Family Guy s20e04 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Welcome to tumbling class.
Moms, please enjoy, while dads grumble about how much the class costs.
240 bucks for a mat and a room.
Now let's all gather 'round because Stewie is gonna do a somersault.
(GRUNTING) (GROANS) Nailed it.
Well, that's basically fine, and I don't honestly care, so unless there's an unexpected appearance from a rival baby Perhaps I could take a shot.
- (GASPS) - It's Doug! That's Stewie's rival.
What are you doing here, Doug? Eh, thought I'd give this tumbling thing a try.
So what do I do, just fall down like literally anyone affected by gravity? Um, there's a bit more to it than that.
One can't just show up and hope to execute, say, a perfect somers Oh, oh, he's very good! (CHEERING) Hmm.
Something like that? - Wow! - Now that's tumbling! Boys can be good at this till nine, then the whispers start.
Calm down, it wasn't that great.
Stewie, give Doug your shirt and overalls.
He's my son now.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Christopher Nolan's Tenet.
I'm already completely lost.
Dad, can I ask you something about girls? Are you wearing a wire? There's a girl in my class I have a crush on, and I can't get her to notice me.
Ah, now I understand.
Lucky for you, there's a bunch of old movies on this very subject.
Here.
Sixteen Candles.
Can't Buy Me Love, Say Anything all on very inconvenient VHS.
VHS? What do those letters stand for? That information has been lost to history.
Anyway, Chris, just watch these movies and do what the 28-year-old teenagers do.
I guess I could try.
After all, they tried to do Superman in Boston once.
I've noticed that you're never around when Superman's here.
Are are you Superman? What is ya, wacked in the head? I'm Clahk.
Plain ol' Clahk.
Okay, back to our Boston newspaper job.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Spotlight.
What?! (GASPING, MURMURING) Show-and-tell time.
Finally a chance to reclaim my honor after that whole tumbling fiasco.
Next up for show-and-tell: Stewie.
Hello, everyone.
This is a weird seashell that kind of looks like female genitalia that my dad likes.
Lois, where's my she shell? Oh, Stewie took it to show-and-tell.
Well, I hope no one puts it to their ear.
Incredible, right? (YAWNS) Thank you, Stewie.
And, so you know, many middle-aged women have seashells in their powder rooms.
Okay, next up is Doug.
Hello, gang, and have I got some show-and-tell for you.
This is a ticket stub from a PG movie that I got to see in the theater alone.
KIDS: Wow! Also, I've been on a Disney cruise.
Hey, who's this in the picture with Moana? (CHUCKLES): Oh, me? Huh.
- KID: No way! - KID 2: Moana is famously agoraphobic.
Yes, but she's managing it day by day, thanks to CBD oil.
This cruise was a big step for her.
Okay, I think we can all agree that these are very lame show-and-tell And finally, a piece of candy from the London airport.
(GASPS) Aw, a Lion Bar? I'm sorry, did I say "a piece of candy"? More like British candy for the whole class! Drumstick Squashies and rose-flavored wine gums - for everyone! - (CHEERING) Hello, Show-and-Tell National Championships in DeKalb, Illinois, I have a nominee for you.
Dammit.
I'm sick of being one-upped by Doug.
Hurts.
It hurts worse than a trip to the barber shop.
(SCREAMING) This is what babies think happens at haircuts! (KNOCKING) Hello, Mr.
and Mrs.
Burbeck.
Do you have a daughter named Jennifer, who is currently smeared across Highway 9? - Joe, it's us.
- Oh, sorry.
That's my next stop.
Peter, your son was lurking outside a classmate's window with this boom box, playing Peter Gabriel.
He's being charged with felony stalking.
I also tried to use science to make a sex slave from a magazine photo.
Oh, this is horrifying! - Actually, it's the '80s.
- What? Well, it appears that someone has exposed your son to the very problematic teen films of the 1980s.
Peter, tell me it wasn't you.
Honestly, Lois, I have no idea.
My brain can't even think thoughts no more - 'cause of the Internet.
- Ugh, that's it.
From now on, you are an outside Peter.
Go on! Get! (KISSING NOISES) Outside! (GRUNTS) Go to your Peter house.
Go to your Peter house! (THUNDER CRASHES) God, look at Doug over there, throwing a Frisbee with the kindergarteners and a shorter-than-average first-grader.
- Thinks he's so cool.
- Yup.
There must be some way I can finally one-up that guy, and you're clearly looking for cat turds right now.
Yup.
Y Huh? Wait, uh, wait.
- (SNIFFS) Aw, gum.
- Help me out, man.
I need something to win back everyone's attention.
Wait, I know! What if I flip my eyelids inside out? Show everyone what a freak I am.
Huh? I could carve this out.
Right? This could be my thing.
I don't think so, Stewie.
All right, well what if I just, like, do Doug's mom? Uh Y I-I mean, yeah, yeah, that I mean, that would that would pretty much do it.
Awesome! How do you dial a phone or have sex? Or stand up without using your hands? Let me tell you something, Brian (WIND WHISTLES) Oh, no! You said it, relatively-short-first-grader.
That Frisbee is way up there.
I'm too scared to climb up that high.
Me, too, average-height-kindergartener.
That jungle gym dates back to the 1930s, when the lives of children were expendable.
Someone would have to be crazy to climb up there.
STEWIE: I'll do it.
What? I'll climb up there and get that Frisbee.
Doug may be afraid, but I'm not.
Just give me a day to get prepared and gear up, and at sunrise tomorrow, I will climb up there and retrieve that Frisbee.
Or we can ask Spider-Man to do it.
He came to my birthday party.
I know him.
That wasn't the real Spider-Man.
That was your dad.
We could see his hernia popping through the suit.
Hey, Tyler! Heard Spider-Man had a pretty good time at your party.
Don't mind me, Brian.
Just pushing the edge.
Hmm.
14 zippers, if you must know, but it's not about my pants, Brian.
It's about my fearlessness and pants.
Now, I need to plan out every last inch of my climb tomorrow.
If I do this right, I'm gonna be remembered forever, like 9/11 was for a few years.
You're just climbing a jungle gym.
- It's not a big deal.
- Not a big deal? I pull this off, I go down in history! Like my ancestor: The Guy Who Was Hanged Next to Nathan Hale.
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country.
If you kill me, I'm gonna immediately void.
All over here.
All over here.
You, historian, write down both our things.
Hey, Lois, how about we get a little three-way going? - You, me and the seashell? - Oh, forget it, Peter.
After that whole thing with the '80s movies, I'm very upset with you.
Well, can you use that anger in the sex? No, Peter, your '80s nostalgia isn't funny anymore.
It's tired and worn out, and borderline dangerous.
I mean, those old references just don't play the same in today's world.
What you talkin' 'bout, Lois? This! This is exactly what I'm talking about! When are you gonna let the '80s go? Never! The '80s will always be the best decade.
And I'm confident that non-whites and women would agree with that.
Everyone else, too.
And I'm gonna prove it.
Family! Come here conveniently fast, please! - What is it, Peter? - I have decided to prove to you all that the '80s are still relevant and hilarious.
But they're not.
And in keeping with the wonderful 1980s, I'm gonna go upstairs and drill a hole in the wall to watch girls shower.
Peter, in addition to that being wildly problematic, you can't just drill a hole in a structural wall.
Do you even know how to do that? Okay, that's one drywall bit, one masonry bit, one spur point bit, one tile bit, one drill with a hammer action setting, one wire detector, one stud finder, and one grease pencil.
Sounds like someone's drilling a hole in the wall to watch girls shower.
- Oh, big time.
- Did you pull a permit? City hall's next.
BOTH: Nice! I'm all right Nobody worry about me.
(SPLATTERING) Oh, my God! What did you do? He was supposed to get away.
It was gonna be harmless '80s fun.
You killed the gopher! - He's all right? - No! He's not all right! We're all gonna get laid? Dammit, Peter! Stop saying blandly upbeat things from the movie! This has to stop! (SIGHS) You're right.
Man, and I was so sure that stuff from the '80s would still play the same today.
I guess people are only interested in that for 19 seasons.
Hi, I'm Kenny Loggins, and I'm still very interested in '80s references.
Every time Family Guy plays one of my songs, I get a new hot tub for my Colorado deck.
I'm all right Nobody worry about me.
All right, you guys ready to watch some history be made by Stewie Griffin? DOUG: And guest? What the? 11, 12, 13 15 zippers! You've got to be (BLEEP) kidding me! What do you say, Stewie? A friendly race to the top in front of all these kids, plus the red-haired girl from the Charlie Brown cartoons? Aw.
I care about her opinion most of all! You don't care about me.
You just wanted to wear my ballerina skirt.
I especially love her sense of humor and inventive storytelling.
Okay, you're on.
First to the Frisbee wins.
You realize, Doug, we might die up there today.
Then I'll see you in heck.
(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Okay, toughest part of the climb: Dried Booger Ridge.
(STRAINING) (GASPS) The Frisbee! Yes! I win! I'm going all the way Sooner or later gotta love somebody.
Wha? (GRUNTING) Oh, no! Help! Help! Help me! What? We can't hear you! Our voices are very faint because we are so distant! Distant from you, he means! We're not distant from each other! We're standing relatively close together! You probably were already able to infer that, and Connor just wasted everyone's time! My God.
I I'm stuck up here.
Better use my emergency flare.
We've got a flare.
I'm still stuck, but now I have confidence.
(STRAINING) My foot is still stuck, and it's really starting to hurt.
And I know you're going to be insufferable about this.
Stewie, come on.
Right now your safety is what matters.
And you've got an owie in need of attention.
I'm gonna have to radio basecamp for help on my Elmo phone.
ELMO: Elmo love you so much! Basecamp.
Come in, basecamp.
Elmo your friend.
Elmo, we've got a man down.
I need you to connect me with search and rescue.
Please don't believe rumors about Elmo.
(DISTORTED): Just to be safe, Elmo play with you at least 500 yards - from school or public park - I'm having trouble hearing you, Elmo.
- (STATIC NOISE) - Are you there? Elmo? Elmo? Hello? Dammit, I've lost basecamp.
Must be interference from that big storm coming.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) Too dangerous to risk going for help now.
I think we're gonna have to wait it out, Stewie.
Just you and me, and the homeless people who live and copulate in the playground among children.
Yes, we as a society have clearly just decided we're gonna roll with that.
(PETER SNIFFS) Peter, what are you doing? Well, you know how you told me to give up the '80s and find a whole different decade to be into? - No, that's not what I - Well, I'm doin' the 1920s! Not 'cause of legal cocaine but mostly 'cause of legal cocaine.
(SNIFFS) Time to design a very stupid flying contraption.
- (PLANE RATTLING) - Cocaine plane! (THUNDER RUMBLING) Um, why is Dad dressed like that now? Oh, Lord, Peter, did you switch to the 1910s for silent movies? (OLD-TIMEY MUSIC PLAYS) (GROANS) Enough of this! Oh, you are so damned exhausting, Peter! Just 'cause you stop being crazy about one decade doesn't mean you have to be crazy about another! How about you just be a normal human being for once?! Huh? Just be a Be a husband to your wife! Be a father to your children! You're right, Lois.
No matter how hard I try, I'll never find a decade as good as the '80s, like you just said just now.
No, again, that's not at all what I I need to be alone.
If anyone calls, I'll be in the '70s doing the might-as-well-be-legal cocaine.
ANNOUNCER: Cocaine: the winner of the war on drugs.
Thank you for taking care of me, Doug.
Look, Stewie, I want to apologize.
You do? For what? For always showing you up and just being a jerk.
I think I'm just intimidated by your brilliance.
Plus, it's so great you've only got nine hairs.
It probably takes you three seconds to get ready in the morning.
Me, I've got this whole head of hair.
That's not quite as nice as you meant for it to sound, but since we're confessing our insecurities I'm not exactly the, um, I don't know, "slick cucumber" everyone thinks I am.
- "Slick cucumber"? - I mean, sure, maybe on the outside, but I can only wish I had - that slick cucumber deep inside - I'm getting lost, here, Stewie.
Like, sometimes I mention having a supermodel girlfriend in Norway.
Well I I'm gonna be honest, um, she's not a supermodel.
She's basically mid-level, at best.
Like, she's kind of a pocket client at some agencies, but it's so political over there in Sweden.
Thought you said Norway.
Meanwhile, you're this cool kid on the block.
You're all confident.
You can snap.
You mean this? Yeah, that's like bloody witchcraft to me.
Anyway, deep down, I I-I've always wanted your approval.
But now, tonight, you've given me something much more valuable: your friendship.
- Here.
You can have it.
- What? I don't need the Frisbee anymore.
Take it, friend.
I won, everyone! I won! Other kids, Stewie lost, and he deserves our ridicule! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! DOUG: And there was a weird cucumber thing! That son of a bitch.
Come back here! (GRUNTING) Oh, you can do it, Stewie, for sure.
Free your foot, and together we will bump wieners.
But it's stuck, Norwegian Mid-Level Model Girlfriend.
Oh, just untie your shoe, is how.
Oh! Duh! Stewie, when will you free me from this thought bubble hell? Not for a while.
I may need you if I run for office.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) - Stewie! - You were manipulating me.
You were only being nice to get the Frisbee! Sorry, Stewie, but all's fair in love and jungle gyms.
(GRUNTING) (THUNDER RUMBLING) Ha! - Wh-Wh-Whoa! (SCREAMS) - Doug! (SCREAMING) Please hang on, Stewie! I've got this, my friend.
This is when that slick cucumber deep inside of me comes out.
- Oh okay.
- (PHONE RINGING) You're gonna hate me, but I really need to take this.
Don't you dare! But it might be Bruce Lee finally calling to admit that I'm the best at kung fu! - (LINE RINGING) - This is your one chance, Stewie.
I will not call you a second time.
Who am I if I can't reference the '80s? If I can't live in the past, there's no future for me.
Boy, who knew when you stop doing cocaine, - you get depressed? - MAN: Peter.
(GASPS) The ghost of '80s film director John Hughes? Yes, Peter.
I've come to tell you that Lois is right.
You need to let the '80s go.
But I don't understand.
Listen, when we were making art in the 1980s, we were just having fun and trying new things.
Stop recreating the '80s, Peter.
They're gone.
Get out there and make your own '80s.
Today.
After all, life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in a while, - you could miss it.
- Ah! Like the movie! I have to go, Peter.
- Goodbye.
- Wait! Wait! You want to know my favorite thing from any of your movies ever? - Was it the giant pancake? - Yes, the giant pancake! In heaven, are the pancakes big like they are in Uncle Buck? I wouldn't know, Peter.
I'm currently frying in hell.
What?! But-but you were pretty good.
You have to be very good! Doug, I can't hold on much longer.
(GRUNTING) It's been an honor, friend.
(BOTH CRY OUT) Oh.
W-We weren't we weren't very high up there.
No, I guess it just seemed higher to us, because of perspective and what-have-you.
At any rate Hey, gang? Gang! Here's your Frisbee.
Stewie and I got it - together.
- Yes.
Together.
We're different kids from before, so that means nothing to us.
- We had quite the adventure.
- Yes, we did.
And at the end of it all, I, uh I hope we've come to see each other through slightly different eyes.
We certainly have.
Hey, who knows? Maybe someday they'll make a movie about us.
ANNOUNCER: This summer, don't miss Jungle Gym Mountain, starring Chris Pine as Doug - What? - and Paul Giamatti as Stewie.
Come on! Help.
I crapped my pants, and I'm afraid of heights.
I'm out of here.
And Chris Hemsworth as Thought Bubble Girlfriend.
I'll give it a shot.