Family Guy s19e04 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Ah, the beach.
So much to do.
Unlimited possibilities.
There is nothing to do at the beach.
Why did we come here? Peter, just set up our blanket.
I got to put on my swimsuit that's a one-piece that turns into shorts.
Once you hit a certain age, that's the swimsuit you have for the next 40 years.
Hey, Lois, you remember that time you and me made it under the boardwalk? When I go back to school, my greaser friends are gonna say, "Tell me more, tell me more," and I'm gonna say you were a slut.
That was the first time I noticed you didn't have an ear.
- What? - Never mind.
Maybe we go back under that boardwalk, hmm? What, right now? Yeah, why not? Let's sneak away from the kids and go get busy.
Oh, I'd love to, Peter, but here comes Chris with a too-much-sun beach tantrum.
Mom, I tried to look at a lady who was lying with her straps down and she saw me and she said something to her friend and they laughed! What lady? Where? Oh.
Stand back, son.
Watch how it's done.
Those ladies are really mean.
Come on, Brian.
I'm gonna make you a YouTube surfin' dog.
You know, one of those videos where you can't tell if he's enjoying it or not.
- I love it.
- I hate it.
Previously on Big Brother, Tanner became Head of Household, while host Julie Chen had plastic surgery to look less Chinese.
Later, Sasha won veto power over Eric but not before Julie married CBS Chairman Les Moonves to get her job.
And Les himself was accused of assaulting more than a dozen women.
With nominations looming and Les fired for his predatory behavior, the Boys Alliance of Jeremy and Pablo strategized while Julie stepped down from The Talk to avoid uncomfortable questions, but continues to host this show and spend Les' enormous wealth.
Who will be evicted tonight? Will Julie's craven opportunism ever end? And what does it actually mean to have an employee "on call" for oral? This would be better with a snack.
Seems like a safe place to open a full bag of Cheez Doodles.
Hey.
Sup? Hey.
Okay, I'll give you one, but don't tell your friends.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No.
Hey.
Okay, Lois, the kids are gone.
Let's sneak under the boardwalk and have sandy relations.
I don't know, Peter.
Come on.
I am so ready.
I snarfed a bunch of oysters from over there, where the foam is super yellow.
Can you do it in less than two minutes? When have I not? Okay.
Quick, before the kids come Ah! Here they are.
Locals have renamed me Sandy Crevices, and they're absolutely right.
Please have all my mail forwarded accordingly.
And we were so close to sneaking away.
I'm sorry, Peter.
Well, I guess I'll go throw this candy wrapper in the beach trash.
See you in 45 minutes.
Ah, damn it! So, what should we do now that we're finally down here? How 'bout we do something that ain't been done under a pier in 50 years: have heterosexual sex.
So, a strange man is changing Stewie on our blanket.
Hey, mind your business, Brian! We now return to Wreck-It Ralph 3: Ralph Wrecks the Toilet.
Hey, Lois, I know we ain't under the boardwalk no more, but You and me got unfinished business.
- Wha? - Come here, you.
What the hell? Wh-What is that? It sounds like a happy family dishwashing scene? Aw, crap, it's a happy family dishwashing scene.
Yay! We make a good team, clearly! We work to upbeat music.
That means we're compatible.
They even let the dog pitch in! How likable! And the baby thinks he's helping! He was probably filmed separately, though.
Notice he's just an insert shot.
Turn that music off.
And get the kitchen out of the living room.
Damn it! What do we got to do to get some time to ourselves? Amen.
Honestly You guys are more frustrating than trying to sell men's suits in Australia.
Wh Wh-What's happening? Oh, my God, the iPad! Thank God.
So, what do you think? Uh, they're a little long in the leg.
Can you make 'em shorts, cut off the sleeves, and make the shirt say "Billabong"? - Uh, sure.
- Thanks, mate.
I really want people to see my snow-white back hair against my brown skin.
Wh-What are we doing here? Yeah, I-I don't know.
This is weird.
- Would you like a belt? - Eh, I'll take two.
- One for each wrist.
- No, this is not good.
I think we somehow sent ourselves into a cutaway.
So, what's the special occasion? I'm marrying my catamaran.
I don't understand how we got here.
All I know is that we both set up this cutaway at the same time, and now we're inside this cutaway in Australia.
That'll be 23 Australian dollars, - not regular dollars.
- See? So, you and I set up a cutaway at the same time and that somehow put us in the cutaway? Well, this is weirder than an uptight guy at an Eagles concert.
Who out there wants to "Take It Easy"? Not me.
Do you read the papers? Look around you.
All right.
Well, you want to - "Take It to the Limit"? - Not really.
That would be a little foolhardy, wouldn't it? Okay.
This time, I set up the cutaway by myself, and it sent us here.
Weird.
It's like this is a whole CutawayLand.
And it takes a setup from both of us to get us in or out of CutawayLand but only one of us to move within CutawayLand.
Lois, are you saying that it takes a setup from both of us to get in or out of CutawayLand but only one of us to move within CutawayLand? Exactly, Peter.
It takes a setup from both of us to get in or out of CutawayLand but only one of us to move within CutawayLand.
I want to be done with this part.
Who likes "Life in the Fast Lane"? Not anyone who wants to get there in one piece.
Peter, this may sound crazy, but this is our chance at the getaway we didn't have at the beach.
Hey, you're right.
No kids just you and me.
And we can go anywhere.
Like like when we hid in Tom Brady's locker and watched him shower.
Look at that.
It's just as big as you want it to be but not so big that it's gonna distract him.
There's a Trump hat in here.
Don't look at the Trump hat.
Look at his penis.
All right, fine.
You ruined this.
This is more frustrating than Charlton Heston's funeral.
Um, 'scuse me, is-is this his cold, dead hand? Uh yes.
He, uh he said I could take this.
Oh, oh, I want to do one.
This is better than a spin class where the instructor is just two giant Swedish legs.
Congratulations! 80% of success is just showing up! The other 20% is super loud, five-year-old Coldplay songs! Yeah! Who's ready to puke at 5:00 a.
m.
? Ah, this is great! Peter, where are you? I'm a spin class bicycle seat.
Oh, no! The one middle-aged, post-gastric bypass guy! He didn't clean these shorts from last class! It was the strangest thing, Joe.
Peter and Lois were right here talking to us, and they just disappeared.
All right, just keep giving me details and I'll be taking notes and definitely not drawing cool TIE fighters on this notepad.
Okay, well, it was 5:30 and we'd all just gotten back from the beach.
We were all having fun washing dishes.
- Stay on target.
- Then, out of nowhere, Peter and Lois get all angry with us and start yelling at us.
There's too many of 'em! It's a trap! But, wait, look at that perfectly drawn Millennium Falcon.
"Roar!" said Chewbacca.
Chris, now that Mom and Dad are gone, we should have a rager.
Oh, I get those mostly in the morning.
You and me both, buddy.
Again, an insert shot.
We really had a hard time syncing our schedules this week.
Ah, this is wonderful, Peter.
It-It's like a honeymoon in CutawayLand, away from our kids.
Yep.
Next stop, Paris.
Aw, crap, we picked the wrong line.
May I have your name, please? Robert Loggia.
Can you spell that for me? Certainly.
That's "Robert Loggia.
" "R" as in "Robert Loggia.
" "O" as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia.
" "B" as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia.
" Oh, God, there are reruns in CutawayLand.
I remember this one.
It takes a while.
Longer than it took to get my iPad back from Chris.
What is he watching? BBC.
Let's see what's going on in England.
Huh, I didn't know there was a BBC 12.
Oh, my God! Brexit.
Stage right.
Actually, I will take this.
This is wonderful, too.
I've always wanted to ride in a hot-air balloon.
Actually, Lois, it's a fart-air balloon.
So, what do you think of Santa Fe? This is terrible.
I'd rather be in the pancake ER.
- What do we got? - It was a bad flip.
He got folded over on himself, so he's still wet on the other side.
- Was he the first one of the batch? - He was.
Damn it! It's always the first one of the batch.
All right, get him in a room and give him 20 cc's of Log Cabin negative.
The butter burned, so there's a crispy black circle around the circumference.
Son of a bitch.
Tell the family he's going to lose his outer crust.
- Excuse me, Doctor? - What?! Pancakes aren't people.
We need this wing for Covid.
I can't believe it.
Principal Shepherd came to our party.
Welcome.
Glad to have you, John.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Is that girl here who wears the butt cheek bottom shorts? No, she transferred to that alternative school.
Oh.
Do you happen to know if they're having a party tonight? What? You can't leave yet.
You haven't even tried the cake.
This cake says, "You can beat chemo, Helen.
" It was on a discount.
Helen couldn't beat chemo.
Dancing on a table, yo! Things about to get cra Oh! Cra Oh! Sweet! A cutaway about an unlocked hospital medicine closet.
I chose this cutaway 'cause it's fun and for sure not to feed my fentanyl addiction.
You have AIDS Ooh! And next door is a classic song about AIDS that I now partly regret.
What a blessed day in CutawayLand.
Peter, this has been fun, but I want to go back home.
- What? - I miss the kids.
I want to go back.
- I want to see our family.
- But, Lois - Is this Mr.
Devanney's room? - Mr.
Devanney, right.
That's the name of the guy with the AIDS.
Next room over.
Lois, our kids suck and cutaways are good.
What's the problem here? They may suck, but they're our children.
- Tom Devanney? - Tom Devanney, who in fact has AIDS, - is next door.
- My mistake.
"Judy Garland Showtime Pills"? What do these do? Forget your troubles, come on, get happy You better chase all your cares away.
Peter, enough.
I know you want to have fun with drugs, but what's the point of drugs if you don't have kids to share 'em with? Damn it, Lois.
We're having fun for once, but all you can talk about is the kids.
Well, I'm sorry, Peter.
I want to go back.
And with any luck, we'll get home by wine o'clock.
- What was that? - Hilarious mom wine joke.
- You think so? - Oh, I don't think.
I pinot.
Oh, boy, here I go.
Forgive me, Father, for I have zinned.
- Please-please stop.
- Okay, you don't like these jokes, but let's see what all the moms eating soup at Panera Bread think.
Well, I don't care if you miss the kids.
I am not gonna let you ruin this.
- Tom Brady's locker.
- Peter, we've already Tom Brady's locker.
Okay, Peter, that's it.
We're going home, and we're going home now.
All right, fine.
Let's say it at the same time.
This is like the time we were together with our family.
Wh-Where am I? Mom? Dad? I haven't been given a morsel of food since you left, by the way.
Not one crumb.
I was just driving a car a second ago.
That's a problem, right? And now to exhibit the only power I have in this world.
Stop.
Hey, stop.
He's not stopping.
You're supposed to stop for my hand.
You're supposed to stop for my hand! You're supposed to stop for my hand! You're supposed to stop for my hand! - What is this? - It's just a little mix-up.
Peter, let's try it again.
This is like the time we were together with our family at home.
What Why didn't it work? This is better than being at home.
"We make a better team than" at home.
"Worse than" at home? "The AIDS person is Tom Devanney, which is the name of a Family Guy writer" home? Oh, God, Peter.
I think we're stuck here.
Yeah.
I'm also bummed 'cause I'm missing that Australian guy's marriage to his catamaran.
Didgeridoo you take this boat to be your wife? - I didgeridoo.
- And now, if there are any spiders the size of dinner plates that object to this marriage, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Go get 'em, mate! I now pronounce you man and boat.
Wait, so, when you two disappeared, you were just doing cutaways? - And now we're all trapped here? - In our defense, we only disappeared 'cause we don't like you.
How did we get here? What is this place? Well, Chris, it's CutawayLand.
Well, what are the rules here? Okay.
It takes a setup from both of us.
Highway Let me slip away on you Carefree highway You seen better days.
And that's how it works.
I still don't fully understand.
Okay.
In order to move within CutawayLand An old-time movie 'Bout a ghost from a wishing well In a castle dark.
I still don't get it, but let's just move on.
What are we gonna do, Mom? Shut up, everyone, shut up! First things first, did you clean up the house before coming to CutawayLand? 'Cause if it's found messy, it's gonna reflect poorly on me.
Hello? Anyone? Hmm, quite messy.
That reflects poorly on Mrs.
Griffin.
Sorry to intrude.
I just wanted to let myself in to your private residence.
Huh.
Nobody's home.
Nobody's home? Principal party! Now, when I was a young boy At the age of five My mother said I was gonna be The greatest man alive But now I'm a man Way past 21.
We got to get out of here.
Come on, let's think.
Huh, look at that.
They've got every other team's playbook alphabetized.
Don't look at the Patriots' rampant cheating.
Look at the Trump hat.
There's a phone.
Maybe we can call someone for help.
Joe was looking for you guys before.
Maybe he can help.
I'll give it a try.
This cord is all tangled up.
What do I do, Patriots owner Robert Kraft? Just give it a tug.
It'll straighten out.
All right, I'm calling Joe.
Joe is on a vacation far away You called him up to talk it over Oh, yeah, this thing.
So many things that you want to say Leave your message when the beep is over I don't wanna miss your call tonight Super long.
I already missed your call tonight Joe, pick up.
Pick up, Joe.
Hey, Joe, what's with these crooks on Wall Street? Oh, my God, don't even get me started on those guys.
Joe, shut up.
No one cares.
Just tell me, are you in the real world, or are you a cutaway? Uh, no, I'm at home.
- Why, do you need me for a cutaway? - Okay, good.
Just making sure you're not Cutaway Joe.
Hey, you know, that should be your answering machine.
Cutaway Joe to "Cotton Eye Joe.
" Call me back in three minutes.
- Joe, we don't have - Call me back in three minutes.
I just called you, where did you go? Where did you run to, Cutaway Joe? - Hilarious, right? - Joe, we're stuck in CutawayLand.
- How do we get out? - Well, according to a 16-year-old autistic fan in Akron, Ohio, "In order for the Griffins to escape "from a theoretical CutawayLand, they must first journey "back to the original Family Guy cutaway with Adolf Hitler and kill him.
" That's it! We'll kill Hitler to prevent CutawayLand and nothing else.
But how do we get there? Our setups aren't working.
Well, this is where it gets a little complicated.
"In order to return to the original cutaway, each family member must" Does anyone know where the love of God goes When the waves turn the minutes to hours? Wow, Joe's instructions were perfect.
Well, who's going to kill Hitler? Peter, I got to admit, I'm not comfortable with this plan.
Yeah, I know he was evil, but do we really have the right to take the life of another human being? Human being? It's Hitler.
Wow, the middle-class morality of Brian Griffin.
Hitler head, yo! He cried like a bitch when I did it.
Let's get out of here.
We're we're back.
Meg, you saved us.
Why are all these principals in our house? You don't want all these nuts roaming the streets.
Gary, another LaCroix over here.
- Pamplemousse? - If they have it, yeah.
Peter? Peter, are you okay? Wh-What? What's happening? You've been passed out for 22 minutes, babbling about cutaways and Hitler.
- We were so worried.
- I wasn't that worried.
Maybe you shouldn't have eaten those raw oysters.
I-I'm fine, I'm fine.
Let's just go home.
All right.
Let me take this sweet, sticky Popsicle paper to that beach trash can that has bees on it now.
Damn it!