Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e07 Episode Script
Perfection - Thy Name Is Ridley
Hey up, Miss Thrill-A-Minute, where's tha off to all dressed up? None of your business.
Of course it's my business.
WHY is it your business? Because YOU are my responsibility.
How come I'm your responsibility? I promised your husband Wally.
What did you promise my husband? He said, "If things get worse and I can't handle it, will you take care of her if I slip away?" He told you this when he was dying? No, tha'd just got back from Cleethorpes.
Suppose tha gets kidnapped.
Where do I tell the police you were heading? Well, if you must know, I'm going to clean house for Mr Walter Ridley.
Oh, well, if tha's cleaning houses, step this way.
You don't want a cleaner.
You want a bulldozer.
Cheeky! Who's Walter Ridley? You've never heard of Walter Ridley? The Bermondsey Foot Strangler.
Strangulation by the foot.
Kept us all guessing.
I think this is another Walter Ridley.
I shall keep my boots on just in case.
Why does it matter who it is? It matters.
Weren't there some Ridleys in Trafford Street? Or was it Traffords in Ridley Street? A lot of help I'm getting from thee both! POSH VOICE: Wesley.
Can I have a word with you for a moment, please? Wesley.
What is it? NORMAL ACCENT: Get yourself in here and find out "what is it"! I'm busy.
I can see you're busy.
You're busy working on MY car.
What are you doing to it? Checking it out.
You said you were using it.
Taking the ladies to Walter Ridley.
I'm checking it.
Don't move things.
Just leave everything as it is.
I don't go moving things about.
I couldn't find that gear stick twice in a row.
She's running well.
Who's Walter Ridley? Oh, you won't know him.
He's a gentleman.
Does that mean he goes through life without standing on newspapers? Why is it so important all of a sudden who Walter Ridley is? Cos my bird's gone to clean house for him.
Is that a bad sign? Definitely a bad sign.
In some circles it carries the same weight as being formally engaged.
Oh, heck! Or even heckier.
I would say a state of common-law wedlock could be assumed.
Since medieval times, your unmarried female has had three ways to go - church, registry office or clean a bloke's dosser.
It's not completely binding until she cleans his sink.
She does! She goes for people's sinks.
Well, maybe you'll grow to like him.
I hate him.
You don't even know him.
I know I hate him.
It was Ridleys of Trafford Street.
She was a bus conductress.
Called Walter Ridley? I want that to be true.
I want Walter Ridley to be a woman.
I promise I'll turn over a new leaf.
I'll even sweep under my bed.
The conductress was Mrs Ridley.
She was the mother of a large family.
Maybe it included a Walter Ridley.
I don't like Nora going off where I don't know where she is.
Wally asked me to look after her.
No, he didn't.
Whenever he saw her coming, he used to ask you to look after HIM.
Oh, Howard, when you said to meet you at the railway station, you sent me all a-flutter.
I didn't know how much to pack.
Oh, we're not going anywhere, love.
We're not? No, love.
Not anywhere? Not anywhere.
Good job I only packed the larger suitcases.
You said you wanted something to remind you of the two of us.
Oh, Howard, you remembered.
Where is it? It's a surprise.
I only hope it's nothing too expensive.
I thought we'd go in here and have our photograph taken.
The two of us behind the curtain.
Talk about flash, Howard(!) Oh, it's four flashes, love.
All for £2.
50.
After all these years, when I've brought her to a peak of emotional readiness! Women are mysterious creatures.
I'd sneak glances at my Mabel and wonder how anyone could look like that.
She may be cleaning for Walter Ridley, but you're the only one she hits with a brush.
I hope so.
A bloke's got to have some little personal touch.
Just relax.
Drink your tea.
Let the noise of it take your mind off things.
SLURP! Come on! You can't be loitering all day.
I'm closing early.
I've not finished.
Sounded like the finale to me.
Get a refund tomorrow.
What's the rush? I'm off with the ladies to clean at Mr Walter Ridley's.
He's running coach trips.
Who is this bloke? .
.
Who is this Walter Ridley? I'm not surprised none of you lot know him.
He's not daft enough for you.
We could train him.
Mr Walter Ridley is a gentleman.
Why is everybody going to clean for him? If he's a gentleman, how come he needs so much cleaning? He's living on his own since his wife died.
He does his best, but you know what men are like at cleaning.
Hey up.
I've been living on my own since my wife ran off with a chuffing Pole in 1947.
When are tha gonna clean me out? Not till you get rid of them ferrets.
Tha drives a hard bargain, Ivy.
Oh! Oh, no.
Oh.
Out.
But I don't know that I want to go for a bicycle ride.
Every time I turn my back you've gone for a bicycle ride.
On my own.
I like going on my own.
We know how much on your own.
Why do I have to go for a bicycle ride with Mr Walter Ridley? To get him out of the way while we clean his house.
I don't know him.
Mr Walter Ridley's the most sensible gentleman in this catchment area.
Sensible! What kind of person is that to take for a bicycle ride? It'll make a change for you.
I like to go out there and get close to nature.
We know.
This time, leave nature behind and take Mr Walter Ridley.
I'll tell thee what.
I'm pig sick of hearing how good Mr Walter Ridley is.
Clearly a man of saintly nature - though he could be lying, of course.
So full of natural goodness you'd think he was a brown loaf.
I bet he's a dollop.
That's backing the favourite.
Sounds like a dollop.
Speaking of dollops.
That expression! The former Mrs Truelove had one like it.
The world was his oyster till he found a Pearl in it.
Hey up, Howard.
Marina run off with a stranger? I don't know the lady, whoever she is.
Tha looks teed off, Howard.
Got to go for a bicycle ride with Mr Walter Ridley.
Here we go! Walter chuffing Ridley! I didn't know he had a middle name.
He's had several in the past few hours.
Could you assist us with our enquiries? What do you know about the man? You can confide in me.
My lips are sealed by the Official Secrets Act.
Sticky tape would have been better.
Mr Walter Ridley is the nicest, most decent blah-blah-blah.
We know.
Why did tha have to take him for a bicycle ride? To keep him out of the way while the ladies clean his house.
Look on the bright side.
Better than walking, cheaper than a bus.
That's true.
Now, take it easy, Mother.
We don't need to be going fast.
I don't go fast.
When have you seen me go fast? It's just that it seems fast when you're on the grass verge.
It's your father.
I don't know what he's done to this car, but it keeps running on the grass verge.
ENGINE DOESN'T START You see, he's been fiddling again.
TYRES SCREECH, ENGINE BACKFIRES ENGINE DOESN'T START He was fiddling with it this morning.
EDIE TRIES AGAIN I'm sorry, ladies.
It's all right, love.
In a way, it's a relief.
Suppose he doesn't want to come to the pub? What poor, lost soul wouldn't want to call at the pub? Is he completely beyond human aid? You're taking him for a bicycle ride.
Just make sure it ends up at the pub.
It's one thing to catch your Walter Ridley, but what are we gonna do with him when we've got him? I just want to look at him.
I wanna see what man gets his house cleaned when nobody will clean mine.
Especially you.
Couldn't you wipe things down with a ferret? Tha wait till the Antiques Roadshow comes.
Tha may be in for a surprise.
Those trousers should baffle the experts.
Are you sure that your wife did leave you in 1947? Maybe she's still living behind all that junk somewhere.
Well, I hope she's happy, cos I'm not shifting that lot.
I told you not to fiddle with it.
You asked me to look at it.
I didn't ask you to make a bog of it.
She was running really sweet.
Till you got there.
Here's Barry now.
What is it? What's wrong? We need to borrow the car.
My car? OUR car, Barry.
Who's going to drive? Mother will drive.
Your mother? I'll sit in the front with her.
We'll be all right.
Thanks for the car, Barry.
It's very kind of you.
You're a gentleman.
You're welcome.
Ye gods! Look at this lot.
Is half of this really necessary? You'll be all right, Mother.
It's basically the same as yours.
Don't lie to me, girl.
I'm still your mother.
She knows I love her, probably even more than the car.
I don't see why she has to test me.
I can't understand it.
She was running sweet as a bird.
Are they going far? Just to clean house for Mr Walter Ridley.
How far is that? Oh, way out of town.
Oh! TYRES SCREECH, GEAR CRUNCHES I thought you'd enjoy a ride with me as far as Mr Walter Ridley's.
When we get there, I'll have to come back.
Pearl will be there when we arrive.
You've got women all over the place.
But I'm married to Pearl.
And I'm just your plaything, or I would be if we ever got the time.
You could go to the pub.
On my own? What kind of a girl do you think I am? You won't be on your own.
There'll be Clegg and Compo and Truly.
I'll come with Mr Walter Ridley.
Ye gods.
It never rains but it pours.
Don't give up hope, Barry.
I can still hear that little wounded creature screaming as its gears were changed.
It sounds worse than it actually is.
She always drives like that and she always gets home.
There's a kind of providence, lad, looks after drivers as bad as Edie.
What's up with Barry? Edie's driving his car! Sorry about that, Barry.
It could be worse, Barry.
How could it be worse? Tha could be a passenger.
The solution is, Wesley, once you get Edie's car going, to take it up to Mr Walter Ridley's.
You drop us off at the pub on the way.
You leave Edie with her car and you drive Barry's car back to Barry.
You gotta do it! You heard the poor thing shrieking! Steady! It may not be too easy to get Edie's car running again.
Hey, up! .
.
What's this bit here? Excuse me, Barry.
I hate it when amateurs start interfering.
I know how he feels.
I still remember my honeymoon.
I had to give mine up to go on an identity parade.
.
.
Nobody tells you about these alternatives! In the course of which I was wrongly fingered as the Lewisham Lecher.
We wore the same kind of hat, but nowhere near in the same place.
Will you stop poking about with what you don't understand?! I had a motor bike and that bit shouldn't be here.
This isn't a bike! .
.
They're always the same, they always know it all! Here.
ENGINE STARTS You know I'm going to have to leave the area now, don't you? I'll never live it down! Well, there it is, love.
Mr Walter Ridley's place.
I'll have to leave you now, love.
Pearl will be down there.
I hate saying goodbye.
It's not goodbye.
I'll see you at the pub.
You won't be long? Mr Walter Ridley will pedal faster than he's ever pedalled in his life.
Remember, Howard, I shall be in the pub surrounded by other men.
Or even faster! Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Do you think she recognised me? I was more or less hidden behind you.
I could have been almost anybody.
WESLEY: He will! He'll go about boasting about it everywhere! Only to a few selected friends.
He wants to keep his mouth shut! If ever tha's stuck again, Wesley, any little mechanical problem, just give us a shout.
I knew it! TRULY: People won't believe him.
He's been tinkering with Nora Batty for years and getting nowhere.
Tha can't get the parts! What a gentleman! And not an oil stain in sight.
Did you see the way he raised his cap? He's from another planet! I know somebody who'll think he's from another planet when I get him home.
You were very restrained.
You can't have a real bust-up in public.
Well, only in emergencies.
Was there some trouble? Never you mind.
Oh, Mother! You needn't worry.
He's in good hands with Mr Walter Ridley.
He'll come to no harm with Mr Walter Ridley.
Cheer up, Wesley.
Look on the bright side.
With his reputation, they'll think he's lying anyway.
It's such a humiliation.
He needs something to take his mind off it.
.
.
He can buy the next round.
It's not that much of a humiliation! How come everybody's tight round here but me? You're always broke, so the effect's just the same.
Nobody sensible throws money about! Throw it about? They don't even pass it around here.
Is that Auntie Wainwright? Who's pushing the wardrobe? Maybe it's self-propelled.
A great boon for the dressy traveller.
Promise me you'll shoot me if you see me reaching for a wallet.
Done.
Especially if it's mine.
Me mam would be so proud! Keeping company with people with wallets! Right! We'll turn in here.
How did you get over there? Where have you gone?! Oh! Before I offer it on the open market, would any of you gentlemen? ALL: NO! You have to admire people who know their own minds.
Makes them a damned nuisance as customers, but still What are you doing with a wardrobe? Don't show any interest! She'll get you! You don't expect furniture here.
You see what a service I run? How come Eli's pushing it? He was passing the shop, I asked him for a hand.
Course, it came as a surprise when he realised it was out here.
Over here, Eli! Good job you bought a mattress as well! Life's so unfair.
I keep seeing people who remind me of the former Mrs Truelove.
Marina? Not her.
The one with the glasses.
I was lucky there.
You certainly were! I'm only charging you £5 for that scratch! Norman Clegg, that was.
Uhuh He remembers what we once shared together.
I'm trapped between blushing and buying a wardrobe! Don't be shy, Norm! Who's shy? Now, that's shy.
Oh, look! What a coincidence! A public house! I expect you could murder a drink.
I don't drink.
I expect you could murder something non-alcoholic! I don't GO into public houses.
Oh, dear! I expect you could murder waiting out here while I nip inside to have a word with some friends.
Is that him? Is that Mr Walter Ridley? That's him.
He looks like any other human being.
I thought he'd have a halo this big.
Bring him in.
Let's have a closer look at this fount of all virtues.
He won't come in.
He doesn't drink.
What kind of a reckless way of living is that? He doesn't visit public houses.
Is tha sure it's his wife that's dead and not him? Listen, I shouldn't be asking - it's really none of my business - it's just a wild guess, but have you seen a young lady? She's in the wardrobe.
In the wardrobe?! Ask him where Cleggy is.
Where is Clegg? Funny you should ask - he's in the wardrobe.
In the SAME wardrobe?! Has the all clear gone? We were just chatting over old times, Howard.
Norman Clegg and I were once trapped in a lift.
A lift's one thing! But a wardrobe! Nobody but the exceptionally careless gets trapped in a wardrobe.
You wouldn't believe it, would you? There's nobody in an English pub with spirit enough to buy a wardrobe.
You can't tell me the beer's as good as it used to be! Norman.
Are you in there, Norman? You'll be all right, Norman.
Mabel used to lock me in the wardrobe sometimes.
The secret is to relax.
Never let 'em see you hate wardrobes.
Tha keeps a clean bike.
I like a clean bicycle.
Tha don't drink.
No.
Tha don't go into pubs.
No! Tha just stays at home and cleans tha bike.
Ah-ha.
I want to borrow Marina for a minute.
What for? Don't interrupt, Howard.
I want to check if there's any life left in Mr Walter Ridley.
Check with somebody else! She's had a nasty experience in a wardrobe! I wouldn't say nasty.
It's time they were home.
I hope they've not had an accident! Mr Walter Ridley's too careful to have accidents! He's with somebody who might have an accident.
I expect my idiot's had an accident.
I feel guilty.
It was us who persuaded him to go on the bike.
I'm sure he'll be all right, Mother.
SPANISH-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS Howard! What's that woman doing here? She's with him - Mr Walter Ridley.
Tha wants to steer clear of tearaways like that.
Remember I'm always available - sober, reliable, responsible.
You never said he was Spanish.
He didn't used to be Spanish! Well, I think his legs are Spanish.
I wonder if he's got a current visa for legs like that.
MUSIC ENDS Can I have this dance? Oh, keep away! and Mary Easton BBC - 1998
Of course it's my business.
WHY is it your business? Because YOU are my responsibility.
How come I'm your responsibility? I promised your husband Wally.
What did you promise my husband? He said, "If things get worse and I can't handle it, will you take care of her if I slip away?" He told you this when he was dying? No, tha'd just got back from Cleethorpes.
Suppose tha gets kidnapped.
Where do I tell the police you were heading? Well, if you must know, I'm going to clean house for Mr Walter Ridley.
Oh, well, if tha's cleaning houses, step this way.
You don't want a cleaner.
You want a bulldozer.
Cheeky! Who's Walter Ridley? You've never heard of Walter Ridley? The Bermondsey Foot Strangler.
Strangulation by the foot.
Kept us all guessing.
I think this is another Walter Ridley.
I shall keep my boots on just in case.
Why does it matter who it is? It matters.
Weren't there some Ridleys in Trafford Street? Or was it Traffords in Ridley Street? A lot of help I'm getting from thee both! POSH VOICE: Wesley.
Can I have a word with you for a moment, please? Wesley.
What is it? NORMAL ACCENT: Get yourself in here and find out "what is it"! I'm busy.
I can see you're busy.
You're busy working on MY car.
What are you doing to it? Checking it out.
You said you were using it.
Taking the ladies to Walter Ridley.
I'm checking it.
Don't move things.
Just leave everything as it is.
I don't go moving things about.
I couldn't find that gear stick twice in a row.
She's running well.
Who's Walter Ridley? Oh, you won't know him.
He's a gentleman.
Does that mean he goes through life without standing on newspapers? Why is it so important all of a sudden who Walter Ridley is? Cos my bird's gone to clean house for him.
Is that a bad sign? Definitely a bad sign.
In some circles it carries the same weight as being formally engaged.
Oh, heck! Or even heckier.
I would say a state of common-law wedlock could be assumed.
Since medieval times, your unmarried female has had three ways to go - church, registry office or clean a bloke's dosser.
It's not completely binding until she cleans his sink.
She does! She goes for people's sinks.
Well, maybe you'll grow to like him.
I hate him.
You don't even know him.
I know I hate him.
It was Ridleys of Trafford Street.
She was a bus conductress.
Called Walter Ridley? I want that to be true.
I want Walter Ridley to be a woman.
I promise I'll turn over a new leaf.
I'll even sweep under my bed.
The conductress was Mrs Ridley.
She was the mother of a large family.
Maybe it included a Walter Ridley.
I don't like Nora going off where I don't know where she is.
Wally asked me to look after her.
No, he didn't.
Whenever he saw her coming, he used to ask you to look after HIM.
Oh, Howard, when you said to meet you at the railway station, you sent me all a-flutter.
I didn't know how much to pack.
Oh, we're not going anywhere, love.
We're not? No, love.
Not anywhere? Not anywhere.
Good job I only packed the larger suitcases.
You said you wanted something to remind you of the two of us.
Oh, Howard, you remembered.
Where is it? It's a surprise.
I only hope it's nothing too expensive.
I thought we'd go in here and have our photograph taken.
The two of us behind the curtain.
Talk about flash, Howard(!) Oh, it's four flashes, love.
All for £2.
50.
After all these years, when I've brought her to a peak of emotional readiness! Women are mysterious creatures.
I'd sneak glances at my Mabel and wonder how anyone could look like that.
She may be cleaning for Walter Ridley, but you're the only one she hits with a brush.
I hope so.
A bloke's got to have some little personal touch.
Just relax.
Drink your tea.
Let the noise of it take your mind off things.
SLURP! Come on! You can't be loitering all day.
I'm closing early.
I've not finished.
Sounded like the finale to me.
Get a refund tomorrow.
What's the rush? I'm off with the ladies to clean at Mr Walter Ridley's.
He's running coach trips.
Who is this bloke? .
.
Who is this Walter Ridley? I'm not surprised none of you lot know him.
He's not daft enough for you.
We could train him.
Mr Walter Ridley is a gentleman.
Why is everybody going to clean for him? If he's a gentleman, how come he needs so much cleaning? He's living on his own since his wife died.
He does his best, but you know what men are like at cleaning.
Hey up.
I've been living on my own since my wife ran off with a chuffing Pole in 1947.
When are tha gonna clean me out? Not till you get rid of them ferrets.
Tha drives a hard bargain, Ivy.
Oh! Oh, no.
Oh.
Out.
But I don't know that I want to go for a bicycle ride.
Every time I turn my back you've gone for a bicycle ride.
On my own.
I like going on my own.
We know how much on your own.
Why do I have to go for a bicycle ride with Mr Walter Ridley? To get him out of the way while we clean his house.
I don't know him.
Mr Walter Ridley's the most sensible gentleman in this catchment area.
Sensible! What kind of person is that to take for a bicycle ride? It'll make a change for you.
I like to go out there and get close to nature.
We know.
This time, leave nature behind and take Mr Walter Ridley.
I'll tell thee what.
I'm pig sick of hearing how good Mr Walter Ridley is.
Clearly a man of saintly nature - though he could be lying, of course.
So full of natural goodness you'd think he was a brown loaf.
I bet he's a dollop.
That's backing the favourite.
Sounds like a dollop.
Speaking of dollops.
That expression! The former Mrs Truelove had one like it.
The world was his oyster till he found a Pearl in it.
Hey up, Howard.
Marina run off with a stranger? I don't know the lady, whoever she is.
Tha looks teed off, Howard.
Got to go for a bicycle ride with Mr Walter Ridley.
Here we go! Walter chuffing Ridley! I didn't know he had a middle name.
He's had several in the past few hours.
Could you assist us with our enquiries? What do you know about the man? You can confide in me.
My lips are sealed by the Official Secrets Act.
Sticky tape would have been better.
Mr Walter Ridley is the nicest, most decent blah-blah-blah.
We know.
Why did tha have to take him for a bicycle ride? To keep him out of the way while the ladies clean his house.
Look on the bright side.
Better than walking, cheaper than a bus.
That's true.
Now, take it easy, Mother.
We don't need to be going fast.
I don't go fast.
When have you seen me go fast? It's just that it seems fast when you're on the grass verge.
It's your father.
I don't know what he's done to this car, but it keeps running on the grass verge.
ENGINE DOESN'T START You see, he's been fiddling again.
TYRES SCREECH, ENGINE BACKFIRES ENGINE DOESN'T START He was fiddling with it this morning.
EDIE TRIES AGAIN I'm sorry, ladies.
It's all right, love.
In a way, it's a relief.
Suppose he doesn't want to come to the pub? What poor, lost soul wouldn't want to call at the pub? Is he completely beyond human aid? You're taking him for a bicycle ride.
Just make sure it ends up at the pub.
It's one thing to catch your Walter Ridley, but what are we gonna do with him when we've got him? I just want to look at him.
I wanna see what man gets his house cleaned when nobody will clean mine.
Especially you.
Couldn't you wipe things down with a ferret? Tha wait till the Antiques Roadshow comes.
Tha may be in for a surprise.
Those trousers should baffle the experts.
Are you sure that your wife did leave you in 1947? Maybe she's still living behind all that junk somewhere.
Well, I hope she's happy, cos I'm not shifting that lot.
I told you not to fiddle with it.
You asked me to look at it.
I didn't ask you to make a bog of it.
She was running really sweet.
Till you got there.
Here's Barry now.
What is it? What's wrong? We need to borrow the car.
My car? OUR car, Barry.
Who's going to drive? Mother will drive.
Your mother? I'll sit in the front with her.
We'll be all right.
Thanks for the car, Barry.
It's very kind of you.
You're a gentleman.
You're welcome.
Ye gods! Look at this lot.
Is half of this really necessary? You'll be all right, Mother.
It's basically the same as yours.
Don't lie to me, girl.
I'm still your mother.
She knows I love her, probably even more than the car.
I don't see why she has to test me.
I can't understand it.
She was running sweet as a bird.
Are they going far? Just to clean house for Mr Walter Ridley.
How far is that? Oh, way out of town.
Oh! TYRES SCREECH, GEAR CRUNCHES I thought you'd enjoy a ride with me as far as Mr Walter Ridley's.
When we get there, I'll have to come back.
Pearl will be there when we arrive.
You've got women all over the place.
But I'm married to Pearl.
And I'm just your plaything, or I would be if we ever got the time.
You could go to the pub.
On my own? What kind of a girl do you think I am? You won't be on your own.
There'll be Clegg and Compo and Truly.
I'll come with Mr Walter Ridley.
Ye gods.
It never rains but it pours.
Don't give up hope, Barry.
I can still hear that little wounded creature screaming as its gears were changed.
It sounds worse than it actually is.
She always drives like that and she always gets home.
There's a kind of providence, lad, looks after drivers as bad as Edie.
What's up with Barry? Edie's driving his car! Sorry about that, Barry.
It could be worse, Barry.
How could it be worse? Tha could be a passenger.
The solution is, Wesley, once you get Edie's car going, to take it up to Mr Walter Ridley's.
You drop us off at the pub on the way.
You leave Edie with her car and you drive Barry's car back to Barry.
You gotta do it! You heard the poor thing shrieking! Steady! It may not be too easy to get Edie's car running again.
Hey, up! .
.
What's this bit here? Excuse me, Barry.
I hate it when amateurs start interfering.
I know how he feels.
I still remember my honeymoon.
I had to give mine up to go on an identity parade.
.
.
Nobody tells you about these alternatives! In the course of which I was wrongly fingered as the Lewisham Lecher.
We wore the same kind of hat, but nowhere near in the same place.
Will you stop poking about with what you don't understand?! I had a motor bike and that bit shouldn't be here.
This isn't a bike! .
.
They're always the same, they always know it all! Here.
ENGINE STARTS You know I'm going to have to leave the area now, don't you? I'll never live it down! Well, there it is, love.
Mr Walter Ridley's place.
I'll have to leave you now, love.
Pearl will be down there.
I hate saying goodbye.
It's not goodbye.
I'll see you at the pub.
You won't be long? Mr Walter Ridley will pedal faster than he's ever pedalled in his life.
Remember, Howard, I shall be in the pub surrounded by other men.
Or even faster! Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! Do you think she recognised me? I was more or less hidden behind you.
I could have been almost anybody.
WESLEY: He will! He'll go about boasting about it everywhere! Only to a few selected friends.
He wants to keep his mouth shut! If ever tha's stuck again, Wesley, any little mechanical problem, just give us a shout.
I knew it! TRULY: People won't believe him.
He's been tinkering with Nora Batty for years and getting nowhere.
Tha can't get the parts! What a gentleman! And not an oil stain in sight.
Did you see the way he raised his cap? He's from another planet! I know somebody who'll think he's from another planet when I get him home.
You were very restrained.
You can't have a real bust-up in public.
Well, only in emergencies.
Was there some trouble? Never you mind.
Oh, Mother! You needn't worry.
He's in good hands with Mr Walter Ridley.
He'll come to no harm with Mr Walter Ridley.
Cheer up, Wesley.
Look on the bright side.
With his reputation, they'll think he's lying anyway.
It's such a humiliation.
He needs something to take his mind off it.
.
.
He can buy the next round.
It's not that much of a humiliation! How come everybody's tight round here but me? You're always broke, so the effect's just the same.
Nobody sensible throws money about! Throw it about? They don't even pass it around here.
Is that Auntie Wainwright? Who's pushing the wardrobe? Maybe it's self-propelled.
A great boon for the dressy traveller.
Promise me you'll shoot me if you see me reaching for a wallet.
Done.
Especially if it's mine.
Me mam would be so proud! Keeping company with people with wallets! Right! We'll turn in here.
How did you get over there? Where have you gone?! Oh! Before I offer it on the open market, would any of you gentlemen? ALL: NO! You have to admire people who know their own minds.
Makes them a damned nuisance as customers, but still What are you doing with a wardrobe? Don't show any interest! She'll get you! You don't expect furniture here.
You see what a service I run? How come Eli's pushing it? He was passing the shop, I asked him for a hand.
Course, it came as a surprise when he realised it was out here.
Over here, Eli! Good job you bought a mattress as well! Life's so unfair.
I keep seeing people who remind me of the former Mrs Truelove.
Marina? Not her.
The one with the glasses.
I was lucky there.
You certainly were! I'm only charging you £5 for that scratch! Norman Clegg, that was.
Uhuh He remembers what we once shared together.
I'm trapped between blushing and buying a wardrobe! Don't be shy, Norm! Who's shy? Now, that's shy.
Oh, look! What a coincidence! A public house! I expect you could murder a drink.
I don't drink.
I expect you could murder something non-alcoholic! I don't GO into public houses.
Oh, dear! I expect you could murder waiting out here while I nip inside to have a word with some friends.
Is that him? Is that Mr Walter Ridley? That's him.
He looks like any other human being.
I thought he'd have a halo this big.
Bring him in.
Let's have a closer look at this fount of all virtues.
He won't come in.
He doesn't drink.
What kind of a reckless way of living is that? He doesn't visit public houses.
Is tha sure it's his wife that's dead and not him? Listen, I shouldn't be asking - it's really none of my business - it's just a wild guess, but have you seen a young lady? She's in the wardrobe.
In the wardrobe?! Ask him where Cleggy is.
Where is Clegg? Funny you should ask - he's in the wardrobe.
In the SAME wardrobe?! Has the all clear gone? We were just chatting over old times, Howard.
Norman Clegg and I were once trapped in a lift.
A lift's one thing! But a wardrobe! Nobody but the exceptionally careless gets trapped in a wardrobe.
You wouldn't believe it, would you? There's nobody in an English pub with spirit enough to buy a wardrobe.
You can't tell me the beer's as good as it used to be! Norman.
Are you in there, Norman? You'll be all right, Norman.
Mabel used to lock me in the wardrobe sometimes.
The secret is to relax.
Never let 'em see you hate wardrobes.
Tha keeps a clean bike.
I like a clean bicycle.
Tha don't drink.
No.
Tha don't go into pubs.
No! Tha just stays at home and cleans tha bike.
Ah-ha.
I want to borrow Marina for a minute.
What for? Don't interrupt, Howard.
I want to check if there's any life left in Mr Walter Ridley.
Check with somebody else! She's had a nasty experience in a wardrobe! I wouldn't say nasty.
It's time they were home.
I hope they've not had an accident! Mr Walter Ridley's too careful to have accidents! He's with somebody who might have an accident.
I expect my idiot's had an accident.
I feel guilty.
It was us who persuaded him to go on the bike.
I'm sure he'll be all right, Mother.
SPANISH-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS Howard! What's that woman doing here? She's with him - Mr Walter Ridley.
Tha wants to steer clear of tearaways like that.
Remember I'm always available - sober, reliable, responsible.
You never said he was Spanish.
He didn't used to be Spanish! Well, I think his legs are Spanish.
I wonder if he's got a current visa for legs like that.
MUSIC ENDS Can I have this dance? Oh, keep away! and Mary Easton BBC - 1998