Family Guy s19e03 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a fam ily guy! I won a chain saw.
What? What are you talking about? Some lady up the block is giving away all of her husband's stuff 'cause he shot himself - in the face.
- Oh, my god! I've seen that lady.
He did the right thing.
That's also how we got this couch.
Basically everything in this house is Christmas suicide furniture.
Donna, they had a bullhorn.
I don't know why, but they had a bullhorn.
DONNA: Cleveland, it's time for lunch.
What do I want? Sammich! When do I want it? Now! I ain't eatin' no lipton soup.
So, kids, Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing.
It's called a podcast.
I guess it's like a-a radio show on your phone.
Have you heard of these? Podcasts.
Yeah, Mom, we know what podcasts are.
Huh.
(CHUCKLES) I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms.
I'll have to let Bonnie know.
(DIALING) (BEEP) BONNIE: Wow, really? Mom, Stewie needs his sausage cut and his butter spread.
Here, let me get that for you, buddy.
(BUZZING) (SCREAMS) There you go.
Eat up, little guy.
Damn it, Peter.
You ruined Stewie's chair.
(PAGER VIBRATES) And Bonnie wants to know what all the noise is.
- Amazing.
- Ooh.
- Wow, it's Willem Dafoe! - That's right.
Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face than most people have in their entire body, he's perfect for carving, 'cause the angles are so sharp.
It's beautiful, Peter.
Yeah, I just love William Dafoe.
It's not "William," it's "Willem.
" Yeah, that's what I said.
"William.
" He was in Spider-Man with Kristin Dunst.
- Kirsten Dunst.
- Right.
Kirsten Dunce.
- It's not "Dunce," it's "Dunst.
" - Yeah, Kristin Dunce.
In the movie, she dated William Dafoe's son.
Spell it, Joe! Spell what you are saying right now.
Well, I'll give it a shot.
K-Y-R-H Look, there's a reason I became a cop and not a spellman.
- A what? - A spellman.
- "Spellman" is not a thing, Joe! - Sure it is.
Fireman, longshoreman, spellman.
Stop me when I'm wrong.
- He's getting too many right.
- Now I'm starting to think there is such a thing as a spellman.
PETER: Hey, guys.
Check it out.
- It's groot.
- Oh, yeah.
- From that Marble movie.
- (SIGHS) What are you doing?! - Turn that chain saw off! - Not a chance, Lois.
You know how hard it was to get that thing started? It was even worse than trying to cover anything with saran wrap.
(CRINKLING) (GROANS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS): Oh.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) Perfect.
Can't wait to throw that out in two weeks.
(CHAIN SAW BUZZING) Peter! What's going on out here?! Oh, hey, Lois.
I'm just hollowing out this tree for the Keebler elves to live in.
- Awesome! - I know, right? Gonna get us a lifetime supply of fresh-baked-but-still-stale supermarket cookies.
All right, time for a little elfin magic.
Ow! Oh! My arm! Oh, son of a bitch! (WOOD CRACKLING) - Oh, my god! - Mom, look.
(CHITTERING) Aw.
Poor thing must've been living in the tree.
(CHITTERING) - And its foot seems hurt.
- It's even worse than that.
It looks like the tree landed on its parents and killed them.
Nobody touch the smooshed squirrel bodies! Ooh, I got to get my camera.
That girl is one giant red flag.
Stewie, this squirrel needs help.
I wonder if M-maybe I could take care of it.
I don't know if you should do it on your own.
- Could be a lot of work.
- (CHITTERING) Would Would you do it with me? Well, I-I don't think it (CHITTERING) You know what? I think that's a marvelous idea, Chris.
I daresay we would make outstanding parents - to this squirrel.
- Hey there, Griffin boys.
I saw this tree go down.
Any loot in it? Elven treasures? Uh, no.
Hey, donna, the tree's just regular.
DONNA: Go to work, Cleveland! Well, somebody's getting big and strong.
Did you hear that one vet technician say our little squirrel here was in the 70th percentile for height and weight? No.
Which vet tech said that? The one with the neck tattoo.
- Which one with the neck tattoo? - The one we saw smoking in the parking lot when we were leaving.
Again, you're gonna have to be more specific.
The one wearing pajama bottoms as pants.
- Sorry, I don't - The girl one! Oh, yeah, with the half-shaved head.
She was nice.
Well, I'll bet this cutie is hungry.
Wh-what are you doing? Don't film me.
Film the baby.
But you're both so cute.
This role, it-it suits you.
It's like you've been waiting your whole life to be this person.
Shush, you're going to make me cry.
- (HIGH-PITCHED FART) - Aw! He made a little toot.
That was me.
It was one of my cross-legged ones.
I should probably stop recording.
Well, if it's your elbow that's bothering you, we should start by checking your reflexes.
- (SHOUTS) - (SCREAMS) - Okay, they seem all right.
- Oh, that's good.
But you got to help me.
My arm really hurts.
It all started after I got a chain saw.
Hmm, is that right? Well, it sounds to me like you may have chain saw elbow.
- "Chain saw elbow"? - Yes, it's all explained in this video.
Hi, I'm Tommy Lee Jones.
Congratulations on suffering from the coolest arm ailment there is: Chain saw elbow.
As a celebrity dick, it's always been my passion to own a ranch in a low-tax state that I list as my primary residence.
And when I'm not pouting at awards shows, I'm out in the field cutting firewood - for a staged Instagram post.
- (CAMERA CLICKS) Sometimes I overdo it, end up with chain saw elbow.
Now here's fellow ranch owner Dennis Quaid to discuss the dangers of tractor ass.
So, you have tractor ass.
Okay, so how much synthetic opioid do you need? I'm trying to prescribe enough to earn a fanny pack.
A-aren't there any other options? Well, there's a trucker hat, but those look stupid on me.
You know, sometimes joint pain is connected to back issues.
Have you ever had a chiropractic adjustment? - What's that? - It's a procedure where a guy who couldn't get into medical school - tries to rip your head off.
- Does it work? If you believe it works.
It's kind of like the polar express.
- Let's do it! - Okay, I'll give it a shot.
But this type of thing is usually done in strip malls next to a little caesars.
- (GRUNTING) - (BONES CRACKLING) (GASPS) Holy crap! What happened? Well, I think we simply found your true height.
Before years of poor posture and wear and tear - crushed your spirit and your spine.
- Wow.
Mr.
Griffin, let's discuss risk factors.
Do you lead a lifestyle that's sedentary? Pet sedentary? I'm saying you need to strengthen your core and exercise regularly.
- Is that the hat? - Stupid, right? I know the holidays are still months away, but I was just so excited to take our family Christmas card photo.
(CHUCKLES): Are you kidding? I love it.
You know what, Chris? I feel like I'm ready to start trying To find another squirrel.
What? Nothing.
I just I just hit the lottery when I met you.
Here's your photo.
It's the only one where the squirrel wasn't trying to bite your hand.
- (CHUCKLES): Ooh! - Oh, I love it! - How much do we owe you? - It's fine.
Just keep it.
Sears just closed forever.
Whoa! Peter, what happened? Did you tease that witch again? No, I got a back adjustment.
Turns out I've been this tall all along.
- You don't say.
- Well, that's amazing.
Why are you still wearing the same pants? I don't know.
I only get pants at Christmas, so I'll get pants at Christmas.
- So, how is it being that tall? - It's okay, I guess.
Although I've noticed I'm a lot more clumsy in the bedroom.
(BED CREAKING) (LAMP SHATTERS) PETER: I'm so sorry.
You two keep going.
I'm gonna clean this up.
(CHITTERING) Stewie! Stewie, come quick! (GASPS) its first steps? We've got to film this! I know, I know! (CHITTERING) Look at that! Oh, I'm going to cry! I've never felt this proud.
That's going on Instagram right now.
Totally! But we should pair it with a song about steps or walking.
Oh, my god, yes.
"Walking on Sunshine.
" Oh, that would sell it.
Sell what? That we're totally cliché? - How about "Step by Step"? - New Kids on the Block? No.
The Eddie Rabbitt version.
And have people think we're 100? Let's do "Walking in Memphis.
" I will concede that's a good song, but we don't live in Memphis, so I find it confusing.
What about "Walk Like an Egyptian"? Well, we don't live in Egypt either.
Ah.
Hoisted on my own petard.
"Nobody Walks in L.
A.
" Again, we do not live in L.
A.
Ooh, let's do "I Love L.
A.
"! Do you know what? This is going to surprise you, Chris, but I agree with you.
Let's use "I Love L.
A.
" I love L.
A.
- (LAUGHS) It's perfect! - We love it! Yes, this will really tell people that - (GROWLING, SQUEAKING) - I love L.
A.
We love it! I love L.
A.
Thank you all for coming today.
It means a lot to Stewie and me that you would be here.
I got this, Chris.
Everyone, after the service, you are all invited to a small reception to honor our beloved squirrel.
Nothing fancy.
Just acorns and puddle water.
It'll take place either on top of the fence or along a power line.
But, first, please join me in a frozen-in-place moment of silence, followed by a manic scattering in all directions.
(LIVELY CHATTER) All right, the Quahog Fair.
Hey, Peter, would you get off your phone? Sorry, young girls keep killing each other 'cause they think I'm the Slender Man now.
- (FESTIVE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) - Are-are you Are you telling them to kill each other? It's just a goof.
You sure you're not too tall for this? Nah, it's gonna be great.
- Yay! - (THUMP) - MAN: Ow! Who kicked me?! - Sorry! - What the hell?! - PETER: My bad.
- Ow! Who's doing that? - It's that jerk up there! (CACKLING) (GASPS) It's Slender Man! Kill yourselves! - Peter! - Come on.
It's just a goof.
Don't you dare touch its bedroom! The squirrel is gone, Stewie, and there's nothing we can do to change that.
Yes, thanks to you.
If it weren't for you, our sweet baby would still be alive.
- Me? - That's right.
If you hadn't kept the squirrel up so late, none of this would have happened.
That squirrel should have been in bed, Chris.
It was 7:45! What? I'm not the one who just had to post the video to Instagram that very second.
You couldn't even enjoy the moment for one damn minute before desperately groveling for online approval from aunts you never talk to and past coworkers you don't even like! Is that so? Well, if you had a newer phone, it wouldn't have taken so long to upload the video.
Well, excuse me for not having a fancier phone.
I'm only a paperboy! Oh, I'm well aware that you're only a paperboy.
(GRUNTING, CHEWING) Ah, perfect.
I see you're using again.
Oh, I wonder why.
And don't think I didn't smell the Charleston Chew on your breath at the service.
Maybe if you'd been a little sharper on the evening in question, we wouldn't be in this I had four skittles that night! That's not zero! You knew there was a dog in the house.
He's practically your best friend! Or maybe even more than that.
You shut your damn mouth! Oh, this is awful.
Why does death seem so much easier in the Rocky movies? Goodbye, mick.
(WHEELS SQUEAKING) Oh, wai you're just gonna put him in a drawer? - What are you, like, filing him? - Yes, for tax reasons.
Jews don't die.
They just slowly depreciate and then are eventually written off.
What's the matter, Peter? I'm just sick of being tall.
I had a hard enough time getting everything in the toilet before.
I want my old body back.
Well, there is a way.
What is it? Lock the front door.
(LOCK CLICKS) Peter, if you really want to get shorter, - I can berate you.
- What? The female power to belittle is such that the recipient can physically shrink in stature.
That's why husbands and wives are the same height in old age.
Lois, berate me.
Okay, Peter, but if I do this, I really got to do it.
Do it.
(INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) For starters, you're a failure.
- (BONES CRACKLE) - gah! You didn't go to college.
Daddy pays our mortgage.
And you're a terrible husband and father.
- Ouch! - Your whole life is a pattern of hateable noises.
- Ooh! - The way you chew a banana makes it sound like it's filled with bones.
- Ouch! - I loathe the little wheeze at the crest of every breath you take.
- Yikes! - I hate the one story you tell at every cocktail party about almost meeting John Kerry.
That's a good story.
You didn't even meet him! - (BONES CRACKLE) - Almost.
Your eyeglass lenses have been smudged for 19 years.
- Aw, crap.
- (BONES CRACKLE) Everyone hates it when you see fireworks and you announce, "this is the finale!" - Please stop.
- Pink Floyd is multiple guys! He is? You're so predictable.
I know every word that's gonna come out of your mouth before you even say it.
BOTH: Balderdash.
Heavens.
Stop that.
I worked for purolator courier before they went bankrupt.
- Appearance.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) - (BONES CRACKLING) Intelligence.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Penis size.
(BLOWING RASPBERRY) (BONES CRACKING) And another thing! Well, Lois, you are a master.
Well, let me first start by saying y'all's doing your relationship a huge favor by coming to couples counseling.
Now, why don't y'all start by each trying to suck up to me so I can choose who I'm-a side with? Well, I'm Stewart, and I would love to offer you a freshly baked brownie.
Mmm.
Oh, my.
Someone's already in the lead.
I'm Chris.
I'm somehow both signing the checks and always wrong.
See, this is why we came.
Right? It's this all day.
Oh, that's right.
I'm not allowed to mention I'm paying for this.
It's both 100% true and also the worst thing anybody could possibly say.
He had his arms crossed the whole ride here.
Excuse me if I don't buy into this whole headshrinker business.
Stewie promised he'd make healthy meals for us, but all he ever makes is frozen pizza.
You said you loved pizza, especially when I make the ones with the crust made of "hwheat.
" He also does that.
Oh, really? Go ahead.
Show him those girls you follow on Instagram.
It's all bosoms and derrieres on there.
This is all stuff I've talked about with my life coach, Kyle.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah, "life coach.
" Kyle's into you and you know it.
What?! Okay.
Chris, why don't you tell your side of the story while I share looks with Stewart that say, "whoa, this is what you got to deal with?" (CRYING): This is just so hard.
Stewie won't stop blaming me about the death, but it's not my fault.
I didn't kill our squirrel.
You know, I'm sad, too! - (CRYING) - I know.
I-I just I just don't know what to do with all these feelings! Which is why I suppose I've been taking them out on you.
I'm so sorry, Chris.
(SNIFFLES) Me, too, Stewie.
We can't bring our baby back, but we'll always have Tuesday through Friday of last week.
Keep talking.
I's just gonna open up this big book and use the time you're paying for to figure out when you're next available.
It was a true pleasure parenting our squirrel with you, Chris.
Likewise, Stewie.
And although his life was brief, I'll always have very fond memories of him.
Wait, "him"? It-it was a her.
No, it wasn't.
The squirrel was a boy.
What? That's crazy.
- Chris, he was a boy.
- How do you know? Well, you've got to check with your finger.
But you really got to get it in there.
Huh.
Well, then maybe it's better that our baby you molested is dead.
Ooh, fudge! "Don't be a grinch.
Please return plate to G.
Quagmire.
" Oh, great.
So it's a gift and an errand.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
(CRYING) I love L.
A.
We love it! PETER: All right! New pants!