Family Guy s20e07 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! So this is sports.
Where's the hosiery? Hi.
I'm a 15-year-old wild card, and Well, let's get you a gun already! Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're finally doing something positive for your health.
What do you think about this treadmill? Yeah, this one's good.
Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta.
Excuse me, sir Oh, oh, you're helping someone else.
I'll be with you in one second.
Yeah, no, no.
You're busy, I see.
Help him, then help her, then whoever's after them.
I'll just wait here and feel the running shirts.
Sir, do you need help? I'm waiting for Josh.
- (LOUD RATTLE) - What the hell? Peter, what the hell is that? It's my new pitching machine, Lois.
And look, it can turn our car into a silly tank! Watch me nail Cleveland.
(GRUNTS) CLEVELAND: I got one, too, bitch! All right, Chris, time for your old man to teach you how to swing a bat.
But I've been playing Little League since I was seven.
Oh, that's all right.
After all, this is about father-son bonding and not about hitting you in the nuts to get on America's Funniest Home Videos.
Wait, why are you pointing the pitching machine at my crotch? Ah! Hey! Come on, Chris.
You and me up there at AFV in boxy, six-button suits.
The kings of 1991, just for one night.
ANNOUNCER: Or will it be "Two Balls One Strike," submitted by Peter Griffin of Quahog, Rhode Island? And the winner is "Fainting Groom," sent in by Kevin and Lisa Tarczynski of Berkley, Michigan.
(ALL GASP) "but it turns out, the real Dianetics was the friends he made along the way.
" (SIGHS) Uh-oh.
Stand back.
The pitching machine is the only plumber we'll need.
(PIPES RATTLING) (BOTH SCREAM) (ALL SCREAMING) And I'm waking up outside again.
Got to sleep to grow, guys.
Got to sleep to grow.
Oh, thanks for letting us stay here, Daddy.
We'll be out of your hair as soon as the house dries out.
You know, Carter, we don't mean to be a bother.
Why don't we just stay at a hotel, and you pay for the hotel and it should be the LEGOLAND hotel? I'm not giving you money for almost drowning my daughter and grandchildren.
Besides, I have to leave town for a couple days, and I need someone I can trust to look after the place.
Where's Babs? Why can't she do it? I don't know.
The ransom note didn't say.
Daddy, I didn't know you were leaving town.
- Where are you going? - Ah, just some funeral.
I'll be back in a couple of days.
I left food out for the butlers, just change their litter boxes tomorrow if you think of it.
A funeral? Who died? Just a (STAMMERS) just an old family friend.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, a family friend? Was it someone I knew? All right, look, I didn't want to say anything, but it was Meredith, your old nanny.
Meredith? Oh, I loved that woman.
I was so sad when she quit.
Wow, Lois, you were lucky to have a nanny.
My mom just left me with a radio possessed by the former owner of our home.
Can I have a snack? RASPY VOICE (ON RADIO): You're sitting where I died.
Why are you even going, Daddy? People always want the richest person they ever worked for to attend their funeral.
They'll be, like, "Oh, my God, a rich person! I guess it's okay he's talking on his phone.
" Well, I can't miss Meredith's funeral.
Yeah, I'd better go, too.
But I need you to watch the house! Oh, Peter and the kids are more than capable of watching the house.
Kids? They're staying? - But they love funerals! - Peter, enough.
Daddy, I'm coming with you.
(SIGHS) Fine.
Ass, gas, or grass? - No one rides free.
- I guess gas? That's what all the prudes say.
Did you know this house is so large there's a 12-second echo? What are you talking about? The acoustics are such that it takes the human voice 12 seconds to bounce back as an echo.
That's ridiculous.
Not even the Grand Canyon has a STEWIE'S ECHO: Did you know this house is so large there's a 12-second echo? - Ridiculous, huh? - Okay, I'm hearing it now.
- (ECHO CONTINUES) - Well, next time, maybe don't doubt me when I tell you the acoustics are such that it takes 12 seconds for the human voice to travel.
I think we should hang some blankets in the hallway.
STEWIE'S ECHO: Ridiculous, huh? BRIAN'S ECHO: Okay, I'm hearing it now.
- (ECHOING VOICES CONTINUES) - Guys, I have a great idea.
(ECHOING FLATULENCE) That's weird.
That fart was from yesterday.
Great idea, Peter! Listen, I was thinking, what if we make some extra cash by turning this place into a hotel? PETER'S ECHO: Great idea, Peter! Awesome! We're all in! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go apologize to the hotel towels for what's about to happen to 'em.
Men, tonight you will have one last night of peace.
I won't lie to you, a hotel guest has no regard for your life.
That means some of you will not be coming back.
Those who do will never be one color again.
Now, here are your assignments: Anderson, you're late-night vomit.
Russo, you'll be in the ladies' room.
- Ooh! - (WHISTLES) All right, knock it off, at ease.
Edwards, you're gonna be folded into a monkey at the foot of the bed, and then (BLEEP) on.
Look at Edwards, he's into it! - Ooh! - At ease! Well, it'll be nice to have a little road trip together.
Yeah, we never had a lot of daddy-daughter time when I was young.
You were always so busy.
Not now, kitten.
Oh, look! That's just like the pond Meredith used to take me to.
(SIGHS) I miss her so much.
Yeah, I could always talk to her when I was having a hard time.
(CRYING) Lois, what's wrong? All the kids at school said I'm MADtv funny and not SNL funny.
Oh, Lois, kids can be so mean.
Have you ever heard the story - of "The Ugly Duckling?" - No.
Well, there once was a young duckling who had a hard time fitting in, just like you.
And one day, that duckling went off to college and created a website to rate women.
Then he made $100 billion and mined user data to rig an election.
Wow! So am I also gonna be a billionaire making websites? No, but you'll use his site to post pictures of wine and passive-aggressively body-shame other moms.
All right, for this hotel operation to work, we all got to pull our weight around here.
Chris, you'll be the affable but dim bellhop.
When you say, "Help those people with their bags," I'll ask, "How high?" Brian, you'll tend the bar and dole out snappy tidbits of advice.
All right! Stop by Brian's Bar for some drinks, thinks and winks.
(CHUCKLES) We can we-we can pitch on it.
Uh, Meg, you'll handle all the dish washing, floor scrubbing, laundry, and anything else that involves breathing in chemicals.
And I'll be the concierge, astutely learning everything there is to know about our guests.
That will be my one task.
Well, that and looking out for Dunstons.
- What? - Dunstons.
They'll check in.
They'll check right in.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING) Ah, and here come our guests now! STEWIE: First to arrive is Tom Tucker, here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce with his annual bender.
Doctor Hartman and his overbearing mother.
They never travel apart.
If he could just meet the right woman, he'd find the independence he needs.
Ah, Principal Shepherd, newly single.
Lost half the school in the divorce.
The Librarian, never married.
Adult Disney woman.
First kiss was with a boy at theater camp who would one day get beaten up by David Hyde Pierce for being too fancy.
I say, Brian, do you know what these guests need? STEWIE'S ECHO: First to arrive is Tom Tucker, here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce Damn it, I guess the blanket fell down.
Well, I've got 12 seconds.
What these guests need is someone to arrange a little romance in their lives.
And I'm the perfect man for the job.
After all, I do all of Kevin Spacey's matchmaking.
So, you're not interested in having sex with Kevin Spacey? Oh, good, Kevin's going to love that.
Hey, you know anything about podcasts? I've been getting into podcasts.
That's great! I love podcasts.
Which ones are you listening to? I really like this one called Cereal.
(LOUD CHEWING OVER RADIO) SARAH KOENIG: That was corn flakes.
Or was it? The answer at the bottom of the bowl isn't always what you expect.
I'm Sarah Koenig, and this - (LOUD CHEWING) - is Cereal.
(ENGINE STOPS) Dad! Dad! I-I think I mixed up Mayor West's bags with Bruce and Jeffrey's! BOTH: Leather chaps.
Saddle.
Bullwhip.
Rope.
Sheriff's badges.
Saddlebags.
Saddle soap.
Fancy boots.
- Yep, this is ours.
- Yep, this is mine.
All right, Brian, I've devised a way to get the Librarian and Doctor Hartman together.
You see, I've prepared a batch of Martha Stewart's chokiest scones.
So when the Librarian eats one, she'll start choking, and Doctor Hartman over there will save her with the Heimlich maneuver.
Here she comes! (CHUCKLING): Oh, these are going to go straight to my thighs.
Now if only I could find a man to do the same.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Ooh, these are a little (COUGHS) These are a little dry.
(COUGHS, LAUGHS) (COUGHING, CHOKING) Okay, remain calm.
I've done this before.
Stop, drop and roll.
(CHOKING, COUGHING) N-No, wait.
No, wait.
I know this.
Okay, remember your medical training.
"If a patient chokes on food, do the tummy-squeezy move.
" Yep, that-that-that's it! (GRUNTING) (GASPS) You-you saved my life! Oh, how can I ever repay you? Money? SHEPHERD: May I have your attention, please? I believe you dropped this.
The blueberries are still intact.
Shame to let something so sweet go to waste.
Oh! Thank you, sir.
Uh-oh, Brian, looks like we've got a love triangle on our hands.
I'll treasure this forever.
(CHUCKLES): Well, don't wait too long.
It'll liquefy from the enzymes in your saliva.
(BOTH LAUGH) Okay, last load.
Chris, will you help me fold these sheets? - Sure, sounds easy.
- They're fitted.
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING) All right, I got to find a bathroom because that's mostly what life is after 60.
- (QUIET CHATTER) - (SCATTERED CRYING) Oh.
Excuse me.
Oh, no, it's my fault, really.
I have a brain thing where I go blind every 45 seconds.
Hi, I'm Jacqueline.
I'm Meredith's sister.
Really? Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
I'm Lois.
I-I'm so sorry for your loss.
Meredith was my nanny a long time ago.
Oh, is that right? Oh, that well, that's so nice of you to make the trip.
You see, Meredith Dark, darkness, darkness, just ride it out.
And we're back! Meredith loved her time as a nanny.
It's a shame she had to give it up after the affair.
Affair? I know.
We try not to talk about it.
Some rich guy in Rhode Island.
(SCOFFS) They were seeing each other, but then his wife found out and forced him to fire her.
(GASPS) So that's what happened.
Tragic, isn't it? She had nowhere to go, so she came back here to our childhood home of ThreeStatesAway.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe the Earth is round, so that's me.
Oh, excuse me, the funeral director is here.
I'm trying to avoid paying him.
Daddy and Meredith had an affair? That's why she left me! Oh, this is horrible.
- I have to call my husband.
- (PHONE BEEPS) PETER: Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Lois.
- Peter?! - I'll transfer you.
- (HOLD MUSIC PLAYING) - (LINE RINGS) CHRIS: The Spa at Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Mom.
- Chris?! - I'll transfer you.
- (HOLD MUSIC PLAYING) - (LINE RINGS) - MEG: Pewterschmidt Hotel laundry.
- Meg? - Mom? - Yeah, I'll transfer you.
Daddy, you had an affair with Meredith? How could you? Lois, honey, you don't understand.
The horn part in "Sussudio" gave your mother a headache that lasted five years.
What was I supposed to do? Yeah, I don't want to hear it.
Do you have any idea what that woman meant to me? While you were off working or golfing or God knows what, she was at my piano recitals or-or teaching me how to tie my shoes.
She was the only person in that house who was really there for me, and you took her away! Well, what was I supposed to tell you, how many Viagras and what position? Six, and something I call "The Old Pocketknife.
" Evening.
I'm looking forward to the doctor being in.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) Hello, there.
Maybe I could see you between periods.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) Looks like you've got your hands full.
(CHUCKLING): You're telling me.
I just don't know what to do.
Well, who do you think I should choose? Well, if it were me in this situation, I'd just go along for the ride and see what happens.
That's it? That's your advice? Well, it's just what I You know, I'm trying to take some agency in my life, and you're over here telling me to just "see what happens.
" - That's not helpful.
- Threesome? (GASPS) Excuse me? Uh, not with me! With me? Before we begin our service, I'd like to remind everyone that I became a priest after my divorce, so yes, I have had intercourse.
- To start things off - (WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY) - Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight? - (WHISPERING) Oh, I misheard that completely.
I've just been told that a special friend of our Meredith has made a long trip just to be here today.
I'd like to ask Lois Griffin to say a few words.
(MURMURING) That's the daughter of the richest man the dead lady ever worked for.
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.
I, uh, I-I just wanted to be here today to say goodbye to Meredith and thank you.
Thank you for raising me, and-and-and for being there when no one else was.
That's why I was so hurt when you left, and I always held it against you, but now I realize I-it wasn't your fault.
You know she can't hear you, right? But no matter what happened, Meredith, thank you for being my teacher.
Even today, you're teaching me that the people you love most of all can still betray you.
And now, a reading from Paul's letter to the Corinthians.
"Dear Corinthians, camp is good.
"Yesterday we had hot dogs.
"Please send strawberry Big League Chew but wrap it in a towel because we're not allowed to have it.
" - Amen.
- ALL: Amen.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (ENGINE STARTS) - (PHONE BEEPS) - Hey, it's Pewterschmidt.
You still have that all-night construction crew? I need a favor.
Hey, you owe me.
I picked you up from LAX.
You have to do anything I ever ask for the rest of time.
(STRING QUARTET PLAYING) (LIVELY CHATTER) Ah, there's our belle of the ball.
And she's chosen a suitor! Well, you two look happy.
- How'd you decide? - Money.
But I do feel bad for leaving Principal Shepherd all alone.
Oh, you leave that to me.
I may have one more clever scheme hidden up my sleeve.
(BOTH GRUNT) Oh, my.
(LAUGHS) This may be one of my ocular migraines talking, but I see fireworks.
Can I ask, is that licorice on your breath, or is that just my licorice breath bouncing out of your mouth? Why don't you get in here and find out? (MOANING SOFTLY) (BRAKES SQUEAL) Wha Oh, are we home? Why aren't we going up the driveway? Come on.
I have to show you something first.
(GASPS) - Daddy, what is this? - It's yours.
I had to call in a favor or two, but it's all for you.
I figured you can come here to sit whenever you miss Meredith.
Daddy, this is beautiful.
I'm sorry, Lois.
You were right, people you love can betray you.
But if they're rich enough, they can buy apology ponds.
Thank you, Daddy.
(PHONE CHIMES AND BUZZES) Oh, no, Rafael, the old gardener, died.
I have a story I have to tell you and, spoiler alert, you'll be getting another pond.
Well, Dad, I guess our hotel worked out, and we actually made a decent profit.
We sure did, son, but we still got work to do.
Hi, everybody, I'm your karaoke host, Peter Griffin.
I will be up here far too many times tonight.
Just a quick reminder to all of you that even though we haven't started yet, there's already an hour and 45-minute wait.
So go ahead and write down the song you want to sing, hand it to me, and I will let 15 musical theater people go before you.
Remember, no repeats.
We want to give everybody a chance to sing, although there will be the same rotation of five people up here over and over doing duets.
All right, who's ready for me to kick things off and then go third and sixth?