Family Guy s21e06 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Ah, it's so exciting to be back
at the Halloween Carnival.
Yep. Thanks to the vaccines,
we can all get back to doing
the things we hate.
Oh, for God's sakes, Peter,
I am so tired of you
not making an effort
to be a part of this family.
Lois, I drove us here.
I bought the tickets.
I'm sadly shuffling
through this place with you.
- What more do you want?
- Well, I don't know.
I want you to act like you're happy
to be with your family
every now and again.
Look, I'm doing the best I can,
but I got to tell you
Whoa!
Careful.
Oh, and there's my boss. Even better.
Hey, Preston. What's with the hat?
This is my Halloween costume.
I'm dressed
as 1990s comedian Paul Shore.
You-you mean Pauly Shore?
Perhaps in less formal circumstances.
You may recall he borrowed
heavily from surf culture,
with phrases such as,
"Hey, buddy," and "Grindage".
I don't think this costume is working.
Neither is Pauly Shore.
Ooh! That looks scary.
"The House of Unskippable Podcast Ads."
Before we get
to the thrilling conclusion
of Murder at the South Pole,
I'd like to tell you about
UNTUCKit shirts.
I-I'm hitting "skip ahead,"
but it's not doing anything!
Last weekend,
I was at a barbecue and thought,
"What's with all this excess fabric
at the bottom of my shirt?"
Oh, God! A clearly fake personal story!
The big game was on the boob tube,
but the biggest touchdown
was the perfect length
of my friend's premium-made,
affordably priced shirt.
Literally no one talks like that!
So, I went right home
and Bing-ed "UNTUCKit"
on my Microsoft Surface.
Is this a promotion within a promotion?!
UNTUCKit shirts.
We weren't here for Kevin James,
but we're here now.
All right, gang, as a mom
who planned a family activity,
I'm gonna put wild pressure on you guys
to say you're having a good time.
Chris, honey, are you
Are you having a good time?
Okay, I'm gonna need a verbal response.
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
Chris is having a good time.
Meg. Meg, are you having a good time
- just like your brother?
- I guess.
Okay, great.
Can you sign this form
for my Mom Meeting,
acknowledging your merriment?
Wow, very good.
I see everyone had a good time.
Would you like to spin
the wheel of Mom Prizes?
"Donate spin to mom
you wish to belittle."
Oh, thank you! But, you know,
Bonnie needs this more than I do.
Her rejuvenation only made things worse.
Holography? That's
next door to witchcraft,
and down the hall from David-Blaine-ery.
I do not care for his ruses.
Ah, stop being such a wuss. Let's go.
The Michael Cera hologram
is a weird choice.
Oh, i-it's the real me.
I'm just kind of translucent.
Oh, hello, Hollywood.
Yes, I would like to star
in an action movie franchise.
That's not a Bluetooth.
He just stuck a Tootsie Roll in his ear.
Wow, these holograms are
the most amazing thing
I've ever seen, and I've seen,
like, a really big horse.
Welcome to my hologram laboratory.
Would you like to see
how I make my babies?
I mean, I'm already here.
Is that a yes?
- Yes.
- Just say that, then.
This machine scans your data,
then creates a virtual
hard light version of you
that can physically interact
with the world.
That sounds kind of bogus.
Does the science check out on that?
They used it on Star Trek.
You got a problem with Star Trek?
Okay, take it easy.
I accept your explanation.
We all should. It's Halloween.
You can command them
to perform any human task,
no matter how menial.
So, you're saying I can have something
that looks exactly like me
seem like it's enjoying
spending time with its family?
Precisely.
- Can I have it?
- I'm afraid not.
It's my only one.
Maybe there are
other arrangements we can make?
Boy, this is the first button-down shirt
that looks great untucked.
- It's an UNTUCKit.
- What's their secret?
Oh, they just make shirts
a tiny bit shorter.
Genius.
Man, this machine is complicated.
I hope I can figure it out.
Here goes nothing.
Thank you for choosing
the Holomaker-9000.
Please input personal characteristics.
Do they have to be true?
I have no way of knowing
what is true and what is not.
Such is life
in the Post-Donald-Trump Era.
Ugh, leave the satire
to Garrison Keillor.
Okay, time for
some statements about myself
that are definitely not lies.
Let's see, I'm a black belt in karate,
I can cook an eight-course French meal,
I always enter cars through the window
'cause doors ain't the boss of me,
and I'm great at remembering names.
Just ask my friends:
Joel, Clemson and Quick Time.
Hello, Peter Griffin.
I am Hologram Peter Griffin.
How may I be of service?
Come upstairs, Peter!
I need you to put
the too-small slip covers
on the hard-to-grip couch pillows.
You can start by handling that.
I would be happy to help your
family with whatever they need.
Aw, sweet! If this works out,
I'll have more time
for those QAnon rallies.
- What do we want?
- We don't know!
- When do we want it?
- Also unclear!
- Why do we want it?
- Because it was forwarded to us
in an email, so it must be true!
Yeah!
Oh, Peter, there you are.
Listen, I'm trying
to clear out my closet,
so I want you to give me your
honest opinion of every garment.
Perfect. I love working
as a team to reduce clutter.
Okay, first, my "7 Up Yours" T-shirt.
That was the most provocative
thing ever put on television
at the time, you have to keep that.
Okay, great.
Now my "Skinny Girl Margarita"
T-shirt Bethenny Frankel gave me
after she hit Chris with her car.
That's a fun story. Keep.
Great. Okay.
Under-the-seat studio audience poncho
from The Meredith Vieira Show?
Maybe it's time
to say goodbye to Miss Vieira.
Oh, man, this is going great!
Aw, crap, I'm stuck.
Let me call my eye hole painting guy.
Hey, it's Peter Griffin.
Yep, trapped in the painting again.
I know, I know.
Well, can't you just look up my account?
No, I don't have my ID number.
No, I can't get my ID number!
Because I'm trapped in the painting!
I'm sorry, I-I'm mad
at your company, not you.
You-You're fine.
Okay, yesterday worked out great.
So here's some more dumb family
stuff I want you to do for me.
"Teach Stewie what sound the cow makes."
It's "moo." "Quack" is duck.
"Get opiates from John."
Yeah, I'll give you John's number.
Tell him it's Peter calling
for opiates from John.
- He'll know what you mean.
- Got it.
Now that you're doing all that,
I'm going to The Clam with the guys.
Oh, man, this hologram thing
is the best idea
since the Mayflower hired
a cruise director.
Okay, everyone, from 8:00 until 9:00,
we'll be trembling before our angry God.
From 9:00 to 10:00, there's
yellow fever on the lido deck.
And at 10:00, it's everybody's favorite,
Buckle-Hat Bingo.
What if we lost our buckle hat?
- Well, do you have a plain hat?
- Yeah.
- Do you have a belt?
- Yeah.
You got a buckle hat.
I just love knowing what's going on.
Oh, Peter, thanks for clearing out
an area for us to start a garden.
Yeah, they say the best day
to plant a garden is yesterday.
And the next best day is today!
This, this is what I meant
about making an effort with the family.
And I can garden, too,
'cause I have a brown thumb.
That's more of a wiping issue,
son, but I'm glad you're here.
This is great, but I'm a little hot.
No problem, that's why
I bought a giant sun hat
that can fit all of us.
And now to quote the kitchen towel,
"Lettuce turnip the beet."
Stop it or I'm gonna wet myself.
Me, too. I always wet my plants.
Where do you get all this?
They're all from towels, Lois!
They're all from towels!
Well, what do you think, guys?
Should we wrap it up?
Yeah, but can one of you
throw glitter on me?
It's-it's better if Lois thinks
I'm at a strip club.
She hates you guys.
Peter, I think you're
a little too drunk to walk home.
- Yeah, give us your shoes.
- Can we give you a ride?
No, no, it's okay. I'll just black out
and-and never know how I got home.
Works every time.
And it's good
for the environment, maybe.
Boy, they look pretty happy.
And they're singing Halloween carols.
Halloween has lots of candy ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Wear a mask and ring a doorbell ♪
- The perfect rhyme!
- Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Don't be racist with your costume ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪
Ah, that was fun.
And now that we're
just about done with Halloween,
maybe it's time to start writing
the family Christmas letter.
Ah, Peter, that's a great idea!
Good luck, pal.
Our Christmas letter always runs aground
'cause our family has
no accomplishments.
All right, we need
some highlights from our year.
Um, I got suspended
for setting up a tent
in my Spanish teacher's front yard.
"After several
adventurous camping trips,
"Chris is becoming
quite the outdoors man
and has found a true mentor
in Señora Diaz."
I was trying to snag a bagel
from the school dumpster
and got accidentally hoisted
into the garbage truck.
"This was the year
Meg caught the travel bug."
Stewie's first pony ride ended
after he blew out his diaper
all over the horse's back.
"Stewie pooped on a horse."
Whoa, Pop, where's my razzle-dazzle?
"And Lois celebrated
her 29th birthday this year."
Oh, Peter.
What the h Lois isn't 29
Oh, I see what he's doing.
That's-that's very funny.
What the hell? No one kisses my wife
except, begrudgingly, me!
It's time for Hologram Peter to go back
inside the machine where he came from.
I'll be back in a minute.
Don't pray without me.
Give me that! You're not the only one
who can do things for this family.
Can you can you pick that up?
Listen, I appreciate
you covering for me,
but I can take it from here.
Don't be silly.
I've got 'em all taken care of.
Go have fun.
I thought this was gonna be a good idea,
and-and these last few hours
have been great
You've been gone three days.
But I'm ready to go back to my family.
Okay, you're the boss.
The hologram machine is in the basement.
Let's head down there together
and sort this out.
Where's the machine?
I left it right over
As Peter lost consciousness,
he finally saw the folly
of his hologram misadventure.
Also, going forward, I'd appreciate
a bit more warning
before having to narrate.
Even just a few minutes
to finish whatever it is I'm doing.
Sir, you're supposed
to buy something
if you want to use the restroom.
Well, what's the cheapest thing you got?
Probably a near-the-register cookie?
Well, put me down for one of those.
Wha what happened?
- I knocked you out and tied you up.
- Why?
Because they're my family now.
Well, the joke's on you.
When you first got here,
I sent a letter to the FBI
because I knew something
like this might happen.
Is it bad?
It's better than the last one.
You should put it up on the FBI fridge
next to his drawing of Shrek.
What?
Nothing. It's not supposed to be Shrek.
It's supposed to be the Hulk,
but that's funny.
You don't deserve your family.
I care about them way more
than you ever did.
That's not true!
Oh, yeah? Who bought
double-Decker burial plots
because Lois likes to be on top?
Who taught Chris to whisper "Black"
out of respect for "Blacks"?
Me! And once I finish you,
they'll be all mine.
Peter!
Can you come upstairs, and tell
me if this gray chicken smells funny?
Be right up, babe!
Aw, man. This is worse than
Wait, what are we supposed
to do in this cutaway?
I don't know, I didn
I didn't understand the setup.
Well, we have to do something.
Um, I mean, you do have
a long neck and I have fangs.
Maybe something in that area?
Uh, maybe we just wait
to hear what the grown men
who write for cartoons say?
Cream number 99 and cream 100.
Okay, I'm ready for bed.
Well, we had meatloaf tonight,
so I guess I'm in for a Dutch oven.
What's a Dutch oven?
Peter, wh-why is there dental
floss in this trash can?
Because I just flossed.
Death creeps in
through the gums, you know.
Um, Peter, I-I need to go downstairs.
I I left a lame excuse on the stove.
Okay, but be careful,
I just mopped the kitchen floor.
I love you!
Stewie, wake up! We got to go.
Chris, come on. We got to go.
Meg, can you drag the trash to
the curb tomorrow before 9:00?
We won't be here.
Thanks for telling us
that whole back story
on the way down the stairs, Mom.
Yeah, now we don't have
to waste time hearing about
how a hologram of Peter
replaced the real Peter.
Although, I don't know
why we had to hear about
Bonnie not inviting you
to Rosé Game Night.
Well, I just thought it was
weird, 'cause it was my idea.
Going somewhere, family?
I didn't want to have to tie you up.
I did everything for you.
And people think
holograms don't have feelings.
Well, we don't.
And then I watched
one episode of This Is Us,
and now I'm all feelings.
Don't mention This is Us.
Aw, great. Now I'm gonna cry.
Save your crocodile tears.
None of you appreciated me.
And if I can't have you, no one will.
I hate This is Us.
Let my family go.
I'm impressed.
How did you free yourself
from the bindings?
I found a hacksaw
and sawed through my hands.
Why didn't you saw through the ropes?
Hacksaw hindsight is
twenty-twenty, Lois.
The important thing is,
I stitched my hands back on
with Twizzlers.
All right, fat guy fight rules:
We grab at each other's shirts
until we're out of breath
- and then a three-minute break.
- Got it.
Should we just take
a three-minute break now?
Agreed.
It turned into a pudding break.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
I didn't get to lick the lid.
Now for the final download.
Everything in your mind.
Joke's on you. There's nothing in there.
Guys, Dad needs help!
We have to short-circuit the hologram.
Can anyone shoot lightning
from their fingers?
I can,
but I have to be very angry.
Wait, Brian, there are
other kinds of electricity.
By simply rubbing my feet on the carpet,
I may be able to generate
enough static electricity
- to do the job.
- Stewie, that's a great idea!
What can I do to help?
I need something to get my feet going.
Can you sing "I Got Rhythm"?
Um, I-I Can I, can I just say "da da"
for the words I don't know?
We have no choice. Go!
Da da rhythm ♪
Wait, wait, wait.
We're starting
with the "da das" already?
You don't know "I got rhythm"?
It's in the name!
Okay, I got it. Got it, got it.
- I got da da ♪
- Rhythm!
You said that the first time!
Okay, now I'm starting to get angry.
I'll do it myself.
I got rhythm ♪
Da da music. ♪
Oh-ho! The expert.
Well, I got through the title at least.
It's working!
Quick, everyone, hold hands.
We have to reach Peter.
We can't reach him!
Lois, use your toe!
I haven't had a pedicure in four weeks!
Just do it. We won't look.
Ew.
Peter! Touch my toe!
- Ew.
- Do it!
That's usually my line, but whatever.
Wilma!
You saved us, Peter.
Yeah, glad you thought of it.
I hate this place.
Of course I did.
I love you guys.
And from now on,
I'll try to be half as good
as Hologram Me was.
Oh, but don't you see, Peter?
The hologram was you.
He was just the best version of you.
You can get there, it'll just take work.
No, the deal was
I promise to be half as good
as a fake thing.
- All right, just do that.
- No promises.
Well, Peter, I'm glad you're safe,
and everything's back to normal.
Yeah. Me, too. And you know what?
I realized how much I missed you guys.
What do you say we turn off that TV
and do something as a family?
Damn it.
He created another hologram.
I'll get my feet started.
- Brian, little "Camptown Races"?
- You got it.
Da da ladies sing this song ♪
- I just gave you the title!
- Sorry, uh
Camptown ladies sing this song ♪
- Da da ♪
- It's "Doo-dah"!
At least I got one of 'em.
The second one doesn't count!