Family Guy s18e19 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! You're watching CBS, the loudest channel on TV.
Previously on NCIS Ah, son of a bitch! So, what kind of Navy crime do we have today? - Dad, it hurts! - I'll show you.
Follow me to our windowless, high-tech room.
I love you, Peter.
Drive the van faster! He's headed towards the Port of Washington, D.
C.
, where our Navy is held.
I'm browning out.
See you on the other side.
We interrupt this program for an update on the weather.
Record rains continue as Hurricane Michael Caine has stalled over the Rhode Island coast.
Experts say Hurricane Michael Caine is 100 times more impressive than Hurricane Dean Cain, which just seems silly now.
- Oh, my God.
- What are we gonna do now? Ah, well, at least we're all here, and we're all safe.
- Where's Brian? - Oh, my God.
When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.
It's okay, Lois, I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.
Guys? Guys? All right, well, TV's out, no Internet.
Let's all just go to the bathroom and pretend we can't hear each other go.
So, Chris, did you get back your Industrial Revolution term paper? I did.
I got an 11.
Is-is that good? No, it's quite bad.
Hey, guys, the splatter on the floor was already here.
I used four of the five towels to clean it up.
Seriously, guys, what are we gonna do in here? Well, maybe there's something in this drawer we can all play with.
Hair gel, condom.
Boy, the last guy who stayed here was super cool.
And there's a book in here that makes you tired just by looking at it.
A book called "T," written by Holly Bibble.
"Uh, Peter, I think that's the Holy Bible" Is what Brian would say if he wasn't drowning in our backyard.
When he's gone, can we get a bird? Read some, Peter, you'll love it.
It's Harry Potter for stupid people.
Hey, guys, could you tone it down? This is offensive to the open-button shirt necklace community.
Okay "The Street James Bibble.
" Page I.
Seriously, could somebody else read this? "In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the sitcom joke that goes, 'That went well.
'" "And the first man and woman, Adam and Eve.
" I think the leaf over my balls is poison ivy.
What should we do today? I don't know, but you're looking pretty hot.
You should wear this to work more often.
Hey, that's sexual harassment.
Oh, so, should I stop? Yes, in about 10,000 years.
Hey, while I got you, there's nothing to do down here.
When are you gonna invent the American Office on Netflix? I-I just feel like they're not grateful.
You know, I-I gave them water, the sun, a clear road map to hating gays.
So, uh, you want to name more stuff? Ugh, that's all we ever do.
Yeah, and there's still six billion things left to name.
Okay, I'll start.
That green, leafy thing.
That's a Casey.
That thing flying through the sky there Casey.
You can't name everything Casey.
All right, fine, Eve.
What's the word for that thing flying through the sky? - I don't know bird.
- Oh, bird? - Bird is the word? - Bird? - Bird.
- Bird? Bird.
Bird is the word.
Peter, cut it out! You know, charades are a thing people do.
Anyone mind if I open fragrant Doritos in a tiny room? Ooh Oh! Ugh It smells like horse crap.
What flavor is it? "Cattle Ranch Doritos.
" Relax, Lois.
Family Guy has long been sponsored by Axe body spray.
Axe? There.
Now we all smell like a nightmare Tinder date.
Okay, you two, I'm going away for the weekend.
My girlfriend got a piece in an art show, and I'd look like a dick if I didn't go.
It's a pot that no one's allowed to use.
Don't even suggest putting keys in it.
Did everyone who submitted to the art show get in? Yes.
But again, don't want to be a dick.
So, if you're looking for me this weekend, I'll be nibbling terrible cheese cubes with Santa Fe people who couldn't cut it in the real world.
Are any of them named Melody? They're all named Melody! Coming.
Well, I gotta go get yelled at for being late to something I didn't want to go to in the first place.
All right, before I go, I got two rules.
No putting your penis in the gopher holes, and no apples.
You can trust us.
Ow! That went well.
Oh, my God, that's so funny.
'Cause it didn't go well.
- Adam, would you like a pear? - Apple.
- Orange? - Apple.
- Grape? - Apple.
- Peach? - Apple.
- Nectarine? - Casey.
- Cantaloupe? - Apple.
- Honeydew? - Apple.
- Clementine? - Apple.
Hey, you guys looking for some apples? You know, I could go for an apple.
No.
Adam, remember what God said.
About his nightmare girlfriend's art show? 'Cause that's all I remember about that poor guy.
No.
He said if we eat the apple we're kicked out of paradise.
- They have antioxidants.
- They do? Why would I lie? I'm a snake in a tree.
I have nothing to gain from lying to you, aside from the minor sexual thrill of watching someone eat something.
And-and that's minor.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
Okay, good.
Now, Adam can't be here.
Eat it with your feet, and look at me when you do it.
What the hell happened here?! Uh, it's not our fault.
You created the most tempting thing man has ever known a piece of fruit.
That's it, you two are kicked out of paradise.
Unless you want to buy a nice pot.
Can I put my keys in it? - No.
- Fine, we'll leave.
But where will we live? The opposite of Eden.
Well, Florida, time to fit in.
Let's go have sex with gum in our mouths.
Then what happened? - They populated the Earth.
- How? - They had kids.
- Okay, but then, what did they do? They had kids, too.
- With who? - They were fruitful.
- With who? - Well, the girls with either their brothers or their fathers, and the boys with either their sisters or their mothers.
That's disgusting.
No, Meg, that's the Bible.
Are we just gonna let that guy in the parking lot keep screaming at his girlfriend? Peter, get away from the window.
Shh, shh, shh.
If we're quiet, you can hear every fifth word.
Always - never - my friends Michelob Ultra! All right, back to the Bible.
And again, you'll let me know if another older, heavyset woman wanders by in nothing but a T-shirt? Why did we choose this motel? This is any motel.
Now, here's a story about a bunch of animals who went on a cruise.
Noah, I want you to build an ark.
Right.
- What's an ark? - A large ship.
40 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.
Right.
What's a cubit? Wait a minute, are you just doing Bill Cosby bits? Yeah, why not? All of his stuff is up for grabs.
What is he gonna do, sue us? Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.
"Noah was feeding his children chocolate cake for breakfast.
" Dad is great.
Give us chocolate cake.
Dad is great.
Give us chocolate cake.
Terrific.
Okay, kids, that's enough.
We're done stealing from "Dr.
" Cosby.
Now it's time to get ready for school.
There's no school today.
There was another mass stoning.
Ugh, another school stoning.
When will we learn? If only those teachers had stones, then they could stone back.
Hello? Stone control.
Shem, stones don't kill people.
People kill people.
With stones.
I don't think the Founding Fathers ever envisioned stones this large.
Can we not politicize the stoning? All right? Thoughts and prayers.
Thoughts and prayers for the bashed.
Oh, hey, honey, two things.
I stopped taking my lithium, and I'm building an ark for God.
- Those things seem related.
- They're not related.
- They're fighting again.
- Shh.
If you're quiet, you can hear every fifth word.
- Always - never They're my animals Michelob Ultra! "To build the ark, Noah stole the wood from the front of his neighbor's house.
" No, no, no, no, Noah! "And the animals came, two by two, and were given poorly assigned rooms.
" All right, uh, lions, you'll be with the baby antelopes.
Uh, crocodiles, you're with the water-crossing wildebeests.
Uh, bats, you'll be with bugs.
Seagulls, McDonald's wrappers.
Pit bulls and city babies.
And Christian Bale and annoying cameramen.
Hey, Christian, looks like I'm rooming with you.
Oh, good for you! "Soon, the Great Flood came "and the ark set sail.
"Then, like every father on a boat, Noah quickly became a total dick to his family.
" Is that a half-hitch knot? Uh yeah.
Well, if it's a half-hitch, it's not gonna hold.
It's gotta be a reef knot.
You call yourself a sailor? - I don't know.
- Can I talk to you portside? Why are you heading starboard? I said portside.
I don't I don't understand what's happening.
I really don't.
Why Why would you go starboard if I said portside? Look, why don't I tie the knots, you polish the teak.
Can you do that? Wait, you're gonna polish the teak on the windward side? I ca I can't Is this Is this guy for real? It's gonna make a mess.
You have to do it on the leeward side.
- Sorry.
- Never mind.
Just take a break.
All right? I left a Penthouse magazine for you in the aft cabin.
Oh, suddenly he's Popeye.
Okay, guys, now remember to use the right bathrooms.
All right, you're either "pellets" or "piles.
" Excuse me, what about green smooshies? Oi, yeah, wombat here.
What if my poop is a perfect cube? It's a real thing you can Google, it's really quite remarkable.
Okay, God, we're doing it.
Good.
And you brought all the animals? - Yup.
- Lions? - Yup.
- Tigers? - Yup.
- Spiders? - Mm-hmm.
- W-Wait, w-why'd you say it like that? - Did you not bring spiders? - I don't like spiders.
And-and technically, they're not animals, they're arachnids.
- Don't do that.
- Do what? You know what I meant.
Snakes? - Oh, come on! - I-I got a lot of stuff! 39 days later I'm sorry I threw the Monopoly board overboard on the third day.
I was mad I couldn't be the hat.
Well, at least we still have The Game of Life.
I'm the blue car.
Um, I'm-- I'm already the blue car.
Sorry I threw The Game of Life overboard.
All right, let's play Risk until it's clear I can't win.
Look! A bird on the horizon! Ah! Giant Bible bird! Aah! Somebody throw away the balled-up underwear in my room! Don't look at it! Just throw it away! Ah, look! Land! Pale-Israel-stein.
Now let's divide it into banks and strips as one normally does with land.
"Shem and Ham married their mom, "while she and Noah remained the best of friends.
"Noah even danced with Ham at his second marriage "to his daughter.
"Shem and Ham had twins named Phlegm and Yam, "who married each other and gave birth to Noah's next daughter-wife.
" And that's the story of the Great Flood.
Now God only brings natural disasters to places that have too much butt stuff going on.
God, if you stop this rain, I promise I'll never do butt stuff.
God, if you stop this rain, I'll never do butt stuff again.
Let it pour.
This is fun.
Read us something else, Dad.
You got it, Chris.
How about this laminated motel information sheet? "Checkout is noon.
"Must dial nine to reach outside prostitute.
"In the event of fire, "follow the older heavyset lady in just a T-shirt.
"There are no dining facilities on-site, "but guests are encouraged to visit the Applebee's, which is a short walk across the six-lane highway.
" Well, we might have to brave that walk.
I'm starving.
Oh, God, I made eye contact with someone looking for shelter.
Guys? Guys? Lot of street signs whipping around out here.
I had an umbrella, but as this is a comedy, you can imagine what happened to it.
Let's see what's in the mini-fridge.
There's nothing in here to eat but crackers and screw-top wine.
Who buys a comb out of a mini-fridge? - Guys? - Crackers and wine? You know, that actually reminds me of another Bible story: The Last Supper.
"It was the week before Easter, "and Jesus and Mary Magdalene were dyeing eggs "with that cheap messy coloring kit from the drugstore "that has those weird paper things that are like costumes for the eggs but never really fit around the eggs" Hey.
Hey, Mary.
The half-orange, half-red one is mine, so don't eat it.
I wanna have it for when we watch The Sound of Music on Sunday.
We don't have to wait till Sunday.
We can eat these eggs tonight.
Oh.
Sorry, I got that big supper with the guys tonight.
But tomorrow's Friday, date night.
You and me.
Nothing's keepin' me from that.
Somebody'd have to nail me to a piece of wood and throw me in a cave grave.
You're having supper with your disciples? What's the big occasion? Ah, we're drafting teams for our fantasy football league.
And if one guy isn't there, it screws it all up for everybody.
Like last time, Paul was on his speaker phone, and we were like, "Paul, you're up," and he'd be like, "I'm what?" And we'd say, "You're up.
" And he'd be like "Oh, okay, um, Randy Moss.
" And we'd say, "Thomas picked Randy Moss, he's off the board.
" And he'd say, "What?" It just it just really sucked.
Well, I guess if your friends are expecting you, - you have to go.
- Right? Okay, I'll see ya.
Are you sure you don't want to change? That's the same robe you wore to the leper colony.
I don't know, maybe throw it in the dryer at least? Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not taking advice about germs from a whore.
Mr.
Pilate, I'm here to file a complaint.
It's Passover, and somebody tricked me into eating leavened bread! Look, I'm from Rome.
If it isn't spaghetti, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Now get out of here! Grace! Grace, am I done? Can I go home? Ooh, not yet.
You still have that meeting with that Judas Iscariot regarding that Jesus fella.
Ugh, right, Jesus.
Man, that guy's a pain in the ass.
Oh, well, he's very popular.
The lepers, the Canaanites, the fishermen, the Philippians, that woman at the well.
Oh, they all love him.
They think he's a righteous dude.
Wasn't that cool? That was really her.
Edie McClurg.
Thanks, Edie.
Hey, man, what's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening.
What are you, high? What the hell is that? Listen, I got 30 pieces of silver if you narc on your friend Jesus.
Oh, I don't know.
Seems like kind of a slimy thing to do.
I will also throw in two dirty tennis balls.
Well, lead with that, man! Yeah! Okay, we're all gonna be at the Jerusalem El Torito at 5:15.
5:15? Yeah, it's a very big group.
It was either that or 10:45.
Did it go off yet? No.
Stop askin' me.
I thought we had a reservation.
So did I.
So did I.
I just went to the bathroom.
The whole patio's open.
Yeah, but are there heating lamps? 'Cause I can hear Simon already: "Beep.
Beep-boop.
Beep-boop-beep.
Ba" We get it, it's cold.
- "Christ"? - Oh, yes, that's us.
Ed Christ? Uh, no, no, Jesus Christ.
I'm Ed Christ.
Great.
Is your whole party here? Almost, my wife Stephanie is out pooping on some hay, but she is here.
How's this? All right, that's great.
Hey, guys, I want to have fun with the seating.
Let's do it boy, boy boy, boy boy, boy boy, boy.
And let's all sit on the same side of the table.
Can I start you folks off with anything to drink? Yes, we'll all be splitting one cup of wine.
And can we have some bread and no other food at all? Wow.
Let me guess, you're Jewish? Yes, although my first name is oddly Puerto Rican.
Friends, followers, there's something important we must discuss.
Remember the Pizza Hut Bigfoot Pizza from the '90s? That thing was huge.
I mean, I-it was, like, this big.
Your photos will be available in the lobby when your meal is over.
O-Okay, uh, thank you.
Thank you.
Sorry about that, I was kind of right in the middle of my thing.
Anyway, there's something else you should know.
Before the night is over, one of you will betray me.
This is some bullcrap.
I'm the only one who's the color we're supposed to be in this thing.
Yeah, let's not be so quick to judge here.
- We're better than tha - Quiet down, Judas.
There's a Judas among us.
And it's Luke! Oh, good, I thought I was too late.
Wait what h-hey! - What are you doing? - Kissing you, like in the plan.
The old "Judas Kiss.
" No, it's Jesus who gets the kiss.
And did you did you close your eyes? Oh, so I kiss Jesus, then? - No, I do.
- Well, who do I kiss? All right, I'm not leaving here until I kiss a guy.
It's the only reason I joined the army.
Okay, good, here's the bread.
Now everybody listen up.
Take this, and eat it.
It's supposed to be, like, my body.
- Ew, what part? - I'm not gonna say what part, but you're supposed to eat it while kneeling.
All right, now it's a party.
Okay, now pass this wine around.
You're never gonna believe what this is supposed to be.
Happy, happy birthday, from all of us to you We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too, hey! Ah, son of a bitch! All right, forget it.
You know what? This whole thing is ruined.
Okay? We'll just do it next week.
I mean, it's not like this is our last supper.
Hey, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to arrest this guy.
Relax, man, it's a party.
That's enough.
All right, you're coming with me, buddy.
Listen, pal, I forgive you, because you know not what you do, but get the hell out of here.
I ain't leaving.
You are.
Oh, you think so? "It was a chicken fight of biblical proportions.
"And then, there was Easter.
"Also, pregnant ladies have to have the baby.
The end of the Bible.
" - Hey! - The lights are on! That vent is dripping again.
And it looks like the storm has passed.
Great, let's get out of here.
Oh, it wasn't so bad, Meg.
We got to spend time as a family, and read a few stories from the Bible.
You're right.
And look, somebody bookmarked another page for us.
Maybe there's one more story we can all learn an important lesson from oh, oh, it's a whole big toenail.
Okay, all right, last one across the highway to Applebee's has to pay.
You gotta cross at the light! - Shut up! - What did you say?! Oh, we doin' this? - We doin' this?! - You're damn right we are! Watch out, I got God on my side, I will (BLEEP) kill you! Well, it's good to be home.
I'm glad our house survived the hurricane.
Yeah, now we got three months of sour-smelling house to look forward to while it dries out.
I was left to die.
Chris, you kept the Bible? Yeah.
I think I'm gonna get a job as a night security guard and just read it constantly.
I'm already putting lots of notes in the margins.
"And the king said unto her, "'What aileth thee?' And she answered, "'This woman said unto me, give thy son, "that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow.
So we boiled my son, and did eat him.
'" Second Kings 6:28-20.
- But you already knew that.
- Look, man, I was just seeing if anyone dropped off my umbrella at the lost and found.
Well, let's see.
There's got to be something in here for that.
Hey, you ever read Dianetics? No, but I believe it.
And that is why I'm not gay.