Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e04 Episode Script

Did we really have to come all this way to do it? I'm too tired to be tired! I won't do it where anybody can see me.
Not till I get the hang of it.
Not till I'm looking good.
Looking good could be regarded as a bit ambitious in your case, but put yourself in my hands.
You'll soon get the hang of it.
They'll never believe this.
They'll never know unless some big mouth tells them! Right, chaps.
Put it down there.
Right.
Now, are you ready? I'm ready! I'm ready! Right.
After three.
One, two, three, go! MUSIC: Victor Sylvester "You're Dancing On My Heart" I thought I'D be leading! Not advisable.
I'll lead till you get the hang of it.
Do you come here often, you two? I'll be able to ask Nora Batty for a dance.
Does she ever go to a dance? Maybe she will if there's somebody handy next door.
It's uncanny how he reminds me of the former Mrs Truelove.
Be careful.
I'm only going to work.
Most accidents happen at work.
That's factories and coalmines.
I work in an office.
We've even got a drinks machine.
How hot?! Barry! Can I have a word with you? Will you take this breakfast to Wesley at the shed? We've hardly seen him for days.
What's he doing? The Smedley Annual Fete(!) The mad machine competition.
He's gone in for it again.
What sort of mad machine? Who knows? It's top secret.
He's got massive security.
You'll need the password.
Password? Without the password, he'll shoot you! Do be careful! Oh, I'll be all right with the password.
.
.
What IS the password? The password? Oh, I knew it a minute ago.
He changes it every day.
The password? Treacle pudding! Or was it blancmange? What sort of password is treacle pudding? Or blancmange? Your father always believed in keeping things simple.
The secret of a good password is it shouldn't sound like a password.
Aye, well, he's got that bit right.
I want to show you this derelict barn where nobody ever comes.
Oh, Howard! You quite sweep a girl off her feet! I found it quite by accident.
It seemed like a good place for a little picnic.
Another picnic, Howard? I remember how keen you were when I first suggested one.
You said you were a man with a fierce appetite.
I didn't realise it was just for sausage rolls.
Come on, this barn's ideal.
It could be our own private place.
Oh, goody(!) More sausage rolls.
I don't suppose there are many people even know about it.
VICTOR SYLVESTER MUSIC PLAYS It's only me, Mr Pegden! It's Barry! I've brought you some breakfast.
Treacle pudding! Treacle pudding! It's your breakfast, Mr Pegden.
Treacle pudding! For breakfast? Treacle pudding! Or is it blancmange? Blancmange, Mr Pegden! He doesn't know his blancmange from his treacle pudding! Treacle pudding! Treacle pudding, Mr Pegden! It's blancmange! GROWL Yesterday was treacle pudding! Maybe he's in midlife crisis.
That's just his trousers.
Learning to dance, that's serious.
Next it'll be sequins and his own hair dryer.
He can borrow mine.
Policemen have their own hair dryers? No! I meant the sequins.
'Ello, 'ello, it's twinkle toes! You realise you're probably in breach of Road Traffic regulations? I've got an audience.
They're riveted with indifference.
Round here they never show any emotion.
You think so? You try making a noise when they're playing bingo! Closed?! I can't go to work like this.
You don't look so bad, considering.
Where did you get that dog? I borrowed it.
From Jurassic Park(?) He's all right when you get to know him.
Yeah, we were quite close.
Well, you'd better get off to work, lad.
I've got work to do myself.
It's none of our business where the ladies are going, but there are police practices for finding out.
Here they come.
The secret is to engage them in casual conversation then steer it round to their motives and intentions.
I can do that.
Nimbly now.
Don't embarrass me.
Embarrass?! You danced with him! But I was leading.
We're talking diplomatic here.
The subtle approach.
No problem.
'Ey up, lasses! Where's tha going, then? None of your business! Who asked you to interfere? We don't ask where you're going! Well, I tried.
And you did great until you opened your mouth.
Thanks, Norm.
I give up! Does that mean next time I can lead? Why don't we follow them? It's better than watching you dance.
Are we really that interested? I am.
That's my bird all dressed up.
He's already in midlife crisis.
This could push him over the edge.
As soon as we've found an edge, let's push him! You don't mean that, Norm! I do if you keep on dancing! Oh, come on.
They're all going! It's some kind of ladies' outing.
I think we should forget it.
We're getting outnumbered now.
I'm no stranger to being outnumbered.
Being married to the former Mrs Truelove was like being outnumbered.
Did she save string and brown paper? Edith used to save them.
What she saved was energy.
When she died, Edith left me in a strong position with regard to string and brown paper.
My powers of police observation are informing me that those are bun tins.
Why are they carrying bun tins? Maybe it's a picnic.
Hey, why don't we sort of stumble in accidentally and see what's going in the food line? It'll go fast if YOU'RE there.
ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVSAND REVS How are we going to follow them now? You know my motto.
If at first you don't succeed, pack it in.
COMPO BLOWS RASPBERRY Just what we need - a dozy civilian.
Follow that car! What car?! We'll show thee when we see it.
Go in that direction.
I need some repairs.
Then I've work.
Put tha clog down, Barry! Let's go! These days, if you want to survive, you've got to advertise.
But it's so expensive.
That's why you've no salary, but very good commission.
If you can increase my takings, you'll do very well out of it, lad.
I want you to go fearlessly where few with boards have ever trod.
Yes.
Like up and down the supermarkets, into Woolworths.
Don't be shy.
No.
If they object, tell them you've popped in for some drawing pins.
But don't go spending recklessly on drawing pins.
Bluff your way out.
But are you ready psychologically? I'm ready, I'm ready.
Good lad.
Off you go, then.
Into the town.
Spread the word.
I will, I will.
Well, what are you waiting for? Which way is the town? I thought since Pearl was out for the day, we ought to take the chance to spend an hour together.
Oh, doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself(?) I'm dying to see the view at the top.
I think I'm just dying, Howard! We could stop for a moment while you take deep breaths.
You sure know how to fill a day with every conceivable excitement! The sooner we get to the top, the sooner we can freewheel down again.
We ARE going to stop somewhere for a rest? Of course we are.
I know I sometimes look a bit rough and macho, but actually I'm not brutal with my ladies.
Be brutal if you must, Howard.
Women were born to be mistreated.
I don't think Pearl realises that.
Are you very cruel with her, Howard? Well, let's just say she knows who's boss.
It's your father! He's been messing about again.
How come it's me father's fault?! He can't leave this car alone.
It used to go straighter than this! I feel safer here than I did on the road.
How are we going to get these buns to Granny Basenthwaite? There'll be somebody passing soon.
Up here?! I bet there's not been six cars since Roman times! I can tell when he's been tinkering with this car.
It does as it likes.
I think I can hear a car coming.
Don't let them get past.
No, there might never be another vehicle.
If they do go past, throw something hard at them.
Like these buns.
My buns aren't hard! I've never had a reputation for inflexible buns! And my buns aren't hard after a lifetime of catering experience.
I'm sure old Granny Basenthwaite won't notice the difference out in the wilds.
Here it comes.
It's my Barry! Drawn by some psychic impulse because he sensed I was in distress.
He has extra-sensory perception.
Look, never mind about that.
Has he got room for five? Oh, no! Look who he's got with him.
Now we ARE in distress.
'Ey up, ladies.
In a spot of trouble, are we? We are now! Oh, Barry! Instinctively you knew.
What have you done to your trousers? My Barry came so quickly he's torn his trousers! What does he mean he was looking for Woolworths' basement?! There we are then, ladies.
No damage done.
Especially to him.
He wasn't pushing.
It's me back.
I have to save it for real emergencies.
Such as what? Rescuing Nora Batty from a fire.
I'll wait for the Fire Brigade! Uniforms, you see.
The ladies always prefer us chaps in uniform.
Tha's not in uniform.
I may be retired, but the trilby says it all.
Detective Sergeant Truelove, CID.
Tha failed dog handling and did the paperwork in Lost Property! Only in between serial killers! You're not safe from ladies, even out of uniform.
You're still not safe in civvies.
Even WITH a waistcoat and pullover.
I hope it goes straight this time! I'll settle for staying on t'road.
Listen, why are tha taking buns to old lady Basenthwaite? Because she has a pot on her leg! With no modern amenities! What if one night I had a pot on MY leg? It's your head you'll get a pot on! To think my Barry gave his trousers to rescue us.
I've got to get to work.
I'm ever so late! Relax, Barry.
Have a bun.
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Where did you get those? They fell off a passing bun tin.
I found them lying about on some waste ground.
In the back seat.
Oh, well.
If they were obtained honestly, no harm in sharing them.
'Ey up, it's Wesley! In a hurry! That's a man with something to hide.
He's entering the mad machine competition.
Follow that LandRover! I've got to get to work! Not in them trousers.
Makes you feel good, not to be the one with the worst trousers.
It's a big responsibility, Norm.
BLOWS WHISTLE SIREN WAILS That was a close one! Don't get too close! I ought to be getting to work! It looks like you're off sick.
I can't tell them that! I bet tha's sick of us.
Sick of us? Who offers a wider range of activities? Is this yours? The bits with lettering on are.
He wandered into an explosion zone.
To think he'd walk through shot and shell for the sake of commerce.
I can't always get staff like that.
You nearly lost him.
Oh, it's not difficult.
And you brought him safely home.
Oh, how kind.
Do come in.
No, thanks, love.
Oh, but you must.
While I, er, show my appreciation.
No, no, no.
Not you, lad.
I'm not paying you to stop here.
Oh, have you started paying me? Just a figure of speech.
Look, I'm going to have to go.
Keep your voice down, lad.
This is an undercover operation.
Any move could alert the enemy.
I haven't any enemies.
Maybe so.
But you're going the right way to get one.
That's a funny shape.
It's a bed! Well, it's his mad machine.
He's got the mad part, but what about the machine? ENGINE SPLUTTERS A bedmobile! Wesley has invented a power bed! Ho ho ho! It'll be a great boon to people late for work.
Speaking of late! Think of it as something unexpected, but educational.
With holes in your trousers?! You're with an expert at trouser holes.
That's true, Barry! Sometimes a wind comes all the way from Siberia to end up in those trousers.
See? I'm air-cooled.
I never get overheated, except under pressure from Nora Batty.
'Ey up! I've a tender spot for your machine.
Reminds me of the woman I loved.
I have to keep it secret until Smedley Annual Fete! Your secret is safe.
My chaps here know the value of security.
To the last pint.
And silence is going to cost thee a few, old lad! I've been betrayed! Mr Truelove suggests we look on it as unexpected, but educational.
And I've got a suggestion for him! It's no good.
We've suggested it.
He never listens.
Is it a racing bed or a touring bed, Wesley? Why does it remind him of the woman he loved? Well, we think it's psychological.
Unless, of course, she was roughly square and sagged in the middle.
She did! I'll always remember the way she sagged in the middle.
They live primitive out here! See that old grimy thing? That was Mr Basenthwaite! No, I mean the stove.
We all had them.
They needed black leading every Tuesday.
Why Tuesday? On Monday, you had Sunday's dinner warmed up, so by Tuesday the stove was cool enough.
Wasn't it dirty? Dirty? On Tuesdays, you couldn't tell me from your father! On Tuesdays, I had to stand on newspapers.
You don't know you're born! They've got gadgets these days that'll do nearly everything.
So have I.
It's called a Howard.
If it turns left again, don't blame me.
Keep to that side of the road! Tell the car, not me! Don't worry! Don't worry! And don't panic! I'm coming! I'm coming! Don't worry! Don't panic! Oh Oh! I've sprained something! I'll sprain something when I get home! Maybe we can push the car out.
Leave it! I'm not driving it until your father's got it going straight! What are you doing in bed now? What's happened? She's sprained her ankle.
Does she want a lift? You stay here and fix this car! Who's going to drive her home? You can.
After you get my car going.
EMBARRASSED LAUGHTER ENGINE FAILS TO START Well, I must say.
You lads know where the bargains are.
We've got to make a vow never to talk about this.
Whenever you're round this way, call again.
'Ey up, lass! We made it at last! Just keep to your side of the bed! How's tha twisted ankle? Never you mind.
Don't you start talking ankles.
Pedalling well, Howard.
I'm just showing this lady the way to Huddersfield.
Who's that in bed with you? Never you mind! It's a total stranger! Oh, Howard! We should get one of those! I wonder if passing the test would be very difficult.