Family Guy s19e16 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy.
I'm glad you're finally getting your hair cut, Peter.
You were starting to look like that Bongo from The Beatles.
I am so excited for you to meet Jerry.
He's been cutting my hair for decades.
- I'm like family here.
- How do you do? Well, that's a fine "how do you do.
" I have a 12:00 with Jerry.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr.
Griffin, but your barber Jerry has passed away.
What? When? - Recently.
- Jerry.
That's someone else.
But I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.
No! I want Jerry.
Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut.
Come on, get up.
You're embarrassing me.
I'm not gonna.
I hate you.
Come on, Peter.
You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.
Good day, Mr.
Kubrick.
My name is Chris Griffin.
And the following is a loose cutting from air bud: Golden Receiver.
Show me in the rule book where it says a dog can't play football.
He ain't gonna walk again.
Doc says he broke his back.
You're gold when you're a retriever.
You're gold when you're a retriever.
Peter, this is Jan.
Now you just sit there while she and I conspiratorially discuss your haircut in front of you.
Okay, Peter, think.
You're a cartoon character.
You can conjure up anything in the world to get yourself out of this.
So long, Lois and lady I accidentally called "sir.
" The lines are speed.
I didn't draw any food or supplies.
I drew that.
Good morning, family.
Peter, why are you wearing that hat? You look like you're getting ready to ride a moped in Thailand.
God, how does it look wet and dry at the same time? You look like if Shelley Duvall ate Shelley Duvall.
Peter, you have to get a haircut.
Lois, Jerry's dead.
So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.
I'm, like, not mad at his hair.
Sorry, but, like, I would.
You would what? - And with who? - Anything.
With anybody.
I don't give a horse's tomato.
Okay, come on, guys, it's just hair.
I'm still the same old Peter.
Nothing's gonna change.
I'm late.
The hair doesn't know yet that he doesn't need a briefcase for work.
What are we doing here, Dad? Well, now that I have long, stringy hair, we're bidding on an abandoned storage unit.
Gentlemen, the auction is about to begin.
Are we all wearing our cargo shorts? If so, please rattle your trinkets and van keys.
Very good.
The first unit up for bids today contains the band members from Sugar Ray.
Every morning there are old guys bidding for the value of my bandmates' four gross beds.
Shut the door, baby, don't say a word.
They still got it.
This, Chris.
This is why we got up at 5:00 a.
m.
And drove 90 miles to be here.
Hey, Brian, you're just in time.
The fat man's segment is on.
How would I describe it here? Well, we're just normal long-haired people who happen to share a love of soup and, also vigorous den-floor tongue dunking.
Yeah, honestly the soups are a much bigger part of it than I was led to believe.
Like, I-I can't stress that enough.
I always have to pee wicked during the other thing.
There's a framed grandparent photo watching all that activity in the den.
I don't know if this is appropriate for Stewie.
Sorry, I'm just so preoccupied with Peter's hair.
Every time he comes in a room, he's accompanied by the "Aqualung" guitar lick.
I'll be out back.
Forgot my keys.
Wrong ones.
- I'll go talk to him.
- Thank you, Brian.
He's probably out by the still.
You from the QVA? What the hell? Peter, it's me, Brian.
Quahog Valley Authority - trying to flood me out of here.
- What is all this? It's where I make my liquor free from government interference.
Here, try a swig.
What's in this? I have no idea.
I could really use some government interference.
It's actually not bad.
It's the police.
Run! Well, don't worry.
I won't get far on foot.
Hello? Anyone? Man, I'm-I'm starting to think Peter didn't throw a tennis ball in this direction.
Crap.
I'm lost in the woods, drunk on moonshine.
I guess the only thing to do is watch Alex Jones videos at full volume on my phone.
My supplements don't have lead in them.
If your magnet bracelet won't come off, it's probably something you did.
But now let's get back to the real news, my friends.
There is a pedophile ring at TCBY.
It does not stand for "The Country's Best Yogurt," it stands for "Take Children.
Boys? Yes.
" - Good morning, buddy.
- It's morning? (BLEEP), you can talk? - Yeah.
- My God.
I knew it.
They told me I was crazy, but I knew it.
I've said good morning to, like, thousands of dogs.
Is this the pound? How did I get to the pound? My God, that's so awesome.
Okay, you were brought to us as a lost dog, but, good news: we scanned you and found your microchip.
- I didn't know I was chipped.
- Yep.
So you can go back to your owners, the Hendersons of Bristol County.
What? Well, who are these people? My family is the Griffins.
Well, that's not what your chip says.
Man, no one's gonna believe this.
Wait, will you record my outgoing message? Hang on.
No one will know you're a dog.
Can I record you on mute? Wait, then no one will hear you can talk.
Okay, we're gonna do something together.
I don't know what it is, but we're gonna do something.
You still researching your other family? Yeah.
Apparently, they reported me missing right before Peter found me.
I just think it's important I understand who these people were, you know, as an anthropologist might.
This is a search for "Hendersons net worth question mark.
" Sorry, let me go back.
That says "Hendersons feet.
" "Hendersons daughter.
" "Hendersons daughter age.
" Yikes, Bri.
"Hendersons naked.
" Whoa.
"Florence Henderson naked.
" Her boobs look like her eyes.
Anyway, I just thought it might be helpful to reconnect with them.
It's funny, but I-I have no memory of living with them.
Yeah, sort of like Chris doesn't remember we stole him - from a Dutch family.
- What's this now? Peter, you cut your hair.
It actually got caught in the garage door opener chain.
Good news is, we'll know exactly how far to pull in when we park.
What about the tennis ball? What tennis ball? Hey, cool out.
I-I can be your assistant.
We can both do it.
Checks and balances.
Okay, Brian, you can do this.
The Griffins are still your family.
You're just curious to learn about yourself.
Yes.
To learn about yourself.
My God, it's you.
- Is this really happening? - Sure is.
We thought we'd never see you again.
We made a grave for you and everything.
Want to see it? Want to see your own grave? Um, no, thanks.
Good, 'cause we had to move it to put in the trampoline anyway.
Come in, come in.
Wow, this place is incredible.
These say "Henderson.
" Did you write all these? Yep.
I've written one more book than James Patterson.
He writes one, I write one more.
That's sort of my thing.
And it looks like you got some of my favorites over here.
1984.
Chilling.
- Could happen, right? - Which part? Just all of it.
You know, the just, the year.
Are you saying the year 1984 could happen? And Sense and Sensibility.
Very similar words.
But there is a difference there.
Well, I think Ms.
Austen meant "sense" as in the rational mind, and "sensibility" as in one's preferences, or irrational mind, so it's kind of a winking tug-of-war at work.
Do you have Jaws here? I-I'd like to talk about Jaws.
By Peter Benchley? No.
No, by Steven Spielberg.
Well, that was all pretty unexpected.
The Hendersons were actually amazing.
I can totally see where I get my literary chops from.
Can't hear you I mean, their kids are at Harvard now.
Yeah, I can't I got my music going, so Makes me think I could have gone to Harvard if I'd just stuck around.
Okay, fine.
Not gonna make Sinéad compete with you.
Not gonna do that to her.
I was just thinking, you know, how different my life could be if I'd actually grown up with the right kind of family.
Yeah, Bri, I have that thought sometimes, too.
- Hey.
- Hey yourself.
You, working hard or hardly working? Get up here and find out.
Brian, I got to go.
- But, Stewie - I got to go! Hey, you want to get in the pool? I'd love to, but I had active diarrhea three days ago.
It's okay, the lifeguard's totally cool.
Hey, guys? The weekend scholars.
You two tackling your studies? We're buying tickets to Fyre Fest Two.
You in? You do realize the first one was a historic failure.
Yeah, but this one's on the moon.
And Brittany Murphy's going! You guys are clearly being conned.
There isn't even water up there.
Trust me, there's a very dedicated man who will make sure we get water, Brian.
Hey, Chris, did you tell everyone the big news? No, it's stupid.
Go on, tell 'em! Well, I got into Orange Julius school today.
- That's wonderful, Chris! - Congratulations! Unique.
Tell 'em what the guy said, Chris.
He said I was lucky I was the only one who applied.
You're being too modest.
He also said they only accept 99% of applicants.
Anyway, I've already been fired for touching myself while the Hot Dog on a Stick ladies made lemonade.
That's terrible, Chris.
Well, to be fair, the hot dogs look like wieners and lemonade looks like pee, so I was kind of doomed from the get-go.
Okay, that's it! How are you all actually this dumb? I can't even believe I've wasted my intellect living here.
What are you saying, Brian? I'm saying I'm moving back in with the Hendersons where I belong.
Okay, Brian, I guess that's your choice.
Yeah, fine.
Go! And if you think we're just going to sadly watch you walk away, you're wrong, mister! Now get the hell out of here! Every time you go Away You take a piece of me with Hey, Stewie, was there a men's department - in that record store? - Shut up! Lois, there's a spider in my golf bag.
I need you to kill it.
Peter, why is there a huge pile of food under the table by your chair? What? That's all the gross food you made.
- Don't worry, Brian will eat it.
- Brian's gone.
He moved in with that smarty-pants Henderson family.
That's right.
Well, then this is a perfect chance to do something I've been wanting to do forever.
Kids, family meeting! Now that there's no dog in the house, we can finally throw gross things in the open bathroom trash.
I've got a bloody Kleenex from when I blew my nose too hard! - Put it in there! - How about bloody toilet paper from wiping too hard? Everything bloody from everything too hard - goes in there.
- I'm not proud of this family.
All right, well, since Brian's not coming back, I, I guess you and I should try to develop our own comedic patter.
Guess so.
Hey, can I get some of that pie and Cool "Hwip"? - What did you say? - We can't have pie without Cool "Hwip.
" That's not how you're supposed to say it! You said it weird! Whoa, buddy.
It was it was just a joke.
Somehow this is at my expense, I know it! No, it's a goof - It's my bit, bud.
- You like bits? Well, this is my bit want to ride the Stewie-Go-Round? Aah! Make it stop! I can't! It's like an SNL bit! Too long with no ending! Welcome back to the family, Brian.
We're so happy to have you for dinner.
I think it was Oscar Wilde who once said, "After good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.
" And Oscar Wilde? Famous gaybo.
Whoa, where do you think you're going? I just assumed that was my seat.
Brian, we've never had an unwiped dog anus on a chair cushion before.
And we're not about to change that now, as happy as we are you've returned to us.
You eat down here.
Dog bowl.
Classic.
This food looks gross.
- It's very good for you.
- I don't believe you.
Well, who would you believe? I don't know, Robert Loggia? Whoa, Robert Loggia! Mrs.
Henderson is right.
Alpo dog food is nutritious and delicious.
- Thanks, Robert Loggia! - No problem.
Mind if I take a whiz in your bathroom? But you took one when you got here.
Well, I have to take another.
Stop counting my whizzes.
You know, Brian, we were wondering, - what do you think of the name Brian? - What do you mean? Well, we never had the chance to name you, so we were thinking something a bit more sophisticated.
- What if we call you Ishmael? - Call me Ishmael? Ha.
See, honey, I told you he wasn't secretly a stupid alcoholic fraud.
We love the name.
We heard a really wonderful lecture on Moby Dick when we went to TED last summer.
Ted? Ted's a classic! I didn't know you like TED, too? Well, Ted 2 was just okay.
I mean, I-I wanted to like it.
You know, I came to buy.
Really long courtroom scene, really long.
I don't think we saw that TED Talk.
Really? He says the opposite of things you think he'd say! I mean, that's kinda that's kinda the whole thing.
Stop kicking me, Peter! Your toenails are so long.
I feel like I'm sleeping with Mo'Nique.
I'm over here.
I found your vibrator, and I was holding my thing up next to it.
I thought they should meet each other.
Chris, what the hell are you doing?! Dad told me to sleep in here.
Sorry, Lois.
I just missed having Brian at the foot of the bed, so I, I asked Chris to do it.
Peter, we had sex 20 minutes ago! Actually, it was 17 minutes ago.
Though neither of you finished, so technically it's still going.
Just I-I was very full.
Just, just know that.
Okay, that's it.
This is no way to live.
We need Brian back.
You're right.
I miss him.
I wonder what Brian would say if he were here right now.
Hey, Peter.
I bet you're secretly, like, the best in the world at karate.
Yeah.
I am, buddy.
Thanks.
And did I hear you just became Jet Ski President of the World? Yeah, that's right.
Man, I miss Brian.
I got to figure out how to get him back.
And I hear you're really cool at sleepovers.
Well, I don't go to bed if that's what you mean.
Hey, how come, when I went missing, you guys didn't keep looking for me? Well, we really like to leave things up to God's will.
Boy.
Ha-ha! Road House callback! Road House callback! I never saw Road House.
It's about kicking! Hey, Brian.
Nice place.
They got one of them soda fridges in the garage or what? - I-I don't think so.
- That's wack.
Hey, thanks for committing a brutal crime for me, Peter.
You didn't have to do that.
The Hendersons treated me like a pet.
But you guys treat me like family.
And I miss that.
Look, Brian, I know we ain't as "fisticated" or "smort" or "intolergant" as them, but you're still our cat, you know? We want you to corn home.
That was just one whiz.
For those of you counting.
Well, it sure is great to be back home.
I think I finally learned that I would much rather be the smartest guy in a dumb family than the dumbest guy in a smart family.
Would we say you're the smartest guy in our family? You, you ever invent a time machine, Brian? Grow a brain, dick.
Hey, Joe.
What's up? Peter, I'm afraid you're under arrest for entering another man's home and kicking both he and his wife in the head.
But it was from a movie.
Well, that doesn't make a difference in the eyes of the law.
But I said the name of the movie! Peter, I'd move away from that as a legal strategy.
I'll take my chances.
Has the jury reached a verdict? We have.
Not guilty.
Nobody puts Peter in a corner.
Yay! I lucked out with jury selection.
I'm glad everything is back to average.
Yes, it's happy to be back home.
I, too, am gleeful.
You are improper.
Your hair is like hay.
A horse would eat it.
Go into the wood-burning oven.
I miss our stolen son in America.
Do you think he remembers us? Wooden shoe? Familiemaan: Dutch TV is probably not that great, we assume?