Family Guy s21e03 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Welcome to our home,
and thank you all so much
for coming to celebrate
our dear Lois and her wonderful husband,
uh, Peter.
I know Carter wanted to say a few words.
Poor, unfunny, fat.
Oh, and the sprinklers come on at 4:00.
I don't know how to change that,
so we have until then.
Beautifully said.
Wow.
Lot of years for us.
Uh-huh.
Hey, so what do you think about dinner?
Oh, God, I'm so tired
of thinking about dinner.
I-I don't know.
Well, what are you in the mood for?
Okay, that's just another version
of the same question.
Oh, I've collected nine finalists
for our new end table. We should talk.
Will each one be instantly
overcrowded by three items?
- Absolutely.
- Great.
So where did we land, dinner-wise?
If I could have everyone's attention,
it's time to present Peter and Lois
with a very special anniversary gift.
Yes, we really went all out this year.
Okay, "we" is
an insane characterization,
but here it is.
A brand-new Range Rider!
That's it? Aw, crap.
It looked so much bigger
in the SkyMall magazine.
QUAGMIRE: That's a rookie move, man!
Lois, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
realize it was a toy car
for a child. I can
It's fine, Daddy. Really.
I-I bet Stewie
might enjoy playing with it.
Will there be, like
a replacement gift or no?
That's very sweet, Lois.
Always thinking of others.
Amazon gift card?
It's the thought that counts, Daddy.
And it was a very nice thought.
$20 bill cupped in a handshake?
I'm gonna go change
out of this wet suit.
Mwah.
Wow! A white Range Rider SUV!
Hey, what was Ari's wife's name
on Entourage?
Eh, can't remember. Doesn't matter.
I'm Ari's wife.
Good work today, Mom Bathing Suit.
See you on Labor Day.
Nah, I'll wash it off.
It's my fault
for over-guac'ing the chip.
Aah!
Aah! Joe! I'm in here!
Sorry, I didn't realize!
♪
(GASPING)
I'm sorry! I'm leaving!
Ugh. I feel more violated
than Ms. Pac-Man.
(8-BIT MUSIC PLAYING)
So, Lois, you would not believe
the night Joe and I had last night.
Oh. Really?
Yeah. It was easily some of the
best sex of our entire marriage.
And for the first time in nine years,
Joe was able to achieve manhood.
You know, without a pill,
a shot or a pump.
Oh, you-you don't say.
It was crazy. I can't even count
all the different positions
Joe let me carefully arrange
his limp body into.
Oh, wow, I'm so happy
you two were able
to rekindle that spark.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Whoops, got to go.
I've got lunch with the girls.
W (CHUCKLES) I thought
I was one of the girls.
You're one of the gals.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Oh, no. What am I gonna do?
I bet Joe was only able to do it
'cause he was thinkin' of me.
Chris?
I've been caught,
but I'll never be sorry.
Boy, I went hard at my fat guys'
wrestling club today.
(SLOSHING)
I understood that with
great reward comes great risk.
♪
Hey, Bri, check out my new "hwhip."
Pretty cool, huh?
You might even say it's a cool hwhi
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Aw, you're no fun.
I will say though, seems like
you're really embracing
the Range Rider lifestyle.
Oh, this thing's the best.
J.D. Power and Associates
called it the best car
for slamming on your brakes
at a crosswalk while texting.
Would you believe this is the same model
Reese Witherspoon
yells at her husband in?
I would believe that, yes.
Look! You can even change
the navigation system
to be her voice.
WITHERSPOON: I am an American citizen.
Turn left at the light.
The only thing is, eight different
people spoke to me in Farsi.
I think they just assumed I'm Persian.
Seems right.
There's a whole section
of the owner's manual
that's very anti-Israel.
Aren't you forgetting your dry cleaning?
Oh, Carmen will get that.
- Who's Carmen?
- (GASPS) Oh, my God. You're right.
It's Rosalita.
That stays on this curb.
Rosalita! ¿Cómo está?
- (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
- I'm Sarah McLachlan.
And for just one dollar a day,
you can help save one of these
abused and terrified grips
from The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Whether it's a teamster
sobbing in his car after work
or a camera operator having a
sandwich slapped out of his hand
just for making eye contact,
they need your help.
So, please, give today.
Because no one should
have to spend Thanksgiving
watching a millionaire try on sweaters.
Kids, you really got to clean
the dog poop off your shoes
right when it happens.
It's so much harder
to get it off once it's dried.
You're more than welcome
to return to the workforce.
I think I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪
I think I'm cleaning diarrhea ♪
I really think so. ♪
(HUMMING THE TUNE)
♪
(GASPS)
♪
Hey, Bon! You busy?!
BONNIE: Should I get the pump?
No need!
Let's do this!
Lois Griffin, you are
adding spice to that marriage.
Wow, look at me, making a
difference for those in need.
Would you like to add a dollar
to your bill to fight cancer?
No. I gave a disabled guy an erection.
Okay.
Now time to work
some of that magic on my man.
PETER: Hey, Lois! Lois, check it out!
I think James Cromwell is on
this Little House on the Prairie.
(SHUDDERS)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(SIGHS)
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING SULTRILY)
Actually, what do you say tonight
I turn the TV off and turn you on?
What are you, drunk?
And where are the Wet Ones?
You know I need a cautionary wipe.
Stop throwing 'em out
in the bedside trash!
- I don't!
- The hell you don
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I mean,
it's all right.
Let's not talk about that, hmm?
Let's talk about how steamy
it's getting in here.
Ah, that would be
a Bertucci's burp cloud
with a Mr. Pibb fart cloud chaser.
Hence the need for Wet Ones.
(SIGHS)
Hey, uh, while you're in there,
will you sign Meg's permission slip
for the Historic Slater Mill?
I left it at the foot
of the toilet between my shoes.
WITHERSPOON:
I don't have to show you my ID.
I'm Reese Witherspoon.
You have arrived at your destination.
Oh, thank God.
Stewie, you-you got
you got my texts.
Yeah, didn't so much "get" them
as was "panic-startled awake" by them.
I just I really am
is in no condition to drive home.
It was dog trivia night.
People kept buying me shots.
I-I almost (GAGS)
Oh, God. Oh, pull
Uh, pull over! Pull over!
- (GAGGING)
- Aah! Are you gonna puke?!
Aah! Not in the car!
Here, here, aim it into this TCBY cup.
(PANTING)
(SIGHS)
Okay. Okay.
(GAGS) Okay. I'm okay.
- You good?
- Yeah. Sorry. For a second
Aah! No! In the yogurt cup, Brian!
No, not on the seats!
The cup! The cup!
(PANTING)
Look, this is gonna sound racist, but
- Stop.
- No, no, hear me out. It's just
- Stop.
- All I'm saying is
- Stop. Stop.
- It's j
Norwegians can't dance.
Oh. That's actually not as bad
as I thought it would be.
It is clearly he has not seen me dance
around the skensen tree
on Julaften for true, ja?
Ja, we can do hopping
like lutefisk in the almond pot.
ANNOUNCER: Family Guy
We googled Norway for this joke.
I manage the entire
Teacher Appreciation Night
and I'm supposed to accept
second vice president?
They are disrespecting you, Donna.
They are disrespecting you.
No doubt. What about you?
Did the airline give you
the Miami route yet?
They say I'm "next in line."
They are disrespecting you, Glenn.
They are disrespecting you.
Okay, see you next week.
Yeah, you will.
And thanks for signing my Facebook
petition about the speed bumps.
We'll get 'em.
What the hell?
All right, Joe,
it's showtime.
What is she doing? It's not even sunny.
♪
Oh, my God. She's putting on
some kind of weird show for Joe.
This is a betrayal.
Peter deserves to know.
He deserves to know right away.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Ugh. Don't make me do a voice call.
I'll fire him a text down the line.
Hey, thanks for coming out
with just me, Peter.
There's something very important
I need to talk to you about.
(GASPS) Am I
adopted?
What? No. What?
Are you getting divorced?
I'm not even married.
We're moving again, 'cause of the Army?
Well, it's a big move up for me
and you're gonna get
your own room and
I mean, no! No!
That-That's not Look, look.
What I'm trying to tell you
is I saw Lois strutting around
your front yard,
basically putting on a sex show for Joe.
And he was into it.
What? He-he was?
Are you sure?
Trust me, Peter, when it comes to sex,
I know what I'm talking about.
L-Like, did you know 46%
of people picture someone else
when they're having sex
with their spouse?
Wow, did you read that in an article?
No, I do all my own research.
(MOANING)
(QUIETLY): Who are you
thinking of right now?
Um, Chris Pine.
- Huh. He's doing well this cycle.
- (MOANS)
Damn it. I'll teach Joe to ogle my wife.
Oh, hey, Peter.
What are you clenching
in that fist there?
- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
Well, that was sadder
than what I was going for.
Well, least it's over.
Oh, God, those are all
"final notice" wheelchair bills.
Not a good day for Joe.
Not a good day for Joe.
Peter, this is insane.
I can't believe you would
beat up your own friend.
Well, can you blame me?
After the sick show
you two were putting on out there?
Fine, Peter.
So what if I was putting on a show?
At least someone was in the audience.
And maybe ask yourself why
I'd even feel I have to do that.
I come out of the bathroom
in my underwear last night
and all you want to do
is look at James Cromwell.
It was weird. He had most of his hair.
You don't find me attractive anymore.
Oh, come on, it's not you it's time.
After all these years of marriage,
your naked body has pretty much
no effect on me anymore.
It's basically like staring
at a chair from the DMV.
Well, sue me for trying
to help reignite the passion
in another couple's marriage.
I can't seem to do it in my own.
That's not what you're doing.
You're flaunting yourself
in front of the whole neighborhood
just to boost your own ego.
(SIGHS) All right, Peter,
I'll be honest with you.
We're moving again, 'cause of the Army?
What? No. We're talking about Joe.
Oh, right. We're moving again
'cause Joe's in the Army.
- (GROANS)
- I don't want to move to Omaha.
My friends are here.
What is this?
What do you think you're doing?
Not that it's any
of your business, Lois,
but I'm fighting fire with fire.
Now, if you need me,
I'll be chopping wood out front
when all the stroller moms go by.
♪
Oh.
- That's right, ladies.
- Oh, my.
- (GASPS) Oh.
- I'll be here all morning,
turning small pieces of wood
into even smaller pieces of wood
for no reason.
Okay, so, for purposes of the claim,
what was the cause of the accident?
Yeah, I don't know how that thing broke.
Well, I see your neighbor
has a Nest camera.
That was from a previous attempt.
I thought I looked hot,
but then the paperboy laughed.
Un-Unless you think it worked?
Sir, I'm just trying to find out
what happened with the window
and head home to eat a Runeberg torte,
a dessert from Finland.
Oh, yes. Named after
the Finnish national poet,
Johan Ludvig Runeberg.
ANNOUNCER: We kind
of fell down a rabbit hole
on those countries up there.
Okay. Any better?
(SNIFFS) Well, now I just smell
Febreze and vomit.
Stupid dog.
Seems like having a car is a real pain.
God, it's the wors I mean, no way.
Having a car is a dream.
And having an expensive car
you're constantly terrified
about getting dinged or dirtied
That's, like, the best thing
you can hope for.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Uhp, text from Brian.
"Let me know
if you're going on a Tums run."
Ugh, so passive-aggressive.
"Do you need Tums?"
(SIGHS) All right, Chris,
as long as I'm going,
do you need anything?
Well, if you're going on a Desenex run,
I wouldn't say no.
Do you need Desenex?
Only if you're going on a run.
(CHUCKLES): Hey, Joe.
I was wondering if you needed
to borrow a cup of sugar.
No, thanks, Lois.
And, also, that's not how
the sugar thing usually works.
Well, I just
Lois, you can stop
with the phony excuses.
I know why you've been doing
what you're doing,
and I think it's better if you stop.
But, Joe, I just
Look, I've given this
tremendous thought,
wondering if the reason
I became so excited
by all that's happened
is that Peter's a good friend
and perhaps the affection you two share
was briefly channeled towards me
as a reminder and renewal
of the importance
of maintaining a deep sense of
wonder and curiosity about life.
But then I realized it was
mostly about seeing side-boob
that was not my wife's side-boob.
It just has to be different.
I can't stress that enough.
But-but I'm okay with that, Joe.
Sorry, Lois. I can't do this to Peter.
But please know that you
have done a great service
for my and Bonnie's sex life.
Oh, I understand.
Bye, Joe.
- Say, Lois.
- Yes?
You're not going on a catheter
run, by any chance, are you?
Do you need me to get you catheters?
Only if you're going on a run.
Stop kicking my seat!
That's it! If I have to stop this car,
there'll be no popsicles!
Probably-probably no popsicles.
La, la, la, la ♪
Simple life on a big wheel ♪
Very unencumbered. ♪
(SIGHS)
Aah! Rupert!
Rupert, talk to me!
How many fingers am I holding up?
Two? No, it's three.
Okay, the thumb isn't a finger
You're right.
So glad you're okay to point that out.
Still, I thought I'd lost you.
Oh, this car has brought me
nothing but trouble.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
I don't know.
I just parked it on the street,
and when I woke up this morning,
it was gone.
Well, this Nest camera footage shows you
dousing it in gasoline
and setting it ablaze.
I have Nest Cam footage of you
pleasuring yourself in our hedges.
Is a check okay?
Yeah, I did a good thing
for Joe and Bonnie's marriage.
It's not about me, it's about them.
And if I could do it for Joe
I can do it for a whole hospital wing
of disabled veterans.
Lois Griffin, reporting for duty.
What possessed you
to impersonate a nurse
and give seven addled Korean War
veterans sponge baths?
I'm a sexually desirable woman!
Peter? Wh-What are you doing here?
I smushed my thing up against
the glass of a Lululemon.
I'm really sorry for
all the stuff I said earlier.
Oh, me, too.
It's just, after all
these years, when I look at you,
all I see is dealing with the kids,
figuring out meals,
going through the mail.
It's great that Joe could see
you like you used to be,
but, for me, it's getting harder.
No, it's my fault, too.
I've taken us for granted,
a-and it felt so nice to be seen
as the person I used to think I was.
Truth is, eventually,
I'd probably get bored with any woman.
Might as well get bored
with the woman I love.
Well, I can sit here and tell you today
I'm as bored with you as I've ever been.
I love you.
I love you, too, Lois.
- (GASPS) Oh!
- Wow.
You know, I've never seen you
in a nurse's outfit before.
(CHUCKLES): And I've
never seen you dressed as
Prom Night Tarzan?
I'm a Chippendales dancer.
Oh, Chippendales.
I know they have a big cover charge.
How much is the uncover charge?
For you, it's $35,
'cause you didn't bring enough people
to qualify for the group rate,
but it does include
a $12 bottle of Costco champagne
that we're gonna tell you is worth $100.
Why? But Peter, you're bad at this.
No, no, you argue back
and then we get all hot.
I'm raising two children alone
in a single apartment.
Okay, I'm back in.
Boy, you really made
some mistakes in your life,
haven't you, you little piece of trash?
(MOANING)
Uh, there's someone else in here.
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell?
Principal Shepherd? You're in here, too?
Yeah, I got into a slap fight
with the Applebee's hostess
because they wouldn't turn on Fox News.
Y-You know what,
we'll wait till we get home.
(CHUCKLES) We're so sorry.
For what? I didn't tell you to stop.
Um okay.
(MOANING)
Oh, Peter!
PETER: Oh, Lois!
SHEPHERD: Can you call out the names
of garbage people from Fox News?
LOIS: Oh, Hannity!
PETER: Oh, Tucker!
LOIS: Oh, Judge Jeanine!
PETER: Oh, Steve Doocy!
LOIS: Uh, who's that
terrible blonde lady
whose own family hates her?
SHEPHERD: Laura Ingraham.
LOIS: Oh, Laura Ingraham!
Yes!
Oh, Peter, I'm so glad we were able
to discover this new level of intimacy.
I-I've never felt so connected to you.
Me either.
And I never knew your biggest fantasy
was to do it as a cat
from a children's book.
(MOANING)
NARRATOR: For most of the night,
Peter gooshed on her flumpkus.
She crunkled his wanz-it.
He boobled her bumpkus.
The bangle-bong lasted
till first break of day.
Six times that night she screamed,
"Zazu-ki-zay!"
The end.
Good night, Stewie.
Don't read me books that you write.