Family Guy s19e08 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy.
ESPN now returns to our 30 for 30 documentary on the Houston Astros cheating scandal.
We knew the Astros were stealing signals.
Someone was back there banging on a trash can.
We just couldn't figure out who.
Several players were interviewed by the league, but none would reveal the mastermind of this garbage can scheme.
Hey, everyone.
I have some news.
I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog.
Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.
Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show? Peter's mad 'cause he always gets Barney Rubble.
If I were mad, would I laugh like this? I don't think so.
Congratulations, Brian.
Yeah, we're all very happy for you.
Thanks.
I'm really excited.
And I totally nailed the interview.
So, Brian, I got a great recommendation from your last employer.
Yes, I worked for Mr.
Skin at five dollars a pun.
You know, I came up with Halle's Berries, Elle Fanny, Abigail Breastlin.
You're really good at sexualizing children.
- I-Is that a problem? - No, no, no.
That's a big part of online journalism.
Now, let's have a look at your sample material.
Well, I've got a listicle of alcohol brands that are also guys' names.
Whoa! Talk about bursting out of the gates.
Cardi B tweeted something and I retweeted it with "This, this, this, this, this.
" Wow.
That is some top-shelf journalism.
And here's some pictures of cute animals that wives can shove in their husbands' faces to keep them from ever going to sleep.
Brian, stop.
I can only hire you so many times.
Welcome to The Hog.
I'll ask my roommate to move his car so you can pull out.
Cup of joe and a greasy roll, please.
Okay, whatever this is, I already hate it.
Sorry, I'm up against a deadline on a big story.
Major ramifications.
Lid, prepare to be blown off.
"Best butts to sniff at the park.
" I, um, I don't I-I don't think this is an article for human readers.
Now hold on there, Stewie, just hear the man out.
Thank you, Chris.
I also posted a couple of articles last night.
Real think pieces.
"Star Wars movies ranked best to worst except for the two I haven't seen.
" Well, that seems lazy.
And which two didn't you see? Uh, the original Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back.
I'd still rather read that than "9/11s since 2000 "ranked best to worst.
Number one may surprise you.
" September 11, 2014? We lost Richard Kiel, the actor who portrayed Jaws in the James Bond films.
All right, let's see what's on demand.
Thank you for watching Cox Cable On Demand.
We have a lot of great movies, like Guy Ritchie's Snatch on Cox.
All right And we've got other great features.
If you want to see Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft and the 2008 indie hit Choke, you need Cox.
Okay, I I guess they're all movies.
And if you're looking for comedy, check out performers Lewis Black, Andy Dick, - and Ed Lover - Peter, turn off the TV.
All right.
Guess who just wrote ten facts you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
Is one that he's Jewish? Guess who just wrote nine facts you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
He likes classic cars? Guess who just wrote eight facts you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
You probably said he was Jewish a second time.
All right, new article, "One Fact You Didn't Know About Michael Richards.
" You can't use that word in an article.
And I will find a new show to write about.
Hey, I'm working on a story about fat guys belly-flopping onto cement.
Will you put on these roller skates and go clean the gutters? I'm not doing that.
It might get retweeted by Joe Rogan.
Ooh.
I'll do anything Joe Rogan says.
I think he's the best dumb guy king we've ever had.
When this story breaks, it's gonna be big.
Like when Horton heard The Who.
All right That's not singing, - it's just screaming.
- Yeah! Okay, I have to write an article on the life of the town's hero and brewery founder, Pawtucket Pat.
Now, where's the normal, well-adjusted person who works in a small-town archive? Yes? I, uh I'm-I'm looking for some old manuscripts.
Excellent.
Bats, take me to him.
Okay, this is everything they have on Pat.
God, I bet no one's even read most of this stuff before.
Huh, what's this? Some kind of leather-bound book sealed with wax.
Wow.
I think it's his diary.
See? Men can too have diaries.
Yeah, his cover doesn't have sparkles, champ.
First page.
"Dad, don't read this.
" Second page.
"Seriously, Dad, don't read this.
" Third page.
"Dad, what are you doing? Don't read this.
" Fourth page.
"I kissed my sister.
" Okay, let's flip ahead.
Oh, my God.
- What? - He says that he didn't create his recipe for beer.
He stole it from some Native Americans and killed them to keep his secret, and then he kissed his sister again.
What? That's insane.
Pawtucket Pat is the most revered person in Quahog.
Not anymore.
This is a big story.
Can you believe it? It's like we're Woodward and Berenstain.
Follow the honey.
What the hell? Hey, hey.
What are you guys doing? Why are you so upset about Pat? Pawtucket Pat was a phony! I remember you.
But no, he isn't.
He's a hero.
Not anymore.
He's a racist murderer and this statue should be torn down.
God, there's a lot wrong with this, but you can't tear this down.
Pat's an icon.
That statue belongs right here in the park, next to the statue of Quahog's greatest missionary, Father Touchboys.
That statue was removed a year ago.
For what?! Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: the revelations about local hero Pawtucket Pat continue to rock Quahog.
The town is divided over whether his statue should remain in the park.
Even the pigeons who poop on it are in a moral quandary.
So, what do you two think of the statue being on public land? - Coo.
- Not coo.
My friend is the mailman.
I'm gonna give him a heart attack.
Good job, Brian.
Your work has actually made an impact.
Thanks, Stewie.
I think everybody's gonna be happy about this.
Where do you get off?! In my bedroom, mostly.
Sometimes the bathroom.
Or wherever I see a lady seal an envelope.
Good, good.
I am glad we can talk frankly about sex.
And Brian, how dare you try to take down the statue of Pawtucket Pat? Oh, my God.
You don't actually support keeping it there, do you? Of course I do.
It's been there my whole life.
And I am gonna do whatever it takes to keep it up.
Finally, Peter cares about keeping something up.
Lois, will you stifle yourself? Yesterday, Meg sat there without pants.
Yuck.
Brian, Pat is a hero.
H-He practically built Quahog.
And his statue is part of the town.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some draft-dodging liberals tear it down.
- We don't have a draft.
- Well, then, who shaved my head and yelled at me for two months? Peter, we've been over this.
That was the Heaven's Gate cult.
Oh, right, that-that thing with the shoes.
Yeah, o-once I got the shoes, I split.
The statue has got to go.
Brian, for years, it's been a tradition that every boy, when he turns 16, has to kiss the statue's crotch while his friends take pictures.
That's not a tradition.
Ah, then I think some fun was had at my expense.
Peter, we can't leave a symbol like that in the town square.
Pawtucket Pat was a horrible racist.
Well, so is Tucker Carlson, but we still say hi to him at the company picnic.
Brian, if you apply the values of today to people who lived almost 300 year ago, uh, doesn't that mean we'd have to take down the statues of pretty much everyone? I-I mean, where do you draw the line? Wait a minute, y-you don't agree with Peter, do you? I don't know.
I-I'm uncomfortable with a racist statue being smack in the middle of Quahog, but as a woman, I need landmarks to find my way around town.
I mean, without that statue, I'm completely disoriented.
Okay, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the kitchen.
Damn it, who moved the lamp? Well, what does the rest of the family think? Chris? - Ha! You got sunflowered.
- What? When a Gen Z kid wants out of a conversation, he leaves a large sunflower in his place.
That's ridiculous.
There is no way that children regularly disappear and then replace themselves with sunflowers just to express their boredom.
Ha.
You got sunflowered again.
Why are you back? We only have one sunflower.
Okay, I-I clearly don't understand your generation, but Meg, you're currently taking world history.
What do you think should happen to the statue? I don't care.
I'm an agent of chaos.
Ow! Well, screw you guys.
Pawtucket Pat is a hero.
That statue ain't going nowhere.
It's a part of history.
Just like Catherine the Great.
My great people of Russia.
As your empress, my legacy shall be expanding Russia's borders, growing her armies, building palaces that will be admired for centuries We heard you had sex with a horse! I have created alliances with the great powers of Europe What about the horse sex? There is no horse sex! Is this guy bothering you, Cathy? I can handle this.
Hey guys, I got you all "Keep Up the Statue" hats, or "KUTS.
" Kuts? Isn't that the lady's hairdresser down the street? Why don't you tell me? Peter, I'm not wearing a Kuts hat.
Come on, if I refer three friends, I get a free blowout.
Tell them Mary Sparkles sent you.
But never call me that in front of my family.
Where was this place, again? Peter, anybody who supports that statue is a racist.
Racist? How can a 300-pound white guy who looks at black porn be racist? Here, Peter.
You were sent a beer by that table of businessmen.
- Which table? - No, no.
No, no.
Don't look.
Make them come to you.
You guys haven't read my book, have you? - Peter, they're leaving.
- They'll come.
They're getting in their vehicle.
They're pulling into the street without looking.
Oh, no, they've been hit by a bus! They'll come.
I followed the rules.
Peter, they can't come.
They're dead.
That was the day I lost my sparkle.
I was just Mary after that.
Excuse me, would you sign this petition demanding that the city take down the Take down the what? - Uh, nothing.
- Good.
Hey, could you do me a favor and elbow-wipe 74 years of pigeon (BLEEP) off my shoulders? Uh, okay.
Who are you, anyway? I'm Rhode Island founder Roger Williams, otherwise known as the end of the worst field trip in elementary school history.
It's true.
The kids are very disappointed.
Oh, yeah, "And Wife" is totally getting' them jazzed.
Move, Brian, you're in my spot.
You're Mrs.
Groceries? She touched the manager over the pants.
Love her or hate her, she plays to win.
- Anyway, how's it going? - Not good.
I'm not getting any signatures on this petition.
Really? It looks like you've got quite a few.
Oh, mostly they just say, "Brian is gay.
" Yeah, I have to be careful.
If 200 people write it, - it goes on the ballot.
- Well, at least you're trying.
I mean, what is Peter doing to drum up support for his side? Ladies and gentlemen, to support Pawtucket Pat, please welcome Kid Rock.
Hello, Quahog.
Whenever there's a town debate with racial overtones, I'm there on the wrong side.
Aw, crap, everybody run.
It's Adult Rock.
Kid, you want to tell me why I found your mother's best T-shirt-cutting scissors outside in the rain? I don't know.
Why can't you be more like your brother, The? Rupert, I was going over our credit card statement.
There's a charge for two tickets to Tootsie the musical, yet I don't remember going to see Tootsie the musical.
Now, I'm hoping the good news is I'm ruining the surprise.
God, I can't believe Peter is actually winning public support for that damn statue.
And he's throwing rocks through my window, and it's his house.
Ugh, that rock was too heavy.
Got to find something lighter.
Okay, so something in between.
That statue is such a disgrace.
I'll tell you, part of me wants to march down to that park and remove it myself.
Well, why don't you? It'd be a noble act.
Think of it as civil disobedience.
Disobedience? But I'm a good boy.
I obey.
I always obey.
I'm a good boy who obeys.
Okay, d-don't think of it as disobedience, Forget I used that word.
You're a weird guy, Bri.
A weird doggy guy.
Ha! Found some medium rocks.
You know what? That's a great idea.
Like not separating immigrant children from their families.
If you're the first one to stop applauding, that means you're racist.
Thanks for helping me, Stewie.
All right, let's tie the rope around the statue and tow it out of here.
All right, great.
But before we begin, I'm just going to use the park bathroom - at night.
- Stewie, no.
I got a lollipop! That's great, bud.
Now let's stop talking about that lollipop and get to work.
Okay, we're almost ready to do this.
Did you bring the masks? - Right here.
- What the hell is this? You said to bring masks.
These are from last year's charity ball at the Guggenheim.
Whatever.
Just help me tie this rope to the car.
Sorry, I need a free hand to hold up my mask.
Enough with the damn masks! All right, let's get this statue out of here.
I guess you only paid for driver's side airbags.
Yeah.
When I bought this, I was dating a girl I didn't like.
Wow, look at this.
The statue's disappearance is being covered everywhere.
I can't believe we really did it.
- I just hope we don't get caught.
- So what? Mom would just ground us and take away screen time, and then realize that without screens, she has to entertain us and immediately give it back.
Stewie, destroying a statue is a felony.
If we're caught, we'll go to prison.
Prison?! I can't go to prison.
Peter watched all six seasons of Oz with me in a BabybjÃrn.
I'm too young to have someone go poo on my face.
Well, there's really no good age for it to happen.
All right, Stewie, just relax.
And don't do that weird, nervous laugh you do - when you're hiding something.
- Got it.
- Morning, everybody.
- Where have you guys been? No-Nowhere, of course! Will you calm down? So, uh, where's Peter? Uh, he went to some rally 'cause the statue's gone.
He's angrier than Al Pacino's forehead liver spots.
Comb your hair down instead of up.
Give us some shade.
We're dying up here.
Yeah, what do you call that haircut? You're nearly 80 years old.
You look like the kid from Jerry Maguire.
What are you going for with all of these spots? I want to look like mashed potatoes, with the skins on.
This is awesome.
What a turnout.
And look, here comes Fox News.
It's amazing how recently that show aired.
That statue was a travesty and so is the brewery.
They should close it and make juice instead.
What? How dare you? Juice will not replace us.
Juice will not replace us! Juice will not replace us! My God, Peter, what are you doing? Taking up politics to avoid intimacy with my wife.
Peter, is that you? I thought we could protest together.
All right, no more politics.
Time for trains in the basement.
- Stop! - Collaborate and listen.
We are from the Narragansett tribe, from whom Pawtucket Pat stole his recipe.
And we are annoyed that no one has asked us what we think.
You guys kind of dress like weekend Jay Leno.
Thank you.
We've just come from the Wang-Holder wedding.
See? Little more of that, John Oliver, and maybe you'll finally get that 14th Emmy.
Well, what do you guys think? This statue is only the tip of the iceberg.
The pressing issue isn't what someone did 300 years ago, it's how do we help Native Americans today and end the institutional racism that still plagues society? The poverty rate on reservations Oh, damn, you got sunflowered.
Everyone, come back.
Uh, come back.
He makes a good point.
We've all been so focused on what the statue means to us we didn't even stop to consider how Pawtucket Pat affected others.
But Pat's the town hero.
If he's nothing, then so is Quahog.
No, it's not.
Quahog is still a wonderful town.
I-I mean, we still got one of those Arby's signs.
You know? T-The old ones, you know, with the big old hat? That's been gone for ten years.
Oh, (BLEEP) this place.
No, no, you know what? No.
Quahog is a wonderful town, because of who we are and what we do, not because of some guy who stole beer 300 years ago.
Especially when he did horrible things to some of our fellow citizens.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Thank you, Peter.
Now, crowd of angry whites, I think we all owe our Native American friends an apology.
Sorry.
Angry whites.
- Sorry! - That's better.
Well, Brian, I guess I owe you an apology, too.
You were right from the start.
Sorry things got so heated between us and that I took a dump in your dog food.
- Wait, what? - I know.
Politics, huh? - Come on everybody, let's go home.
- I'll drive.
Where the hell are we? Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: the statue of Pawtucket Pat was found earlier today in the Quahog River.
In the spirit of compromise, the town has decided that it will be relocated to the Quahog Museum, where it will be both remembered and never seen by anyone ever again.
Well, thank God this whole controversy is behind us.
Yeah.
And Peter, I'm glad you came to your senses.
Me, too.
You know, we might even win an award for this.
- Really? - Yeah, award voters love it when someone with a right-leaning viewpoint admits they're wrong.
They declare it's good storytelling and character development.
Ooh, like Three Billboards.
- And Green Book.
- Driving Miss Daisy.
American History X.
Yeah, all those.
And many more.
But can anyone name a single movie where someone on the left took on a more Republican-leaning viewpoint? Doesn't even have to have won an award.
Just has to exist.
Anyone? Anything? What about Fritz Lang's Metropolis? How'd you get here? Mm, in my Hyundai Sonata.