Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e02 Episode Script

OK, we've come all this way.
Now what do we do? We are going to do what I came back to my birthplace to do.
I admit you're not dressed like a tourist, but look at the view! Start without me.
Soon as I get my breath back and my eyeballs stop wobbling, I'll catch up.
Looking at views is for old men - next door to being unconscious! Better than being next door to that explosive device known by its chemical formula as Nora Batty.
At least she's exciting.
Yes, like a heart attack! Am I a funny colour? Not compared with HIM.
Nora Batty is the kind of view I like! Back or front! What a mercy he doesn't wear glasses.
I FEEL a funny colour and it's one I don't like.
Looking at views - that's no good if tha wants to keep young at heart.
We should do what we used to do.
You have the right to remain silent.
But I suspect you're about to tell us what we used to do.
We used to roll down the slope.
Not only small, but extremely deranged.
You'd go so far as "extremely"? For HIM, it's a short step.
We'd always roll down, NEVER walk.
We were about nine! So? Enjoyed it, didn't we? What makes you think we'd enjoy it NOW? Why don't we find out? I suppose it's the shortest way.
And I think I'm dying anyway.
It'll be great! ME, who used to strike fear into the underworld.
ALL: Geronimo! GROANS OF PAIN Be careful, Barry.
I'm only going to work.
I don't know what I'd do if anything happened.
I work in an office, I'm not a steeplejack.
Glenda! We have a good marriage.
I'm so proud of our marriage.
I'll have to go.
Oh, not before you kiss me goodbye.
I'll be home lunchtime.
Kiss me, Barry.
Supposing somebody's watching? What do WE care? We're young and hot-blooded, aren't we? Wellfairly hot.
She's just a friend.
Why can't a person invite a friend to go for a nature walk? Am I supposed to be indifferent to the environment? No harm in studying the environment while you're with a friend.
CAR HORN Barry! Just the chap! You want me to deliver a message to Marina? There's nobody I'd rather trust - what with you working for the building society.
I ought to get to work.
As soon as you've delivered the message.
Don't let me down, Barry.
You'll be doing it for the environment.
He's getting up earlier.
Never?! Twice last week he washed CERTAIN undergarments.
The grey ones? That's the only kind he's got! What colour are they now? Still grey, but you have to applaud the effort.
What does it all mean? I don't know, but I can hear noises from his bedroom.
Oh, you poor love! I should complain to the council.
Oh, no! Exercise noises! I think he's keeping fit.
Good grief, it's frightening! I shouldn't be too worried.
HE'S never going to make Mr Universe! Oh, I can see what you mean.
He HAS been keeping fit(!) What HAVE you been doing?! Just enjoying ourselves.
Like we used to.
When we were nine.
Doing what? Rolling down steep slopes.
They did it on purpose.
I think I must've tripped.
Of course he could be lying.
He is.
You all want locking up! It's better than just looking at the view! You call THIS better? In the course of my investigations while rolling down the slope, I ascertained how hard the ground had become since we were nine.
Hello, Eli.
Hello, Nora.
Over here, Eli.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's YOU, is it? Yeah.
Are you going to the supermarket? The supermarket's over there.
No! It's here! We're in the entrance.
Could you take this message to Marina? No problem at all.
You know what you lot need, don't you? Brains! That's asking too much! I was thinking of a uniformed attendant.
We'll be all right in a minute.
Speak for yourself.
It's gonna take me days! I think I dislocated a pullover.
Was it a suicide pact or just a flash of male stupidity? Of which there seems to be a lot about.
Good question.
Ask the senior idiot.
What it was for was to show that we could still do i-i-i-i-it! Satisfied? No! Once I get my back straight, we'll be off again! "Dear Sugar Lips, "I'll be waiting outside in your morning break.
"Come and make my day.
" Signed "an admirer".
Would that be you? - Well, yes, but - I WAS hoping for something taller.
Your instinct's absolutely right.
You deserve something taller.
On the other hand while you're waiting! How did you know I was lonely and available? Just lucky, I guess.
Do you know the quickest way to fix backs? You want to lie down and let somebody walk on your spine.
Is it any good? The Chinese do it all the time.
Ah, yes, but they're overcrowded.
They have to walk on one another.
No wonder they like small feet.
Where did you learn about walking on people's spines? It was in this book from the library.
It's a very ancient practice.
Nora, we've been neighbours a long time.
I know! Despite writing to the council.
Do it for me, Nora! Tread on my spine! But you WILL take your shoes off, won't you? Are you sure it's a recommended medical practice? He's not luring me into anything I shouldn't be doing? I don't mind treading on him, but not if it commits me to extended aftercare.
It's a well-known form of treatment.
You don't have to be engaged! You have to wonder if everything will stand the strain.
Strain? I could tell you about strain! The evil cunning of the criminal mind! And that was just the former Mrs Truelove.
It was his trousers I was thinking about.
Her mother came on the honeymoon.
I had the room next door! I paid for that woman to go to the theatre.
She took Mabel.
I've got to give it a whirl, Norm.
Can you whistle if anything cracks? I don't want to hear it.
I must admit, there have been times when I've felt like treading on him.
And me.
You'll be doing it for both of us.
Just remember, lass, I'm putty in your feet! Not on your back! Your spine's not up your front! Not yet! We'll be able to pat you on the back without reaching all the way round! If this works, I'll be known as somebody with healing feet.
Well if you're sure it's for medicinal purposes.
I daren't look! You're right.
She has terrible feet! I was thinking of the pain.
In the Force, you learn to be calm about pain.
Unless it's YOURS, of course.
Ahhhhhhhh! See how calm I am.
That's training for you.
Fancy a cup of tea? Aye, might as well.
Hang on, I've heard about this place.
They say she's a bit fierce.
Who? The woman that runs it.
She can be rough with customers.
We're only going in for a cuppa.
How rough can she be? Ahhh! They weren't kidding.
She IS fierce! She has! She's got healing feet! Wrinkled, but healing feet.
I feel great! Sit down.
You're spoiling the view.
What a great day! How often does a bloke get trod on by Nora Batty? Her husband used to look as though he was being trodden on regularly.
I woke up this morning and thought, "Just another day.
" You didn't sound as if you were enjoying it at the time.
I've poked things up people's noses and they didn't make that much fuss.
I weren't shouting in pain.
I think it were excitement.
Wasn't it a bit like being run over by a small lorry? They're on to something, them Chinese.
It were great! Not for us.
We could scarcely stand the tension.
Tha were worried about me? Oh, isn't that nice! Not YOU.
It was your trousers we were terrified for.
Supposing she'd fallen through one of those gaps? There'd have been a shortage of volunteers to dig her out of there! Ahoy, there! Do he actually say, "Ahoy, there"? Course, he could've been lying.
I bet he was a pirate.
They used to say "Ahoy, there".
I thought it was "Shiver my timbers".
Sorry.
He could do with HIS timbers shivered! It was more peaceful in the old days.
They used to tow the barges with horses.
Aye, I remember.
And sometimes they'd let you ride the horse.
Ah, that's when you first started wearing out those trousers, is it? Barry! I'd love to stop and talk, but I only get an hour for lunch.
Who did you give the message to? Well, i-it was for Marina.
I know who it was for, but it didn't get to Marina.
It got to some lady wrestler! Ever been grabbed by a lady wrestler? Can't say I have.
No, I would've remembered.
Who did you give the message to?! Eli was going into the supermarket so I thought I'd let him take it.
You gave it to Eli?! He was going inside.
Ye gods! No wonder there was a mix-up.
I'm lucky I didn't finish up being grabbed by the provision manager! I've never liked beards.
Barry For our second honeymoon, the former Mrs Truelove went to Venice.
Just the former Mrs Truelove? And her mother.
They brought me back a picture of a gondola.
Oh, well, they didn't forget you.
I never looked at it that way.
Maybe you should have.
Course, they could've been lying.
How far are we planning to go? I suppose that depends on our horse.
Hey up, I'm getting naffed off with this.
But it was YOU who said, "Didn't it used to be peaceful in the old days when boats were towed along.
" You're doing splendidly.
We were just saying.
Course, we could be lying.
It's all right for thee! Mebbe we should get him a nosebag.
I heard that! HE MOUTHS SILENTLY SLAPPING SOUND Ahem.
Oh, Barry! Can you spare a moment? The direct approach.
How very forward! Not that I disapprove.
I think it shows a manly, forthright personality.
Why beat about the bush? Is there somewhere more private that we could go? Not in here, love.
This is a supermarket.
This is about as private as it gets.
However, if you should happen to be waiting outside at around 4.
30 No! I have a message for you.
From Howard.
From Howard? You DO realise, of course, that I hardly know the gentleman.
He suggested I buy something to make it look less suspicious.
He's good at not being suspicious.
You feel such a fool going out with an empty trolley.
You've summed up my love life! What do you recommend that's a bargain? I don't want to pay excessively.
Remember, we're not out for speed.
Just nice and easy.
A lazy afternoon on the river.
Lazy for thee! I'M doing all the work! And doing it splendidly.
You don't want to back out now.
I might WANT to back out now.
I've seldom seen anyone so gifted at playing the part of a horse.
Go at it with some energy, man.
Remember Lord Nelson - never once fell off his bike! In the supermarket? My Barry? Your Barry.
Sorry I'm late.
Why are you late? I had an errand to run.
Ask him where he's been! Where have you been, Barry? Just to the supermarket.
I knew he wouldn't lie to me.
Oh, Barry! I told you it'd be perfectly innocent, Mother.
What did he go for that was so urgent? (Ask him what he bought.
) What did you buy, Barry? Erit was a bargain.
Why didn't you ask ME to fetch it? I do all the shopping.
Spur of the moment, sudden impulse.
I find that very unlikely for the representative of a building society.
Show us what you bought, Barry, that couldn't wait, that you were in such a hurry for.
What is it? It's an adaptor for blowing up bicycle tyres with a car pump.
You don't have a bicycle.
Why did you buy an adaptor for blowing up bicycle tyres with a car pump? .
.
It was reduced.
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY This time you've got plenty of slack in the rope.
Not to mention the head! I've a feeling he's right.
Pay no attention to critics.
On my signal, proceed normally before you feel the weight of the boat.
First I'm a horse, now I'm a horse on a bike! Just don't be a racehorse.
We're not water-skiing.
I want a nice gentle drifting.
He knows what to do.
This is not just a horse, this is a well-trained horse! Just get in the boat and let's get on with it! Tha's all gob and no notion! No wonder the former Mrs Truelove went walkies! Are we ready? "We," he says! WE?! I've only just bought it.
Can you give it a good checking over? Aye, I suppose I could give it a good checking over.
It's like talking to an echo.
I understand fiddling with things mechanical is your idea of fun, but, in this instance, I'll waive my fee and not charge you for it.
What if she needs new parts? Don't start with that attitude.
Think positive! You want it checked thoroughly? I want it in first-class, safe condition.
That's very commendable.
Some people might cut corners on safety, but not me.
You can spread that word amongst all your mechanical friends.
I like to be known as a by-word for reliability.
Is THAT perfect or is that perfect? It's a bit sissy - a three-wheeler.
Not if you growl while peddling it.
And not with your kind of hand signals.
Good day.
I am making enquiries about this machine.
Is it for hire? It is.
Effective immediately? Immediately.
What about the overhaul? You've just checked it.
I saw you looking it over personally.
But she needs What we ALL need - peace and quiet.
Less of the bustle of modern life.
When did he first show signs of going astray? He's never shown any signs of going astray! Are you sure? Or do you just not know what to look for? I bet that's it! She doesn't know what to look for.
I've never had to look for signs.
I trust my Barry.
ALL: Ohhhhh! What do you look for? Have you seen him looking dreamily into space? He doesn't do that.
He works for a building society.
Has he started being pleasant? My Barry's always pleasant.
See how tricky they are? What's wrong with being pleasant? It's not natural, love.
A certain level of hostility is a sound basis for a marriage.
Nothing excessive.
No, nothing excessive.
After a while, you get a feeling for the right balance.
A man should regard his wife as he would a nice animal.
Something he'd like to stroke, but watch your fingers! True.
They should never enter a room without wondering if you'll bite.
It's that little nervous uncertainty that keeps them in good condition.
But what about love? Ooh, she's very young! I keep telling her.
We've all been through it.
I got through it by buying a budgie.
If you transfer your affections to something convenient, you'll get no end of pleasure.
I still miss my little Bluey.
I'm talking about love between two people.
Well, you shouldn't! You weren't brought up to talk about THAT! Drink you coffee.
Oooh, Mother! Oooh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Oh, Trudy! Hey, what are you doing with this woman?! "What's he doing with this woman"? What's he doing with YOU?! I can explain! I think you'd better! We've only been together two minutes! What does she mean, "together"?! Stop it, now! I hate it when women are fighting over me.
Credit where it's due, he's got a nice peddling action.
Wellie power! He's very experienced.
I prefer him from this angle.
From the back, he could pass as respectable.
It's the front that's the dead giveaway.
I have trouble with fronts.
People's expressions are much more welcoming from behind.
Some of the finest police strangleholds have been applied from behind.
That's it.
I can't pedal under there.
It's simple, man.
Leave the bike, go up to the bridge, pull us through, then come back for the bike.
There, you see, brilliant! I notice who's doing all the work! I told you, brilliant! Bye! See you next week.
He's with me! BOTH: He's with me! I'm with HER! You'll have to pull harder! Get a good speed up so we go all the way through the bridge.
Ahoy, there! Bog off! I think his timbers are shivering!