Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e03 Episode Script

RACE COMMENTATOR: 'They're off' Hey-up, I'm onto a winner at last! You needn't be walking with me.
Fate keeps throwing us together.
No use fighting against it.
It's better than accepting it! I don't know why you waste money in betting shops! Wait until my big treble comes up.
It's thee and me for the big time.
I'll make you an attractive offer.
You needn't bother.
You don't even know what it is.
I don't want to.
Tha'll be sorry.
It could be thee and me on the Orient Express.
You couldn't afford the DAILY Express! What about Wally's insurance? I'm not too proud to be kept.
What's this? A person in search of a hernia? Always find the centre of balance.
You see? A tip I learned from the former Mrs Truelove.
It's not me first ladder.
It handles much more easily.
You can manoeuvre with half the effort.
The fool was clearly speeding.
If you need a witness, call me.
You can secure anything with a small deposit.
How small? How small have you got? Never mind.
I get the message.
You couldn't put a deposit on a deposit.
It's just a temporary shortage.
Of trousers, too! What are you after anyway? A nice gift for a lady.
I admire your ambition.
I don't fancy your chances in your financial state.
I thought we might come to an arrangement.
What did you have in mind? I've got this house full of antiques that I don't know the value of.
I thought tha'd take a look, maybe take your pick.
We could do a swap.
How old is this stuff? Oh, it's old.
Very old.
Have you got some old furniture? Have I got some old furniture?! I could come round this afternoon.
Tha'll never regret it.
It's a buyer's market.
How's your heart? I'm not selling THAT! Is it reliable? It's fine.
Just checking.
I don't want another one going to pieces when I make an offer.
I'll see you later.
Ridiculous fuss.
I wouldn't say that.
I was only giving them a quick brush.
Not that.
This fool in the paper.
Stops some idiot choking in a restaurant, suddenly he's a hero.
Big picture self-satisfied smile I'D have thought he was a hero.
Especially if it was ME that was choking! The action was decent enough.
It's all the fuss.
When I did something heroic, there was nobody around to make a fuss! Career-wise, that's where I went wrong.
I should have sucked up to the media more, instead of being Truly of The Yard, Man of Mystery.
I thought it was Man of MISERY.
On account of the former Mrs Truelove.
A case in point.
She was worth a medal! Women are funny.
From the front, anyway.
Funny? "Amuse me", she said.
I tried everything.
I showed her how handcuffs work.
They always want more.
Mine bought me some slippers.
They were old fashioned.
Even I could see that.
So I knew that the keynote was going to be comfort rather than anything excitable.
I felt better after that.
I know fellas whose mothers-in-law were at death's door and mine wasn't even trying.
Would you say he's competent up a ladder? Howard's not all that competent on the ground! See how easy it would be to gain a reputation for swift action in an emergency? It was always easy.
You just run the other way.
Not if you require your picture in the press! You want your picture in the papers! Merely to demonstrate how easy it is if one is that way inclined.
So where's the emergency? That's him up the ladder.
Howard is about to break his neck.
No! Howard's always up a ladder.
Pearl's trained him for ladders.
She's done everything except feed him bananas.
I don't agree.
Look at him.
Clearly incompetent up a ladder.
Not properly secured at the bottom.
He looks all right to me.
I have an instinct for these things.
See? Petrified.
Clearly aware of how dangerous it is.
I was all right till you started kicking the ladder! Kicking the ladder? I was testing for safety.
The first duty of the emergency services.
After ensuring that they're photogenic.
Howard, are you thinking of falling off that ladder? No, thank you very much.
There you are, Truly.
Let's go.
How can you take the word of a total idiot? He's not fit to be left here.
Let yourself go! Strong arms are waiting to only just miss you.
You were right, Truly.
You said somebody was going to get hurt! Compared with the former Mrs Truelove, he's a novice with a wet cloth.
Morning, Mr Simmonite.
Morning, Barry.
Out on building society business? That's right.
Big, that building society you work for? Very big.
Very successful? Very.
We have assets of several hundred millions.
Several hundred millions?! And all I want is a loan of a few quid.
What are the chances? Not good! I thought I'd ask.
No harm in asking.
No.
Must be hard for thee, to turn down a bloke for a few quid when tha's got several hundred million! Yes.
We all have sleepless nights over it(!) Tha mustn't have sleepless nights.
If I owed thee a few quid, I wouldn't have sleepless nights! I've just been told I can't have a loan from the building society.
What made you think you were building society material? Just a guess.
I think it must be me age that's against me.
What were you wearing? Have you thought of a ski-mask and a gun? Why approach a building society? Your financial moves are all made at the betting office.
Business is a bit slow.
And your horses even slower! You have the right to remain silent, but what do you want a loan for? To give Nora a treat.
No problem.
Move to Australia.
It's full of Aussies.
There's always a snag.
A treat for Nora Batty! You're a little softie! I am, Norm! Underneath that funny exterior, there's an even funnier inside.
Listen! Sssh! Thought I heard something.
Like what? The cry of distress.
It were a curlew.
Oh.
A curlew in distress! Whatever if was, Truly of The Yard is always ready.
What's he talking about, Norm? He's determined to rescue somebody.
To show how easy it is to get in the papers.
He can rescue me from poverty.
You wouldn't like not being poor.
There's too much responsibility.
Ye gods! Is is raining THAT hard?! I'm going fishing.
I'd never have guessed(!) I didn't think you were playing cricket.
I thought I'd have a cup of tea before I go, then people will know I've gone fishing.
Even though you tell them you're going fishing, people don't always believe you.
If you've got witnesses, they MIGHT believe you.
If Pearl inquires, I'll tell her you've gone fishing.
And it you haven't gone fishing, she needn't worry cos you're not going to get up to much in THAT lot! Experience tells us that there's nothing to be gained by doing anything heroic if there's no-one around to see.
I bet the first one never to be around when heroics was needed was thee! This chest would have been covered with medals if there'd been witnesses to my deeds! THIS chest would have been covered with previous convictions if there'd been witnesses! This chest would have been covered with embarrassment if there'd been witnesses to even half the things that life gets you into.
Even when you're not really trying.
Know what I hated about the war? They gave you all that uniform, then took it away for every medical.
Now, here you have your standard accident waiting to happen.
But it's all fenced off.
With a poncy bit of plastic in two tasteful tones(!) Who's gonna fall in there in broad daylight? Here's one possibility! What's up? There's a hole in the road.
Good heavens! Fancy! Who'd leave THAT there? There's something about that gaping hole that reminds me of the former Mrs Truelove.
I'm getting ready for a drink.
Think of your fellow human beings! I am.
I'm wondering which one's paying! I give in.
It's my turn.
Norman, I like thee better than a building society! And I don't close on Sundays.
Just a moment.
Let's examine the evidence here.
Have you two ever thought there might be some sinister reason why there's no-one around that hole? Where are the workmen? They've gone for a drink.
Unlessthey're lying down there overcome by fumes.
Now, trust me.
I have an instinct for these things.
Your Barry's at work then, is he? Yes.
He has a very responsible position.
It must be nice when you know where they are.
I ALWAYS know where Barry is.
You've got one in a million.
Doesn't he have ANY peculiarities? Not really.
Not my Barry.
Seems unnatural.
Well, he occasionally plays the saxophone.
It's better than what MINE plays.
Mine plays the fool all the time.
He's gone fishing.
He's got more gear on than the average trawler.
My Barry's not very sporting.
There's always a snag.
You can't have everything.
Does he often listen to manholes? I'd no idea he was musical! Don't just stand there taking the wee-wee.
Come and listen! I can't hear anything.
Exactly.
I can't hear anything exactly either.
If they were alive, we should be hearing something.
None of our business.
Which is why your average innocent citizen gets into serious trouble.
Other people go sauntering past saying, "None of my business.
" Take your jacket off.
What for? You don't want to be a vital part of this rescue operation? What does thou think, Norman? Take it off.
It's easier than arguing.
People could be in trouble down there! You cheeky bat! Hello! Hello! Hello! Are you all right down there? If you can't speak, give one knock for yes, two for no.
You see? No reply.
Must be fumes.
In those days, in the grocery trade, it were a very long apprenticeship.
Not like these days, no.
There were so many things to learn.
I were 21 before they let me near the bacon slicer! I ought to be These days, you see bits of kids hanging on bacon slicers! You know, I can remember spending my first three years cutting pats of butter.
It were all in a big lump in one big tub.
Us butter patters, we had to learn how to pat it into handy little pats of butter.
That's very interesting, but I don't think anyone round here is a better butter patter than I am.
If ever you need any butter patting, let me know.
That's kind of you.
Thank you.
Barry, just the lad! The barmaid's car won't start.
Can you help me? I-I'm working It won't take a minute.
But Before we hurry to rescue you, perhaps you could advise us if the fumes are likely to be fatal.
I don't like this.
Someone's got to go down there.
I've done MY bit.
Tha's on my jacket.
Clegg, YOU'LL have to go.
Why me? I'd rather go myself, but I've got to stay and organise.
I want you to go down there and test for fumes.
How do I do THAT? Whistle like a canary.
If it stops, get out.
You do it in a scientific manner.
Go down there and have a good sniff.
Suppose it's poisonous? Try to inhale no more than the recommended dose.
Oh, I'LL go! Stay calm.
I'm on my way.
If there are any smokers down there, this is not a good time! I'm coming down nowwwwwwww! Ooops! When he goes down, he REALLY goes down.
Is this yours? BOTH: Never seen him before! I daren't get me clothes dirty.
I've got a client to see.
Of course you daren't.
Edie tells everybody how spotless and managerial you are.
Not quite managerial.
Not yet.
I'LL do the grimy bits.
I was born to do the grimy bits.
You sit behind the wheel and follow my instructions.
She's a bit chaotic inside.
Ever met a barmaid that wasn't? Give the engine a turn.
You're giving ME a turn! Hold it.
Can you come and hold this a minute, Barry? Fancy being trapped in your own home with an Auntie Wainwright! I feel sorry for HER if she has to turn his ferrets upside down looking for the hallmark.
Oh, hello.
What are you two doing out here? Where's the other one? Inside.
Engaged on business.
HIM? Doing business? They don't usually START from a position of bankruptcy.
Usually takes a while.
I just think he's so brave.
He's got Auntie Wainwright in there looking to buy some of his things.
If she wants junk, she's in the right place.
Is there a market for his kind of junk? For firelighters.
Is that allan egg cup? It's the only thing your ferrets haven't been in.
All that furniture and that's all you buy? You've got woodworm.
Never mind ME, what about the furniture? Just the egg cup, thank you.
I'll wait for the Antiques Roadshow.
Better off waiting for the dustcart.
There's very few people with taste around here.
There's stuff in there that goes back generations.
And that's just your unpaid bills! She wouldn't even buy this genuine wartime curio.
I thought that was me.
It always felt like me, especially when I was on sentry duty.
It's a life jacket.
That could be useful.
I knew your place was damp, but not THAT damp! Why don't we go for a drink? I bet he finds a reason! We don't go for a drink because we're on safety patrol.
I told you! We'd be just as safe having a drink.
Not OUR safety, the safety of river-users and other passers-by.
You think it's hard to get into the papers, but watch this space.
We're equipped for a rescue.
We've got a life jacket.
YOU'VE got a life jacket.
I'LL be going in.
Ah-ha! That's even better than going for a drink! I shall have the press pictures enlarged and sent to the former Mrs Truelove.
Pass me that big spanner.
Big spanner? The one that's bigger than the others! I think we're making progress now.
It's been a bigger job than I thought.
Lucky you were passing.
Just what I was thinking(!) How long are we gonna be stopping here? While ever lives are at risk.
WHAT lives at risk? Well, there's Truly for a start.
He'll be risking life and limb going in! "Going in"? You thought I meant all the way in? Isn't that the idea? The idea is to rescue people.
Not to get wet! Any fool can get wet.
I thought you wanted to look heroic.
Heroic and DRY.
The sensible thing, when somebody falls in, is to stand well back until he stops splashing and then fish him out with a pole.
What's the lifejacket for? It looks better when the press are taking pictures.
You won't forget to look modest? A policeman is highly trained at practising the right expression.
Nobody's gonna fall in here! That angler might fall in.
He's sitting on his backside on the bank! How's he gonna fall in? Here's a hypothetical case.
Someone is passing by with a pole and catches him, THEN he might fall in.
You wouldn't! No, of course I wouldn't.
Then again, I could be lying.
Mine's gone fishing.
Oh, they do.
Mine even went on our honeymoon.
That must have been a relief.
I don't think my Barry's ever been fishing.
He's happy looking tidy in a suit.
Your father went fishing once.
When he came back, he was green.
It was not quite a lime green, more a sort of Peppermint.
Yes.
They're unattractive when they're green.
Oh, yes.
It didn't suit Wesley.
It's obvious why I've never grumbled at him for being covered in oil.
He looks better black than green.
Mine goes a strawberry colour when he's lying.
Barry and I have a policy of being honest with each other.
She's very young.
If this is gonna take any longer, I'LL fall in.
Tha can rescue ME.
That's a very decent offer, but people won't believe it.
Why not? They'd never believe anyone would go in to rescue YOU.
That's nice! Not well-dressed enough to be rescued.
Besides, they'd think it was a fiddle.
But it IS a fiddle.
You're waiting here to push somebody in! That's a wicked slander! Tha were gonna push that angler in! I was saying how it MIGHT happen.
I know how it MIGHT happen.
If we're gonna hang about much longer, I'LL push him in.
Would you? There's a good chap.
Perhaps I've misjudged you.
I were kidding! BARKING Dogs can swim.
I bet it's dying for a swim.
Yes, that's right.
This brave chap is risking his all to save a dog.
Yes, the poor little mite.
Very dramatic.
Heart-warming.
A wonderful human interest story.
Don't forget to bring a photographer.
SQUELCH! You've got it going? Sweet as a bird.
You're a genius.
It's just a gift.
And this young man helped? He does the simple jobs.
Oh, I think it's wonderful! Barry! It was your father.
He said, "Come and hold this.
" When it comes to it, I don't think he'll be able to do it.
I don't think he'll be capable of throwing that poor dog in.
I think he could throw the former Mrs Truelove in! Only if the papers were present.
Now! Here, dog.
I'm not going to hurt you.
Will it be in the papers? Of course it'll be in the papers! Front page.
Oh, Howard, we're in the papers! He's in the papers? I was the one that did the rescuing.
I went in to save the dog.
The dog's still dry.
See how successful I was? BBC - 1998