Family Guy s20e05 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! TOM (ON TV): Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: doing laundry and drinking beer.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry.
Doing laundry and drinking beer? Quahog welcomes Duds & Suds, a new laundromat that serves beer.
So if you want to drink and watch your kid's teacher wash his only pair of pants, get on down there.
- Ah, cool! - We should go! Nothing better than putting on a warm diaper right out of the dryer.
(GRUNTS) - Ah, I'm okay! Let's go again! - (KNOCKING, RATTLING) - CHRIS: Shut up! Shut up! - What's the problem? - CHRIS: What day is it? - Wednesday? CHRIS: Aka, the one day a week I have independent study first period and get to sleep in! - So shut up! - (BANGING) Stewie, when I was over visiting Grandma and Grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool I know you don't understand me, but I understand you.
I found Chi-Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.
I know, I know, I know.
You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day, it happens.
He was always very special to me, now I want him to be very special to you.
- What is she even talking about? - Toy! Toy? Oh, oh, toy! Oh, well, why didn't you say so? - Yay, toy! - Yay, toy! - (BANGING) - CHRIS: Shut! Up! I'm so sorry, Chris! I forgot it was Wednesday! (CHUCKLES): Oh, sorry, where are my manners? Chi-Chi, this is Reuben Uh, Rupert! (CHUCKLES): Rupert! I-I meant I meant Rupert.
You know that.
(INSECTS TRILLING) (WHISPERING): I know it's not ideal that he's here, but I can't just throw him out.
Lois would be crushed.
She has, like, nothing in her life.
Of course I saw his Bible, that's the first thing I saw.
Hey, check it out.
You and Peter have the same undies.
What are you talking about? He just wears run-of-the-mill Hanes.
Yours aren't Hanes? No, mine are Planes.
All pilots wear them.
- Look at that, Planes.
"The perfect underwear for unexpected wind shear.
" - Is that, like, farts? - Yes, that's like farts.
(KIDS CHATTERING) Oh, hello, Doug.
Can I sit here? I don't care.
My stop is next.
I assume you're taking this to the end of the line? Out to the land of cheap rents and tract housing? My stop's pretty soon, too.
What's on your shoes? Oh.
These are called laces.
I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr.
Velcro.
I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones.
Geez.
Why are you always such a dick? Takes one to know one.
Where did you learn that? That's great! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That-that wasn't about you.
I I'm just There's-there's stuff going on at home.
I'd love to hear about it, though fair warning: I know little of lower-middle class plight.
Eh, it's just this new stuffed monkey Chi-Chi's making waves with my old stuffy.
I keep trying to get rid of the monkey, but my mom keeps finding him and I can tell you're bored.
Far from it, Stewie.
I feel for you.
That actually sounds like what I'm going through with Miss Tiggywinkles.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's really wearing on me.
Hey, I just had a crazy idea.
We might be able to help each other out.
- How's that? - Think about it: two fellas meet on a train, and do each other's murders.
I kill Chi-Chi, you kill Miss Tiggywinkles.
Nobody could ever connect us to the crimes.
Crisscross.
You've got yourself a deal! Great.
Well, this is my stop.
No, no, no! You can't! You can't! That's hot lava! Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) That was close.
- Giggity morning, everyone.
Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second? - Sure.
- All right! Peter, what would you like for breakfast? Chocolate chip pancakes.
Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second? So Whew.
(CHUCKLES) Uh, what did you want? Uh, wa-waffles? Yeah, sure.
Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second? I couldn't perform a third time, so we just read.
Morning, beautiful.
I had the Uber guy sleep outside, so he's ready when you're ready.
- But first, a dump so long I will be able to read everything Garfield ever wrote.
(GIGGLES) Jon.
Morning, Captain Quagmire.
Hey, did you know if this plane was a wiener, we'd be the wiener's eyes? QUAGMIRE (OVER P.
A.
): Hello, this is your captain speaking from the, uh, cockpit.
(GIGGLES) COPILOT: Lot of penis stuff from you today.
QUAGMIRE: Quiet, you don't talk.
Now please enjoy this in-flight music I brought with me from my glove compartment.
Ah, well, everybody's heard about the bird B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word.
Guess I'll go for my walk and leave Chi-Chi all alone! (HENRY HALL'S "THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC" PLAYING) If you go down in the woods today You're sure of a big surprise If you go down in the woods today You better go in disguise For every bear that ever there was Will gather there for certain, because Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.
Wow, how far is it from up here? (GLASS SHATTERS) Goodnight Moon? Ugh, God, Stewie's so basic.
Oh, my God, he did it.
Oh, no! I've been out all morning with lots of witnesses, and now this! Chris! Help! For God's sake, what now? So, I was out on my walk with Jane, Ally P.
, and Ali R.
both got disastrous haircuts yesterday, obviously that stays in this room and I just came in and found Chi-Chi like this! Stewie, do you know what day it is? It's the next Wednesday.
I believe you're aware of my Wednesday schedule.
First period, independent study.
Oh, so you are.
And do you remember what I like to do during first period, independent study? - Sleep.
- Sleep! (CHUCKLES): Oh, you're a quick study.
- (ALARM CLOCK BLARING) - (BLEEP) LOIS: Chris, your alarm is going off! I know! All right, time to murder Miss Tiggywinkles.
Oh, never been invited to Doug's before.
Whoa! Chalkboard wall? No way! The only limitation is my imagination.
So fun! GIRL: Stay right here, Miss Tiggywinkles.
Dougie will be home soon to play.
(DOOR CLOSES) Beat it, you don't want to see what I'm about to do to Miss Tiggywinkles! Get away from me n (GASPS) Oh, my God! I can't read! (DOOR CREAKING) - (GRUNTS) - Here you go, Miss Tiggywinkles.
(GASPS) Miss Tiggywinkles is a real cat! (INHALES DEEPLY) You know what? I can do this.
(PURRING) I can't do it! I can't kill a cat! Unless you were in the movie musical with Rebel Wilson? I can't do it! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Baywatch.
All right! There he is, the reason our lawn looks like it has leopard skin pants.
What's up with you lately? You've been acting really weird all of the sudden.
"All of the sudden," Brian? I think what you mean is "all of a sudden.
" Ladies and gentlemen, that's the author in the house.
What's your problem? Why are you being such a jerk to me? My problem with you? Let's see, where do I begin? You accept food, clothing and shelter, yet no responsibilities.
You constantly want to sleep with my wife, who is an angel.
Oh, and the hypocrisy.
You claim to be an ally to women, but I bet you don't even know Nancy Pelosi's official title.
Sure, I do.
She's, uh Chuck Schumer's secretary.
Forget it, Brian.
Now, can you strap me to this milking table? My wife will be home soon.
Stewie Griffin, do you want to tell me why you didn't hold up your end of the bargain with Miss Tiggywinkles? Seriously? Maybe because you failed to mention she was a real, living cat.
Hey, I killed your monkey! Don't you see how that's different? We had a deal.
No, I know.
(STAMMERS) But I just I d I don't I don't think Boy, this is really gonna hurt your reputation with my kindergarten friends.
You have kindergarten friends? (CHUCKLES): Oh, yeah.
I let them throw pinecones at me all the time.
But now I'm gonna have to tell them you welshed on me.
(SUCKS TEETH) Kindergartners hate welshers.
Kindergartners, eh? You know what? I'll do it.
Good choice, Stewie.
Hey, m-maybe after all this is done, I-I could get kindergartners throwing pinecones at me? (CHUCKLES): Whoa, slow down, champ.
They start you at driveway pebbles.
Ah, Brian, just the man I was hoping to see.
You don't like cats, do you? - I hate 'em.
- Sit.
Three of Lois' sweaty jogging bras.
Have I really been that good of a boy? That depends.
I got a cat problem.
You get rid of my cat, this is all yours.
- Done.
- Go ahead, boy.
(SNIFFING) Oh, yeah! She ran fast because Bonnie was watching.
What happened to you? I'm not really sure.
I was in line at the bank, and this human-sized chicken cut in front of me.
Well, I wasn't gonna let that stand.
I had a weird day, too.
I asked, like, seven people if they were gonna watch the SpaceX launch.
And I-I don't even know what that is.
Hey, you two are both acting very strange, and I think I know what it is.
He's wearing your underwear, and you're wearing his.
How do you know that? Well, you know, when some people go blind their other senses are heightened.
When I lost my legs, I gained a sense of underpants.
What are you talking about? We didn't switch underwear.
Are you sure about that? Stand up and let Jojo flip your taggies.
Turn around.
Butt-to-butt.
Hanes.
Planes.
(LAUGHING) Whoo! What the hell? We must've accidentally grabbed the wrong ones at the laundromat.
Oh, so your boys were where his boys were.
And your boys were where his boys were.
BOTH: Oh, my God! Hey, what are you guys talking about? Peter and Quagmire exchanged underwear.
Ha! Classic! Me, I don't wear underwear.
I just wear trunks.
Tree guy.
That'll hit you when you're driving home.
Hey, look at this table.
What are you guys talking about? Oh, hey, I-I, uh I didn't I didn't know you take out trash, too.
Yeah, I-I, uh Only on trash days.
No, right, of course.
Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry.
I-I - (KICKS GROUND) - (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES): I'm not sure what to say.
(CHUCKLES) I know.
It's awkward.
I thought things would go back to normal after we traded underwear yesterday.
(PLAYING "TAPS") I'm gonna have Lois cancel our dinner plans with you and Ida tomorrow.
I-I think it's too soon.
Hey, you don't think the guys are talking about us, do you? Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
I still can't believe they wore each other's underwear.
Like, can you imagine? I know, right? Like, icky times a thousand.
Hey, this is crazy, but what if we wore each other's underwear, just for a joke? What? No, that's a terrible idea.
Yeah, just-just joking.
So stupid! Can I be done now? (DOOR CREAKS) Okay, you go in there, kill Miss T, and we'll sneak out the back.
You need a weapon or anything? She's a cat, I'm a dog.
I'm good.
- (BRIAN BARKING) - (RATTLING) (MISS TIGGYWINKLES SNARLS) (BRIAN GROWLING) - (RATTLING STOPS) - (BRIAN GROWLS) (MISS TIGGYWINKLES MEOWS) (LOUD MEOW) It went poorly.
Thanks again for having us over, Lois.
Zesty Italian? Oh, I-I just couldn't.
Not this close to bedtime.
(WHISPERS): You said you were gonna cancel dinner.
(WHISPERS): I have zero control in my marriage.
Whoops.
(CHUCKLES) I dropped my roll, which is not at all an invitation for Peter to have an under-the-table conference.
Ha! Darn thing's always coming off.
Excuse me for one moment, won't you? Why did you do that? You dropped all the bread.
What was I supposed to do? Okay, that makes sense.
So, I went to the underwear doctor and you should probably get checked.
They say when you wear someone's underwear, you're also wearing the underwear of everyone whose underwear they've worn.
I can't believe this! I thought I knew you, Glenn Quagmire! (CHUCKLES) Here I go again, filling up on ears.
What's going on here, you two? You're being very rude.
Lois spent all day overcooking this meal.
We accidentally wore each other's underwear.
(LAUGHING) I can't believe you wore each other's undies! (LAUGHS) This is hysterical! - (BANGING ON WALL) - CHRIS: Shut! Up! Oh, it's not even Wednesday! CHRIS: It's Tuesday night! That's part of it! Guys, this isn't funny! Relax, Peter.
It's no big deal.
You don't get it! Oh, quit being so dramatic.
Ladies switch underwear all the time.
I might be wearing Bonnie's right now.
I don't even remember.
While that is super sexy and being stored for later, it's very different for guys.
That's not true, male friends can be more intimate than they used to.
- BOTH: Nope! - And the lines of sexuality - are more fluid than ever.
- BOTH: Nope! And people aren't so quick to judge or label.
Please stop.
Masculinity just doesn't account for stuff like this.
Look, guys can share laughs and beers, but we don't share feelings, emotions, or underwear.
Between male friends, there's no coming back from this.
He's right.
I'm afraid our relationship is on the skids.
Maybe there's hope for the future, but things now are too spotty.
I just don't know if there's any front-to-back to this.
Our reputations are smeared.
If I wasn't so yellow, maybe I'd push harder.
But, hey, we had a really good streak, huh? What's going on out there, Dad? We accidentally wore each other's underwear, so Mr.
Quagmire is moving.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, obviously one of you would need to.
Peter, this is completely ridiculous.
Babe.
What's done is done.
Look, I don't have a lot of friends, it's kind of a problem on the show.
But if I did, I would never let anything come between us, especially a pair of underwear.
You know what, Lois? You're right.
Now go tell him not to move.
Quagmire, I just want to say that you can wreck a good pair of underwear, but you can't wreck a good friendship.
That's nice, Peter.
Underwear should never come between two friends.
Well, it kind of should.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah, yeah.
It kind of should, yeah.
Will you help me move my stuff back inside? Only if I can do it half naked and in front of all our neighbors.
Not my first choice, but okay.
Miss Tiggywinkles, wake up! You've got to get out of here! Oh, my God, you're dead! - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Well, what do we have here? Stewie Griffin, cat murderer? What? You psycho! You killed her? Maybe I did, maybe she died of natural causes.
The only thing that matters is that now I have the goods on you.
Oh, that's a terrible photo.
Would you mind doing it again? (SHUTTER CLICKS) Aw, yeah.
That's cute.
Can you send me that? No.
Give me that picture! Hey, Doug.
Sorry about your kitty.
I guess the pet store didn't have a men's department, huh? - Uh, well, I tried to get a - (SNORES THEN GROANS) Hey, I don't want to be too tired to drive home.
Does this story have an ending? Later, losers! I'm five! (HORN HONKS) - Who is that? - That's Tyler.
He's, uh, kind of my Doug.
Boy, we all get a Doug, huh? Yeah, Tyler's Doug is a drunk stepdad.
- Yikes.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm glad everyone's back in their regular underwear and everything's back to normal.
Me, too.
And thank you for cleaning the milking table.
Well, we had quite a week as well.
We sure did.
I mean, you got your ass kicked by a cat.
Well, it was really more of a draw.
Yeah, whatever.
Hey, you want to end the show with a "To Be Continued" meme?" I-I don't even know what that - (BAZOOKA CLICKS) - (LOUD BOOM)