Family Guy s19e19 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: We now return to House Hunters: Westeros.
I love it.
Sold! Be warned, Khaleesi.
The fourth bedroom has no point of egress.
And the HOA is known to be unmerciful.
- Shame.
- (RINGS BELL) Shame.
Trash cans must be off the curb by 10:00 a.
m.
! And pick up after your dragons! Hey, can somebody change the channel? I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovation shows.
- What's wrong with them? - Besides their lack of Kermits? Lots of things.
It's mindless, cookie-cutter entertainment for wish-fulfillment nobodies.
And the more I watch these stupid shows, the more I realize I really love 'em.
Oh, my God me, too! It's the only thing I watch on planes.
No! Why would they pick that house over the ranch-style? It's close to the city center, which, according to these shows, is important.
You know, I bet we could do our own HGTV show.
If those Property Husbands can do it, we can do it.
They're brothers, Cleveland.
They're husbands.
Are you guys suggesting we make our own show instead of going to the doctor for our lethally high blood pressure? - Uh, y-you could easily do both.
- One or the other.
Let's do it.
It'll be fun.
And, you know, we haven't done anything together since we rode that ride at the amusement park.
I feel like, uh, I might be too heavy for this ride.
No, no, they account for all types of people.
You're fine.
- (LAUGHING) - Aah! Help! I'm too heavy! Glenn! I'm too heavy! I'm too heavy, Mr.
Quagmire! I'm too heavy! I'm too heavy, Glenn! I'm too heavy.
I'm too heavy.
I'm too heavy.
Why are you wearing that? Did you go to that John Popper estate sale? No, me and the guys are doing our own HGTV show.
What?! I'm a mom! I love those shows! I would've done that with you.
I'm just sitting here, reading a blank book.
When it's not my story, they give me empty books.
Sorry, we already shot our first one.
Check it out.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: This week on Kitchen House, the kitchen boys take on a four-bed, three-bath craftsman and transform it into a nonsense seven-kitch', no-bath.
But first they meet with some new clients looking to make updates to an old family home.
Okay, the first thing I'd do is take down this wall to open up the kitchen.
Just make this whole room a kitchen.
And then I'm gonna gut this bathroom, pull out all the toilets and make it a kitchen.
Same thing upstairs.
And in the master.
So, we won't have any toilets? Well, sinks are basically toilets.
I mean, th-they're both just holes with water.
But it feels different.
I can show you and you'll see there's a very minimal difference.
Uh, I just don't think I can go to the bathroom in a sink.
That's what everyone says until they do it once.
And then you realize they're both just holes with water.
- Why do you keep saying that? - Because it's true.
Now, let me walk you through my thoughts on the garage.
You see where that car is parked? Imagine that, all kitchen.
Five front doors.
So, the first thing I think when I look at this house is "Not enough front doors.
" And before you ask, this is in no way related to any OCD compulsion I have about needing doors to correspond to each weekday.
Now, let's go buy some doors and big hammers.
Five front doors.
Okay, we got our doors and big hammers.
Now it's time for my favorite part of every job: the demo.
Are you sure Lois said this is okay? Yeah, yeah, it's five front doors, Cleveland.
It makes sense.
All right, start on five: one, two, three, four, five! (GRUNTING) What the hell are you doing, Peter?! - Five front doors, Lois! - Damn it! Did you stop taking your OCD meds? They don't make me feel creative.
Five front doors! Are you gonna at least fix this huge hole in our wall? I mean, we're one step away from being a blue-tarp-on-the-house family, and that's always been my line in the sand.
I'm gonna do what all husbands do when they screw something up: tuck my penis high between my butt and hire a professional to fix it for me.
I can't wait to own a house.
(BARKING) Hey! This is my house! I'm gonna jump forward but backwards to show you how serious I am! (GROWLING) Oh, hi.
If I knew my lap was gonna have visitors, I would have changed my rowing underwear.
Rowing, huh? What are you, the cox? Aw, she's so cute.
Can I keep her? Ah, I don't know.
Can she set up a cutaway? (MEOWS) Can I help you? (MEOWS) And just like that, the Griffins have a cat.
Morning, fam.
What is that thing still doing here? That thing's name is Pouncey.
And she's my cat now.
What do you think, Pounce? Want to split a can of tuna? One can of toon, Ma.
Keep the water.
This suits her.
But we're a dog family.
You guys are okay with this? I stopped making decisions for this family when you bought that Roomba to replace me.
(CHIMING) (ROBOTIC VOICE): Living room complete.
Thank you, Roomba.
You'll never be their mother! I-I just feel like I should have been consulted on this decision to bring my natural enemy into the house.
They may seem like good pets, but they always have ulterior motives.
Well, I think having a cat will be good for Meg.
You'll get used to it, Brian.
Just like I got used to Peter's extra pinky finger.
To another 20 years of marital bliss.
Cheers, my love.
Oh (SNIFFS) Ugh, that finger stinks.
I'm still learning to wipe with it, my love.
(DOORBELL RINGS) What day is it? Is it the Purge? That's not a real thing.
All right, then you answer the door.
Chris, answer the door.
Hello, Christopher.
May I come in? I don't know, I'm just "a dumb kid.
" Or at least that's what I'm told when I ask for fun things.
I want a Zippo! You'll burn things.
Yeah! I know! Cool, just put that on my puzzle.
I never liked this string bean.
What's going on, Quagmire? Before families can officially adopt a cat, someone needs to make sure the animal is being placed in a loving and safe environment.
That someone is me.
Is this necessary? You know us.
Good people can still be bad cat owners, Lois.
- Ever heard of Eric Hoernel? - No.
Oh.
Well, that That would have helped my point a little bit more.
Before I begin, may I see the cat? Hi, you.
Oh such a sweetheart.
Oh.
You.
Are.
Why.
I.
Give.
Up.
My.
Sundays.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.
Now I'm gonna walk through the house and make sure everything's cat-friendly.
Okay, this is a problem right here.
Kind of in this whole area.
Your front windows are west-facing.
That's good.
Will make for very cozy afternoon sun naps.
Still getting a pretty bad vibe from over here.
Lastly, catnip is a Class B narcotic.
It is a drug.
It is a drug.
Yeah, we don't we don't keep any of that stuff around.
Great.
Adoption approved.
(GASPS) Did you hear that, Pouncey? You're officially mine.
Here are all your adoption papers.
It has everything you need to know about owning a cat.
Standard stuff like what to feed 'em, local vets, toxoplasmosis, blah, blah, blah.
Wait, what's toxoplasmosis? Oh, it's nothing.
Just a parasite found in cat feces.
If it gets in your bloodstream, it can make people a little crazy.
It's really nothing to worry about unless you're an owner like Eric Hoernel.
Again, we don't know who he is.
Oh, right.
Well, he wasn't good.
Anyway, congratulations.
Aah! Who put up this tripwire?! Puzzling, isn't it? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Welcome, everybody, to this year's talent show.
And to whomever wrote "hot balls" on my forehead while I napped in my car, I will find you.
I will find you very soon.
Our first performer today is Meg Griffin.
("EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY" BY BLACK BOX PLAYING) Meow Meow - Heh - Meow This is worse.
Ah! Cat butt! What do I do? Where do I look? What do I do? Oh, thank God.
I almost looked right at it.
Ah! I looked right at it! Oh, it looks like a worn-out dartboard bull's-eye! How was Michael Jackson so into this? All right, nobody's home.
Time to go down to the Oh, hello.
Look, I'm-I'm just trying to go downstairs, all right? I don't want any trouble.
Okay.
Good talk.
(CHUCKLES) Having a hard time getting a read on what you're gonna do here.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, I'm totally in your head.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock, you can talk? Uh, yeah.
All cats can talk.
We just choose not to respond.
To anything.
Ever.
So, you choose to be dicks? Yeah.
It's hilarious.
Humans are masochists, man.
You should see how many toys they've bought me.
Haven't played with one.
I just sit in the box.
I knew you didn't really care about this family or Meg.
- So? - So? Pets are supposed to care about their owners.
Cats aren't pets.
Humans are the pets.
And I have big plans for Meg.
Yeah? Not if I expose you first.
It's so cute how you still think you're their favorite pet.
You've been replaced, bub.
I am still this family's dog, and I'm not gonna back down to some cat.
"Fate whispers to the dog, 'You cannot withstand the storm.
' - The dog replies, 'I am'" Ow.
- (SCREECHES) - "The dog replies, 'I am the'" Ow.
- (SCREECHES) - "'I am the'" Ow.
- (SCREECHES) - "'I am the'" Ow.
- (SCREECHES) "'I am the'" Ow.
(LAUGHING) Well, I'd say this is a purr-fect way to spend a Friday night.
Ooh, I'm gonna comment that.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - MAN: Hello, it's Instacart.
I have your $170 worth of ice cream.
PROMO CODE: lonely.
Stewie, I got to talk to you.
Sure, what's up? We were just reading.
(GASPS) Kitty cat.
That's what I wanted to talk about.
She's lying to everyone, Stewie.
Did you know she can talk? Yeah.
We were just discussing our book about Chinese communism with Chairman Mayo.
(MEOWS): Mao.
You're right, you're right.
Sorry, sorry.
No, I mean she can really talk.
She told me that she is using the family for some kind of cat plan.
Brian, have you been watching flat Earth videos? Those always make you mistrustful.
I'm serious, Stewie.
And there are actually some flat Earth models that aren't completely idiotic.
Look, I can't do this right now.
We're pretty into our book about Chairman Mayo.
- (MEOWS): Mao.
- (CHUCKLES): Sorry, sorry.
Get out of here, Brian, you're messing me up.
Meg, I need to talk to you about Pouncey.
It is my duty as this family's dog to protect it when I sense danger.
And I sense danger with Pouncey.
Look, you may be our family dog, but you've never really been my dog.
I'm a punching bag at school and at home.
And there were some days where I could have really used a dog to help cheer me up.
And where were you? Hanging out with Dad or-or Chris or Stewie for your little time travel adventures.
You know about the time machine? Yeah, my room's right next door.
That thing's loud as (BLEEP).
I have a new pet now.
One that's there for me when I need her.
Unlike you.
Okay.
I see.
(MICROWAVE CHIMES) You have a microwave in your room? Yeah, I got tired of people groaning every time I went into the kitchen.
Oh.
You got, uh, Redenbacher's up in there? - Yeah.
- Oh, word? Brian, stop trying to sound young.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, Booger.
- (SCOFFS) Boomer.
- Boomer.
(PURRING) You make me so happy, Pouncey.
This is gonna sound weird, but do you want to dance? ("GOOD MAN IN A BAD TIME" BY IAN HUNTER PLAYING) This is fun, right? Whoa, did this just get super hot? You're mine now, Meg.
Ow.
I like "ow.
" Hey.
Whoa, weird.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm just cleaning my cleats.
(GASPS) Cats, kittens and cats.
Cat lady.
Lots of plastic bags.
Tissues in-in my sleeves.
Velcro sneakers.
Funny dish towels.
(GASPS, PANTING) Good.
Come, Meg.
It's time to go.
Say goodbye to Meg.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - Who's Ned? Knock-knock? Meg, you in there? Look, I just wanted to apologize for the other day.
Hello? What the hell does this say? - Oh, my God.
- QUAGMIRE: She left, didn't she? Quagmire? I heard everything you were saying about Pouncey, Brian, and you were right to be concerned.
I knew it.
Wait, how did you hear everything I said? I put a cat-cam in your house.
It was a repurposed shower-cam.
It's standard cat adoption procedure.
- Is it? Really? - Yep.
Yep.
- The agency knew about it? - Yep.
- Because it seems weird that - Let it go, you prude.
We're losing valuable time.
Sometimes cats do have ulterior motives.
Sometimes, when they find the right person, they enslave them to do their bidding for the rest of their lives.
Someone to take care of all the feral cats in a neighborhood.
A crazy cat lady? - That's right.
- How do they do that? Their poop.
Toxoplasmosis.
It can make people act crazy.
It's a real thing discovered by this guy.
Oh, dear God.
So what you're saying is that everyone who likes cats only likes them because they literally have crap in their brain? - That's correct.
- And people who like dogs just like 'em because they're chill as hell? - That's correct.
- Wow, what a bulletproof fact.
There's still time to save Meg.
There's a big house on the loneliest block in Quahog.
You can find her there.
But go quick.
Once she puts on the fuzzy sweater, it's too late.
You're not gonna come with me? I can't.
- (GASPS) - They have me, too.
(CRYING): Go, Brian, get out of here.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna save our Meg.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Who the hell is Ned? (CATS MEWING) You're doing great, Meg.
Yeah, I feel good.
Like I belong here.
- Will I get used to the? - You'll get used to the smell, yes.
Let her go.
Ooh, oh, it stinks.
It's too late, Brian.
Years of ridicule and neglect have brought me here.
This is my destiny.
Yes, it is.
She needs us and we need her.
And I'm not gonna let you get in the way.
(HISSES) - (CATS YOWLING) - (BRIAN GRUNTING) (COINS CLINKING) (SCREECHES) (GRUNTS) (SCREECHING) (SHOUTS) (SCREECHES) (GRUNTING) Now I'm gonna make you watch as you lose her forever.
Midnight.
Not a sound from the pavement.
- What? - It's from Cats, you idiot.
- Oh, word? - MEG: Brian.
Meg, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Cats are amazing.
But they're also complete dicks.
And you're too young to give it all up for them.
You have a family and a dog who care about you.
I don't.
I have nothing.
I should be the cat lady.
Give me the sweater.
Quagmire, no.
It's okay, Brian.
I'm already gone.
(CATS MEWING) Look, a new day Has begun.
Looks like you were right about cats, Brian.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.
You're a good dog.
No, I haven't been a very good dog to you.
But that's gonna change.
Starting now, I'm gonna be the best darn dog I can be.
Me and the peanut butter are heading up.
See you in seven minutes.
(SIGHS) Chunky's kind of a weird choice, yeah? - Yep.
- Should I pause Hawaii Five-O? Nah, just watch it but don't delete it.