Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s21e06 Episode Script
Just A Small Funeral
I thought I might find you here.
D'you think he believed in Heaven? I think so.
I expect he believed that he couldn't afford it.
You think you know somebody, and then you find six pairs of braces in his drawer.
There's more material there than in his trousers.
The little folder with "Eight popular views of Withernsea, 1937.
" I didn't think there WERE eight views of Withernsea.
Are we going to see him? I can see him.
Falling about, hands in his pockets, dragging his wellies.
Are we going to see him before they close the lid? Well, I'm not so sure about that.
You'll be sorry.
Besides, how often do you get to see something for nothing these days? We ought to see him.
He'll be all spruced up and tidy.
You wanna remember him tidy? It's not natural! You won't remember him tidy.
You'll remember him scruffy as he always was.
Maybe we should bury him scruffy.
No, we shouldn't.
You should know - he tidied himself up for funerals.
He always went in YOUR suit! He's going in it again! We ought to see him one last time.
See how your suit's looking.
It'll be fine.
He wore it more than I did.
If we go now, we'll have time to see him before we have to get ready for the funeral.
I wonder if SHE'll be there - the one he left his ferrets to.
Reggie Unsworth? He kept her quiet! I expect he'll have had a shave.
Certainly.
Well, that's gonna be unnatural for a start! I never knew he wore braces.
I'd like to know where it all goes.
It doesn't seem five minutes since we were at school.
I wish they'd not had an open coffin.
Well, it's quite normal.
Suppose he's still got that smile on his face? What's wrong with that? People'll wonder what put it there! It was his last look at you.
You should be pleased! It was too much for him, seeing us in those chorus girl costumes.
It's not as if we were naked.
We weren't so far off! Rubbish! What did he see? A lot of black tights without a wrinkle.
He loved it! It could be the last memory he took with him.
Yes, well, I hope he doesn't go about mentioning any NAMES! Hey, hey! Put two pages down there, because that's where he shuffles about looking guilty.
Couldn't you keep him clean today.
He knows he's going to a funeral.
I can't keep him clean ALL day.
You try living with him all clean.
He doesn't know what to do with himself.
He gets under your feet, pining for his overalls.
It's like parting mother and child.
He came smart when you were in hospital.
And in five minutes you were glad to be rid of him.
Wesle-aah! Wesle-aah! Wesley, get yourself in here! What's the problem? You're the problem, that's what.
Oophh! Just look at the state of you! Start getting ready, now! It's not time yet.
Funeral's not for hours.
NOW! Like a bloomin' diver! Pull you out too quickly and you get the bends.
Ah! Morning, Howard.
It might be for you.
I'm confined to the house till the funeral.
Makes sense to me.
She must think she's married to Harry Houdini! It's all right for some.
They can wander about as they please.
We're gonna pay our respects to Compo.
I could do that! Why didn't I think of that? We'll tell him you said Hi.
I'm just going to pay my respects to Compo.
WRONG! It's a last quiet moment with a friend! You can go with me.
We'll both go together later.
That'll be nice.
You were up early! I heard you going out.
I went for a walk.
Chin up.
Yes.
I wonder if I've got time to change my library book.
Inside, before I change your whole personality! Now what? You go in.
We're both going in! I shall be so embarrassed if he's wearing that smile! You should be pleased if he's wearing a smile! Well, is he smiling? See for yourself.
He's doing it deliberately! He looks nice.
That's a good lad, Barry.
Nice and clean for the funeral.
He was always nice enough to me.
I liked him.
We should follow him in a clean car.
We'll pick my mam and dad up.
They can ride with us.
Your father's going with us? It's no good taking two cars.
Can we have the radio on? At a funeral?! He'll listen to the engine unless I can cover it up with some noise.
It doesn't matter - it's a funeral! He can hardly stop to tinker with it.
Not DURING the funeral, but after, he'll have the bonnet up.
You can't have the radio on - that's all there is to it! Can we sing hymns or something? Oo-ooh, Barry! Have you ever seen such a grin? You'd think he was enjoying it! I can't get over the fact he ought to be at the bookies.
He always said one day he'd start saving money.
I hope he doesn't think he's going in for half an hour on a sunbed! You're going to buy me summat nice.
Nice, but not too expensive.
I'm getting dressed up for a change.
Do we ought to be splashing out on such a sad occasion? It'll be sad for you if I don't get summat nice! It won't be a BIG funeral.
The few of us who ARE there should give him a good send off.
D'you like this one? Not really.
I know what you're thinking.
It's gonna be too big around the wallet! Well, I like it! Closed? I don't believe it! I know when to show respect.
In the presence of death - or large amounts of money - nobody pays more attention.
I've known you do it for SMALL amounts of money! Emergency sales? What are they? Anybody who wants to buy anything while I'm not here.
Oh, I see.
They ring that number.
And then what? They'll be amazed how soon I'm here.
But s'posing you're at the funeral? Then they've won a prize in my mobile sales lucky draw.
What's the prize? An invitation to the funeral.
Where I can keep an eye on them and make sure they don't slip away.
Everything suddenly went black.
The cardinal rule, Howard, is try to keep some distance between the wife and the girlfriend.
I wouldn't say she's a girlfriend.
It's more a meeting of the minds.
We share intellectual interests.
Here's an intellectual problem - which one will you be with at the funeral? They're not BOTH going?! With a girl on each arm, how are you gonna hold your hymn book? Very unsteadily, by the look of it.
I wish we had a baby.
We haven't time right now, Barry.
We're going to a funeral.
I mean I wish we had one right now.
Why, all of a sudden? I suppose I've never really thought about the advantage of children.
Suppose it cried all the time? Well, that's the great advantage.
If we had one in the car, your father would never hear the engine.
Barry, I am not having children just so my father can't hear your engine! Just a thought.
Would you really like a child, Barry? Well, I suppose when you think about it, they'd be sick all over your leather interiors.
What can we take to make a noise? We're taking my mother.
She does a fair job! I bet she's quiet.
I bet just for once she's quiet! I'm going to pretend I've got a cough.
Don't worry.
It's just to stop your father listening to my engine.
You'll hurt your throat, Barry.
HOARSELY: It'll be worth it.
Coo-ee! Whoops! What is it? It's Compo's Thursdays, the Regina bird.
Reggie Unsworth? Yeah, she's stood there waiting, probably for us.
Who is she? We can tell you.
You're a man of the world.
She was Compo's Thursday lady.
He used to visit her every Thursday.
I never knew that.
None of us did.
Every Thursday? .
.
Isn't it amazing what you can do when you're single? Of course, I've put me down for Mondays as well.
Wagging again? We've gotta find out what she wants.
Now, who's the most experienced with ladies on a time share basis? Sounds like you, Howard.
Be gentle with her.
Why me? You're good with ladies.
Not that size! You're fighting outside your weight with Marina anyway.
Marina is just a slip of a thing! She terrifies policemen and bouncers! Only the young ones.
Where can I get some black? For the funeral! I can't go like this! He'll show you.
Expert in funeral wear.
In several sizes.
Close the door! Fashionwise I'm a bit out of touch.
A bit? Well, as far out as Throsserness, there's not much call for fashion.
Except occasionally on Thursdays.
I'm gonna miss that man! CHURCH BELLS How many more? Is there a bus trip? I'm just advising this lady on female fashion.
So, it looks as if Reggie's going to the funeral.
And the next question is - who does Reggie think she's going WITH? KNOCKING AT DOOR Reggie.
I'm not paying them prices.
I could set a whole field of tatties for that! Bits of stuff I wouldn't clean a closet with.
Can you recommend somewhere cheaper? Huddersfield.
Huddersfield.
I haven't got time to go there.
Isn't there anywhere that sells decent quality second-hand? Auntie Wainwright's.
Good idea! Sound thinking! Go down this track, Reggie.
When it straightens Never mind that.
I've got my own transport.
You can both come and show me the way.
Oop here, is it? On the left at the top.
A-ha! She's closed! There's a funeral.
They'll be in church rehearsing the hymns.
Emergency sales on mobile? A CHOIR SINGS # All things bright and beautiful # All creatures great and small # All things wise and won # MOBILE PHONE RINGS Emergency sales? I'll be right there.
Don't let her get away! Carry on, ladies.
I'll be back for the service proper.
There's a poor Christian soul out there in need of a few scraps of clothing.
CHOIR CONTINUES BELLS RING FEMALE VOICES: # Now all of his summer's gone # Those urgent days when he was young # Those girls he loved, but soon moved on # To drink his summer wine.
# MALE VOICES: # Through the fumes of earth and pine # Of meadows when the rain has gone # Those friends with their black armbands on # Salute his summer wine.
# ALL: # The memories he left to me # Here in my cup # Those sweet, short days in a haze # Now all joined up # The fullness of life that's lived # The other day of mortal pain # Free now to roam fresh fields and lanes # And taste eternal wine.
# Leave your collar alone! Wish it was alone.
There ain't room for both of us! Let me see you walk up and down.
Why? Walk about enough to look as if you're used to a suit! WALK! MORE! Come on! MORE! BARRY COUGHS Don't start now, Barry! Just practising.
There's only you, love.
Would put up with you! Are you ready? Ready as I'll ever be.
One thing - this time he'll have a good excuse for not singing the hymns! You all right? I'm all right, hmm.
What happened to Reggie Unsworth? Why? Are you free on Thursdays? COUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY Easy, lad.
You sound as rough as your engine! ORGAN PLAYS JS Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring.
DOOR SLAMS WHISPERS INAUDIBLY Who's that? Read your hymn book.
BAND PLAYS: "Pratty Flowers" I thought you said a small funeral.
I thought it WOULD be! We thought you'd like another wander through the hills, old son.
D'you think he believed in Heaven? I think so.
I expect he believed that he couldn't afford it.
You think you know somebody, and then you find six pairs of braces in his drawer.
There's more material there than in his trousers.
The little folder with "Eight popular views of Withernsea, 1937.
" I didn't think there WERE eight views of Withernsea.
Are we going to see him? I can see him.
Falling about, hands in his pockets, dragging his wellies.
Are we going to see him before they close the lid? Well, I'm not so sure about that.
You'll be sorry.
Besides, how often do you get to see something for nothing these days? We ought to see him.
He'll be all spruced up and tidy.
You wanna remember him tidy? It's not natural! You won't remember him tidy.
You'll remember him scruffy as he always was.
Maybe we should bury him scruffy.
No, we shouldn't.
You should know - he tidied himself up for funerals.
He always went in YOUR suit! He's going in it again! We ought to see him one last time.
See how your suit's looking.
It'll be fine.
He wore it more than I did.
If we go now, we'll have time to see him before we have to get ready for the funeral.
I wonder if SHE'll be there - the one he left his ferrets to.
Reggie Unsworth? He kept her quiet! I expect he'll have had a shave.
Certainly.
Well, that's gonna be unnatural for a start! I never knew he wore braces.
I'd like to know where it all goes.
It doesn't seem five minutes since we were at school.
I wish they'd not had an open coffin.
Well, it's quite normal.
Suppose he's still got that smile on his face? What's wrong with that? People'll wonder what put it there! It was his last look at you.
You should be pleased! It was too much for him, seeing us in those chorus girl costumes.
It's not as if we were naked.
We weren't so far off! Rubbish! What did he see? A lot of black tights without a wrinkle.
He loved it! It could be the last memory he took with him.
Yes, well, I hope he doesn't go about mentioning any NAMES! Hey, hey! Put two pages down there, because that's where he shuffles about looking guilty.
Couldn't you keep him clean today.
He knows he's going to a funeral.
I can't keep him clean ALL day.
You try living with him all clean.
He doesn't know what to do with himself.
He gets under your feet, pining for his overalls.
It's like parting mother and child.
He came smart when you were in hospital.
And in five minutes you were glad to be rid of him.
Wesle-aah! Wesle-aah! Wesley, get yourself in here! What's the problem? You're the problem, that's what.
Oophh! Just look at the state of you! Start getting ready, now! It's not time yet.
Funeral's not for hours.
NOW! Like a bloomin' diver! Pull you out too quickly and you get the bends.
Ah! Morning, Howard.
It might be for you.
I'm confined to the house till the funeral.
Makes sense to me.
She must think she's married to Harry Houdini! It's all right for some.
They can wander about as they please.
We're gonna pay our respects to Compo.
I could do that! Why didn't I think of that? We'll tell him you said Hi.
I'm just going to pay my respects to Compo.
WRONG! It's a last quiet moment with a friend! You can go with me.
We'll both go together later.
That'll be nice.
You were up early! I heard you going out.
I went for a walk.
Chin up.
Yes.
I wonder if I've got time to change my library book.
Inside, before I change your whole personality! Now what? You go in.
We're both going in! I shall be so embarrassed if he's wearing that smile! You should be pleased if he's wearing a smile! Well, is he smiling? See for yourself.
He's doing it deliberately! He looks nice.
That's a good lad, Barry.
Nice and clean for the funeral.
He was always nice enough to me.
I liked him.
We should follow him in a clean car.
We'll pick my mam and dad up.
They can ride with us.
Your father's going with us? It's no good taking two cars.
Can we have the radio on? At a funeral?! He'll listen to the engine unless I can cover it up with some noise.
It doesn't matter - it's a funeral! He can hardly stop to tinker with it.
Not DURING the funeral, but after, he'll have the bonnet up.
You can't have the radio on - that's all there is to it! Can we sing hymns or something? Oo-ooh, Barry! Have you ever seen such a grin? You'd think he was enjoying it! I can't get over the fact he ought to be at the bookies.
He always said one day he'd start saving money.
I hope he doesn't think he's going in for half an hour on a sunbed! You're going to buy me summat nice.
Nice, but not too expensive.
I'm getting dressed up for a change.
Do we ought to be splashing out on such a sad occasion? It'll be sad for you if I don't get summat nice! It won't be a BIG funeral.
The few of us who ARE there should give him a good send off.
D'you like this one? Not really.
I know what you're thinking.
It's gonna be too big around the wallet! Well, I like it! Closed? I don't believe it! I know when to show respect.
In the presence of death - or large amounts of money - nobody pays more attention.
I've known you do it for SMALL amounts of money! Emergency sales? What are they? Anybody who wants to buy anything while I'm not here.
Oh, I see.
They ring that number.
And then what? They'll be amazed how soon I'm here.
But s'posing you're at the funeral? Then they've won a prize in my mobile sales lucky draw.
What's the prize? An invitation to the funeral.
Where I can keep an eye on them and make sure they don't slip away.
Everything suddenly went black.
The cardinal rule, Howard, is try to keep some distance between the wife and the girlfriend.
I wouldn't say she's a girlfriend.
It's more a meeting of the minds.
We share intellectual interests.
Here's an intellectual problem - which one will you be with at the funeral? They're not BOTH going?! With a girl on each arm, how are you gonna hold your hymn book? Very unsteadily, by the look of it.
I wish we had a baby.
We haven't time right now, Barry.
We're going to a funeral.
I mean I wish we had one right now.
Why, all of a sudden? I suppose I've never really thought about the advantage of children.
Suppose it cried all the time? Well, that's the great advantage.
If we had one in the car, your father would never hear the engine.
Barry, I am not having children just so my father can't hear your engine! Just a thought.
Would you really like a child, Barry? Well, I suppose when you think about it, they'd be sick all over your leather interiors.
What can we take to make a noise? We're taking my mother.
She does a fair job! I bet she's quiet.
I bet just for once she's quiet! I'm going to pretend I've got a cough.
Don't worry.
It's just to stop your father listening to my engine.
You'll hurt your throat, Barry.
HOARSELY: It'll be worth it.
Coo-ee! Whoops! What is it? It's Compo's Thursdays, the Regina bird.
Reggie Unsworth? Yeah, she's stood there waiting, probably for us.
Who is she? We can tell you.
You're a man of the world.
She was Compo's Thursday lady.
He used to visit her every Thursday.
I never knew that.
None of us did.
Every Thursday? .
.
Isn't it amazing what you can do when you're single? Of course, I've put me down for Mondays as well.
Wagging again? We've gotta find out what she wants.
Now, who's the most experienced with ladies on a time share basis? Sounds like you, Howard.
Be gentle with her.
Why me? You're good with ladies.
Not that size! You're fighting outside your weight with Marina anyway.
Marina is just a slip of a thing! She terrifies policemen and bouncers! Only the young ones.
Where can I get some black? For the funeral! I can't go like this! He'll show you.
Expert in funeral wear.
In several sizes.
Close the door! Fashionwise I'm a bit out of touch.
A bit? Well, as far out as Throsserness, there's not much call for fashion.
Except occasionally on Thursdays.
I'm gonna miss that man! CHURCH BELLS How many more? Is there a bus trip? I'm just advising this lady on female fashion.
So, it looks as if Reggie's going to the funeral.
And the next question is - who does Reggie think she's going WITH? KNOCKING AT DOOR Reggie.
I'm not paying them prices.
I could set a whole field of tatties for that! Bits of stuff I wouldn't clean a closet with.
Can you recommend somewhere cheaper? Huddersfield.
Huddersfield.
I haven't got time to go there.
Isn't there anywhere that sells decent quality second-hand? Auntie Wainwright's.
Good idea! Sound thinking! Go down this track, Reggie.
When it straightens Never mind that.
I've got my own transport.
You can both come and show me the way.
Oop here, is it? On the left at the top.
A-ha! She's closed! There's a funeral.
They'll be in church rehearsing the hymns.
Emergency sales on mobile? A CHOIR SINGS # All things bright and beautiful # All creatures great and small # All things wise and won # MOBILE PHONE RINGS Emergency sales? I'll be right there.
Don't let her get away! Carry on, ladies.
I'll be back for the service proper.
There's a poor Christian soul out there in need of a few scraps of clothing.
CHOIR CONTINUES BELLS RING FEMALE VOICES: # Now all of his summer's gone # Those urgent days when he was young # Those girls he loved, but soon moved on # To drink his summer wine.
# MALE VOICES: # Through the fumes of earth and pine # Of meadows when the rain has gone # Those friends with their black armbands on # Salute his summer wine.
# ALL: # The memories he left to me # Here in my cup # Those sweet, short days in a haze # Now all joined up # The fullness of life that's lived # The other day of mortal pain # Free now to roam fresh fields and lanes # And taste eternal wine.
# Leave your collar alone! Wish it was alone.
There ain't room for both of us! Let me see you walk up and down.
Why? Walk about enough to look as if you're used to a suit! WALK! MORE! Come on! MORE! BARRY COUGHS Don't start now, Barry! Just practising.
There's only you, love.
Would put up with you! Are you ready? Ready as I'll ever be.
One thing - this time he'll have a good excuse for not singing the hymns! You all right? I'm all right, hmm.
What happened to Reggie Unsworth? Why? Are you free on Thursdays? COUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY Easy, lad.
You sound as rough as your engine! ORGAN PLAYS JS Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring.
DOOR SLAMS WHISPERS INAUDIBLY Who's that? Read your hymn book.
BAND PLAYS: "Pratty Flowers" I thought you said a small funeral.
I thought it WOULD be! We thought you'd like another wander through the hills, old son.