Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s20e02 Episode Script

Of course, police work had its dangers.
Too much heavy drinking, for a start.
Mixing with funny women.
Sounds more like YOU.
I thought I recognised that description.
I could handle myself in a tight spot.
Not while on traffic duty, surely? Tha can handle a pint.
I was Truly of the Yard.
Noted for it.
Good man in a tight corner.
I've had the training, you see.
Credit where it's due, I learned everything I know about inflicting pain from the former Mrs Truelove.
It's nice you have something positive to remember.
He still misses her.
I often wonder who she's mauling these days.
She had a grip like a Doberman.
I've still got the scars.
I've never seen Nora Batty's scar.
I'm not surprised.
Wally hadn't either.
He was married to her for 40 years.
Aye, but Wally were never one for prying.
It's probably my police training, but I feel bound to enquire - how do you know she has a scar? Wally told me.
But he couldn't be sure whether it were on the inside of her left knee or her right knee.
Does it matter? It certainly does to me.
It means I could recognise her even in a swimming costume.
I think we could ALL do that.
How did she get this scar? She fell off Wally's motorbike.
She kept leaning out the wrong side round corners.
He had to get a sidecar.
But he didn't remember which knee it was.
Was he really paying attention? Wally was better with his pigeons.
They were more his size, for a start.
Wally knew all the markings on his pigeons.
Mind you, he spent more time wi' them than he did wi' Nora.
I can understand that.
A handful of corn - friend for life.
But how do you tame a Nora? Where did that come from? Look where it's gone.
What do we do now? Do we get the wagons in a circle? I've heard of a hat with a feather in it, but this is over the top! Excuse me.
Did anybody see where my arrow went? I can tell you exactly! Oh, dear.
Sorry.
I'd no idea there was anybody around.
Isn't there a danger, when you're wearing that outfit, that people might think you're trying to look like Robin Hood? I AM.
Oh, well, then, there's no problem.
You call THIS no problem? I think HE'S got the problem.
I accept full responsibility.
I'll get you a new hat.
When? Well, when somebody rich passes by wearing a hat, you can have his.
Only joking.
We'll replace it from club funds - the Robin Hood Club.
Never heard of it.
I've just started it.
Let him nick thee one.
It'll be quicker.
Perhaps you'd like to join? No, thank you.
No, I'm too old to be a bandit.
Where are your merry men? I'm in the middle of recruiting.
I've advertised, but there aren't that many rushing to live in t'Green Wood.
You live in the Green Wood? Milton Street, actually.
But once I get the lads together, we're off to Green Wood.
How long have tha been an outlaw? Since I took early retirement.
You didn't fancy joining the library, then? I always knew I was going to do it.
It's in the blood, you know.
Family connections.
Your father was an outlaw? So was HIS.
Only cos somebody shopped him.
Probably me mam.
I've traced it all back.
I am a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
Through his auntie, who was a Bristow.
She married this bloke wi' one leg, called Ralph of Mexburgh.
What was the other leg called? I'm trying to be serious here.
Are you any good with that bow? Good? He got tha hat, didn't he? The hat was an accident.
I were aiming at this rabbit.
Well, I'm finished, if he's going after little rabbits.
I haven't hit one yet.
But I'm going to learn.
If we're all living in t'Green Wood, we can't nip out for takeaways.
Maybe they deliver.
We're going to have to keep our whereabouts a secret.
Do you think the authorities care where you are? Not the authorities! It's the missus.
If she knows where I am HE GULPS .
.
I'm in dead trouble.
Just looking.
Just looking at you looking.
You're married to Edie Pegton's girl.
Glenda, yeah.
Always looks to me like a girl people should buy things for.
I expect you're looking for something nice for her.
I was wondering if you had a half set of golf clubs.
Keen on golf, is she? No, it'd be for me.
Oh, that kind of marriage.
No, we're very close.
Not close enough for two half sets? I couldn't tempt her.
Are you sure you're trying? I wondered if you might have anything second-hand.
I have everything for the keen golfer.
I just want a half set.
I thought Robin Hood came from Nottingham.
Yorkshire! He came from Yorkshire.
If he were Yorkshire, why were the Sheriff of Nottingham chasing him? I'm not saying he didn't go to Nottingham occasionally.
Looking for Ralph of Mexburgh's other leg(!) Which had been confiscated for tax.
Before they learned to take an arm and a leg.
I'm not saying he didn't go there ever, but basically he were Yorkshire.
How do tha know he were a Yorkshireman? Because his real name was Hardcastle.
William of Hardcastle.
Billy Hardcastle.
Which happens to be my name.
Robin Hood's REAL name was Billy Hardcastle?! William of Hardcastle.
Billy to his friends, aye.
Then, how come they called him Robin Hood? Well, if you're going outlawing, you don't give your real name, do you? I mean, he's not going to have cards printed! For a bampot, you're very well informed.
Where did you get all this information? Years of research.
And, of course, the dreams.
Robin HoodI'm sorry, Billy Hardcastle used to dream? Not him, me.
MY dreams.
Tell us about these dreams.
Well, at first, I thought that's all they were, just dreams.
It took years before it dawned on me that something was trying to tell me something.
Don't give up the day job.
It were trying to tell me that I am a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
Also known as Billy Hardcastle.
The same.
T'dreams put me on to it.
Personally, I could listen to this rubbish all day, but not without a drink.
What time is it? Don't ask me.
Robin Hood don't carry a watch.
Mine will say three minutes past seven like it usually does.
Mine's stopped again.
I blame the former Mrs Truelove.
Ask them two.
Excuse me.
Have you any idea of the time? Are you sure you don't want the spiked shoes? No.
I only wanted a half set.
Half-hearted.
A discourtesy to the dead golfer whose clothes you've just bought.
You didn't say he was ddead.
You thought he was out there stripped to his underwear? What did he die of? I hope it was nothing unpleasant.
Well, I can't guarantee that he enjoyed it.
Why don't I put the spiked shoes aside, in case you change your mind? How do I look? Are you sure I'm not overdoing it? To me, it says seasoned golfer.
WOLF WHISTLE Should I walk home like this? Come inside and change.
Then you can try on these.
I tell you what, I'll walk home like this.
Morning.
Morning.
Smell that.
Do you know the first thing I think of when I walk into a pub? "Who's buying?" Ah, but technically, I'm a guest here.
YOU invited me.
He's going to make a good bandit.
I think it's my turn.
I'm outclassed.
Four pints, please, landlord.
Excuse me, is there anything strange about this area? Well, there's a couple of pubs you shouldn't get too close to.
She means scary.
Yes, that's them.
Are there any local legends here aboutRobin Hood? Has anybody else around here ever seen Robin Hood? I told you.
It was a warning.
I know it was a warning.
Why else do you think it said have we any idea of the time? Oh, I went all cold.
It was warning me.
It was saying, "Geraldine, where are you with your life?" I'm going to have to tell Frank about us.
No, Geraldine.
Is he any good with that bow? He's fine with the bow, not the arrows.
I'm great.
It's in the blood.
It's in my hat.
He does go on about that hat.
Sooner his hat than a little rabbit.
Suppose I'd been wearing it! Why would he be wearing a rabbit? How many has he had? A gentleman doesn't count.
He's not been BUYING either.
A temporary cash flow problem.
Since 1945! You call that temporary? I made one or two bad investments.
Yesterday at Aintree.
To name but a few.
Why doesn't he show us how good he is with that bow? He's a bit gobby, this landlord.
He must be a descendant of the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Ask him if he knows what became of Ralph of Mexburgh's other leg.
Right, just one quick miraculous shot and then I'll have to be off before t'others turn up.
Watch this.
Let's do it, Billy.
This is where the legend really starts.
Has tha got it the right way up? No tricky questions, please.
Right, then! Oh, Billy.
I'm all right.
I'm all right.
Archery's in the blood.
I thought it was mainly alcohol.
You're doing it for Maid Marion.
Don't tell t'wife.
Tha's got very wobbly legs for a bandit.
They need a firm hand, these bows.
I bet Robin Hood had the same trouble.
This'll be interesting.
Right, stand back! WELL back.
I shall penetrate steel with this.
I'm going to enjoy this.
Somebody keep that sheriff quiet! It's only me.
AAAGH! It's only me! Barry? My own Barry? Yes.
I thought you were a burglar.
Dressed like this? Why are you dressed like that? For golf.
You're leaving me, then.
Our golden days are over.
Nobody's leaving you.
You're playing golf at home? At the golf course.
You promised to love me, Barry.
You know I do.
You didn't say only when you weren't playing golf.
I won't play golf.
You'll only sulk.
I won't.
I won't sulk.
It might look like it, but I won't sulk.
You're sulking now.
I'm not.
Just a bit disappointed.
We haven't been married five minutes, and already you're disappointed.
What did he look like? He was covered all in green.
Sounds like a three-piece suite.
I knew they wouldn't believe us.
I suppose it's too much to expect that he looked like Errol Flynn? Oh, HE was always my favourite Robin Hood, Errol Flynn.
He doesn't look like Errol Flynn.
Why would he leave home when you've just had a new kitchen fitted? I think it's me.
I must've driven him away.
They don't need any driving, love.
They've got leaving home built in.
What happened? Has he started to hide things away in his pockets? He just left.
He took his golf clubs and left.
Well, he's gone to the golf club.
He hasn't.
I telephoned.
He isn't there.
He's wandering out there in the hills, sulking.
With his golf clubs? He could be wandering around with a lot worse than that.
We've got to go and look for our Barry.
How's she lost our Barry? Cos she hadn't a firm enough grip! Not for lack of example.
He IS a bit like Errol Flynn.
It escapes me.
How long have you been advertising for merry men? Quite a while now.
Repeat adverts in Situations Vacant.
What are the wages? Wages? There's no wages.
We have to live off t'land.
You can't feed grown men on the occasional hat.
He does.
He looks a bit like Errol Flynn.
Here's your tea.
Would you like a bun, love? Oh, ta.
I'm going to need more than that in t'Green Wood.
- Men'll look to me for leadership.
I'd better take sandwiches.
- No problem.
What's tha getting friendly with Robin Hood for? Never you mind! Maybe she likes men in green.
My old army overcoat's nearly green.
She doesn't mean mildew, she means the colour green.
It was her favourite picture, Robin Hood, with Errol Flynn.
She never makes ME sandwiches.
She might, if you looked like Errol Flynn.
Sideways, I do look like Errol Flynn.
A short Errol Flynn.
A concise Errol Flynn.
- What would you like in your sandwiches, love? - Whatever's suitable for merry men.
A few potted meat, egg mayonnaise.
But not too many.
They're only part-time.
Part-time?! Part-time! Thou wants somebody that looks like Errol Flynn full-time! What's this, then? This is a genuine antique bread bin.
Ooh, what kind of bread was that? It may have been occupied by ferrets, but they're back in the bedroom.
How much do you want for this? I want something to make me look like Robin Hood.
Robin Hood?! As played by Errol Flynn.
It's a lot to ask for one bread bin.
I've always enjoyed a challenge.
Come on in.
It'll be very quiet in the Green Wood if these people don't turn up.
They'll turn up.
A sense of adventure isn't dead.
Mine is.
We've only got sandwiches for about eight.
Eight'll do.
We can recruit as we go along.
Oh, he's very dynamic.
He's got that in common with Errol Flynn.
Now that we've got the Lottery, who'll be able to live in the Green Wood? What's wrong, love? I've lost my Barry.
He's only mislaid.
He'll come home, love.
He's run away to play golf.
It's serious, then.
Excuse me asking, but why's he dressed like Robin Hood? Ooh, don't you think it suits him? He's on his way to the Green Wood to meet his merry men.
You see, love, there's much worse things than golf.
How long have you been waiting for the bus? Why are we down here? He won't be playing golf down here.
Just cos they're dressed for golf don't mean they're playing golf.
Let's see how many merry men turn up.
We could use 'em to help look for Barry.
Get off! Oh, I hope we've brought enough.
There doesn't seem to be a queue to leave home to play in the Green Wood.
I wouldn't like to think of Mr FlynnHardcastle all alone in the Green Wood.
You can't help him, Nora.
There'd be no plug for your vacuum cleaner.
Oh, look! Being potty is alive and well.
Here's one now.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! He's quick on his feet.
We could use him.
Don't let him get away.
Truly always gets his man.
Come along.
Does he always have to involve other people?! I'll trip him.
You sit on his head.
Did you learn that in the police? Marriage.
Look, there's a tree with a feather in it.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I didn't realise there'd be spectators.
I thought we were a secret bunch of merry men.
What kind of outlaws have spectators? Look at the length of him! That does it, we've got ourselves a Little John.
Promotion already, Smiler.
What does Little John do? Well, he's one of our major warriors.
Couldn't I be treasurer or secretary or something? I mean, there are times when you have to teach them a lesson.
I'm going to stay away from home till tea time.
I just hope she misses me, realises what she's lost.
BARRY! Over here, Barry! If you're an evil spirit, I ought to warn you, I used to go to Sunday School.
Stop being a dozy dollop and come here and give me a leg up this tree.
Oh, it's you.
Why do you want to go up a tree? I'm doing me Errol Flynn, aren't I? Nora Batty's gonna come along here in a minute, and I'm gonna drop out of that tree and give her a thrill.
Well, that looks like it, then, Billy.
The Green Wood gang - you and Smiler.
Still, it's nicer than being alone.
That's what they said about marriage.
Might as well finish the sandwiches.
I can't eat while Barry's missing.
I can.
You've had enough.
How does it feel to be all those merry men, Smiler? He doesn't seem very merry.
We can keep recruiting as we go along.
When's your best days? - Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- That's it, then.
For starters, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Tell your friends.
There's two more coming.
That's four of us, nearly a quorum.
Ee, it's perfect, love.
We can just mingle in with the rest of the merry men.
Nobody said anything about merry women.
Would I be acceptable as a merry woman? They can't refuse you.
It would be against the Sex Discrimination Act.
Ooh, I'd hate to be against that.
You are as entitled as anybody to be a merry man.
Promise you'll not start thinking of me as just another bloke, Howard.
I can promise you that.
HOWARD! Oh, 'eck, it's the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Barry, you keep out of the way, cos they'll be stopping here to give thee a lift.
Then, when I get Nora's full attention, I'll be coming down.
Oh, Barry, you're safely back from golf.
We can't stand here, love.
Just hold me, Barry.
I'd sooner hold you further over there.
Why have we stopped? What is it? This is the full-time Errol Flynn.
Geronimo! It's a good view down here.
Cleggy, I can see the scar.
It's on the inside of her left knee.
Make a note of that.
Oh!