Family Guy s21e05 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
The usual, fellas?
Hey, thanks, Jerome.
Whoa, Jerome,
what's with the wheelchair?
Well, it was date night
with my lady friend.
I put on some Teddy Pendergrass,
one thing led to another,
and we started making love
halfway up the stairs.
Then I lost my footing
and tumbled down half a flight,
buck naked.
Well, this is hardly
dinner conversation.
Who's Teddy Pendergrass?
He's America's number one cause
of urgent lovemaking injuries.
If you're not already in bed
when Teddy starts singing,
somebody's going to the E.R.
Anyway, I busted my knee really bad,
so here I am.
Aw, geez, that stinks, Jerome.
How long you gonna be in that chair?
Well, that's the problem.
The doctor said I need surgery
if I'm ever gonna walk again,
but I can't afford it. (SIGHS)
Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I've got to get up on my feet again.
Relax, it's not so bad.
I bet you're gonna discover
some cool new things
that you couldn't do
when you were walking.
- Like what?
- Well, have you yelled at someone
for using the handicapped stall yet?
That stall is for the
differently-abled, you know.
Well, how do you know it's not
a handicapped person in there?
Look, no chair, no crutches.
Whoever's in there
definitely shouldn't be!
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah, sure you are.
Hey, you mind flushing for me, pal?
No arms over here.
Well, I suppose
it's the least I could do.
Oh, my God, it's bigger than you.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Hey, can you guys hear me all right?
- Yep.
- Loud and clear.
Fr in the computer.
What-What'd you,
what'd you say, Cleveland?
- You're cutting in and out.
- Damn it.
It's his crappy Internet service.
- What does he have?
- He hoarded a decade's worth
of those "100 Free Hours" CDs
AOL would send in the mail.
He's chipping away at 'em one at a time.
Let me (GLITCHING)
(ECHOING): other room.
All right, we'll fill him in later.
Look, we got to help Jerome
pay for that surgery, you guys.
Yeah, but where are we gonna get
that kind of money?
Hello? Hello?
Wait, what if we did
some sort of fundraiser?
Donna, unplug everything.
I need the Internet. No, not tha
You know, the local firehouse made
a sexy men in uniform calendar,
and it raised a ton of money.
Don't tell anybody, but I heard
not all 12 of those guys
were from Quahog.
I Who-who would we tell that to?
I don't know. I'm just saying don't.
That's actually not a bad idea.
We already got three men in uniform.
I'm on the roof now. Is that bet
- (BIRD SQUAWKING)
- Bird. Bird.
Bird stole my laptop.
All right, now remember,
we're going for "sexy,"
so can you undo your shirt?
(SIGHS)
There.
(YAWNS)
Joe, did you skip your nap?
I don't need a nap! You need a nap!
I want to be done.
(SHAKY BREATHING)
(SOBBING)
Wait, Joe, Joe, look. Look over here.
(SNIFFLING) Who's that?
This is our friend Leapy.
Hey, Joe. Can you do me a favor?
Okay.
Can you be a big boy
and unbutton your shirt for the picture?
(SNIFFLES) Yeah.
Great, we're all done.
Now take off your pants.
What the hell? I said take 'em off.
Joe, don't listen to Leapy. I was wrong.
Leapy is not our friend. (GRUNTS)
Yeah, that's good.
Okay, Cleveland,
you're mostly out of shape.
Thankfully, all postmen have
mountain climber leg muscles.
Those will be our focus here.
They really that strong-looking?
It's like a lady bodybuilder's boob.
I'm disgusted, but I can't look away.
All right, let's get started.
That's it. Now thigh me.
There we go. Now throw that
bad boy up on the mailbox.
Ah, you're a natural.
You're like Gisele, Beyoncé,
and Naomi Campbell all in one.
You're Gisonmi.
That's it, Gisonmi. Gisonmi, yes.
- Gisonmi.
- Hey, guys,
I'm just gonna go ahead
and close this, okay?
Getting my house assessed.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Here you go, fellas.
- Hey, Jerome.
Great to see you back
on your feet already.
You're telling me.
That calendar of yours
paid for my surgery and then some.
Consider your tab paid up
for the whole month.
Wow, did we really make that much money?
Who's buying all these?
Yeah, I figured just our friends
would buy 'em for a laugh.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah, we're having
a laugh, all right.
Might say everybody's having
a ball, right, Mr. Brown?
(LAUGHTER)
What's going on here? Give me that.
All right, let's start
at my navel and work down.
Belt buckled at the third notch,
per postal code regulation.
Shorts securely zipped.
Neatly-pressed crease running down to
(GASPS) my cocoa pebble!
- Let me see that.
- Oh, yeah, that's a half-scrote
- bad dangle angle right there.
- Oh, no,
the whole town's seen it.
What am I gonna do?
Damn, Mr. Brown.
Larry Bird ought to be
diving through here any second
'cause that's a loose ball.
(LAUGHS) Good job, sweetie.
You're doing the work.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
I learned it all by watching
YouTube videos of Les Dawson.
Who the hell is that?
Uh, 1960s British comic Les Dawson,
famous for his mother-in-law jokes?
Geez, Spencer, do the work.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Cleveland, let me ask you something.
Do you have a problem
with the carrying capacity
of your standard-issue
S-1104 canvas satchel?
No, sir.
I see. So then why, may I ask,
do you feel the need
to carry around an extra sack?!
Sir, y-you don't understand.
It was a mistake.
You're damn right it was.
Your little mistake
has made a complete mockery
of the United States Postal Service.
This is a noble institution
that runs on dignity.
That's the reason
people trusted us to deliver
free COVID tests several months
after it was relevant.
- But, sir, I
- No buts, Cleveland.
You've left me no choice. You're fired.
Now turn in your safari hat
and your ladies' Mace.
This is terrible.
I have such a hard time saying goodbye.
Guh-buh-buh.
Gah-bre-aye.
(BABBLING GIBBERISH)
Hey, chin up, Cleveland. I know
you'll miss being a fireman.
- Mailman.
- Mm-hmm.
That job meant everything to me.
And what about
all the people on my route?
There's gonna be a riot when my regulars
find out I've been replaced.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Huh. Mail before noon.
So, Cleveland, how's the job hunt going?
I can't even start till that
damn bird brings my laptop back.
I wonder what he even uses it for.
♪
Wow! Is that a third lead guitar?
Let me know in the comments, guys.
(SIGHS) Oh, who am I kidding?
You can't replace
working for the
United States Postal Service.
I miss it already.
Oh, I feel useless.
Come on, Cleveland. You've been
moping around all week.
You know what? Why don't you swing by
the brewery tomorrow?
I'll buy you lunch.
Did you say an insensitive joke
and now need to prove
to everyone that you have
a Black friend?
See you there, buddy.
Thanks for letting me tag along
at the brewery, Peter.
Feels good to have some routine again.
Ah, crap, look at the line.
Gonna take me forever
to get to the microwave.
Peter, you have a salad.
Yeah, now I'm gonna have to eat it cold.
How am I supposed to work all day
without a belly full of hot salad?
Griffin.
What the hell is going on?
We've got a dozen delivery trucks
that are days behind schedule.
I've got distributors
lighting up my phone
like a Christmas phone.
I have a twinkly phone for the holidays.
It's incredibly festive.
You know, I used to deliver the mail,
so I know a thing or two
about getting around town.
Mind if this goose takes a gander?
Hmm, well, for starters,
you've got your downtown deliveries
scheduled for Wednesday morning, but
that's when the street sweepers
come around and hog the right lane.
You switch to the afternoon,
you'll be done in half the time.
The street sweepers, of course.
What about the other deliveries?
Well, no wonder your
eastbound trucks are late.
That stretch of highway's been
under construction for weeks.
That's why all the mail trucks use
♪
What a beautiful mind.
Oh, I didn't see that movie.
I only go to Spider-Mans.
♪
last stop right across the river.
You got the toll bridge in the way, but,
nine times out of ten, the
bridge guy's watching TikToks.
You just drive around, he don't know.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
What's your name?
Cleveland Brown, sir.
Mr. Brown, this operation
could certainly use a man
with your expertise.
How would you like a job here
at the Pawtucket Brewery?
Really? All right!
Excellent. You start tomorrow.
- Hey, way to go, Cleveland.
- Thanks, Peter.
Tonight, me and Donna
are gonna celebrate,
romantically.
And which Teddy Pendergrass
song was playing?
"Turn Out the Lights."
Sir, ma'am,
you're both lucky to be alive.
All right, working with my best friend.
This is gonna be sweet.
Just a heads up,
I chew ice all day long,
and my computer goes "bonk"
every three seconds.
I hope that doesn't bother you.
(MUNCHING)
- (COMPUTER MAKES ERROR SOUND)
- That's the bonk.
Yeah, uh, you, you think you could
keep the noise down, Peter?
It is my first day, after all,
and I want to get some work done.
Tell you what, you can do
all the work you want
right after we take turns
telling scary work stories.
It was a night just like this.
And when the moon is full,
if you close your eyes,
you can still hear her voice.
(WHISPERS): "Will you sponsor me
for my 5K?"
Dang it, Peter. This is work,
not a sleepover.
Now would you please get out of here?
My 10:00 meeting is about to start.
Your meeting? But I thought
we were gonna work together.
Yeah, well, I thought
I'd tackle this one on my own.
But maybe you can get us some coffee?
- (MUFFLED CHATTER)
- CLEVELAND: touch base
- (MUFFLED CHATTER)
- circle back
- (MUFFLED CHATTER)
- put a pin in it
- (MUFFLED CHATTER)
- but that's Monday's problem.
(LAUGHTER)
- (TRUCK BEEPING)
- Wait a minute,
these shipments should have
gone out already. Hey, Peter.
All these trucks were supposed
to be on the road hours ago.
Did you make any changes to my schedule?
No. Oh, you know what?
Yeah, I added a new rule for safety.
The guys were slapping the back
of the truck two times
when it was all loaded up,
but then Smitty got his foot run over,
so now I told 'em to do
200 slaps, just to be safe.
- How many was that?
- DRIVER: Uh, 35? 40?
I can't tell, we got, like,
six other slappers going.
Griffin, what's going on?
All of our weekly shipments
are late, again.
Mr. Lloyd, I think
we can get back on track
if we just optimize our load outs.
See, back in my mailman days,
we would pre-sort our deliveries
by destination.
If we bundle the inventory by invoice
rather than by product type,
it'll expedite the delivery
out on the road.
My goodness, why haven't we
been doing that all along?
Cleveland, you've proven yourself
invaluable to this organization.
I'm hereby promoting you to
Vice Executive Managing Director
in Charge of Lengthy Titles.
Wow, thank you, sir.
Hey, good for you, Cleveland.
Good for all of us.
Good for this department.
And as for you, Griffin,
I need you to clear your things
out of your office.
Cleveland is going to need more room
to perform his managerial duties.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute,
you're kicking me out
of my own office? (CHUCKLES)
You're not, uh, you're not
replacing me, are you?
Oh, no, we're just doing
a little restructuring.
Besides, you won't need an
office for your new assignment.
I'm putting you in charge
of kitchen banter.
What you got there? Little jet fuel?
Little java? Little jitter juice?
I'll take a top-off, if you don't mind.
Yeah, don't talk to me
till I've had my coffee, right?
(LONG SIP)
Hey, how come you were
only pregnant for four months?
- PRESTON: Griffin.
- Sorry, it's my first day.
Look, I know this is awkward,
celebrating Cleveland
getting promoted over you,
so we don't have to stay long
if you don't want.
Eh, it's one night, I'll be fine.
Wait, Peter, where's the bottle
of wine I told you to bring?
Cleveland makes more money
than me now, Lois.
That means we're sneaking
groceries out of this party,
not bringing 'em in.
Can you fit ketchup
in that purse? We're all out.
Damn it. We can't show up
to a dinner party
without a $14 empty gesture.
It's improper.
We need to give them something.
Fine. Here.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- We brought these.
- Oh.
- What?
It's (SIGHS) It's nothing.
I guess I just miss being
the one handing out the mail.
I'm sorry, they're lovely.
(SNIFFS) Mm. That Lands' End
lady-pants catalog
had quite a bloom this year.
- ♪
♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Then I said, "Ain't that
the punch line to an anecdote."
(LAUGHTER)
So, what does this promotion mean?
Are you, like, Peter's boss now?
We're all on the same team.
Ah, that means yes.
Hey, Cleveland, how about
a quick speech for our guests?
GUESTS: Yeah, speech, speech!
Or maybe just cover it
in a group text later.
All right, all right, settle down.
I'd like to thank y'all
for coming tonight
to celebrate my new job at the brewery.
It ain't as good as delivering bills,
but it sure does pay the bills.
(LAUGHTER)
- What a great speech.
- He's so important now.
Do you think it's okay
I used the upstairs bathroom?
It was bad enough
with Mr. Lloyd thinking
Cleveland's better than me.
Now it's all our friends, too.
Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
You think I'm thrilled
my husband got demoted?
Bonnie's already rented
one of those cars
with a loudspeaker on top.
She's telling everyone.
BONNIE (OVER LOUDSPEAKER):
People of Spooner Street,
Lois's husband got demoted.
They're poorer now.
Repeat, Lois's family is now poorer.
Use this as motivation.
Think of how good it'll feel
to prove your friends
and Mr. Lloyd wrong.
Now I'm gonna take
an incredibly quick lady dump.
- Prove 'em wrong, huh?
- LOIS: Done.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
That's exactly what I'll do.
I bet they won't think Cleveland's
so great when I get him fired.
Hey, Dad, how's it going?
Have fun at the Browns'?
I couldn't steal the ketchup.
There were eyes on me all night.
- Son of a bitch!
- There he is.
- He didn't get the ketchup.
- Damn it!
STEWIE: Hey, these
chicken nuggies are bone-dry.
What did he say about the ketchup?
What's going on? Why'd everything stop?
Hello, I'm Inspector Daniels
from the Health Department.
That's a backstage pass
from a Muse concert.
Huh, I guess it is, isn't it?
I received an anonymous tip
that there's a rat
nesting in the main beer tank.
I'm here to check it out.
- What's this now?
- Well, I sure hope not.
I'd lose my job if there was any
filth of that nature going on.
Hmm, maybe I misheard
the tipster. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, ears haven't really been
the same since I saw Muse
from basically as close
as you're allowed to get.
I'll try him back.
(PHONE RINGS)
Rat-a-tat-tat,
you've reached Peter the rat.
- (GASPS)
- (PHONE BEEPS)
Well, I'm sorry
someone wasted your time,
but as you can see,
everything here is up to code.
Have a good day.
I found your rat in the tank
during my rounds this morning.
- Why'd you do it, Peter?
- (SIGHS) I'm sorry.
It's just, with you doing
so well at the brewery,
I felt like a joke.
I knew I was never
gonna be a big shot here,
but I liked playing my small
part to help make this beer.
Before you started, that
small part felt like enough.
Griffin, I was just informed
that you tried to sabotage
this operation by putting vermin
in the beer tank.
This is the last straw, Griffin.
You are fired.
Fine. I'm not good enough
for this place anyway.
Wait. You can't fire Peter, sir.
- And why's that?
- Because you need him.
Sure, companies need some people
to work hard
and go the extra mile,
but more than that,
they need guys like Peter,
regular guys who are happy
to do a thankless job
for a mediocre salary,
day in and day out,
so long as that day ends
with a cold beer
and a best friend to share it with.
If you fire Peter Griffin,
sir, you fire your customer,
the beer-loving everyman
that makes up the hunched
backbone of this country.
Cleveland, you're right.
Griffin here is perfectly mediocre,
and America runs on mediocre.
You know, that's the kind of insight
I need coming from up top.
How'd you like to join me
on the executive floor?
I appreciate the offer, sir,
but I can't accept.
In fact, I'm officially
"terndering" my resignation,
and recommending Peter Griffin
as my replacement.
There's only one job I was born to do,
- and I'm gonna go get it ba
- (BIRD SQUAWKING)
There's the bird with my laptop!
POSTMASTER: Just come in.
Thank you for seeing me, sir.
I'm gonna get right to it and
say being a postman is who I am,
and I'm here to get my job back.
- Well, that's great, but
- Please, sir, let me finish.
With this rubber band, I will
cinch the offending testicle
so that it can never dangle nor
sway where it does not belong.
(DEEP BREATH) Here I go.
- (GRUNTING)
- (RUBBER BAND SNAPS)
It's done.
Cleveland, we sent your
reinstatement forms a week ago.
I never check my own mail.
You know how Pablo Escobar
never did cocaine?
- He did a lot of cocaine.
- Oh.
Then I fear I've made
a terrible mistake.
Turns out, we couldn't fire you
without running it by the union head.
Welcome back, Cleveland.
(LAUGHS HEARTILY)
Thank you, sir. It's good to be back.
- (RUBBER BAND SNAPS)
- (BOUNCING)
And there goes my ball.
- Here's your rubber band back.
- You-you can keep it.
So, Cleveland, you happy
to be delivering mail again?
Oh, yeah.
Yep, sure is nice
to have things back to normal.
Say, Cleveland, how about
you and me get a quick selfie
to remember this crazy week?
Peter, did you make
another insensitive joke
and need to prove you have
a Black friend again?
I'm not gonna say it was bad,
but I have to make you
my profile picture.
It's my only shot. Oh, hang on,
there's my Jewish friend Mort Goldman.
Hey, Mort, what's up, pal? Quick selfie?