Family Guy s19e05 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! God, can you believe that Trump hung himself in prison? I know! And that Chris Christie lost all that weight.
He still looks terrible, though.
(KNOCKING) - Oh, hey, Joe.
- Hey, Peter.
If you have a sec, there's something I want to talk to you about.
PETER: Oh, boy, this is it.
He wants me to have sex with Bonnie.
Now, remember, Peter, you can't say yes right away.
You let him talk you into it.
He's watching for that.
It's part of the dance.
I will absolutely have sex with Bonnie.
JOE: Sorry, Peter, you're too eager.
So, I came over to invite you to Susie's christening this weekend.
- Oh.
- And I don't just want you to be a guest.
I was wondering if you'd be willing to be the godfather.
- Godfather? - Yeah, you're my best friend, and, well, I'd like you to be Susie's godfather, too.
- Godfather II? - Wow, you're really warming to this.
Well, you've made two very compelling arguments.
Perhaps we should discuss this further in my poorly-lit den.
So, about this offer What are you guys discussing? And when did we get a den? Sorry, Lois, half of being a godfather is closing the door in your wife's face while she wonders what's going on inside.
But I just wanted to PETER: I forgot it was a swinging door.
(BELL TOLLING) (ITALIAN ACCENT): DiGiorno.
DiGiorno.
Joe Paterno.
DiGiorno.
Damn it, Peter, being Susie's godfather doesn't mean you're in the mob.
And you can't bring a cat to church.
Why not? He's Cat'lic.
(CAT SNICKERING) (GIGGLES) He does a Muttley laugh.
Where's the priest? Oh, the church ran out of priests months ago, 'cause of all the diddlin'.
Now they just have a rabbi fill in.
Shalom, everyone.
Welcome to the christening.
Now, before the child goes in the water, has it been at least 20 minutes since she ate? - Yes, Rabbi.
- Wonderful.
Then let's dunk this kid like a doughnut.
I hereby christen this child in the name of Jesus Christ, who was killed by we-don't-know-who, it's not important.
The last thing we want to do is point fingers Can you please take my daughter out of the water? Sorry.
Congratulations, sweetie, you're a Christian.
From now on, every Sunday you get to eat a hard cookie and pretend it's a guy.
Coffee in the smallest cup we have, as you requested.
- Grazie.
- And let me assure you, any shouting you hear from the kitchen is not Gordon Ramsay tearing us apart.
GORDON RAMSAY: Oh, disgusting! - (DISH SHATTERS) - Scusi.
Oh, God, here comes Doug.
He just got a race car bed, and now I'm gonna have to hear about it.
Hey, Stewie.
Still sleeping in the slow lane? (FORCED CHUCKLING) Okay.
Okay.
So, your mom still taking you to the ladies' room - to go pee-pee? - Actually, yes.
Yeah, me, too.
I don't like the men's room.
All the urinals are at mouth level.
I don't look at those.
I'm too busy fixing my hair in the mirror Oh! I'm sorry.
Ciao, Stewie! God, that was humiliating.
This party has turned south quick.
Like Bryan Singer's remake of Casablanca.
Here's looking at you, actual kid.
Everyone, I'd like to say a few words.
Uh, it's a very special day, as we dedicate Susie's life to Christ before she can consent to it or have any conception of what's happening.
Susie once licked a booger off my hand.
- I'm Chris, by the way.
- Thanks, Chris, but let's wait till we're called upon, bud.
Anyway, thank you all for coming.
And to the host.
Joe, thank you for having us in this restaurant with a painted wall that makes Venice look terrible.
OTHERS: To Joe! Everyone, enjoy.
Uh, for the kids, we've got games and also a party princess dressed as Elsa who's clearly a prostitute, but please don't proposition her here, just nod in her direction, trust me, she'll get it.
It's her profession.
Oh, cool, they got a piñata! - Peter, it's for the kids.
- Like hell it is.
I'm the godfather of this event, and I want a debilitating wine-and-candy headache.
Give me that, kid.
I'm your son, you dick.
Sir, please, you're making a scene.
No, I'm not.
I can do whatever I want.
I'm the godfather.
Uh-oh.
I'm-a so sorry, sir.
I didn't know.
Stanley Tucci.
Bobby Cannavale.
Hey! Portuguese waiters pretending to be Italians! Get the godfather whatever he wants! - Godfather? - There's a new godfather? Aw, look at the wall.
Why does Venice always look-a so terrible? From now on, you eat on the house.
You will be treated with the utmost respect, Godfather.
Grazie.
Now please name the menu item I ordered after me.
The dinosaur chicken tenders? All right, we'll find something else.
Thank you very much.
Hear that, Doug? My dad's now the godfather.
And yours is VP of Systems Integration or something? What was that, Stewie? I was invited to sit at the first grade table.
What?! How'd you get that invite? Big D energy, Stewie.
You either got it or you don't.
Oh, yeah? What does the "D" stand for? - Divorced? - (OTHERS GASP) - Wh-What?! - Stewie, my parents are trying to make it work.
- Gee, Stewie.
- They're doing their best.
He ended things with the nanny.
Not that it's any of your business.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, g-g-g-good for them.
Gene and Sheryl are wonderful people.
I-I hope they make it work.
Good vibes.
Healing.
G-G-G-God bless you all.
God, I can't believe Mike Pence came out of the closet just before he hung himself in prison.
- Bon Jovi, family.
- Morning, Dad.
Are things gonna change now that you're a godfather? Good question, Chris.
And yes, quite a bit.
I'll be touching faces a lot more than I used to.
My boys.
My bambinos.
No touch.
And I'll be totally oblivious to the affair between my bodyguard and my wife.
You look very nice today, Vincenzo.
Hey! She gave you a compliment.
What, do you got cotton in your ears? Answer her.
Yeah, meathead.
What's with this guy, Pop? And as a mafioso, I'll be doing more voice-overs, which will always begin by naming everyone at the event.
- What does that even mean? - PETER: There we were - at breakfast.
It was me, Chris G.
, Meggs, Lois Griff, Little Stew and Uncle Junior Grandpa Nephew who was my cousin.
It was one of those breakfasts where you realize you put on your boxers the wrong way and you need an excuse to leave the room.
- We're out of syrup.
- I'll get it.
You stay here.
And will you be a stricter dad now? Interesting question.
My value system will vary wildly between incredible immorality and intense social conservatism.
Dad, there's a shipment of heroin in our driveway.
- Excellent.
- I watched a PG-13 movie last night.
In your mother's house? Now, everyone keep eating until you throw up.
What's this? As a leader in the Italian community, I'll be getting very upset about store-bought pasta sauce.
Peter, what the hell? That was our Prego.
Yeah, and prego means "you're welcome.
" It's a very cocky name for an average pasta sauce.
The rest of this is just jokes, but that's kind of a good point.
Now, kids, before you go to school, let's discuss what you tell your friends about me.
That your fingernails are so filthy because you do scratchers all day? Never talk about the family business! Things are too hot here for you now.
You need to go to Italy for five years.
- What?! - You're not safe here anymore, so I'm gonna send you where all the murderers are from.
(GASPS) A questo brajola que facia te di.
Rudy Giuliani.
Antipasti di Miguel Corleone a Sicilia di movies! Mario Batali el gropo Buca di Beppo Ford Coppola.
Ooh! Aah! Mama Mia! Check it out.
Like all cool mobsters, my office is at a strip club.
Yeah, but why's it in a male strip club? Are you kidding? Dingaling's is great.
Now, just watch where you hang your hat.
'Cause of boners.
Now, you three are gonna be my lieutenants.
And don't worry, you're all equal in my eyes.
I don't care one bit if you laugh at my jokes.
I mean, this is the Mafia, not the Laugh Factory, right? - Ha! That's hilarious.
- Quagmire is now my top lieutenant.
What?! You said we don't have to like your jokes.
Well, I didn't realize it was such a chore.
This is bullcrap.
And, Joe, you're a cop, how are you okay with any of this? Are you asking an Irish cop why he's corrupt? Question withdrawn.
So, uh, what do we do now, Peter? Well, now that we're a Mafia crew, I have to do voice-over naming everyone at the event.
- What does that even m - PETER: There we were at the club.
It was me, Glenn Quags, Joey Swan and Downtown Julie Cleveland Brown.
You remember when there were two Julie Browns in the '90s? What a mess.
With the guys at my side, we were the most powerful criminal organization in Quahog We lived like kings, until things started to come apart after the Lufthansa heist.
We discussed laying low, but not everyone agreed with that.
Be careful with this.
We stole it.
Hey, Brian, just a heads-up.
Now that I'm an Italian mob boss, I may be treating dogs more roughly.
Uh, okay.
Now, where's my chicken parm from last night? Oh, I, uh, I ate it.
- You ate it? - Yeah, there was no name on it.
It was just sitting there.
Is there a problem? No.
No.
No problem.
(ENGINE STARTS) (GRUNTING) LOIS: Peter, I'm home from the market! I got steak sandwiches on ciabatta.
Oh, that's way better than chicken parm.
I'm gonna have it with my last can of cream soda.
Uh, actually, I finished that, too.
That's okay, Brian.
Let's take a ride and get some at the grocery store.
Pull over here.
I got to take a leak.
- (GUNSHOTS) - (HORN HONKING) Leave the gun.
Take the cream soda.
What's going on in here? Even since Dad became a mobster, he's been giving me a ton of Italian children's books.
Green Eggs and Pancetta; Horton Hears a Yo; Good Night, Mooks; and Where the Wild Things Is.
- Stewie, this is ridiculous.
- It's not all bad.
I like having those Stella D'oro breakfast cookies.
Oh, I ate those, sorry.
Ah, no problem, Brian, no problem at all.
Hey, what do you say you and I do a little fishing? (GUNSHOT) Peter, I just got a call from the school.
- When is Chris coming back? - Not for a while.
He moved in with his girlfriend.
But, apparently, they hit a rough patch.
(DOOR OPENS) (BOTH LAUGH) Good news, guys.
I'm fixing the Olympics.
I paid a diver to take a dive.
(PHONE RINGS) What do you mean he won? You know, Peter, you've been a mobster for a while now.
I'm surprised we haven't had any run-ins with rival families.
What are you talking about? They love me.
Like, look at this, this morning, totally unprompted, they sent me a lovely wrapped fish.
What? Peter, do you know what this means? Yeah, that they're nice guys.
Yesterday, one of them even drove by my house to say I had a beautiful family and it would be a shame if anything happened to them.
And that's a compliment and empathy.
When's the last time you guys said something like that? - Uh, Peter, I'm not sure you - And look at this.
They found Meg's ear and returned it.
They returned it! You know how many guys would keep something like that? Peter, please close the box.
I think you need to get wise to what's going on here, because their next message may not be so subtle.
(SCREAMING) There it is.
I've been looking for that.
Oh, thank God, the Mafia doesn't hate me.
"You's dead, fat ass.
Love, the Mafia.
" (GASPS) Oh, my God.
The Mafia does hate me.
(GRUNTS) MOBSTER 1: Lenny, what are you doing? I already threw the rock! MOBSTER 2: I wanted to throw the rock.
We talked about this, you wrote the note, - I throw the rock.
- So let me get this straight, I do the homework and you get to throw the rock? - I played baseball in college! - Junior college.
MOBSTER 2: The coach from University of Vermont invited me to walk on! MOBSTER 1: I didn't even know you liked chucking rocks.
MOBSTER 2: Who doesn't like chucking rocks? I didn't get into the mob to write letters.
I did it to chuck rocks and eat sandwiches out of foil.
MOBSTER 1: Hey, that actually sounds pretty good.
- You want to go get a sandwich? - MOBSTER 2: Sure, - from Big Sal's or Fat Sal's? - MOBSTER 1: What's the difference? MOBSTER 2: One's big, one's fat.
What's wrong with you today? God, I can't believe Melania was deported to Slovenia and then hung herself in a European prison.
Man, Peter, what are you gonna do about the mob? Don't worry, I got a plan.
I'm gonna hide and change my identity to a name no one else has ever heard of.
Roberta Brown.
Peter, that's my daughter's name.
No, it's just some girl I follow on Instagram.
You know, Peter, there may be a way out of this.
Cops have been trying to bring down the Rhode Island mob for years.
If you can schedule a meeting to discuss your differences and wear a wire, we'll arrest them after.
Testify against the mob? How dumb do you think I am? (HACKING) - (GASPING) - Oh, my son! I thought that hard-boiled egg seemed a little shouty.
All right, I'll do it.
But, man, if I'm in danger, so is Chris.
I better warn him to be on the lookout.
(CHEERING) La dolce vita de duay que questa di Beverly Hills BMW.
Ay! Que cosa mi amor.
Italiana, tu patri telefona Boyardee.
Grazie.
Uno momento, Vinny Testaverde con Carmine Ragusa.
Ciao, Francesco Di Napoli.
Tammy! Okay, Peter, I'm gonna attach the wire now.
And I'm telling you in advance that it's cold.
Aah! Oh, it's cold! Oh, it's too cold.
- This is why I told you in advance.
- It's too cold.
- I don't want to do this anymore.
- Your body heat will warm it.
- I regret this decision deeply.
- Just let your body heat - do the work.
- Oh, it's fine now.
See? That's the body heat.
Now, if you get into trouble, department regulations say we can't go in there unless you say a code phrase.
Something that you'd never actually say in conversation so we know it's a signal.
The phrase is, "Did you see the new Paul Rudd movie? It's laugh-out-loud funny.
" Come on, can't I just say "watchable"? No, no, you have to say it exactly.
"Heartwarming"? I-I mean, I could just say "heartwarming.
" Peter, the phrase is the phrase.
Now, you ready to meet those godfathers? I guess.
Wonder where the word "godfather" came from, anyway.
I don't know.
I assume it started with God's father.
(PHONE RINGS) - Yello? - Hey, Dad, I wrote a big show, and your grandson Jesus is in it.
He's kind of the star of it, really.
Can you make it? (LAUGHS): Well, look at you.
I'm there, pal.
When is it? When's the big show? - It's Good Friday.
- Oh, don't say Friday.
Ah, I was afraid of that.
Well, there's kind of a postscript to the story.
- Maybe you could catch that? - Oh, you betcha, slugger.
- It's on Sunday.
- Oh, you're kidding! Doesn't anyone do anything on Tuesdays anymore? Listen, I'm getting pulled into this meeting right now, but good luck with your thing.
I promise I'm going to be so nice to my son.
JOE: Okay, Peter, this is it.
Hey, who are you? Just act natural.
And even though you're miked, try not to use your radio voice.
(RICK DEES' VOICE): Hey, Providence.
This is Peter Whirlybird Griffin comin' at you on a sizzlin' Sunday afternoon.
- Peter, no! - Wait a minute.
You're the new don from Quahog.
Follow me.
We're glad that you finally decided to play ball with us.
Let me introduce you to the other dons.
Don Duck.
Don Keykong.
- Don Amnesia.
- Forget about it.
- Don Omatopoeia.
- Bang.
- The Land Don Under.
- You come to me today, on the day of me daughter's barbecue.
Don Imus.
The Rutgers basketball team is Black and disgusting.
That's a wrap for Don Imus.
Finally, the scariest don of them all: - Don De-Don-Don.
- Thank you.
I'd like to introduce you all to my suspenseful son, Don Don-Don! And-and the guy says, "Oh, I thought you were complaining about your angina.
" You never told us a beginning to that joke.
Oh.
Sorry.
JOE: Okay, Peter, the meeting's almost over.
Just don't blow your cover, and we're home free.
Hey, anybody want to do karaoke after this? Sure.
I can use the mic taped to my chest.
Peter, no! Uh, the new Paul Rudd movie is watchable.
I repeat, it's very watchable.
Damn it, Peter! You have to say it exactly.
Fine.
It's laugh-out-loud funny.
Freeze! You're all under arrest.
Good job, Peter.
Freeze! All right, nobody do anything stupid.
H-Hold on, I'm just allowing Linkedln to send automated e-mails to all my contacts.
I said don't do anything stupid.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - "Peter Griffin wants to add you to his professional network.
" Oh! Damn it, Peter! Hands behind your head.
On the ground.
Aw, we're gonna die.
All right.
So long, you two.
(GUNSHOT) Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Prego.
Well, turns out being a mobster isn't for me.
Well, I'm just happy you're home safe.
Me, too, Dad.
Has anyone seen the rest of my white wine? Sorry, Lois.
I drank that.
Oh.
That's fine, Brian.
Hey, what do you say you and me go for a walk in the woods? You know what? This is kind of nice.
I thought you were gonna do some kind of Godfather murder on me.
Oh, Brian, I don't watch Mafia movies.
- But I did see Fargo.
- Huh?