Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s21e03 Episode Script

When can tha start? Don't YOU start.
Open the window.
How can I romance thee talking through a window? Will you keep your voice down? What will the neighbours think? What's tha worried about? I'M the neighbour.
They can hear you in the next street.
Don't shut the window, I've got something for thee.
What's this? It's a free pass.
It entitles thee to any of the amusements on offer next door.
Do you think we're close? Spirits never lie, Stanley.
They said Uncle Wilf would die.
So he will.
You said last week, in a bus crash.
Who can rely on buses(?) Pass the thing.
And that's another thing.
What kind of spirits communicate through a Morris Minor hubcap? Hold this.
All you know is that they don't seem too bothered about disc brakes.
We're close.
How close? Through there It's gonna happen in there.
What's gonna happen exactly? They haven't told me yet.
I have to wait for a sign from the spirits.
With this mob, could be a road sign! 'Cleggie? Are you there, Cleggie? 'Clegg, it's Howard.
' Where are you, Howard? 'Answer me, Cleggie.
'Can you hear me?' You sound like a voice without any body.
Come to think of it, you've always been close to that condition.
If you've died during the night and you've started haunting me, I'll kill you.
'One, two, three, four, five 'Come in, Cleggie.
Are you receiving me? 'Come in, Cleggie.
'Howard calling Cleggie.
' Bye-bye, Howard.
We're stuck.
Do you know, I spotted that(!) We need to be further over there.
Well, you'll have to push, then.
Me?! I can't drive AND push, can I? Why don't you have another look in the hubcap? You never know, you might meet a tall, dark stranger.
Then HE can push.
CLANG! Ow! Testing, testing Come in, next-door neighbour.
Testing, testing.
Are you receiving me? Over.
Come in, neighbour, I know you're in there.
Are you receiving me? Over.
This could be an emergency.
You'll get asteroids sitting on concrete.
What are you doing? Just testing, testing.
What do you want with a two-way radio? It's no good to you, you've got a three-way life, Howard.
Actually, I went into Auntie Wainwright's to price a brass fender, but this was such a bargain.
What was? This two-way radio of Wesley's.
I was just admiring Wesley's two-way radio.
"Howard, stop fiddling with your radio.
Leave us in peace.
"Cleggie says that goes for Cleggie too.
" Sorry, Wesley isn't available, but if you'd care to leave a message I've got a message for YOU.
You're right, Howard, you said it could be an emergency.
Take a break, have a cup of tea.
I've got to get this finished.
I could do the ironing.
You don't have to iron on your day off.
These things count towards your promotion.
Even quite senior figures have to pretend to like ironing.
They're mostly from down south, love.
You have to make allowances.
Ask yourself, do they really want you to go to work in a badly ironed shirt? I'm a failure.
You're not a failure.
It's just that working for a large national institution, you're bound to be exposed to daft ideas.
Keep your balance.
You should mix with my father.
He doesn't like me.
He DOES like you he just doesn't understand you.
I see him, looking at me.
Because you're so clean.
He can't understand how people live without overalls.
Not happily, anyway.
If there IS life on other planets, then how come that I've got Howard living next door to ME? So, there was this bloke in the pub said he'd seen a flying saucer.
The pubs you go to, he's probably seen flying chairs(!) I SAY.
.
! Who's this? It's nobody I know.
Maybe HE'S from another planet.
Can you give us a hand? Watch it, it could be a trap.
Give us a hand to shove the car, it's stuck.
Truly's right, it IS a trap.
The missus had been trying to push it but she's had to pack it in.
Oh, no! Is she always that colour? No, NOT always this colour.
Where did you find this lot? Think there's much choice here(?) Hey-up, missus.
Tha's a fine one to talk.
We need Wesley with the Land Rover.
What were they doing? Would YOU come in a field with a woman like that? I'd want her tidying up a bit.
You've always been choosy.
I have, Norm.
Where are you heading? We need to be 50 yards up the field.
Instead of being HERE, you'll be stuck THERE.
What's the difference? You'd better ask my missus, she has the instructions.
You're not stuck here accidentally?! It was planned? Get rid of them, Stanley.
They're idiots.
But they know somebody with a Land Rover.
And HE'S an idiot.
And WE'RE not the ones stuck or covered in mud.
You say you came according to instructions.
What instructions? From an ancient civilisation.
I knew they'd give me funny looks.
People always do.
I wonder why(!) Are we going to stay here, or is SOMEBODY going to make a move? Hey-up, she not only GETS instructions, she GIVES them.
You want my most expensive cream cake? Are you sure? I'm sure.
And I advise you to hurry up before the sheer folly of it entirely overcomes me with shame.
It's a cake, it's not like running off with the lodger.
There'd be more sense in that if he was paying.
I'll bring it to you.
My doctor says I can't go through life scraping every penny.
I don't think he realises how well I've managed up to now.
Right, my most expensive cream cake.
What about your next-most expensive? You're backing out already.
I'm not.
I've got a will of iron.
And a heart to match.
Go on, thenyour MOST expensive.
Oh, my! I must say that looks very expensive.
Enjoy.
Wrap it up, I'll take it with me.
He doesn't like me.
He'd rather you'd married someone with a socket set.
You're getting a thing about this.
He hates me cos I never carry a screwdriver.
He can't understand how you can stay clean if you earn an honest living.
Hello, love.
Hello, Barry.
You see? He calls you "love" and he calls me "Barry".
Go and chat with him.
What do I say? You'll think of something.
Not the ironing, Barry.
Don't mention the ironing.
We were just passing, thought we'd call.
"Why don't we call on your father?" I said.
Something wrong with the car? No! The car's fine, Mr Pegden.
This is, er, a social visit.
Oh That's nice.
I've got things to do, Barry.
You see? You just stood there.
So did he.
KNOCKING Emergency.
Morris Minor stuck in a field.
What's it doing in a field? It's stuck.
It would be, in a field.
I'll get the Land Rover.
You go with them, Barry.
Me?! Yes, love, go on.
Mingle.
Let them see you're just one of the boys.
Do it, Barry! Hey-up, Barry.
Has tha got a pencil? Oh, I have.
It's propelling, Mr Simmonite.
Oh.
RADIO: 'Under starter's orders now, Sylvia's Baby is ahead in front, Chrissie Boy is behind him' Here.
What's this? The most expensive cake in the cafe.
For me? It's no good for me.
When I think about how much it cost, I lose my appetite.
Would you put it in the fridge for me? I'll enjoy that.
I hope you do, at that price.
Have we had any customers? Just one lady.
Did she buy anything? No.
No?! You let her get away.
She said she'd call back.
Oh, you don't swallow that.
They lie.
Quack, quack, quack! Come on! Quack-quack, quack-quack! You just press this and talk, and we'll be in contact.
In contactat a distance, Howard.
We needn't STAY at a distance.
We can use our contact at a distance to arrange to have contact a lot closer.
How close, Howard? I think it's time I went into the bushes and tested this thing.
The bushes? I'll come with you.
No! You wait herefor my message.
It's best if we're not seen together in the park.
We wouldn't be seen in the bushes! That's one of the advantages of bushes.
I couldn't risk compromising you if we were seen together coming OUT of the bushes.
That's very thoughtful of you, Howard.
Unadventurous, but thoughtful.
RADIO HISSES Did I miss one? Look after Barry.
Keep him clean, else I'll be in trouble with Glenda.
We're all in the hands of fate.
If it's written in the hubcap, then Barry will have to take his chances.
Er, a bit glib with the chat, is he? Who, Barry? They were courting for two years before I realised he could speak.
Shall we make a start? If you can drag your wife away from Silvery Lips.
Where have you to be? The missus knows.
.
.
Oi, show him where it is, where you want to be.
Sorry, love.
I must get ME one of those.
You wouldn't think it to look at her, but she's got the power.
You see, she has these prophetic dreams.
What dreams? Under certain conditions.
And you thought she was just muddy.
It was just a first impression.
She has prophetic dreams under WHAT conditions? Usually when we've had a seafood pizza Thin and crispy with extra anchovies.
Then she always dreams.
Extra anchovies.
Wow, how mystical can you get(?) There you go.
You see? This is it.
She's found it.
I'm really glad(!) Now what? She goes into a trance.
We wait till she gets some further instructions.
How long will it take? It varies, could be little more than half an hour.
Half an hour?! We ought to wait in the pub.
I can hear it in the hubcap.
It says, "Wait in the pub.
" And leave my missus out here in a trance? It's real ale.
Oh, if it's real ale, then.
Now Barry can wash his hands.
I don't want to wash my hands.
I want to be one of the boys.
That's it, Barry.
You're getting the hang of it.
Can I ask a question? You're one of the boys.
Feel free.
It's the only thing that IS free.
Before he goes home, he washes his hands.
Let him ask his question.
Suspense is killing me.
Why doesn't your wife just stand there.
Why does it have to be in a Morris Minor? That's what makes all the difference.
That's what puts her in touch with this ancient civilisation.
Ancient civilisations can be contacted by a Morris Minor.
Which model? Gerroff! Where's your proof? All right, then.
Have YOU been in contact with an ancient civilisation? I must admit, no.
With the exception of some General Post Offices.
Have you got a Morris Minor? No.
Well, there you go, then.
How did you discover this link, apart from insanity(?) No wonder Queen Boadicea terrified the Romans - she wasn't in a chariot, it was a Morris Minor.
They built all these roads and there she was, without even a tax disc.
How it happened was this See, we were watching this programme on this ancient civilisation.
They showed you these pictures and I remember pointing it out and saying, "Look, there's a Morris Minor!" In an ancient civilisation? It turned out to be a burial mound.
But it looked like a Morris Minor.
STANLEY: She's gone.
She's well and truly gone.
She's been struck by lightning.
She hasn't, she goes like that.
This started when you saw a Morris Minor in this ancient civilisation? We didn't think any more about it at the time.
Until we bought this Morris Minor then things happened.
A wheel fell off(!) A wheel didn't fall off Belle began to dream.
I thought that was only after extra anchovies? Yeah, after extra anchovies, once we'd got the Morris Minor.
We'd better get it up the field.
They're only pulling out a Morris Minor.
What's the matter with you? It just seems such a long time.
What about wives who had to let their men go to World War II? That WAS a long time.
With opportunities for getting into trouble.
Leaving us helpless here at home to be invaded by Americans.
Americans, here?! I did enjoy my eclair.
You never told me about Americans.
Drink your coffee.
It's coming.
I know the signs, it's coming.
What happens? She gets the instructions.
For a Morris Minor? That could be worth a bob if she comes up with an original owner's manual.
I knew an old witch once.
When I say KNEW her, I married her.
I hope there's not going to be any human sacrifice I'd hate to start without Howard.
STANLEY: Hey-up, she's coming! HE'S the one.
Me?! Don't argue, Barry Just keep clean.
He's the chosen one.
Lucky you, Barry.
I salute thee, Chosen One.
That's kind of you, but I really ought to be DON'T ARGUE, BARRY! Er, what does he do, then, this, er, chosen one? Yes, WE were wondering about that.
He has to take me for his bride.
NOW YOU CAN ARGUE, BARRY! Wait, O Chosen One! Do you want me to drive? No, I DON'T, thank you.
I've heard about the way young people drive.
Stop the car, Mother.
Isn't that my Barry? It is.
It's my Barry.
I'm so glad you're all right, Barry.
I'm so glad you think so! All right, come back! You can DO the ironing! Barry! Who's that woman? Barry! Who's that woman saying, "Who is that woman?" Who's he? Turn this car round, Mother.
GEARS CRUNCH I'll unhook her, you can drive.
Neither of us have a current driving licence.
You'll have to tow us down.
How can you live without a driving licence? Comfortably.
What are you doing in a ditch? It GOES in ditches.
I don't drive in ditches.
It's this car, it LIKES ditches.
Can we get a move on? My Barry's in distress.
I'll tow your mother out then you can go after him.
There isn't time.
Somebody can drive me in the Morris Minor.
They've not got a driving licence.
All right, then, I'LL drive the Morris Minor.
Let him go, Belle! Leave him! That's my car.
That's my husband.
That's my Glenda.
Are you all right, Barry? Oh, I am now.
Get in the car! If you change your mind, the address is 32 Get in, will you? Now, just drive slowly and follow me.
Wesley, I know what I'm doing! GEARS CRUNCH SMASH! Did you see that? You all saw that.
He backed into me.
Before I swear, turn that radio on.
'Come in, Jill.
This is Jack calling Jill.
Over.
' 'Hello, Jack.
This is Jill calling Jack.
Are you there, Jack?' Here Cor! .
.
How much are these cream slices? 75p.
She's just charged me £1! The old skinflint! Calling Nora Batty.
Come in, Nora Batty.
This is your neighbour next door, Mr Magic.
Nora Batty, come in