Family Guy s20e06 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! "Happy Birthday, Dog"? Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store.
Have a good one, Brent.
Thanks for having us, Peter.
I don't recall inviting Kevin, but sure.
His name you remember! I think it's ridiculous to have a party for a dog.
Why spend money on something he can't even comprehend? This ball is nuts.
Hey, happy birthday, Brian! Bonnie and I got you a big stick.
Wow, thank you! I'm gonna take it into the kitchen and I don't foresee having any issues with that.
Okay, I can make this work.
Think, Brent, think.
Uh, Joe, isn't that the same stick we gave you for your wedding? You told me it was a magic wand.
I pointed it at a bus, the bus crashed, that's all I'm saying.
Happy Birthday, Brian.
I got you a card.
On the front it says, "Too much sex ruins your eyesight" and on the inside it says, "Happy Birthday," but all blurry Oh! I gave it away! It also says, "Love, Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob.
" A joke that good doesn't celebrate just one birthday.
Well, fellas, I'm off.
Old Joe's got a big stakeout this week, so I'm gonna practice by watching the party from across the street.
"Those who doubt the wand's power suffer the wand's wrath.
" Leviticus 26:12.
Was anybody gonna wake me up for the party? It's 6:30.
I went down at noon.
Now I'm gonna be up all night, watching bad reality TV.
We now return to uber driver: Ninja Warrior.
First, he's gotta swing on the gold chains across the cologne bath without dropping his e-cigarette.
Next, he's gotta pick up a ride share customer.
Now he's gonna be late, but he's going to make it seem like the passenger's fault and not his.
Where the hell have you been? I been here, man.
Maybe you press wrong button.
I don't know.
Now don't talk to me.
I'm on four different phone calls.
Hi, everyone, Peter Griffin.
Welcome to the roast portion of the evening.
Ladies and gentleman: my son, Chris.
Born on the highway, because that is where - most accidents happen.
- Peter! But we're here to talk about Brian getting another year older.
You know, I hear he can't even bury a bone these days without Viagra.
Ha, all right, all right, I can take it.
And they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I heard Brian just learned how to roll over and beg for an erection.
Okay.
That's sort of just another jab at my penis, but sure.
On the positive side, Brian's latest book was a real page-turner.
Yeah, I turned the pages into toilet paper.
'Cause Brian's old now and can't satisfy women through intercourse.
Peter, I'm fine.
Are you sure this isn't about you not being able to perform on your anniversary? I told you that in confidence! Whoa, slow down, buddy.
It's snack time, not Black Friday.
Nobody's walking outta here with First Wives Club on Blu-ray, okay? Nice as that sounds.
I heard there's a special feature on the Blu-ray that's just Diane Keaton shrieking the commentary.
Huge, if true.
Actually, Stewie, there's something important I sorta need to talk to you about.
Okay.
I recently found out I have cooties.
And you're telling me why? Well, I mean, uh remember last week? When we ate from the same Play-Doh? He likes bread and butter He likes toast and jam That's what his baby feeds him He's her loving man Well, I like bread and butter I like toast and jam.
Stewie, listen.
I just think you should get tested, okay? What? You mean I played with the Play-Doh everyone you ever played Play-Doh with played with? I've been played! Can I have a chocolate milk with my snack today, please? What? Honey, the chocolate milk is the snack.
Hey, Bonnie.
Is Joe around? - No, he's on his stakeout.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Tomorrow's Chris's Career Day, and Joe's hat is a key element of what I do.
So that's how I became Quahog's first ninja cop.
- Questions? - Yes.
- Mister - Officer Hi-yah.
Did you park in the handicapped spot? Ninjas don't have cars.
Well, it's gettin' towed.
Oh, no! My Chevy Cruze! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Man, something smells good in here.
You cooking brussels sprouts? No, I just farted.
That checks out.
Anyway, somethin' else smells good.
I think dinner's ready.
I didn't hear a ding.
That's how I always know to run into the kitchen, shove a napkin in my shirt and hold my utensils upright at the table.
Well, I made it in the oven, not the microwave.
You want a little taste? Holy crap.
That's the best thing I've ever had.
You know, I usually cook for one-and-a-half, but Joe's still on his stakeout.
You want to stay for dinner? Ah, man, I'd love to, but it'd be wrong.
I always eat dinner with Lois.
Aw, you sure? You can sit in Joe's dining harness if you like.
How's he get into that thing? We have a large array of medical-grade cranes and pulleys that lift him.
- Man, that must make the house ugly.
- It does.
All right, I guess I could text Lois.
But just this once.
Okay, we're good.
So, how long have you had Invisalign? - You can see it? - Yeah, I mean, it's just a name, not a fact.
Okay, Stewie, think positive.
The test results will be negative.
Chin up, bud.
Incontinence is really not that uncommon at your age.
What underwear do you recommend? Depends.
Sorry, old joke.
Now, get out of here and go have some fun.
Make some fake skin out of dried glue, would ya? All right, who's next? Oh.
Stewie.
Come in.
Okay, I just want to verify some medical history here.
- Any recent boo-boos? - No.
Any ouchies or uh-ohs? - No, nothing like that.
God.
- Good, good.
And how many boogies would you say - you consume in a week? - Oh, God, maybe, like one.
Maybe two during the holidays.
Maybe.
Stewie, I'm your doctor.
I can tell just by looking at you that you're eating more than that.
I'm thinking you had one just on the way here.
What? Okay, I did! I'm sorry.
I've just been so nervous about these test results.
Well, that's understandable, seeing as how you did test positive for cooties.
What? That's terrible! I think you need to get your affairs in order.
I don't have any affairs! I'm one! Well, then you're ready to die.
- Did you say something? - Me? No, just humming.
It's part of my alternative cooties therapy.
Did you know you can literally vibrate disease out of the body? No, I know the opposite of that.
Oh, Brian.
You'll see.
When you get this close to death, your whole perspective changes.
I got your meds, honey.
My father never loved me, but Stewie He take good care of me.
- Who was that? - That's my 20-year-old nurse.
He's wearing homemade sandals.
Yeah, he has no medical training.
Stewie, aren't you being a little dramatic about this cooties thing? Brian, this is the Flintstones cocktail I have to take every day.
17 Barneys.
18 Wilmas.
I have to take the Bam-Bams just to keep things moving.
Does this seem dramatic to you? Yes, incredibly.
Stewie, I found one! Come look! He likes to find frogs in the garden and then show them to me.
His simplicity keeps me young.
Peter, what's wrong? You don't have an appetite.
I'm gonna get one, just give me a minute.
You've barely touched your dinner.
Lois, the more you talk about it, the more it's gonna be a whole thing.
Just let me focus here.
Okay, okay, that's working.
Mmm, oh, this is better, Bonnie.
Did you just call me Bonnie? No! God God, no! We all heard it, Dad.
Hey, Chris? 'Kay? Got it? Well, what if I spiced it up for you, Peter? I-I think I saw a take-out mustard packet in the key drawer.
That's a water bed for my army guy.
What if you spun the plate around, Dad? Tried it from behind? Meg, go to place.
Ugh, do I have to? I said "go to place"! Anyway, Lois, I think it's a non-starter tonight.
I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, look at pictures of barely-legal Russian food on my iPad, and then go to bed.
Okay, we're rolling.
Hi, I'm Tony Award winner Stewie Griffin-Styles.
- What? - It's called manifesting, Bri.
Anyway, everything I have and own is being left to Rupert in a trust for when he gets sober.
And no, Rupert, getting high is not getting sober, I don't care if you found the one AA group in town that tells you otherwise.
Brian, are you getting my right angle? You said you wanted it from the left side.
You want it from the right? The left angle is the right side.
Okay, back to one.
Stewie, you got a letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Oh, my God, they've accepted my application! I'm gonna get my final wish granted! I get to meet the Philadelphia Flyer's mascot, Gritty! Gritty, Gritty.
Gritty.
I'm not going to pee in a cup for you, so stop asking.
This was supposed to be my day and you're ruining it.
You'll Venmo me for this, too, I suppose? Oh, Brian, I'm glad you're here.
Me and a bunch of other buff cooties victims are gonna shut down the third floor of a Bloomingdale's tomorrow.
What do you think? She's alive, right? Stewie, come on, this is ridic Do you mind this music, Bri? - Do you like opera? - Not really.
Oh, Bri, you really haven't heard "The Wheels on the Bus" until you've heard it in its original Italian.
Le ruote del bus Il turno Il turno Enough, Stewie! You've taken this whole thing too far.
I'm washing my hands of your cooties.
Which, had you done in the first place, might have prevented all this.
You see, Rupert? That's why I'm glad you stopped drinking.
You were that ugly.
Yoo-hoo.
Anyone home? - I'll get it.
- No, I got it! Aw, they sure do grow up fast, don't they? Chris, have you masturbated today? - No, ma'am.
- Well, get up there.
And don't come back till you're What's for dinner? What are you doing here? My family's right inside.
I thought you might want some lunch.
Joe's still on his stakeout and I know you like wagon-wheel pasta.
Of course I like wagon-wheel pasta.
I'm an adult with a developmental disorder.
Man, that smells good.
Okay, fine.
But, we gotta do this quick.
Right here against the wall.
Hey, Stewie, I wanted to apologize for last night and also maybe charge my phone What the hell? Hello, Brian.
If you're watching this, it means you couldn't find your phone charger and came in to use mine.
Man, am I that predictable? Yes.
Yes, you are.
Anyway, I can see that my disease has become a burden to the people I love, so I've decided to take a bus to Vermont to have physician-assisted suicide.
- What? - I've left two suits in my closet, and this is very important: the black is for the wake, the wool is for the 'Gram story.
Two suits, Bri.
Two looks.
That's what people would expect of me.
Oh, my God.
This is terrible.
Okay, don't look at the tags, that's tacky.
Well, I'm not telling you that, but not cheap.
I don't care about the suits! Anyway, you were a good friend, Bri.
Oh, and if they make a movie about my life, don't let Jim Carrey play me.
Unless he gets his eyes done.
Even then, though Ugh, hard maybe.
What have I done? This is all my fault.
I drove my best friend away and now he's alone and dying on a bus somewhere.
Oh, also, you can have my penis enlarging machine.
It's in my closet.
Ah! Did you look? Will you will you text me if you looked? Hey, guys, have you seen Stewie? No.
Have you checked his Instagram? Of course.
"Felt a little trepidation about killing myself, "so I went to a Phish show in Burlington to push me over the edge.
" That's it.
He's in Burlington! Thanks, Chris.
Long days, short years, huh, Meg? Chris! Masturbate! Jerk! This is seriously the best turkey I've ever had, Bonnie.
Looks like Joe's home early.
What? I ate most of his dinner! He's gonna be so pissed.
I better hide.
Hey, Bon, did you know there's a difference between Tenth Street and Tenth Avenue? Anyway, I may have bonered the stakeout.
Aw, thanks for pre-chewing my meal, babe.
The food shuttles out of my cloaca much easier that way.
Time to let these dogs out of their cages.
Bon, would you turn on my foot fan? I gotta create a distraction so I can get out of here.
Oh, God, Peter's texting me about going to the Clam.
That guy is getting insufferable.
And that dumb Shaquille O'Neal GIF! It's like, we get it, it's humorous for a man that large to act playful.
I thought so.
So, anyway, I'm gonna go dump all this completely undigested food out of my bag, into the toilet.
If I time it right and close my eyes, it almost sounds like real diarrhea.
This can never happen again, Bonnie.
Time for a poignant, cinematic farewell.
I don't like when Bill Murray is serious.
Hang tight, Stewie, I'm coming.
Is that Is that Bernie Sanders? Ha! Goes to Vermont once.
Ah! How'd you get in here? I was propelled by a heart attack.
Now, let me talk about wages while the corners of my mouth fill with mung.
Are your glasses always that smudged? I haven't used a wipey cloth in 35 years.
You know who uses wipey cloths? Billionaires! I-I'm sorry, I agree with everything you say, but can you just say it softer? Ooh, someone at Coachella must have said my name three times.
Goodbye! Wow, Lois, this smells amazing.
Yeah, it's eggs and garlic.
I microwaved them till they were mixed.
Oh, oh, they're beautiful.
I love them.
Well, I'm just glad to see you like my cooking again, Peter.
What do you mean? What other cooking would I like? Bonnie's? You saying I've been eatin' at Bonnie's? Okay, fine, Lois! I've been eatin' dinner at Bonnie's! I think we should have another baby.
That'll fix this.
Peter, I don't care.
You don't? No, it's less food for me to make and besides, you know, these things happen in all marriages.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into the other room and sing Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud.
" No! No! Stop it! Stop it! Nope! Nope! Can't afford it! Well, what can we afford? "Black Betty" by Ram Jam.
Whoa, Black Betty Bam-ba-I am, whoa, Black Betty Bam-ba-I am, Black Betty had a child Bam-ba-I am, damn thing gone wild Bam-ba-I am.
Almost done, Stewie.
Do you have an email address for our mailing list? Uh, no thanks, I'm about to kill myself.
Stop the procedure! Look Stewie, I know I've been hard on you, but it's only because I've been struggling with my own mortality.
What? But you're perfectly healthy.
Stewie, I celebrated my tenth birthday this week.
In dog years, I'm 70.
It's all I can think about.
That's the age people shrug at when they see it in an obituary.
Wait, T.
O.
, you're 70? Do you get regular peels? You look great.
Yes, I've got a great gal, we'll talk.
The point is, I felt like my life was ending, but I was wrong.
When I was driving up here to the clinic, I saw the leaves change.
I tapped a maple tree and milked a cow.
I-I tried fresh cream for the first time and went to a writer's retreat.
I met Margaret Atwood and we foraged for wild mushrooms.
Wow, sounds like you were in a real rush to get here.
The point is, I've got a lot of life left in me, and so do you.
Easy for you to say.
You don't have a terminal illness.
Oh, for God's sake, you don't have Brian, what are you doing? Don't touch that! That's the infected Play-Doh! Brian, no! Stop! There.
Now I have cooties, too.
And I don't care.
You you don't? We all have cooties, whether it's illness or loneliness or turning 70.
Nothing is promised.
We could get run over by a car.
Or struck by lightning.
We could be hit with an unprecedented pandemic that the government is slow to recognize, woefully unprepared for and then mismanages with reckless incompetence.
But that's all the more reason to appreciate the time we do have.
I mean, look around! Look at this room.
It's beautiful.
Bri, did you eat those mushrooms you found? Yeah.
You actually look like a very old witch right now.
But I'm also just happy to be alive and you should be, too.
You know what? You're right, Brian.
Too bad you can never get that on the page, but that's profound.
Hey, I changed my mind.
I don't want to do the procedure.
My life isn't over.
Why, I've only just begun.
Stop it! Nope! Nope! Nope! Can't afford it! Well, what can we afford? Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-I am Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-I am Black Betty had a child, bam-ba-I am Damn thing gone wild, bam-ba-I am.
Yeah, you, first question.
Go ahead.
Meg was noticeably absent from the episode.
- Was that a team decision or - Yeah, I'm not going to be answering any questions about Meg.
We'll be dealing with Meg internally.
- Over here.
- Do you think we'll be seeing more of Peter and Bonnie teaming up? I thought it played pretty well.
Uh, we'll have to look at the tape on that and, uh, make a decision moving forward.
Yeah.
You guys used to be on at 9:00, now you're on at 9:30.
What happened with that? All right, I'm done here.
This suit cost $40,000 and I'm throwing it away after this press conference.
Okay, over here?