Family Guy s21e08 Episode Script

1
It seems today that all you see ♪
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
On which we used to rely? ♪
Lucky there's a family guy ♪
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
All the things that make us ♪
Laugh and cry ♪
He's a Fam ily Guy! ♪
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
The guy who dyes my hair
is on vacation
and I can't get a hold of him.
Our top story tonight:
Excitement in the music world
as former Jolly Farm star
Mary Elizabeth Becca Ryan
is releasing her debut single,
the surprisingly filthy "Face Chair."
Oh, my God! I can't believe MEBR
is finally releasing her first song.
- "MEBR"?
- Yes. Mary Elizabeth Becca Ryan.
Her real fans call her MEBR.
I've literally never heard
you talk about her.
Talk about MEBR?
I'm always talking about MEBR.
I love MEBR.
If I weren't such a big fan,
would I have MEBR tattooed
right above my root?
That is very low.
Yeah. It's a root tattoo. They're low.
Brian, I have followed her whole career
ever since she was the little
pig who went "oink, oink"
on Jolly Farm.
I can't believe it's the same girl.
You know, all the Jolly Farm
kids grew up to be stars.
Except for the ones
who went broke, OD'd,
or are now just clickbait
mug shots on the CNN web page.
But I'm all in on MEBR.
She is a superstar.
I told you she'd grow up to be hot.
You couldn't say that then
and you can't say it now.
Did and did. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Hey, Dad, will you have a catch with me?
I heard girls like baseball players,
so I want to learn how to throw
batteries at baseball players.
Ah, I'd love to, Chris.
(PANTING)
There's no better
bonding experience
than a father
and a son
having a catch.
I'm out.
Better call in
Boston Dynamics Dad instead.
Come on, sport.
I will throw and catch with you
and not study your emotions
for future enslavement.
I think it might be time to get
your weight under control.
It's affecting your relationship
with Chris.
Boys need a father
who can spend time with them.
No, I'm fine.
Couple hard sniffs and a spit,
and I'll be good.
(SNIFFING)
Okay, okay, that's a no-go.
Just put me on a blanket
and slide me to the TV.
♪
Oh, hey, Bri. Just recording
a new Tok to MEBR's song.
Don't you think that song's
a little too dirty
for a baby to be singing?
"Face Chair" isn't dirty.
Look at the lyrics.
"Knock, knock. There's a box.
"And it's coming for you.
"Open up. With care.
Then drop that box right on your chair."
See? It's basically an unboxing video.
Okay. I'm gonna go eat
my Taco Bell in the other room.
You know, you shouldn't eat Taco Bell.
MEBR says you should
only eat organic food,
because it's better for the environment.
I had $1.67 and I wanted
two tacos and a big soda.
And, what, you taking all
your cues from a pop star now?
Oh, I'm sorry, but do you have
60 million followers
- on Instagram?
- I think you know I have 12.
11. Joe's out after your defund post.
And I'm more than just a fan.
I'm a Maryonette.
We're like Beyoncé's BeyHive,
except there's no marionette emoji,
so we just send jumbo pretzels.
I don't think
it's healthy for you to attach
so much of your personality
to a celebrity.
You should be thinking for yourself.
This from a guy
who blindly runs into a room
whenever he hears a can opener.
You don't get it.
She sees the world in a way
you won't ever see, Brian.
With blues and greens?
Ye uh, well, yeah, I guess that, too.
You know, she has a concert
in Quahog tomorrow.
You should come with me,
and I can show you
what makes her so special.
That sounds like my hell.
There is nothing you can do
to get me to go to that concert.
(SCRAPING)
MEBR concert, please.
Oh, I'm a dumb dog.
Hey, any of you know how to tie a tie?
I have to go to a patient's funeral.
You can just Google it.
Yeah, I did that before my last surgery.
(CHUCKLING): And, well,
there's a lot of bad info out there.
Anyway, how can I help you today?
Peter needs to lose weight,
and we were hoping
you could help us.
Sure, there are
a few options we could try.
- You can increase your exercise.
- Pass.
- Switch to a vegan diet.
- I'd rather die.
- Or quit drinking.
- (BLEEP)
Is there something simple
we could start with first?
Yeah, what did Honey Boo Boo's mom do?
We have a similar work ethic.
She had lap band surgery.
If you're interested in that option,
the hospital is running
a promotion where it comes
with a free Nintendo Switch.
Lap band surgery is very popular
in the Switch community.
Do I have to walk to the surgery room?
We'll put you on a blanket,
and slide you in right now.
I'll do it.
Oh, my God. This is worse.
I feel amazing.
Like a bride on his wedding day.
At last ♪
My love has come along. ♪
I did stuff with the stripper
at the bachelorette party.
But I'm here now.
I'm here now.
♪
Open up with care ♪
Then drop that box
right in your chair ♪
Time to immortalize
this moment with a photo,
because pictures at concerts
always turn out great.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Thank you, my little Maryonettes.
Now please enjoy this prerecorded bridge
while I check my phone,
like all Gen Z performers.
♪
What?
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- Oh, MEBR responded!
Uh-oh.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- What?
She thought my post
was making fun of her.
She put me on blast.
I need to send an apology.
And people reported me, my
account is blocked and locked.
What the hell is happening?
Can I just address something
for a second, my Maryonettes?
Bullying is unacceptable.
And Stewie Griffin is a bully.
(CROWD BOOING)
Aw, man, we got to get you out of here
before someone recognizes you.
Yeah, let's grab our coats
and get the hell out of here.
Yes, I misplaced my ticket,
but it is a glen plaid car coat
- with a fur-lined collar.
- Which one?
How many glen plaid car coats
with fur-lined collars
- are back there?
- Is this it?
The pleather jacket
with every NFL logo on it?
Is that a glen plaid car coat
with a fur-lined collar?
- Actually, that's mine.
- That's yours?
Hey, don't get mad at me
'cause you lost your ticket.
Oop, and here comes the rain.
Oh, God.
At least tell me you have my cane handle
Burberry doorman umbrella.
I have a chewed-up
walking stick with gum on it.
Right here, brah.
All items accounted for.
How you hanging in, Stewie?
Not good.
The Maryonettes are still attacking me.
All my accounts are being flooded,
they doxed my favorite Froyo place,
and someone even made a deep fake
of me at the Capitol riots.
I was there, but I never went
inside the building, man!
Well, this is all a product
of the Stan culture.
See, fans form these
strong bonds with celebrities,
so when you insult them,
you inadvertently start a war
with thousands of people.
I wish I could explain myself.
But no one will listen.
Well, hopefully it all blows over.
It won't, Brian.
You don't know the Maryonettes.
What I need to do is reach out to them.
- Extend an olive branch.
- What are you thinking?
You remember when Gal Gadot
got those celebrities
to sing "Imagine" in $300,000 kitchens?
Well, I filmed myself singing
in moderately priced kitchens.
Hey, guys, you know,
this virus of hate has infected
my entire world. And I saw this video
of this Italian guy playing
the trumpet, um, on his balcony,
and, uh, there was
something so powerful and pure,
um, about this video, and it goes
It goes like this.
Mr. Lover Lover, mmm ♪
Mr. Lover Lover, mmm ♪
She call me Mr. Boombastic ♪
Tell me fantastic,
touch me on my back ♪
She says I'm Mr. Ro, Ro ♪
Mantic, call me fantastic ♪
Touch me on my back,
she says I'm Mr. Ro ♪
Smooth just like a silk-a. ♪
How are people liking it?
Oh, it's made it much worse.
Hey, where's Dad?
He said he was gonna help me
with my science fair project.
Up here, kids.
(ROYAL FANFARE PLAYING)
Thoughts?
We're gonna call you Mr. Skin.
Um
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, really?
Uh, we'll we'll call you
something else.
You know what? You guys can't hurt me.
I like my new look.
So, are you gonna help me
with my science fair project?
I would love to, Chris,
but like all people
who undergo drastic weight loss,
I have time to make up for.
And that means abandoning
the people who stuck with me
through the fat years.
You'll understand when you're older.
- Is there a bit of a smell?
- There's a bit of a smell.
Hey, what's everyone thinking
for playtime?
Hi. I'll speak for the group.
We heard about what you did, Stewie.
No one wants to play with you.
Okay. I see.
I guess I'll just play with
this doctor's waiting room toy
where you push a bead along a wire.
Plenty of room if anybody wants to join.
It's a multi-kid toy. Anybody?
I already pushed the bead
through the double twist
where it gets fast for a second.
Scary part's over. Anybody?
Preschool is supposed to be more about
socialization than education.
This could have lasting
long-term damage. Anybody?
They say kids
who aren't properly socialized
by the age of five can never catch up.
Doctors agree. Anybody?
It doesn't necessarily affect
financial outcomes,
more affects stable
emotional relationships.
There's a lot of literature
about it. Anybody?
A long-term study out
of the University of Indiana
backs this up. I know
that doesn't sound impressive,
but all the Ivy League schools
couldn't find fault in it.
Anybody?
Go away, Brian.
I've already made my decision.
There's nothing you can say
that will change my mind.
You texted me to come outside.
This whole ordeal has made
my life a living hell,
and I no longer feel safe.
So Rupert and I have decided
to lay low for a while.
Where are you gonna go?
We're going to a restorative
meditation retreat in the mountains.
We will be unplugging our minds
and our bodies.
Yes, Rupert, there will still be
one thing getting plugged.
- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, gosh.
I know. This guy is twisted.
Look, what's happened to you is unfair.
The Stewie Griffin I know
is a good person.
And I want you to know
that I'm on your side.
Thanks, Brian. Can you tweet that?
An online ally would be
really helpful right now.
- I know, right?
- Someone publicly standing up
for me could start
changing the conversation.
- Totally.
- Just need one person.
- All it takes is one.
- Could be you.
Yep.
You're still not taking out your phone.
Look, my point is, I am here
for you right now, privately,
and out of earshot of anyone I know.
You are gonna get through this, champ.
- Coward.
- And friend.
I'm just gonna go grab my sun hat,
and then we are out of here.
Rupert! No!
They killed him!
He blew up!
I had an IT band blow up last year,
still finished the 10K.
SINGERS: Cocky jogger. ♪
A personal best.
Hey, Stewie. You doing okay?
I'm just going through
all of Rupert's stuff.
He had a space suit?
Yes, he wanted to be an astronaut,
but he got disqualified
because of an astigmatism.
Every night he'd go to the
window and look up at the moon.
His unreachable dream.
Of course, he usually ended up
just staring at a night-light.
(CRYING): He really did
have the vision of a crawfish.
Aw, please don't cry.
I start whining when people cry
because it sounds like a fire truck.
It's just so unfair.
Rupert and I were finally
in a good place
after the difficulties of the summer.
Oh, gosh.
Do you know what the worst part
of all this is?
Mary Elizabeth Becca Ryan
has said nothing.
She knows what her fans will do
when they're activated,
and she has been silent.
I know. She should have
to take some responsibility
for the actions of her fans.
- It's like Nelson Mandela said.
- This will be wrong.
"With great power
comes great responsibility."
Yeah, that's Spider-Man.
My point is, if celebrities
don't like something,
they can just not like it.
They don't have to use their emotions
as a weapon to destroy people.
I'm lucky I'm a strong-minded person.
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to sit through a couples' massage
when your partner's not even there?
You still went on the retreat?
It was prepaid.
Eating 3,000 bucks isn't
gonna bring Rupert back.
Also, the Liebmans planned
their whole weekend around us,
and it just didn't seem right
to leave them high and dry.
Marty Liebman was on his iPad
the whole time.
Guy's addicted to work.
There you are.
Where have you been all day, Peter?
You were supposed to be helping Chris
with his science fair project.
Peter, get out of that cocoon!
It's a chrysalis.
Peter, the whole reason
you got this surgery
in the first place
was so you could spend time
with your son, and all
you've done is ignore him.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Left alone with only his thoughts
and the smells of his own holes,
the Griffin achieves
a rare moment of accountability.
Stewie, you in there?
Stewie?
Oh, no. He's gonna kill her.
I've got to stop him.
I got to get to the Walk of Fame.
Walk? Yeah, want to go for a walk, boy?
I do. Who wants to go for a walk?
Me! I'll get the leash.
Leash? What am I doing?
So, UV radiation can effectively control
a cave's harmful microorganisms
while being less toxic to cave dwellers
such as birds and reptiles. Thank you.
Wow, very impressive, Patty.
I learned a lot.
I also learned that your parents
are little people.
And that certainly won't be
all I'm thinking about.
♪
Our next student is Chris Griffin,
presenting Benjamin Franklin's
discovery of electricity.
The year: 1752.
The man: Benjamin Franklin.
He owned two slaves,
a detail that is both important
and not important.
A simple gust of wind stands between him
and an electric discovery.
(ALL GASP)
That was my glass eye,
but it's still
a tremendous inconvenience.
It's best to leave these things in.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, no.
I knew the dangers
of this unpaid position.
Well, there's no way
to compete without a kite,
so the least surprising "F"
of the day goes to
PETER: I'll be his kite.
Dad?
I'm sorry I ditched you
this week, Chris.
I got so caught up in my new body
that I forgot who I did this for.
But I'm here now
and I want to make it up to you.
Chris Griffin.
Make me your kite.
Can we move on? This is weird.
No, I like weird. Continue.
It's working.
This is why I like weird.
So, as Benjamin Franklin's
slaves did all the hard work
around his house, he flew a kite
with his illegitimate son,
who grew up to fight
for the British against his dad.
And he invented the rocking chair.
Where's his musical?
I've never seen Quahog
from this high before.
A lot of cars parked in backyards.
What a dump.
(WHIMPERING)
(GRUNTING): Rob Riggle!
Aah! (GRUNTS)
Well done, Chris.
Kind of a hit job on one
of our beloved founding fathers,
but he's had it good for a while.
You win the science fair.
Did you hear that, Dad? I won.
Loud hiss, hot brain.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Up and down shaky eyes.
Afternoon, citizens.
I said, "Afternoon, citizens."
ALL: Afternoon, Mayor West.
That's better.
Today Quahog honors Mary Elizabeth
Hell, I'm not saying the whole thing.
Her hands will be immortalized
with other Quahog greats
on this here sidewalk,
and definitely won't be sold
as molds to Chinese sex doll companies.
We are mostly done with that.
You can't go through here.
It's only for people
who work for Miss Ryan.
You have to let me through.
I'm Ed Sheeran.
You're not Ed Sheeran.
You're a weird-looking baby
with an English accent.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Right this way, Mr. Sheeran.
Hey, MEBR.
Stewie, don't!
Killing her is not gonna fix this.
Brian? I'm not gonna kill her.
I just want to talk to her.
An actual conversation would have saved
this whole mess in the first place.
Who are you guys,
and why are you backstage?
Don't you remember me?
I'm the guy who insulted you online.
I'm the "oink oink" guy.
Wasn't that, like, 12,000 TikToks ago?
You tell time in TikToks?
Yeah, it's the sound a clock makes.
What do you want?
You and your fans ruined my life.
And it all could have been avoided
if you just talked to me,
instead of to the world about me.
Not every conflict needs
to be settled in public.
Like Justin Timberlake
could have apologized
to Britney in private
instead of notifying the world
what he was doing.
- (FEEDBACK)
- And shame on all of you
for blindly following
everything she says.
When did celebrity effectively
become the new religion?
Temperamental pop stars
shouldn't be deciding
what we think and who we like or hate.
Instead of listening to celebrities,
maybe we should take on
that same enthusiasm
and listen to scientists.
Maybe then the world could
finally be a better place.
Boo! MEBR rules!
Pretzel the baby!
I'm one of her adult fans.
(CROWD BOOING, CLAMORING)
Nice speech, Stewie.
A lot of good it did.
Look at them, they don't care.
They're lost.
Well, you know, people are desperate,
for connection, Stewie.
Sometimes the only place
they can find it is online
in parasocial relationships
with a celebrity.
I just wish mine didn't cost me Rupert.
About that.
I have someone I want you to meet.
Rupert!
I stitched him back together.
He's pretty much himself
except for one small thing.
He lost his short-term memory
and has no recollection
of the difficulties of the summer.
Thanks, Brian.
And if I'm honest,
I was to blame for said difficulties.
Oh, buddy, I never cared.
Now let's get you out of here
before someone recognizes you.
Next time let's just bring
a hat and glasses.
I'm glad we worked everything out, Dad.
What do you say we try
to have that catch again?
I would love to, Chris.
(PANTING)
Better call
in Boston Dynamics Dad again.
He's upstairs with Mom.
He's upstairs with her a lot.
I guess that's the future.
(LAUGHS)
Can you stop laughing?
A robot is railing my mom.