Family Guy s19e01 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (LOUD CROWD CHATTER) God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings.
It's all just weird foreign sports fans, like those Pakistani cricket hooligans.
If you are not rooting for Lahore, please you may leave, I can tell you! Lahore cricketers are the best, and the others are not the best, dear friends.
I'm for Karachi, but I don't got a death wish about it.
Guys, what's wrong with us? It's Saturday morning, and we're drinking in a bar.
We should be drinking at the Goodwill donation dumpster.
Why come? 'Cause right now's when all the yard sales end.
We can get first pick of the abandoned leftovers.
That's a stupid idea.
There's not gonna be anything good in that dumpster.
PETER: What if I told you everything I'm wearing right now I found in that dumpster? Is that a bachelorette sash? Scott said I could do hand stuff this weekend, but that's it.
I told you this is stupid.
There's nothing good in here.
Hey, look a pair of working legs.
Dibs on these.
Wha? Aw, come on, Quagmire! Joe, I said dibs.
No, no, you're right.
You said dibs.
Whoa.
Check it out.
A Sorry! board game.
Let me see it.
(SOFT RATTLING) - Three pieces missing.
- How'd you do that? I can shake anything and figure out what all's in there.
You got 11 periods left.
Cool.
VHS of Eraserhead.
This'll be good for when I never want to sleep again.
Holy crap.
Wha-What? What is it? A Magic 8 Ball! This thing can tell the future.
No, it can't, Peter.
It's just a stupid toy.
I don't know.
Let's test it.
Will there be snow this Christmas? (GASPS) Oh, my God, the ball is right.
I should ask again later.
How did it know that? Guys, from now on, I am living my life according to the Magic 8 Ball.
It will lead me like the shorebird that led the first Pilgrims to Boston.
Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city where sports fans can be notoriously racist? Yeah, and can we also ruin "Sweet Caroline" - for everyone else? - Absolutely.
Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11? And can our own 9/11 be, like, one one-thousandth as bad, but we'll still make a fricking movie about it? I think I know just the place.
Okay, I don't know if this is gonna be a problem, but we forgot to bring the letter "R.
" No problem at all.
Right this way, large-faced whites! ALL (CHANTING): Let's go, Red Sox! (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) Let's go, Red Sox! What is that? It's my Magic 8 Ball.
This is the first black ball that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with.
Why is it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials? That's a very gross question, Meg.
You may take your breakfast in the attic.
That question aside, I'm having a blast with my new 8 Ball.
It knows everything.
Watch.
Magic 8 Ball, will my middle-of-the-highway puppet show be a success? Well, I'll show this thing.
(TRUCK HORN BLARING) -(TIRES SCREECHING) -(THUD) How'd it go, Dad? I don't know, Sparky.
What did you think? The performance was a little flat.
(INSTRUMENTAL FAMILY GUY THEME PLAYS) Magic 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored.
Should I sniff my coworker's hair? He told me to do it! Mr.
Griffin, if a Magic 8 Ball asked you to jump off a building, would you do that, too? Did it? No, I'm just using that as an example of I listened to the toy! Magic 8 Ball, what's the best email provider? "Outlook good.
" Interesting.
He's not raving about it, but it's a solid choice.
Let's go, Peter.
Time for church.
Mom said they're gonna serve Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour.
Lois church? Who am I supposed to worship, Jesus? This is my god now.
Watch your mouth, Peter.
Sorry, Lois, but my religion is now the 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball, is the Fox network sustainable in this new streaming world? No.
No! (GASPS) Kim, what's wrong? A black ball went to waste.
Are you streaming Mindhunter in church? I'm trying to stream Mindhunter in church.
Freaking guest Wi-Fi.
You know the priest gets the good Wi-Fi.
And yea, the Lord said Whoa, whoa.
Mindhunter's going in.
I mean (CLEARS THROAT) Thou art the children of Abraham, and thou shalt He's playing you! You think you're playing him? He's playing you.
I hate this.
When do I get my cookie? I just want my cookie so I can go home.
Now please join me in silent prayer.
And as we settle into the silence, I remind you that in honor of Lent today's coffee service will not include Chewy Chips Ahoy.
- (BLEEP) - (ALL GASPING) - (LOIS GASPS) - (CONGREGATION MURMURS) Hey, Stewie said his first word.
And it was a swear.
Well, this is unacceptable.
We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast.
Unbelievable.
(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (ENGINE STARTS) Let's go! I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word and it ends up being that.
Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me.
I may have to start drinking wine at home alone.
- Start? - Not the day for it, Chris! Not the day! I don't get it, Stewie.
You've been talking forever.
Why did everyone suddenly understand you now? I don't know.
I was feeling so much intense emotion in the moment, and that one word somehow just burst through.
Yeah, but now what? Everyone can understand you? I don't think so.
Not unless I'm yelling something I feel strongly about.
Greta Gerwig is a national treasure! See? Nothing.
I guess I'm not feeling it.
I don't know.
What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express? Anger.
What kind of a person would I be then? Larry David, Lewis Black, a Trump voter, everyone on Twitter.
But I don't want to be any of those things.
They've got to hear me.
Ice cream! Lollipop! Bubbles! Kitty cat! (CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM THEME PLAYS) Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool! Fire truck! Goldfish! Finger paint! (SOFT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) Lois, what are you doing here? What do you mean? You invited us.
Sorry, but we can't have Stewie here.
I brought my own veggie burgers, but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it.
What with his profanity and all, I don't think Stewie would be a good influence on the other children.
Is there a designated spot on the grill for the veggie burgers? And again, not a big deal.
You're saying that because of a swear word, my son isn't good enough for your pool party? It's a little bit about him swearing, but mostly about you as a parent.
Kevin, I said, no arrows! KEVIN: Crossbows don't shoot arrows.
They shoot bolts, dumb-ass! (CHUCKLES) Okay, sweetie.
KEVIN: Hey, Dad, did you hear what Einstein called bolts? JOE: I heard it.
Brian, shut off the television.
It's ruined my baby! What are you talking about? Stewie obviously learned to swear from some TV show.
No, he didn't.
The only show he watches is Caillou.
Well, then that little French-Canadian weirdo is the potty mouth, I'm sure of it.
And I'm willing to watch every single episode just to prove it.
NARRATOR: Caillou was upset.
Why am I bald? I'm not a baby.
I'm four.
Are kids just bald in Canada? NARRATOR: So Caillou decided to look himself up on Wikipedia.
God, this is dull.
CAILLOU: Maybe I'm supposed to be a cancer survivor, and this show is very inspiring.
NARRATOR: But Caillou wasn't a cancer survivor.
The show's creators just made a weird choice.
Caillou's low-testosterone father again indulged Caillou's tantrum, clearly trying to raise a sociopath.
CAILLOU'S FATHER: It's okay, Caillou.
I'll bake you a pie.
NARRATOR: He said, his body flooding with estrogen.
Lois? Are you dead? (SNIFFING) Can I eat you? - Huh? What? - Ah, another time.
Oh.
I-I, um I watched that Caillou, and you're right.
Stewie didn't learn that word from Caillou.
That means he learned it from someone in this house.
- Okay.
- And I will find out who.
I'm gonna set a trap and lure the swearer into revealing himself.
That sounds hard.
Oh, I will find the swearer.
CAILLOU: Dad, why are we sitting on the washing machine? CAILLOU'S FATHER: Because in Canada, men have vaginas.
Hey, what's with the stairs? Why do they look different? Oh, I'm trying to prove that Peter's the one cussing in the house, so I waxed the staircase for him to fall down.
PETER: Hey, Lois, have you seen my Spider-Man socks? - I can't seem to - (THUDDING) Ouch.
Oh, heavens.
Oh, goodness gracious.
That's smarts.
Oh, my.
Egad.
Well, I'll be.
Yikes.
Peter, when did you become so polite? Oh, I've been hanging out with Caillou's beta dad.
In fact, I'm meeting him at the park to eat unsalted saltines on the swings.
I feel like you're wearing what Rachel Maddow would wear to a pumpkin patch.
NARRATOR: Lois couldn't find the swearer, nor could she remove the voice of the grating Caillou narrator from her head.
Make it stop! Not until you kill them all, Lois.
Oh, crap.
It's the lady with the baby who cussed.
- (LOCK CLICKS) - MAN: Turn out the lights.
Shh.
Quiet, quiet.
H-Hello? Hello! I know you're in there! MAN 2: We're closed! I know you're not closed.
I see the Instacart people in there emotionlessly filling up their baskets.
MAN: We're a family establishment, so take your foul-mouthed baby and go away! Please, let me in! I can only poop behind a punch-code door! There's something about the beeps.
It gets things moving! It's very secure! MAN 2: Go away! You can't do this! When a mom is shunned by groceries, she has nothing! (CRYING) Please! Aah! It's those antibacterial wipes for the shopping carts! It's burning my eyes! (BLEEP)! Oh, my God.
I-It's me.
I'm the swearer.
(SOBBING): Oh, God.
I'm ruining my child! NARRATOR: Lois was sad, but not as sad as she was going to be when she realizes she has to use those ouchie wipes to make a potty next to the store dumpster.
I feel so awful.
I've corrupted my baby with my foul language and my terrible anger.
I'm so sorry that happened, Lois.
And Lofthouse cookies weren't available at any other grocery store? Don't worry, Dad.
I Instacarted some.
(KNOCKING) Here's your stuff.
Thank you.
Have a good night.
No.
Anyway, the point is I have to deal with my anger and fix myself.
So I've decided to attend this relaxation retreat at Vista del Vista Resort.
Uh, gosh, I don't know about that, Lois.
It sounds really expensive.
(SIGHS) No, I guess you're right.
There's no way we can afford it.
Plus, if I go, that means I won't be here to help out around the house or feed you guys or monitor your Internet usage every day - You should go.
- Yeah, Mom, you should go, for sure.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Because they want to masturbate, you see.
Okay.
Uh, I don't know what that was, but, Lois, you should go to that resort.
Go relax and fix yourself.
(GASPS) Really? You guys'll be okay while I'm gone? Sure.
We'll have fun! Just like that time me and Chris went Jet Ski'ing.
Yeah! This is awesome! I know, right? (DOLPHIN SQUEAKS) Oh, my God! It's okay, Chris.
I'm sure that was the only one.
Dolphins swim alone.
(SQUEAKING) Okay, maybe we should turn back.
No.
Kill every last one of them.
PETER: Chris and I never spoke of that day.
But whenever somebody talks about how smart dolphins are, Chris and I look at each other like, "No.
" ("AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE" PLAYING) You got to ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive E-lim-I-nate the negative And latch on To the affirmative.
Lois Griffin? My name is Roger, and I'll be guiding this relaxation adventure for you and the other white women, plus an Asian woman who has a white husband back home.
I feel more relaxed already.
Now sit down and enjoy some spa music that's mostly rain.
Hey, guys, can we take it from the rain again? (RAINFALL SOUNDS) Well, Chris and Meg are off to school.
Guess it's just you and me now.
You want a Popsicle? Huh? Breakfast Popsicle? Whoa, there's vodka in here.
(GULPING) (BOTTLE CLINKS) Now, what Uh, now, what is Now, what (STAMMERS) what did you want? What (STAMMERS) Let's go play in the hot yard.
I'm two and a half hours late for preschool.
Your dad What Who wants milk? L-Let me quick just check in the freezer.
(GULPING) You-you burger.
Here-Here's your veggie burger.
(STAMMERS) It'll thaw out.
It You s-suck on it.
It'll thaw out nice.
All right, I'm out of here.
Ah, this is the perfect amount of drunk for a Filet-O-Fish.
TREY: Hey.
I'm, um, Trey Headband, and I'm your dumb yoga instructor? Yoga is, um, good? And from, um, like, China? Ready? Go.
Go what? What? Y-You didn't tell us what to do.
Awesome.
You guys did great.
Let's take a break.
Who's got yoga questions? Oh, I have a question.
What does "namaste" mean? I don't know.
I've never heard of that.
But do you guys remember OP shorts? - What does that have to do with yoga? - I don't know.
I'm just saying, those were pretty rad.
You guys are doing really good.
Keep going.
I'm gonna go to that bathroom right there and do explosive diarrhea.
(MUFFLED): Just be quiet and meditate now.
Right on? (SPUTTERING FLATULENCE) Just, like, be one with the silence.
(FLATULENCE CONTINUES) If you hear a sound, just, um, rec-knowledge it and then, like, let it go? (FLATULENCE CONTINUES) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Meditation doesn't have diarrhea sounds.
(CHUCKLES) All right, let's check in on Peter and the baby.
Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy to mow this very rocky backyard.
So I'll just put you in this baby seat you've grown out of, right where the rocks are gonna fly.
Wait, what? (GRUNTING) Hang on! Stop! - Aah! - Uhp, there we go.
- (STEWIE SCREAMING) - Wow, that's a lot of rocks.
STEWIE: Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off! - Uhp, the voles are back.
- (SCREAMING) You can tell from all the very many rocks.
Look at 'em fly! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) Still think moving was such a bad idea? I don't know.
Do we still live with your mother? (INSTRUMENTAL FAMILY GUY THEME PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Good morning, everyone.
Let me start with another friendly reminder to please not flush your feminine products.
The yard over the septic tank out back looks like a Braveheart battlefield.
Okay.
Now it's time for everyone to choose a mantra.
What's that? It's like a word you say that brings you peace.
A special word.
A word of release and catharsis.
You mean like (BLEEP)? (GASPING) Now, now, Lois, let's keep things acceptable.
I mean, I'm just saying I already have a word that does all those things when I say it.
- And that word is - (STAMMERS) Yes, we heard the word! Lois, please No, no, maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm a good person.
I love my children.
I like my husband.
And there are worse things than occasionally using a swear word.
I'm out of here.
Guys, I'm worried about the baby.
He's hardly touched any of his birdseed.
Are you sure we're shaking him enough? I'm home! - (EXCITED CHATTER) - Yeah! I missed you guys so much.
I'm so sorry I had that little meltdown.
But, more than that, I'm sorry I left you guys on your own.
This is where I want to be.
Is that okay with you guys? Of course, Lois.
Everyone's glad you're home, except for mean older brother Buzz, who never says anything nice.
Uh-oh.
Here he is now.
Hey, Lois.
Pretty cool you're back.
Aw, I guess he's not such a bad guy after all.
Also, America should only accept white immigrants.
Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy.
Well, I am so happy to be home.
But there's one little guy I missed most of all.
Where's my baby? Stewie, I-it's me.
I'm home.
Mommy! - (GASPING) - Wow.
It's Stewie's second word! Oh, my God! (CHUCKLES) His second word was me! "Mommy.
" Oh, I love you, Stewie! Ooh, ooh.
Say that again for Instagram.
Well, well, I guess he doesn't feel like it anymore.
- Mommy! - Ah! Say it again! Say "Mommy" again for Instagram.
(SIGHS): All right.
- I tried.
- Mommy! (BLEEP)! Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal that your second word was "Mommy.
" Makes me think you don't want to kill her and maybe you love her.
(CHUCKLES): No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, that's what I wanted you to think.
- What are you talking about? - Yeah.
I scammed you, man.
Took you for a ride, Jack.
You thought you were a big wheel till you found out squares don't roll, man.
Dig this, hep cat.
The Stew-man spun you round like a Bill Evans 45.
Wait, what's happening? I'll tell you what's happening, Brian.
The whole family's becoming Jack Kerouac's insufferable friends.
No one wants us at their apartment party, ya dig? Get hip to that, daddy, or skit-scat out of the house.
(PLAYING JAZZ) We don't know how to end these shows anymore, so we just do nonsense.