder, that may result in a five-second delay.
So, now to hand it over to our writer extraordinaire, - Mr.
Brian - CHRIS: Hi, everyone! There's the delay.
- Brian Griffin, take it away.
- Thank you, Stewie.
And before we get started, I would like to officially thank Stewie for spearheading this project, and I'd like to thank Chris for his help scouting all the locations.
Now, scene one.
We open on a suburban Aw, you're welcome, Brian! Happy to pitch in.
Yeah, speaking of scouting, you sure got good at scouting the location of the nearest Burger King.
Okay, scene one.
We open on a suburban home, where a party is in full swing.
- There is a knock at the - (LAUGHS) I do like Burger King! At the door.
The teenage son answers it.
Well, if it isn't my favorite uncle.
Why-why did we give him the lead part? Chris, we're having a little delay issue here, so try and come in a little sooner, yeah? Roger that.
Okay.
The teenage son stares at the man in the doorway, - and they exchange an intense - Back so soon, Uncle Cornelius? Okay, Chris, that was a little too soon.
Bri look, what we're gonna do is, Brian Why didn't you come to my mom's funeral? No, no, Chris, we're pausing for a second.
All right? Okay, okay, Brian, here's what we're gonna do.
You're going to slap the table halfway through your line, and, Chris, when you hear the slap on your end, that's when you talk.
Everyone got that? Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Uncle Cornelius stands in the doorway in stunned silence not knowing what to say but knowing he should say something.
Well, do you have anything to say for yourself? - (QUIETLY): This is working.
- You're damn right I do! Uncle Cornelius slaps the table in anger as he walks across to pour himself a gin and I'll return your pearl-handled revolver one bullet at a time! Okay, let's just shoot it.
It all works.
I just want to thank everyone for all their hard work today.
You're welcome! What the hell? (KEYS CLACKING) Oh, hi, Peter.
Like what I've done with the place? I'm not sure what you have done.
Well, since you decided to turn our house into an office, I decided to make it into a public work space for everyone to enjoy.
Principal Shepherd? Oh, hey, Peter.
John Shepherd of Shepherd Marketing.
(QUIETLY): Eye contact, firm handshake.
We can put your logo on anything: a mug, a set of pens, a mug.
I, uh I don't have a logo.
Funny you should say that, because our art department could whip you something up.
Hmm, let's see.
Peter, Peter Penis? Let's just fire up Windows 98.
You like that, right on the mug? Uh, n-no.
No, thank you.
Lois, what do you think you're doing? Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, Peter.
Just creating a nice work environment for you.
For instance, I also piped in easy listening music throughout the house.
Doo doo doo "Ode to My Family" by the Cranberries? Lois, you know once I hear that, I can't get it out of my head.
(CHUCKLES) Don't worry.
It's not the whole song.
It's just the Doo doo doo doo Part on repeat.
That's the catchiest part! Well, you better get to work.
It's already 9:15.
Come on, Peter, focus.
You can do this.
Doo doo doo doo, doo And send.
All right.
Let's see what Griffin's been up to.
Hmm.
I've been saying that to corporate for years.
I got your mug, Peter.
That'll be $59.
99.
I got a Square here, so we can take care of the transaction in-house.
Geez, seems kind of pricey.
Well, we could bring that down to $29.
99, but you'd have to buy 4,000 of them.
Fruit Baskets Covered in Cellophane.
How may I help you? Long, juicy bananas and melon balls.
No, I know you hadn't asked me a question.
I was just thinking about another part of my day.
- (ALARM RINGING) - Okay! Fire drill! Everyone out in the hot sun for an hour, with no information as to when we're coming back! - Damn it, Lois.
I can't take this! - (RINGING STOPS) Huh.
Maybe you'd be better off working from your office.
But I thought you'd like having me around the house all day.
I thought so, too, Peter.
But maybe it was too much of a good thing.
You know I love you, but if this marriage is gonna survive, I think you need to be gone for most of it.
I guess you're right.
When you look at it, most marriages are just a couple hours a night.
I'm sorry I was getting on your nerves, being home so much.
I'll call Bert and ask him if I can come back to the office.
Thank you, Peter.
I love you so much.
- I love you, too.
- Mmm.
Hey, I went ahead and ordered those 4,000 penis mugs for you.
I don't want those.
Well, what am I supposed to do with them? May I propose a merger? The secret of my success is I'm living.
Wow, we did it.
We actually made a movie.
Yeah, I don't want to call this a movie.
We made a film.
We made a film, guys.
And we even had $300,000 left over to buy snacks.
"M-Movie snacks are very expensive" is, is-is the joke.
(QUIETLY): Here we go.
(BARKING) - (BOOING) - MAN: This is garbage! MAN 2: I'm just happy for a night out.
(BOOING CONTINUES) Now, who can tell me what they did wrong? They were no-talent jerks who made a Kickstarter movie? They were no-talent jerks who made a Kickstarter movie.
Don't do that, guys.