Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e09 Episode Script

Hey up! Hey up! Thee down there with the brush.
What's your problem? Tha's been banging about since six.
How would you know? I've been lying in bed listening to thee.
You've no business listening to folk.
Didn't know it were thee.
Thought we had builders in.
I'm giving my house a good fettling.
It's time you gave yours one.
My place would never take the beating you give yours.
What's it all about anyroad? I've got a visitor coming, if it's any of your business, and she's a lady, so don't loaf about in your underwear.
How about half a loaf? It's better than none.
While she's here, do us all a favour, and stay in bed, out of sight.
Three meals a day, tha's got a deal.
Agh! All right.
Two and a snack.
Nora Batty's got a visitor coming.
I don't know how we'd have got through the day without knowing that.
At last.
Something to write in my diary.
I just thought I'd mention it.
Is that our excitement for the day or is there more? Who is this visitor? She didn't say.
Oh, well, that makes it even more fascinating.
I do believe I'm all agog.
I just thought I'd mention it, seeing as how she doesn't have visitors very often.
Nobody OFTEN has visitors.
Who could stand the strain of OFTEN having visitors? Oh, I don't know.
I wonder sometimes if I oughtn't to entertain more.
Make the effort, get out the silver.
A knife and fork that says, "A Present From Blackpool.
" There's an egg cup and a serviette ring.
I hope tha's well insured(!) What do you want to start entertaining for? Oh, I don't know.
I sometimes wonder if we have a full enough social life.
Oh, it's full enough for me.
Never did much entertaining with the former Mrs Truelove.
She was more your best kept well-hidden sort of person.
I wouldn't mind entertaining Nora.
Oh, yes, I can see it now.
A table by candlelight.
Just you and Nora and several ferrets.
I could put them out while she's there.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it? A total stranger comes in and out go your ferrets.
She's not a total stranger.
She's strange enough for me.
What are you looking at? I am making sure that underneath all that grease and grime, I am not talking to a complete stranger! I'm busy.
What is it? When are you going to fix that dripping tap? I fixed it first thing this morning.
Well, now you're acting like a stranger.
I've got to go.
I'm onto something.
It's terrific.
Well, don't forget where you live.
I shan't.
It's the only house in the street with paper on the floor.
I remember her vaguely.
That's her.
She was then, anyway.
Sort of dreamy.
A bit slow.
I thought so too, but she was good looking and I hated anybody who was better looking than me.
Did you feel like that as well? Yes! Looks like school's out.
Good morning.
It WAS.
Hey up! I'm always one to accept a challenge.
How about you and me round the back for a snog? I'd sooner have flu.
How about thee, then, Ivy? It's nearly as attractive as cleaning out drains.
I think that was a no.
If these birds will keep wasting their opportunities! What kind of opportunity d'you think you are? I've kissed 'em all before.
BOTH: When?! At school.
You kissed everybody at school.
Not the boys.
Well, maybe him once or twice.
He looked so attractive in his little sailor suit.
That's a lie.
I used to look like Nelson in my sailor suit.
Aye, Wendy Nelson.
I thought we could go for a bicycle ride.
Pearl's gone out for the day.
I don't want to spend my lunch hour going for another bicycle ride.
Not ANOTHER bicycle ride.
You used to like bicycle rides in your lunch hour.
That was when I was younger.
That was last Tuesday.
I've grown up a lot since last Tuesday.
I'm not the same person.
You look close enough for me.
I suppose it's only fair to warn you that there might be someone else.
Someone else? A girl has to think of her future, Howard.
Just leave it with me.
I'll fill your future with bicycle rides.
A girl wants more.
More than bicycle rides? MUCH! Howard, I've been corresponding secretly for some time with a gentleman who signs himself "Lonely Blue Eyes".
We're meeting today for the first time.
If it goes well, I may decide to attach myself to him, Howard.
He's free.
It may mean everything a girl desires .
.
marriage, children, respectability.
WellOK.
Then can we go for a bicycle ride? I wonder what I could do to increase my chances with Nora Batty.
If absence makes the heart grow fonder, have you thought of emigrating to China? I'm being serious here! Fancying Nora Batty is REALLY serious.
I can't think of anything more serious.
As an ambition, it's like aiming for the North Pole.
For all her faults, the former Mrs Truelove had a wonderful ability to reduce a chap's interest in the opposite sex.
I like the opposite sex.
I've always been glad there's an opposite sex.
Well, if you're looking for something opposite, Nora Batty's about as good as you'll find.
She taught me to be very steady in the presence of women, although they could be quite fun to arrest.
Come on.
I'm closing early.
What's this all about? I'm meeting Nora's visitor.
Oh, the secret visitor.
There's nothing secret about it.
We go through life with hardly a thought for all those poor devils having visitors.
Who is this visitor? It's a Mrs Dilhooley.
Dilhooley? Dilhooley? Is she any relation to a strangler of the same name? She's a widow from Australia, visiting the old country.
She was born here.
Hey up! Look at this! Didn't I see thee play the lead in Evita? Or was it Phantom Of The Opera? Closer.
Keep away.
I don't want to get creased up.
Tha won't get far if tha never gets creased up.
Come on! Out, you lot! Come along.
Stop pestering these ladies.
I were born to pester ladies.
Some are artistic.
I pester ladies.
It makes you wonder who has the nerve, not only to go to Australia, but then to come back? You may remember her by her maiden name.
She used to be Audrey Nash.
Audrey Nash? The widow Dilhooley was Audrey Nash? I've told you.
She was Audrey Nash.
He's gone, Norm.
All the way back to Audrey Nash.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS ENGINE STOPS Is that you, Barry? You've just timed it nicely.
I haven't much time.
I'm going home for my lunch.
Your lucky day, lad.
You'll be going home in style.
Just step inside the office a moment.
I shan't get my suit dirty, shall I? Why should you get your suit dirty? I don't remember him being all that keen on her at school.
I thought all he was interested in was drink and slagging off the former Mrs Truelove, which he does quite well.
I think he still loves her, his ex.
You little romantic! That's you and Barbara Cartland.
Audrey Nash! After all these years.
Calm thaself, Truly.
Don't think of her as Audrey Nash if it upsets thee.
Think of her as the widow Dilhooley.
Damn Dilhooley! She was mine.
She was my Audrey Nash.
When was she yours? I will always remember that night at the tennis club dance.
We were young.
It was my magical time with Audrey Nash.
He's gone.
He's absolutely gone.
So much for still being in love with his ex.
I thought his only aim in life was to arrest people.
Only in business hours.
In his own time, all it seems he wanted was Audrey Nash.
I don't really remember her.
She were a dreamy, little, skinny bird.
She was not a dreamy, little, skinny bird.
She was elegant and poetic.
What was she? Elegant and poetic dreamy, little, skinny bird.
ENGINE BANGS ENGINE SPLUTTERS You're not fit to be on the road.
By heck, Truly, tha got that sarnie down quick.
He has.
He's really gone.
Funny.
You never think of policemen being in love.
Tha never think tha could nick tha sarnies.
She was like a vision in that white dress at the tennis club dance.
The orchestra was playing.
I was sipping a D and B on the rocks.
D and B? Dandelion and burdock.
The world was still innocent.
You never dreamt of the terrible things to come.
The war.
Mabel.
The former Mrs Truelove.
Now, Audrey Nash was wearing a white dress.
What were thee wearing? Blazer and flannels.
We were very sharp dressers, the men in the tennis set.
Striped blazers, Oxford bags.
Oxford bags? They were very loose-fitting trousers.
They were fashionable THEN.
I thought he were talking about the pair that I used to know in Aldershot.
You had an interesting war.
Oh-oh! I did, Norm.
I wondered who was making it last.
I can see her now, in that white dress, just a slip of a thing.
Oh, happy dayshappy days.
What's up with him? He's in love.
Who's he in love with? I demand to know.
Relax, Howard.
What's the matter with thee? Is he going around signing himself "Lonely Blue Eyes"? Certainly not on his income tax returns.
Let me look in your eyes.
Back off, Howard.
I'm looking for Lonely Blue Eyes.
We'd never make a go of it.
I'm not your type.
And I'm married.
No, you're not.
Well, I used to be and the licence hasn't expired.
They make a lovely couple.
Looks more like one and a half.
We'll get you home in comfort, lad.
You're the first passenger of the Wesley Pegden motorised rickshaw.
Is there a call for a rickshaw here? Not if some poor devil had to pull it, lad, not with all these hills, but with a MOTORISED rickshaw, now there you've got a proposition.
Two passengers carried in comfort, little petrol, cheaper than a taxi.
I've a strong suspicion we might be ending up with a fleet of these.
Hop in, then, lad.
Make yourself comfy, Barry.
There you see the value of testing.
Wants more weight at the front.
I'll show you where we used to go - me and Audrey Nash.
One of our favourite places.
Tha used to bring her here? Yeah.
Big spender(!) We've spent many happy times in here, especially in inclement weather.
We used to watch the rain fall, making plans.
How to get out, I expect.
This was our telephone kiosk.
Hey-ho! Don't sigh.
There's no room.
Good job she were skinny.
Slender.
He meant slender.
What are you doing? "I hate Lonely Blue Eyes.
" Well, go on, then, lie to me.
Tell me what it means.
I didn't realise I was writing it.
I suppose it's what you'd call the work of the unconscious.
Oh, I could believe that.
If there's anybody around here with a gift for the unconscious, it's you.
It's frightening really, what mysterious things can happen, even in ordinary life.
You used to write "Howard loves Pearl".
Keep your voice down! I hope you never told anybody.
I don't think I ever told anybody.
Why shouldn't I tell somebody? Are you telling me it's no longer true? Well, of course not.
It's still absolutely true.
It's just a little embarrassing.
It wouldn't be embarrassing if it were you-know-who.
I don't know who you mean.
You don't? Well, that's funny, because here she comes.
She's not fooling me, pretending not to know you.
You're quite wrong.
I bet she's on her way to meet another man.
And all this time, you've thought she's been meeting me.
I hope you're not lying again.
I don't know how you can say that.
If you don't believe me, we'll follow her and see who he is(the swine!) Right.
When she gets off the bus, I'm going to be there.
I want her to see me as I was at the tennis club dance.
Where'll you find a striped blazer and Oxford bags? I'll find them.
I'll be wearing them to meet Audrey Nash.
She's the widow Dilhooley.
Not to me.
To me, she'll always be little Audrey Nash.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS How do, lads? Anybody know a Chinese feller? I don't.
Then that must be Wesley.
We left from this very platform on our honeymoon.
Me too.
Mind you, after that, we only went on pleasure trips.
For pleasure trips, we used to go by motorbike and sidecar.
That was in the days before helmets when you could still wear a hat.
For years, we didn't have transport.
It was trains or buses or nothing.
Usually it was nothing.
He wasn't keen on going far except on honeymoon.
I couldn't complain about Wally on honeymoon.
He was so well behaved - almost as good as if he wasn't there.
Funny how you love 'em, despite everything.
You've got to be careful not to show it.
Absolutely.
You can't show it.
They're hard enough to handle under strict conditions.
It was one of those trains with compartments for our honeymoon.
It had a picture of Skegness.
Funny the things you remember.
I remember his wedding suit didn't fit, but it was smart.
I like a stripe.
We said we would, but we never went to Skegness.
There's only so much time.
TRAIN APPROACHES We'll try Auntie Wainwright's bargain clothing department.
If anyone has a striped blazer and Oxford bags, it's Auntie Wainwright.
He must be in love to go in Auntie Wainwright's.
I don't see any reason to inform the public why I want the garments.
Too late.
I've told everybody.
A thing like that dents my image as a powerful force in crime prevention.
We'll tell Auntie Wainwright they're for amateur theatricals.
Alice In Wonderland! And guess who's going to play Alice.
I don't care what he wants them for as long as he wants them.
It's for him.
I've got all the clothing I need.
You look as if you're wearing it all at once.
It was chilly this morning.
Where were you - Alaska? Well, if it gets really warm, I take a pullover off.
I can be a sun worshipper as well as the next bloke.
What kind of trollop goes alone into public houses? Oh, I know what you mean.
I hope she's all right.
There are some rough pubs in the area.
They won't be too rough for that one.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for Lonely Blue Eyes.
It's you.
You're Lonely Blue Eyes.
You said in your letter you were just a touch over 30.
And that was just the waist measurement.
DOOR SHUTS You see, another man.
And you thought she was going out with me.
I suppose I owe you an apology.
You certainly do.
OK.
I suppose you're right.
If I've been wrong about you all this time, you can kiss me and we'll make up.
I wouldn't say all this time.
Kiss me, Howard.
You've forgotten how, haven't you? I wouldn't mind but I'm not even musical.
Well, what did tha buy it for? I didn't buy it.
It was sold to me.
It's valuable.
Oh, don't you start.
That's what SHE said.
A little snug at the major intersections.
Oh, tha looks ravishing! It feels a little like the deadly embrace of the former Mrs Truelove.
That's the way it used to be.
It's the cut.
I suppose you're right.
It's the cut.
It's a cut below the rest.
I'm glad you bought the gramophone.
Well, I'm glad somebody's glad.
They're here! It's them.
Stand by, Clegg.
The timing's crucial here.
I don't know why I didn't get a monkey to go with my barrel organ.
It's a big moment for me.
It's them.
They're coming! Don't let them see you.
Have you wound it up? It's wound up.
Stop fiddling.
Is it all right? It's terrible, but that's not making it any better.
You're honest and reliable and kind enough to lie for a friend.
How do I look, Clegg? You ARE Lobby Ludd and I claim my ten shillings.
Here we go, then.
My magical reunion with Audrey Nash.
Play it again, Sam.
Here they come.
MUSIC PLAYS I thought we had a good journey.
We'll see you on Wednesday.
Goodbye.
Why are you playing a gramophone in the street? I've always wanted to play a musical instrument.
They get barmier.
Who's the drongo in the funny trousers? I told you.
They get barmier.
You remember Herbert Truelove.
Truelove? Truelove? I don't remember any Truelove.
By heck, she's a big lass is that Audrey Nash.
That wasn't Audrey Nash.
That was the widow Dilhooley.
I bet she's related to the strangler.
No good wasting the music.
Hey up, lass.
How about a dance? Come on, lass.
Let tha hair down.
Good on you, mate.
I like your spirit.
Turn it off.
Get me out! Get me out of this! Don't tell me.
Tell lover boy.
Aren't tha going to cut in? I'm afraid it's quite impossible in these trousers.