Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s19e10 Episode Script

She had a letter, then? Postcard.
Postcard - ah, that'll be from Bridlington.
Tenerife.
Tenerife? Ah, well, it must be NEAR Bridlington.
Canary Islands! Canary Islands? Ah! That'll be in THAT direction, past Whitby.
Spain.
Spain? She don't know anybody in Spain.
She's getting postcards from Spain.
From who? I don't go gossiping about other people's mail.
Ah! That will be from their Kathryn.
Somebody called Gladwyn.
Gladwyn? Does she know a Gladwyn? She got a postcard from him.
I hope he's having a good time(!) He is.
Weather's good, food's brilliant.
Canary Islands? Gladwyn? What do you want? I want to give thee some advice.
Advice? Forget canaries stick with ferrets.
Psst! The former Mrs Truelove used to do that.
I just wanted a word.
She wanted to give me a coronary.
(Will you do me a favour?) You mean like - drop dead? You're not in the pay of the former Mrs Truelove? No.
Of course you could be lying.
I just wondered, if Pearl asks, would you tell her that you're my security adviser? You're spot on, Howard.
They don't come any more secure than Truly of the Yard.
Out of the way, lad! Ohh! That is MARVELLOUS, Mr Pegden! That is WONDERFUL! That is BRILLIANT! How would you like to road-test it, lad? That is How would you like to road-test it, lad? That isdangerous.
It's an off-road vehicle.
We'll take it out in the countryside.
But why does it need anybody on it if it's radio-controlled? In case something goes wrong, lad.
Wrong?! I wish you wouldn't say "wrong".
With the controls.
It's still in its infancy.
If the radio control goes wrong, you can take over and bring the machine to a safe halt.
Just think, lad.
You'll be the very first to ride this! Aye, I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
It's amazing how your fame spreads.
Even Howard's heard.
This carpet's getting a bit worn near the door.
Howard's a shrewder judge of character than I thought.
At first glance you'd never believe he'd be so discriminating about his choice of security adviser.
Nora Batty's getting postcards from the Canaries.
I suppose I could put a rug over it.
Name of Gladwyn.
A canary called Gladwyn? He's NOT a canary! Cor! Oh, that's bad, then.
He's probably Welsh.
Why's she going out with a Welsh bloke? They're probably easier to feed than a canary.
They sing just as well.
I bet that's what's done it! He's been singing at her and she's fell for it! I've got some ground to make up here.
Well, I wouldn't sing.
What else am I going to do? I don't know.
Try anything.
Emigration, suicide but, please, NOT singing.
I know what I'll do.
I'll put a rug over it.
I've got to do summat.
With Nora Batty? Clegg says put a rug over it.
I warned him.
You'll remember I warned him.
I think he's desperate.
He feels he HAS to try.
# NORAA-AA! # Is a face in the misty night! # A face that I so want to see # My heart is filled with such delight # Just like a plate of mus-hy peas # Maybe she didn't like the song.
Hello, love.
You're home early.
Let's hope YOU are.
Who are you today, then? Action Man? I'm just off to test meself against the wilderness.
Did you finish that second bedroom? Well, yes.
I thought, I'll just finish this second bedroom, then I'll go and test meself against the wilderness.
Suppose it wins? Ah, well I'm being trained by an expert.
Truly of the Yard has kindly agreed to be my adviser.
It takes one to know one.
He suggested I should get used to living off the land.
Living off the land? You've got to when you're in the wilderness.
Oh, I see.
How long do you intend to be out there, "living off the land"? Well, I thought maybe until about teatime.
I see.
Do you think you'll be able to manage till teatime? Oh, yes, love.
I've got a few biscuits and a sandwich.
This is a critical time for me and Nora.
I'm getting there bit by bit.
One final push and she is mine! What do you mean, getting there? She threw water on you.
Maybe she likes me wet.
Maybe it shows off my figure.
In those trousers you show your figure off enough! Maybe this Gladwyn has better trousers for singing in.
Tha's probably right.
Maybe his trousers are a sturdy baritone, whereas yours are a sort of flimsy falsetto.
What it is, is you lack glamour.
Give over! I'm number one glamour! I'm notorious for it! Men lock up their wives! Yes, I used to feel the same impulse.
No, what you lack is the prestige and glamour of a uniform.
If she's going to throw water, I should get a frogman's uniform.
I don't need a uniform to pull the birds.
It would help especially now there's a canary called Gladwyn.
SNORES An intrepid airman.
Uhh? You know, that's JUST what you need.
I'm for display purposes only.
The outfit! Maybe we could come to some arrangement with Auntie Wainwright.
Just as long as I don't buy anything.
I've sworn a solemn oath NEVER to buy anything.
I heard that.
I accept the challenge.
Actually, madam, we are considering offering you a deal.
It's getting better all the time! A deal a day keeps the doctor away.
I thought that was an apple! Yes, it is.
And very lifelike, too.
Good quality.
Shall I wrap it? No! Why would he want a brass apple? They make wonderful paperweights.
Why would he want a paperweight? I wish you'd stop being so negative about his brass apple.
MY apple?! He admits it! Your airman here - he doesn't look the part.
He looks more like a furtive felon.
Doesn't look right? Get up.
He lacks any high-altitude macho bezazz and whammy.
He lacks it at low altitude, too.
YOU wouldn't look right if you'd been wearing a parachute for hours.
It's not the parachute, it's the face.
It's definitely the face.
Mother always said it were a good face.
This lady needs something more adventurous.
Or just a willingness to spend.
He doesn't look like the determined-to-fly boy.
I can't see him pressing on regardless through heavy flak.
Whereas Ace here would look the part.
HIM? ME?! Ace would wear this uniform and cruise around town.
Set people talking.
In that rig I certainly would! Can we leave now? I can feel another sale coming on.
A walking advertisement for you.
WITH the parachute? Definitely WITH the parachute.
Best of luck.
It gets between your legs.
And you've got more legs than most people.
They only just reach the floor like anyone else's.
You don't need to hang on the handlebars, Barry.
I'LL do the driving, you just take over in emergency.
Why are you using words like "emergency"? Nothing dangerous.
Just technical problems.
How fast will we be going? Oh, very slow.
These are just first tests.
Very slow.
Or maybe even slower? Just fold your arms, Barry.
Leave the driving to me.
BIKE REVS LOUDLY Are you ready, lad? If I get hurt, your daughter will kill you.
I'd hate to be causing trouble in the family.
Barry, we're going to take a steady amble round this field.
We're NOT doing Starship Enterprise.
Here we go, then, lad.
Sit back and enjoy it.
Great! If we're going out into the wilderness, Howard, what are we doing in the park? It's just for training purposes.
You've brought me into the park for training purposes? Yes, love.
I wanted to do the bushes test.
The bushes test? That sounds interesting, Howard.
I want to test you in the bushes.
Ooh! You certainly know how to set a girl's heart racing! Let me explain to you what I want you to do.
I can't wait! I want you to go and stand in the bushes and then I'llI'll walk way over there.
Wait a minute.
I'm in the bushes and you're way over there? I'll be checking to see if you've blended in with the background.
Checking from way over there? Yes.
And that's the bushes test? Yes, love.
And they think going astray is easy.
All the grace of the former Mrs Truelove.
It's all right for thee! Tha's got two legs with space in between.
Very useful on a bicycle.
Slow down! I can't go on! You grab his other arm, Clegg.
I'll give him a pull.
Come on.
Does it bite? What do you feed it on? Bananas? Grrr! Agh! Meat-eater! QUAD BIKE ROARS Catch it, Barry! Don't let it get away from you, lad! There are comings and goings at that house at all hours.
Her security lights are on and off so fast you'd think it was a disco! She works a couple of hours at Oxfam and thinks it entitles her to do as she pleases for the rest of the week.
She's no better than she ought to be.
I don't care how many Third World stickers she's got on her windscreen.
And the colour of her hair - it looks like a badly-dyed rug.
I know it's terrible! Nora's in there having a cup of tea with Ivy.
All you have to do is go in there, swagger past her and impress her.
Swagger?! I'm walking like a duck with a problem! You've got room for a tail gunner.
It doesn't matter how you WALK.
All she'll notice is the glamour.
What do you think, Norm? Like the rest of us, she'll be impressed by the sheer stupidity.
I hope so.
Off you go, then, intrepid airman.
What'll I say? Ask her if she wants to buy a brass apple.
Tell her to look after your ferrets if anything happens.
Happens? What can happen, except I cripple myself with this parachute? It's like having a pool table between tha legs! If anything happens to YOU on this dangerous flight you're going on.
Ah ha! Dangerous flight! Heroics, roger and out, dingo! Oh, good grief! It's the Red Arrows! What's he dressed like that for? For protection, madam.
Against the high winds at high altitudes.
So that he can perform all his functions at temperatures minus zero.
Or even minuser! But he's very brave.
He seldom complains.
At least you can't see any holes.
It makes a change to be able to look at him with both eyes open in confidence.
You see? Progress already.
I'm doing well, Norm.
Brylcreem boy! Three teas, please, Ivy.
He's got time for a cuppa before he goes off.
With a bang, I hope! I have.
I've just got time.
You're not worried about air sickness, then? Oh, no, Norm.
I'll fight against it.
(Is she looking at me?) Oh, she's looking at you, kid! He's getting dafter.
What's he doing in overalls? He's not going to work finally, is he? Overalls? Flying suit, madam.
Intrepid airman, for the use of.
HE can't fly a plane! He's a mechanical idiot.
You see? More progress.
That's the first time she's ever called you mechanical.
What does tha think? It's time you bailed out.
If he's got to fly by the seat of his pants, he's in trouble.
He hasn't much seat left.
He can't fly a plane! He's often unsteady on his bicycle! It's not working, is it? It's not working.
Relax, little aviator! Give it time.
Come on, sit down.
Agh! He can't fly a chair, never mind a plane! They go far too fast up this hill.
Hey, listen Here's one now.
He's going quite a bit.
We'll have this one.
Don't let him get past.
Nothing's going to get past! THROATY ROARING APPROACHES I telled thee she'd never believe it.
She knows I can't fly a plane.
Say you've been to night school.
Don't worry.
We'll surprise her on the way out.
I usually do.
But I won't be fast enough in THIS gear.
Leave it to me.
I'll get you looking like an intrepid airman again.
She'll be full of admiration.
How? She knows I can't fly a plane.
You don't imagine I was able to catch the Hackney Strangler without a little cunning? CHAIRS SCRAPE Why don't you slip into something more comfy - like the next county?! He's got no control of his parts.
Can you imagine HIM trying to fly a plane?! He wanted to see you before he took off.
We tried to talk him out of it.
It's too dangerous, we said.
But he scoffs at danger.
I do.
I often have a good scoff.
What danger? He was determined.
He wanted to say goodbye in case anything went wrong.
It's already gone wrong! Look at my table! HE'S not doing anything dangerous! When's HE learnt to fly a plane? Oh, he's not FLYING one.
Did you think he was flying one? Oh, no! He's jumping OUT of one.
He's doing a parachute jump.
Brave old you.
Nothing to it, Norm.
He's going to JUMP out of an aeroplane?! Don't risk it, we said.
You're a national treasure, we said.
I'll stop as soon as I reach the ground.
Don't stop for ME.
Where DO they dream these things up? I don't know, but they get wilder! Can you believe HIM jumping out of an aeroplane?! He can't even jump out of bed! I told thee she wouldn't believe it.
Well, maybe she NEARLY believed it.
She didn't look as though she nearly believed it.
All right.
You know what a hard-nosed lot they are round here.
We'll just have to pile on the evidence.
Hey up! I'm not jumping out of an aeroplane.
No.
We'll just make them THINK you are.
I don't like it, Norm.
Don't worry yet.
It's been my experience that things will get worse.
I'll organise it.
We have the technology.
Who do they think they're kidding?! Jumping from aeroplanes! You never know.
The dafter it sounds, the more likely they are to do it! I think they must have a gene for stupidity! My Barry has A-levels.
In stupidity? In social studies.
Same difference.
Jumping out of aeroplanes! How DO they dream these things up? It's a natural gift - for irresponsibility.
The stories that mine tells when he's trying to wriggle out of something! Yes, they're very good at wriggling out of things.
My Barry's usually most obliging around the house.
That's suspicious.
He's at home with a feather duster.
He sometimes gives that impression.
I'd never let Barry jump from an aeroplane.
Well, not with a feather duster.
And I don't think there's any danger he'd want to.
He didn't want to go and test that machine.
Well, he'd get his clothes dirty.
You've got to be prepared for that in life.
They WILL get their clothes dirty.
At least on mine it doesn't show.
He's wearing camouflage combat gear.
He's testing himself against the wilderness.
At least he's not jumping out of aeroplanes! Nobody's jumping out of an aeroplane! It's beyond their capacity! Never stops mine.
PHONE RINGS POSH: I expect that must be the vicar, in search of my recipe for sponge cake.
What's he doing? Who is he phoning? You know as much as me.
Right.
That's it, then.
They're on their way.
Who's on their way? The ladies to the rescue.
Rescue WHO? You, you little parachute person.
And this time they WILL believe it.
Now what? We wait for the ladies to arrive.
When we hear them coming, I'll give the signal, you drop from the branch, and you'll be dangling comfortably in your harness.
Lucky you.
Dangling comfortably in your harness.
Hey up! Have you seen the kind of places I'll be dangling on?! It's worth it.
You'll look as if you've made your jump and got tangled in the tree.
Think of the impression you'll make.
Think of that branch you've got to jump off.
It's a bit high.
High?! You've just jumped out of an aeroplane! That bit were easy.
Listen I can hear a vehicle.
It's coming this way.
All right, Ace, jump! Come on, Ace, move it! By 'eck, I'll tell thee summat this parachute - it makes the eyes water! Stop complaining! Think of the impression you'll make.
VEHICLE APPROACHES Sorry, Mr Simmonite! It's all right, Barry! Just think of the impression you've made! BBC Scotland, 1998