Family Guy s19e17 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Well, here we are.
Oh, and if you hear the guys call me "Poopy Thumb," I-it's just a fun nickname, it's not something that actually happened.
Hey, Poopy Thumb.
It was Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard from my sandwich.
How many times do I have to say it?! (CHUCKLES): Okay.
No need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.
Hi, everyone.
I'm your children's teacher, Miss Laura, and like pretty much everyone in America right now, I'm very high on legalized edible pot.
Ha-ha.
(INHALES SHARPLY) It's crazy how much your kids look like you.
Wha Peter, pay attention.
Sorry, I was having a Fast Times daydream about that tank top mom.
Yeah, that's disgusting.
How would you like it if she did that to you? ("MOVING IN STEREO" BY THE CARS PLAYS) PETER: I chocked on water and had to get mouth-to-mouth from a guy.
Five, four, three, two, one Yay! All right, that's officially the latest any of us have ever been up.
- (YAWNS) - Oh-ho! A little tired, Stewie? No.
I just yawned because somebody else yawned.
I could do this all night.
You tired? Oh, no.
At home, they call me the night (ALL SNORING) Is Garrick Utley alive? I (SIGHS) I don't know, Peter.
Hey, I've been meaning to ask you all night Those vintage pants are amazing, where did you get them? Oh, they were folded neatly on a toilet in the gas station.
Hey, you know, we're starting a text chain with some of the other young parents.
Young parents? Yeah, new parents like us have to stick together.
(CHUCKLES) Yes, we do.
Because we're very young.
Great.
Can we get your number? Sure.
We're Lakeside 4-7 He's kidding.
We'll hit you with the digits.
Great.
Oh, my God, Peter, did you hear that? What? I'm chewing celery.
I can't hear anything.
They think Stewie's our first.
Ah! They think we're young.
- You're hurting me.
- This is our chance.
Our chance to break away from the Joes and Bonnies of the world.
Our chance to finally make cool friends.
Well, I don't know what you're saying, Lois, but that horse is the dumbest horse I have ever seen in my life.
MAN: It hurt to hear, but deep down, I respected him for saying it.
Finally someone had told me the truth.
And that boy grew up to have a multiplatinum recording career.
Hi, I'm Richard Marx, and I suck at making clay horses, but ask your wife if she cares.
Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here Waiting for you.
(PHONE VIBRATES) (GASPS) Oh, my God, it's from Matt and Kate on that text chain.
Uh, "Heading out for 'ritas downtown with the other young parents.
Meet in 15?" Oh, Peter, we have to go! Now? Peter, look.
The menu doesn't have dollar signs.
It just has a number and a period.
Ah! I feel like I'm in Brooklyn! Damn it, all the employees are wearing regular clothes, so it's impossible to ask anybody for help.
MATT: Griffins.
Uh, you want to sit at the high-seat low-table, or the low-seat high-table? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) How about those four old barber chairs around the operating tables from the state insane asylum? Ah, isn't this place great? Amazing.
Hi, my name is Isaac.
I'll be your server.
Have you all eaten with us before? No, but I get how restaurants work.
Now, what can I get for you, hon? Well, this is us.
Boy, I almost don't want this night to end.
- Me either.
- Well, I got an idea.
You mind if I use your bathroom to do number two? Wow, your place is amazing.
A pool, a spa, and all the lights are on dimmers.
And a digital thermostat.
Oh, my God, it's like we're on a spaceship.
Well, there's an open unit - if you guys are interested.
- (TOILET FLUSH) Is the toilet a bit better in that one? Actually, it's kind of embarrassing, but the toilet in that one is shaped like a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
I don't know, Peter.
It just doesn't feel like the responsible thing to abandon Chris and Meg.
The polka dot top goes with the white bottoms, too, right? Oh, definitely.
Very old Hollywood.
Perfect.
I mean, I guess they are teenagers.
- And helicopter parents, right? - What? Helicopter parents.
It's something I read.
- Oh.
- Now you say it.
- Say what? - Helicopter parents.
Exactly.
Now, I stocked the freezer with plenty to eat while we're gone.
- On the top shelf - CHRIS: But all I heard was Not pizza.
Not pizza.
Not pizza.
And finally, this is calamari.
This is my placenta.
Are you listening? You're gonna want to watch where I point.
- Calamari, placenta.
- Who died again? Meg, listen to the lies.
Nobody died.
An aunt of your father's or mine is very ill.
And why is Stewie going with you? Stewie loved Uncle Grandpa.
Wait, uncle? I thought you said Helicopter parents.
Let's go, Lois.
Wow, they're really gone.
You know what that means.
BOTH: We can finally crate Brian! He tricked us, and we're still waiting on that lasagne.
Chris, that was the trick.
Oh.
He tricked us! Ah, look, we're in apartment 4G.
Like the iPhone.
That's stupid, Lois.
Don't ever say that again.
Hey, how's everything going in there? Great.
We're in apartment 4G, like the iPhone.
(CHUCKLES): That's so twisted.
- Did you make that up? - Yes.
You guys get settled, then a few of us are gonna sit by the firepit and say "mid-century modern" a lot, if you want to join.
- They like us.
- This is it, Peter.
We're gonna vape.
We're gonna vape! It's causing deaths, but not that many yet.
Ugh, I can't believe I ate both Tupperwares of calamari.
(BELCHES, GROANS) But I'm still hungry.
What do we have left to eat? I'm not gonna say we're out of food, but anything still in the fridge I have made love to.
Man, this broom-handle-poked tapioca is delicious.
- Chris had sex with that.
- (SPITS) - Relax, I didn't finish.
- Oh.
All right, Stewie, you have a playdate with Cobain, Siddhartha and Atticus.
And if anyone asks, you have plenty of sunscreen on.
- But I don't - Bye.
Hey, I'm Cobain.
Want a strawberry Quik? Sure, I want a strawberry, but what's the hurry? Stewie Griffin, 4G, like the iPhone.
Ha.
I like you.
Our deck needed a wild card.
Cobain, now that you're my best friend, can I ask you a question? When is nap time? Because it's 2:15, and I'm about to collapse.
Oh, we don't take naps.
No naps? Well, then, when is bed time? - Whenever.
- My God, when do you grow? - We don't.
I'm six.
- You're six? - Why are you so small? - I only eat tofu and seaweed.
- Nothing in a cage.
- You've never had parakeet? No.
Have you? No, but it looks really yummy in the cartoons.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) All right, Peter, we can't look like we don't belong, so when they ask you what you want to drink, just say - "Local.
Micro.
Brew.
" - Local.
Micro.
Brew.
Local.
Micro.
Brew.
Hey, Peter, what can I get you to drink? (BRITISH ACCENT): Give us a drop o' sherry, luv.
- Peter! - (REGULAR ACCENT): I'm-I'm sorry.
I mean Local.
Micro.
Brew.
Hi, we're Lois and Peter in 4G.
I really like your green pants.
Oh, thanks, I found them folded neatly on a toilet.
I-I mean, I I only buy pants from companies that donate the same pair to a Third World country.
Run home with these expired military condoms, Ndugu.
Run and make sure they use them.
("MAIN TITLE (GOLDEN TICKET/ PURE IMAGINATION)" playing) - (MUSIC STOPS) - (GRUNTS) (SUCKING ON TEETH AND CLICKING TONGUE) (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) I found Mom and Dad.
Wait, what? Where are they? Well, first I need to explain how I found them.
Let me start from the beginning.
You know how I operate a small Internet company where I buy and sell chlorine, right? - No.
- Chris' Chlorine? - What? - Chris' Chlorine? Chris, I have no idea what Chris' Chlorine! Stop just yelling that! Well, anyway, my guy at Millennial Village Luxury Apartments was buying extra chlorine this week.
Seems they've been finding a lot of loose burger meat in the pool.
And who do we know that likes to go swimming with loose burger meat? - Oh, my God, Dad! - Bingo.
But more importantly, are you satisfied with your chlorine supplier, Meg? Do you realize that most people don't have a personal relationship with their chlorine dealer? How crazy is that? Chris, we got to go to that apartment building - and bust Mom and Dad.
- (PHONE RINGING) I'm on board, Meg, just got to take this call first.
Christopher's Catamarans.
Been running a side business.
Hello? Aw, wrong number.
Anyway, Meg, are you happy with your catamaran supplier? Shouldn't we be confronting our parents right now? I know, it's so crazy how they moved out of the house.
But you know what's really crazy? Paying big showroom prices for catamarans.
Meg, do you want to pay for someone else's brick and mortar? Or do you want to pay for your own fun and freedom on the waves? I really think that we should be getting back.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Hang on, hang on.
I got to get this call.
Randy's Screen and Window Supply.
That's not another one of my businesses.
I run an answering service.
Although I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I am dying to get into the screen and window business.
If you have an in, Meg, just anyone in the window game I could take to coffee, you know, and just pick their brains about win No, Chris.
I'm sorry, I don't.
Yeah, no, it's cool.
Sorry.
I'm still here.
(PHONE RINGS) Windows and Screens Unlimited, we beat any price.
So, Griffins, what do you think of our little oasis in Quahog? I like it, but I can't believe we're all going to college next year.
Peter, that's too young.
I mean, have you gotten a reverse mortgage - like Joe Namath suggests? - Too old.
KATE: Hey, gang, there's a new couple moving in.
Look at that, Lois.
We're no longer the new couple.
The heat is off.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
That's the guy from the catamaran commercial.
So, you two just moved to the complex? What did you say your names were again? I'm Dylan and this is my wife, Dylan.
Oh same name couple.
That's the dream.
I have an idea, why don't we all play a board game? Great idea.
Have you guys ever played The Wrath of the Star Eclipse: Empire: Twilight of Destruction? Wh-What is that? Is that is that like Sorry!? Um, does Sorry! Have a 900-sided die and its own language of rules? Oh, we love that game.
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Why don't you guys set it up, and we'll get our new friends drinks from the kitchen, huh? What the hell do you guys think you're doing? I could ask you the same question, and I shall.
What the hell do you guys think you're doing?! I'll tell you what we're doing Having fun for the first time in our lives.
And we're not gonna let you ruin that.
Well, we're gonna expose you as the old farts you are.
Oh, you're gonna expose us? Did you hear that, Peter? Don't care, long as you don't pan no nuggets off me claim.
I went way back.
Okay, Peter, your turn.
Uh Why are you looking at your navigation chart when we're still at the beginning of the first build phase? You know what I like to do when I play games? Ask people when they were born.
Pete, you go first.
Oh, that's an easy question.
19 (STAMMERING) Uh, uh, nine 90.
90.
11.
I was born on 9/11.
Well, what about you guys? You seem like a very happy couple, yet I haven't seen you even kiss yet.
This is why I said we should've practiced.
I can't kiss at the moment.
I have raging HPV in my throat.
Compliments of m'lady's Florida sojourn.
What a fun Gen Z time we're having.
We should take a photo.
Lois, why don't you take a photo and AirDrop it to us? Of course, AirDrop.
That's easy.
(GASPS) Oh, whoops.
Dropped my phone.
(CHUCKLES) Peter, can you help me pick this up? What the hell is AirDrop? Is that Wi-Fi? I think it's a medical term for a fart.
Is that the button you hit on the plane? - I never turn it off on a plane.
- How do you ask Siri? I think you mean "celery.
" - Hey, celery.
- It's definitely Siri.
- Yeah, I'm wrong.
- Peter, we got to get out of this.
I'll-I'll just throw up, everyone will have to leave.
- Can you really do that? - Yeah, I taught myself in sixth grade.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Okay.
Okay.
I'm in.
I'm in.
(RETCHES) Aw, gee whiz.
Aw, sorry, guys.
Looks like the party's over.
We'll AirDrop another time.
Ah, Sunday.
Perfect day to dangle my feet in the pool with the other heavier wives.
Ah, loose burger meat on a sunny day.
This is nice, isn't it, Beverly? Bev? Isn't it? - Uh-huh.
- Well, then say it.
Uh, you guys, the Dylans just had the best idea.
What do you say we all go to Quachella with a Q, Quahog's three-day music festival? Oh, music festival, huh? You think the von Trapps'll stick around to pick up their award this time? I don't know about them, but they're gonna have holograms of Tupac and also Nipsey Hussle, who I'd never heard of and then was told to care immensely about.
So, this was the Dylans' idea? Oh, oh, we can't take credit for it.
Any young person would've thought of it.
Do I have to wear a tuxedo like Frank and Sammy or is that just for the people on stage? Hey, Lois, will you snap a 'gram for us? So, the-the button in the middle? Yeah, portrait mode.
Slap on a Hudson filter.
The-the big button? Peter?! Lois, please, I'm doing my Charles in Charge word find.
Now, where are those two Ds for "Buddy"? They-they just left? Huh.
Thought you kids didn't take naps.
Now you're all just sleeping at the bottom of the pool? Oh, my God! (QUIET CHATTER) Guys, we're here.
Yup, there's the local mosquito and gnat population, anxiously awaiting my arrival.
(BUZZING) All right, time for a fallen-arch, flip-flop two-mile walk to the gate.
Uhp, I got a leaf.
(SIGHS) - (GROANS) - (WIND WHISTLES) (SIGHS) Geez, we've been walking for 20 minutes.
You guys can tap out any time.
I know you both have searing IPA sun headaches.
There's ibuprofen in my backpack.
Admit you're old, and it's yours.
No.
Never.
We're getting close.
I can see the stages.
Oh, there's nothing there.
That's just a mirage.
(FAINT CHEERING) The porta potties are a mirage, too.
Thanks for waiting, guys.
I really had to go number one.
Oh, my God, what are we doing? Peter just crapped in the parking lot.
- We can't do this.
- What's wrong? Are you guys not super amped? No! No, we're old! We hate this (BLEEP)! - W-Well, this is a surprise.
- Oh, shut up.
And they're only teenagers, and not cool ones.
If you two idiots weren't wearing terrible Warby Parker glasses, you would have seen that.
- Oh, my God! - (GROANS) Look, we're sorry we lied to you.
We thought it would be fun to act like young parents again.
But you don't have kids to have fun.
You have kids to use as an excuse to never leave the house.
Can you guys at least Venmo us for the tickets? I don't know what that is! And that's okay.
Ha.
Chris, give us the ibuprofen and text the driver to pick us up here.
I don't know how to do it.
Are we done? Thank God.
I'm gonna go get a water at that 7-Eleven over there.
(ENTRY BELL CHIMES) Ugh, I ruined my pants.
Circle of life.
(ENTRY BELL CHIMES) I hated every minute of this.
Well, we had quite an adventure, but I think we learned a valuable lesson.
Isn't that right, Chris? I don't know.
I'd love to stay and talk, but I've got a catamaran client I got to check on.
(GASPS) - Uh, what's going on? - Sorry, Chris.
There's a hungry new player in the catamaran game.
While you were at Quachella, I was building relationships.
That's all the catamaran business is, Chris Relationships.
CHRIS: Losing my best client like that was a real epiphany for me, and I knew immediately that I had two choices: I could give up or I could sneak into a Ramada Inn and wander up to an unguarded podium.
I chose the latter.
And it has made all the difference! ("GLORY DAYS" BY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN PLAYS) Yeah Come on Whoo!