Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s20e04 Episode Script

Hey, lass, sew us a button on.
Where? You've got buttons missing in places no lady would go unescorted! Don't worry.
It's just on my shirt cuff.
It's quite fit for family viewing.
How come you can't sew a button on? I can! I lost my needle.
I'll give you a needle.
What about thread? And some thread.
Good lass.
Has tha got a button? Have you got a cuff(?) If your tongue had a hole in it, IT could be a needle.
You'd drive anybody to be sharp-tongued! Mind you, I like a woman with spirit.
I know.
I've seen them sup whisky, brandy, anything! That were just Big Audrey.
When can I bring it round? What? Me shirt! Not till you get dressed! Don't go away, dumpling.
TELEPHONE RINGS Hello? .
.
Ah, it's you, Howard.
Cleggy, open your door.
Somebody's coming in.
Well, how do you know? Oh, it's you.
Howard? Oh, dear.
Oh, God.
She sometimes hears me if I ring your bell.
I suppose I should be relieved that you haven't started tunnelling.
OK, house rules, Howard.
I'm taking no messages for Marina.
Nobody's asking you to.
I hardly know the person.
Where did you learn to be such a bare-faced liar, Howard? Pearl's been a great inspiration.
Mm-hm.
I've just called to warn you about a delivery, Cleggy.
I've ordered something by special delivery.
I'm impressed, but why should that concern me? Because I've given your address.
You know, it's for tactical reasons.
If you're getting women by post now It's not a woman! It's just some weightlifting equipment.
Starting weightlifting at your age? Before you start developing muscles, hadn't you better find one first? I'm not THAT old.
I don't see why I can't start pumping a little iron.
Where did you get that?! Two people could change for bathing inside that! It's me granddad's.
Good, solid material is this.
I want you to sew a button on this cuff to stop it falling down.
Feel that material.
They don't make stuff like this today.
I'd forgotten I had it.
I think I'd forget, too! I was using it for bedding.
How did you use that for bedding? Not for me.
For me ferrets! Where's tha going? You want a button on your cuff? Put your hand through me letterbox! What for? I don't want to see any more of you than necessary! I shall feel safer that way.
I'm gonna look a proper wally! I must say you're dressed for it! Has it gone, Mr Truelove? The dog, Mr Truelove.
It's gone, lad.
Don't you like dogs? Well, it It's not so much me not liking them as them not liking me.
Normally, I cross the road and don't go near, but at the moment I'm practising being moreassertive.
It's not altogether working yet.
So people can tell? Looks like dogs aren't far behind.
I'm determined to be more assertive.
Either that or lose out on promotion.
Senior management has to be ruthless.
Couldn't you start with a firmer indecisiveness? When you were Truly of the Yard, assertiveness would be second nature.
That very name struck fear, lad.
But it takes years.
Are you still eating Dolly Mixtures? They're my favourites.
They'll have to go.
Oh.
Right.
Thanks.
This is no way to be holding hands! There's an old Yorkshire custom - any unmarried female that sews a button on for any unmarried male should be regarded as being engaged to that person.
When did you hear that? I thought everybody knew that.
How about giving your fiance a kiss? Oh! I'm really glad that everybody will think it's for me(!) It won't hurt you to be known as a person who pumps iron.
I'll be known as that headbanger next door to that headbanger! Well, I had to.
I can't take it home with Pearl there.
Stop worrying.
I'll give you a hand to take it in.
Oh, thanks(!) That's what friends are for.
Now what are you plotting? I'm just helping Cleggy.
To stand around? He's expecting a delivery.
I'm helping carry it in.
What kind of a delivery? Tell her.
Oherwell It's some hobby material.
That's it.
Hobby material.
"Power iron for the muscle men"(?) Clegg? Delivery for Clegg? That's him.
It's only me.
Mr Truelove is going to help me to be more assertive.
Shut the door, Barry! Sorry.
Now, what was all that about? What did you say? He's helping me be more assertive.
That's nice.
Don't walk away when I'm talking to you! .
.
Please? Barry, was that you? Just practising.
The new me.
Ooh, I like it.
I like it.
But I hope you'll still be kind to poor little me.
Oh, yeah.
You'll be safe enough.
I might get cross with your father if he tinkers with my car.
You will not get cross with him! Just testing.
Oh, I love the new you already, Barry.
I think he'll need a little help.
He wants to become more assertive.
Assertive? Decisive.
Forthright.
Strong personality.
Firm decision maker.
Barry?! I said he'd need help.
There's me.
You're wearing the shirt of a serious person.
Looks like somebody else needs help.
What are they doing? Norman Clegg's in search of the body beautiful.
What's he going to do with it? I'm going to kill Howard slowly.
Now don't be dawdling, lad.
I want you to give an impression of speed and grace.
Oh! I'll say that again - speed and grace.
We're at cross purposes.
It's a long time since I skated.
But look how much leg you've got compared to Torvill and Dean! I was seven at the time.
I was closer to the ground in them days.
Oh, look, don't Don't put your sticky fingers on the goods.
Hold on to me, lad.
You may be as soft as a chamois leather, but you don't wipe as well.
Oh! A tall person.
And on wheels, which must make escaping difficult if not impossible.
That applies to both sexes.
I assure you, I'm only one.
I'm looking for a present to surprise a gentleman friend.
I expect it won't be the first time.
Oh! Is tha gonna leave Howard there? Sounds like a good idea to me.
He'll soon have a hernia to relate to.
I'll be fine, Cleggy.
You can barely lift the manual! Well, I was holding it wrong.
I have the same trouble with Nora Batty.
Well, the pain barrier calls.
Just don't chip the furniture.
If Pearl asks, you haven't seen me.
I sometimes wish it were true! He doesn't mean that.
We've been neighbours for years.
Seems longer.
Good luck with the hernia.
You won't laugh when I'm beefcake! If you ever get mugged, I could probably save you all! I was thinking along the lines of something romantic.
Romantic? What's more romantic than these? They don't look romantic.
What do you do? You call to each other! You're never alone with a megaphone.
How do you think Tarzan found his mate? Did you think all that racket was in his throat? Tarzan had a megaphone? Certainly.
Well, I don't know where he kept it.
With these, you could find each other anywhere.
On the darkest night, in the middle of a forest.
The middle of a forest Not that any lady of good breeding would be there.
How do they work? Just press that button and speak into it.
Testing!! Do you think somebody hurt themself? I don't know, but I could sell them something to help survive accidents.
For all your first aid supplies, visit Auntie Wainwright's.
I didn't realise we were coming to a public house.
Excellent training.
Tha's been in a pub before.
Not for a while.
That was a funeral.
We've all been in pubs like that.
Relax, Barry.
Trouble is, the legs go first.
There's nothing to it, Barry.
It's just like riding a bike.
Stop pulling his leg.
We're not here for big drinking.
We're here to improve your ability to throw your weight about.
I don't know about throw.
Could we nudge it? Right, Barry.
Assertiveness.
First lesson.
We observe that there's nobody behind the bar.
How would you get us some drinks? Well, I'd wait until the landlord came back.
Wrong.
Not assertive.
There's blokes here waiting for a drink! How are you under pressure? Well, I'm fineif Glenda's there.
Here's what you do, lad.
Walk over.
Make firm and forceful noises to attract the landlord.
How do I do that? Just slap the flat of your hand on the bar.
Remembering he's inclined to be a bit tricky.
He gets four stars for hostility.
All the more reason for being assertive.
Put him in his place.
Off you go, lad.
Get the drinks in.
I say? Move him along.
Let's get some action around here.
Give it a whack, lad! No good! Give it some stick! Shop! And don't bring this hooligan again! What is he? Some kind of tearaway? Is this how he behaves between matches? There you are.
It's working already.
Working?! Yeah.
You've never been thrown out of a pub before, eh? See? Progress.
I hope Glenda doesn't hear about it.
Of course she will.
You'll tell her.
Me? Certainly.
It's the new image.
Tell her you stood up to him until he threw you out of the pub.
I can't tell her that! I think it's nice that nose hasn't gone to his head.
Where are you going to push it next? Next? You mean we haven't finished? We've just started.
We've got to keep you fired up now.
Point of order, Mr Chairman! Next time, can we get a drink before we're thrown out? Yes, remember that.
Don't throw your weight about so quickly.
Thank you.
My Barry's being more assertive.
Tell him you've got a headache! Mother! I'm talking professionally.
He's preparing himself for management.
Training himself to give orders.
Did he talk it over with you? He did.
He always does.
We never do anything unilaterally.
I'm sure we never had the option in our day! Or the inclination! It's not something she picked up at home.
It means we discuss everything.
So do we.
I handle the accusations, he does the excuses.
Which is the natural order of things.
As God intended.
You must have talked with your husbands.
You can't overdo it.
They can only absorb limited amounts of information.
But that's awful.
But true.
Have you tried sending them on errands lately? One task is iffy.
You've no chance with two.
Where d'you find a husband who can hold his end of the conversation? They're either reading the paper or watching TV.
They only speak grunt.
And they've only got a vocabulary of three grunts! It's amazing how well they lie.
My Barry can hold a conversation.
No good comes from being glib.
I tried to warn her.
Look what happened to her Uncle Eric.
- Didn't he run off wi? - Pass the sugar! Nobody want a cake? Oh! I feel more confident already.
And it shows, lad.
Yes, especially just there where you spilt a bit.
I don't usually drink more than one.
Me neither.
Just one at a time.
Right, lad.
Next test.
You go over to that car and tell them they can't park there.
Why can't they? You'll think of something.
Another challenge.
It's quite stressful, this senior management.
That's why I never went in for it.
I would have had to give up my grandfather's shirt and my passion for wildlife - ferrets andNora Batty and Well, I just thought I'd mention it.
Off you go, then, lad.
Excuse me.
Sorry, you can't park there.
It's reserved for t'manager.
There's no sign.
It works! It works! It really works! Ah, Glenda will be pleased! Hey! I've told them they can't park there.
He's coming on nicely.
Are you sure? People can't park just anywhere! Go for it, lad! I've told you! You can't park there! Never lead with your nose, lad.
It's a bit of a troublemaker, that nose.
Tha made him regret it.
You were bleeding all over him! What's Glenda going to say? What does it matter? Tha were assertive.
Don't mention that word! Now you sound REALLY assertive! Let us in, Howard! We've got a casualty out here.
You've got one in here as well! You've really enjoyed pumping iron, have you? Is it animal, vegetable or mineral? Don't die.
You'd be impossible to bury in that position.
How am I going to explain this to Pearl? How will I explain this to Glenda? Eheh The former Mrs Truelove had the same kind of natural grace.
Rollerskates! That's the answer! It might be your answer! It's not my blooming answer! If we let the ladies see Howard and Barry on rollerskates, that will explain their injuries.
Am I a genius or am I a genius? Follow me.
Right.
This'll do.
Now what? We wait until the ladies come out, then show ourselves on rollerskates.
Why are we all on skates? It looks suspicious, just Howard and Barry.
I can't even straighten me back! It's a perfectly natural posture on skates.
A natural downhill racer! How about that, Howard? Pumping iron has changed your life.
Suppose Glenda asks why I'm on skates? Tell her to mind her own business! You are assertive.
You'll think of something, lad.
A little flexibility with the truth is a pillar of modern management.
Listen! We can't even stand up on these things! How are we going to skate? We'll all stand close together.
We'll support one another.
Here.
Now, wait for my signal.
Timing is important.
Don't move a muscle until they come through that door.
I still don't see why your Barry suddenly wants to become assertive.
Couldn't you pacify him with a new road map or something? They love road maps.
If they get tiresome, try a query about the fastest way to Ipswich.
It's all part of Barry's resolve to improve his managerial chances.
Well, we all feel he's destined for senior management(!) Steady! Aaaah! CRASH! There must have been a meeting of the idiots' club! I'm afraid I'm rather bent! Mother did warn me.
I seem to have injured me nose.
I loved his nose! Be quiet! There's professional people in this street! What are you doing on skates? I knew you'd ask that.
We're practising for the sponsored skate.
For charity, of course.
I knew my Barry wouldn't be doing anything non-managerial.
Who's this coming at full speed? Looks like we've got a full set(!) What are you lot doing? What are YOU doing driving like a hooligan? - I wasn't! - It didn't sound middle class! No-one will ever notice your nose.
What happened to Barry's nose? All I asked was about his nose.
I hate it when my daughter sobs.
I'll be off, then.
Might as well face the music.
It'll be something frozen for supper.
And that's only our Edie's face! Wesley! Hey! Wait! Come back, Howard! How am I supposed to do that? Be more assertive! Help! Help! Stop! STOP! Marina! STOP THAT LANDROVER! What was that terrible noise? I've brought you a present.
What is it? It's for keeping contact over long distances.
I hope he's all right.
I try to be angry with him, but I thought you were doing a pretty good job.
She likes him! Of course I do.
MARINA: OH, HOWARD! HOWARD: OH, MARINA! I'll kill him!